Knowing that they cannot control the price of XRP but would benefit greatly by a large value-increase, blockchain payments company Ripple hired SpaceX CEO Elon Musk Monday as a consultant to help get the digital asset to the moon.
“Well, not literally to the moon, of course,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters. “But we love his innovative thinking and we're betting that his ideas will take XRP 'to infinity and beyond'!”
New Ripple consultant Elon Musk and Ripple CTO David Schwartz in the first 'XRP moon brainstorming session'. The session was recorded and will soon be released in an upcoming episode of 'Block Stars.'
XRP, used by Ripple for on-demand liquidity to improve the speed and cost of settling cross border payments, has fallen victim to a prolonged cryptocurrency bear market which peaked in January of 2018.
Despite the struggling price of XRP, of which Ripple is the largest single holder, Ripple has recently received a $10 billion company-valuation after a $200 million Series-C round of investor funding.
“How did you think we could afford to hire Elon?” said Garlinghouse. “Just wait till you see what else we have up our sleeves...”
*Coil subscribers can see the new SpaceX logo that Elon Musk has initiated since hiring on as a Ripple consultant below**...*
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Taking a quiet morning to invest time in a very important decision Sunday, President Donald Trump reviewed a short list of replacements for the soon-to-be-vacant Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman role, debating which candidate is the biggest Ripple and XRP advocate.
“It's a big decision. The biggest,” said Trump, doodling a Ripple logo on his desk papers as he spoke with XRP_Productions reporters. “Jay [Clayton] was weak. Milquetoast. I like my SEC Chairmans strong. Strong for the country. Strong for Ripple and XRP.”
Short list made by President Donald Trump to consider his replacement of the soon-vacant SEC Chairman spot. The doodles emphasize the leader's powerful admiration for both Ripple and XRP.
The President's short list appeared to include current SEC commissioner Hester Peirce, Ripple board member Ben Lawsky, former CFTC chairman Chris Giancarlo, former Coinbase executive Brian Brooks, and surprise candidate Kanye West.
“Whoever I choose, it will be the best choice,” said Trump. “and I will tell them their first order of business will be to say XRP is NOT a security. Never was a security. Just a great digital asset. The greatest. So much greatness.”
*Coil subscribers can see Donald Trump's David Schwartz doodle that XRP_Productions was able to capture while in the Oval Office below**...*
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Shaping his mouth into a form which somewhat resembled a human smile, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg informed XRP_Productions reporters that he performed initial testing with the new PayID protocol Friday and that the experience was “enjoyable.”
“I confirm that the interaction did indeed produce measures of gratification,” said Zuckerberg of the innovative new standard which has already been adopted by 40 companies and which aims to implement a simple ID that works across any payment network and currency. “Considerations will be performed to adopt this protocol onto The Facebook to continue the completion of primary mission directives.”
Screenshot of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg's testing of the PayID protocol which enables users to replace all of their disparate payment accounts with one easy to use ID which is similar to an e-mail address naming convention.
Immediately supported by blockchain payments company Ripple and dozens of other cutting-edge companies, the PayID standard is expected to receive an influx of members through 2020 and beyond to help finally solve the massive problem of payment network interoperability.
“Affirmative,” said Zuckerberg. “Our extensive simulations have made manifest the imminent appropriation of this protocol across all industries. Total domination approximated to be realized by August 12, 2024...”
*Coil subscribers can see further excerpts from XRP_Productions' interview with Mark Zuckerberg about PayID below**...*
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Failing to publish a single story about the monumental event Thursday, mainstream crypto news outlets CoinDesk, Cointelegraph, and The Block missed out on the earth-shattering debut of Ripple-backed PayID because they were presumably on a long and isolated camping trip.
“Must have been all together up in the mountains with no cell signal or something,” said Wietse Wind, founder of XUMM, one of the 40 initial companies who are adopting the standard to make sending money across different platforms as easy as sending an e-mail. “Yup. Not many other explanations, really...”
Image of an intrepid voyage to Antarctica that mainstream crypto news reporters could have suddenly taken, one of only a handful of explanations why they wouldn't have covered Thursday's massive PayID news.
Surprisingly, the story was picked up immediately by regular main stream news outlets such as Fortune and CNBC.
“You don't think those crypto outlets avoided this story on purpose, do you?” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters. “Nah... couldn't be. They must have just been camping...”
*Coil subscribers can see the other things that CoinDesk, Cointelegraph, and The Block could have been doing when they missed the PayID story below**...*
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Speaking frankly with the International Financial Law Review (IFLR) Wednesday, former CFTC chairman Chris Giancarlo made his opinions crystal clear concerning one of the most highly-debated topics in the crypto world, stating that “only mouth-breathing nimrods think [the digital asset] XRP is a security.”
“Oh, it's a currency for sure. No doubt. A medium of exchange,” said Giancarlo. “And anyone who says it's a 'security' clearly is a cross-eyed troglodyte ignoramus. A moronic, drooling pocket pool specialist. Yup. Total dullard.”
Chris Giancarlo explaining to the IFLR that XRP clearly does not meet the Howey Test definition of a security, and that anyone who thinks otherwise is a “rock-swallowing imbecile-halfwit in a dunce cap.”
The prominent businessman and attorney additionally stated that it “doesn't take a friggin' genius” to see that the asset is not an 'investment contract', has no 'common enterprise' and that it is sufficiently decentralized.
“Not hard to see,” said Giancarlo. “Unless of course you're a dumbass simpleton nincompoop who wears shoes on the wrong feet and needs to eat with a cork on your fork. Then you might have a little trouble understanding...”
