Angering and confusing millions of cryptocurrency holders around the globe, the San Francisco-based startup PolySign opened for business Friday to “finally provide the digital asset world with safe and trustworthy custodian services.”
Founded by Arthur Britto and David Schwartz, who were both also founders of the XRP Ledger, PolySign was eagerly awaited by many in the cryptocurrency world and was speculated to be a revolutionary service that solved the problems of digital asset custody for institutions and large investors, thus making it easier for potential tidal waves of money to safely enter the crypto space.
“I'm not sure where that rumor came from,” said Schwartz, speaking to XRP_Productions reporters from the company's supply warehouse full of cleaning chemicals and mop buckets. “PolySign has been and always will be about custodians. The best damn custodians a company can hire, thank you very much.”
David Schwartz during a 2019 interview in which he expressed regret that he couldn't discuss details about PolySign, but teased that the company's business plan was to “clean up the world of digital assets. Wink, wink!”
Rather than be supportive of the fledgling company's efforts to market their teams of janitors, global XRP holders are instead expressing extreme dismay.
“Here I am, on pins and needles for years, waiting for something that will help to bring in the BILLIONS OF DOLLARS of institutional money into crypto,” said long-time XRP holder Mr. B, “and it turns out they're gonna be cleaning TOILETS?!? F**k you, PolySign!”
*Coil subscribers can see a Polysign promotional picture with David Schwartz below**...*
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Closely scrutinizing a Q1 virtual all-hands meeting that was released by blockchain payments company Ripple Wednesday, attentive members of the online XRP community spotted several items behind CEO Brad Garlinghouse that seemed to imply an imminent XRP “moon” event.
“I started watching this video, and I'm like, 'wait a second... Am I crazy... Look at that stuff,'” said 2-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Tupelo, Mississippi. “That can't be a coincidence. He's saying XRP is gonna moon!”
Moon boots and wooden playing blocks showing “589,” two items identified in the room behind Brad Garlinghouse that some XRP holders think indicate a secret bullish message from the Ripple CEO.
Ripple spokespeople have downplayed any XRP moon connections to the items in the video, telling XRP_Productions reporters that “Mr. Garlinghouse has eclectic tastes.”
“He likes blocks, NASA boots, moon pictures, stuffed bears, and colorful artwork,” said the spokespeople. “Unfortunately, some conspiracy-minded people are always going to see what they want to see...”
Coil subscribers can see one more item that the online XRP community sleuths spotted in the Garlinghouse video below
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Holding an emergency press conference to quell the nerves of a panicked American citizenry, President Donald Trump addressed the issue of blockchain payments company Ripple's decision to abandon large XRP on-demand liquidity payments in favor of smaller payments on live television Tuesday.
“XRP ODL is shifting its focus to smaller payments, this is true,” said Trump solemnly into the camera. “But let us not assume this is a bad thing. Let us not lose our shit over this, please.”
President Trump responding to Ripple CTO David Schwartz's comment concerning the company's shifting ODL strategy.
The President reminded citizens that the smaller-sized ODL payments were part of Ripple's plan from the start and that it has done nothing to affect his bullish sentiments of the company or the digital asset XRP long-term.
Armed with sledgehammers, bricks, and torches, thousands of maligned Bitcoin-maximalist rioters took to the streets across the world Monday night in an effort to find and demolish the one centralized XRP Ledger location, ultimately coming up with nothing.
“This must be it! Smash it!!” said one San Francisco mob as they broke into Ripple headquarters, destroyed all validators, then tested an XRP transaction on their smartphones. “It still works?! F**k!!”
Bitcoin-maximalist rioters in