Coil subscribers can see a rare snippet from Giancarlo's 2019 Congressional testimony about the XRP security issue below
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Continuing to establish himself as the nation's preeminent soft-spoken pundit Wednesday, Tik-Tok's 'Ramen Guy' gently destroyed Bitcoin maximalists by releasing a simple explanation for the use case for the digital asset XRP.
“No one needs to use the token,” said XRP hater Tone Vays in a Zoom video playing behind the Ramen Guy as he listened silently and crunched on his favorite snack. “It's useless. Tell me why anyone needs to use it.”
“It's a fast, cheap bridge asset,” said the Ramen Guy in response, pointing to the screen behind him. “Just gotta look it up... Mr. Vays.”
Tik-Tok's new sensation 'Ramen Guy' taking 3 seconds to calmly explain XRP's primary use case to Bitcoin maximalists.
The young commentator hopes to continue making simple but powerful XRP and crypto-centered videos to help clear things up for the online world.
“Next I'd like to explain why Bitcoin can't be the global currency for payments,” said Ramen Guy. “It can't scale. Just gotta look it up...”
*Coil subscribers can see the inspiration behind this satire below**...*
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In what appeared to be a move of utter desperation in response to recent influxes of fierce competition in the region, money service provider Western Union began paying individuals to use their company to send money to Brazil Tuesday.
The brazen moves comes shortly after recent news that blockchain payments firm Ripple had closed-door meetings with top Brazilian bank officials and is reportedly very close to rolling out their revolutionary 'on-demand liquidity' solutions into the country.
Western Union CEO Hikmet Ersek crashing a Brazilian-American get-together to say he'll “throw them a little sugar” if they keep using Western Union to send remittances to Brazil.
Though sharply criticized throughout the online XRP community as performing a temporary stunt to try to delay the imminent decline of market share in Brazil, Western Union has scoffed at the idea.
“Nonsense,” said CEO Hikmet Ersek. “We just love our Brazilian customers. And they love us. Alright, everybody—WHO WANTS SOME DOLLA-DOLLA-BIIIIIIILLLLLLLS!”
*Coil subscribers can see Hikmet Ersek's tweet about their new Brazilian remittance strategy below**...*
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In a refreshingly bold move that proves they do indeed listen to their multitudes of passionate stakeholders, blockchain payments company Ripple replaced their board of directors chairperson Chris Larsen with the no-nonsense XRP community member Naga Beau Monday.
“Yeah... 'bout time they grew some mothaf*ckin' b*lls,” said Beau to XRP_Productions reporters while enjoying a large glass of celebratory scotch, the smoke from his thin cigar swirling around his stern face. “Day one, I'mma make them tell me where the f*ck the bank money at. Day one. WHERE THE F*CKIN' BANK MONEY AT, B*TCHES?!”
Naga Beau conducting his first Zoom meeting as Chairman of Ripple's board of directors, ripping each and every board member a new a**hole for not doing more to increase the value of XRP. “Don't make me b*tch-slap yo asses,” said Beau.
The boisterous new chairman outlined an aggressive new strategy for the Ripple team, including “cuttin' out the mamsy-pamsy sh*t” and “spillin' all the inside mothaf*ckin' information.”
“Peace, love and many blessings,” said Beau. “Naga magick comin' to Ripple. XRP finally gonna bust a mothaf*ckin' grape.”
Coil subscribers can see Naga Beau's Zoom meeting with Agustin Carstens below
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Laying yet another impressive pipeline in their effort to establish the most efficient payments network in the world, Silicon Valley company Ripple announced Sunday the United States-to-Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) corridor is now fully live, complete with “on-demand liquidity” functions through the digital asset XRP.
“We are thrilled to add the burgeoning nation of CHAZ to Ripplenet,” said Ripple executive Eric Van Miltenburg to XRP_Productions reporters. “This innovative new country can now join the innovative new world of frictionless cross-border payments free from the Nostro/Vostro albatross.”
Ripple's Head of Global Operations, Eric van Miltenburg meeting with top CHAZian officials to finalize the contract that welcomed the fledgling country onto the Ripple global payments network.
With the signing of the contract, CHAZ becomes the latest country in a growing worldwide community of Ripplenet participants.
“From large, established countries like Brazil, to odd little makeshift countries full of wackjobs like CHAZ,” said van Miltenburg, “everyone deserves fast and low-cost cross-border payments.”
*Coil subscribers can see an image which proves the excitement of CHAZian citizens to be part of Ripplenet below**...*
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Earnestly reaching into the depths of their souls and pulling out what seemed to resemble honest contrition Friday, a collection of Hollywood celebrities released a black-and-white video confessional to admit personal responsibility for the continued low price of the digital asset XRP.
“I take responsibility,” said Aaron Paul of Breaking Bad fame, one of the many celebrities gushing penitence into the camera, “for a 19-cent XRP. For all of the inappropriate jokes. I take responsibility for a lack of price action all these years.”
Oscar-winning actress Julianne Moore bursting into tears and proclaiming to “stand against a low XRP price” from this day forward.
The celebrities, despite their apparently heartfelt words, were highly criticized by the online XRP community.
“So you wanna take responsibility?” said long-time XRP holder Brad Kimes. “How 'bout putting your money where your mouth is and eating up some of those exchange sell orders, you phony a**holes!”
Coil subscribers can see another celebrity video that the online XRP community lambasted below
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Ripple Hires Elon Musk to Help Get XRP to the Moon
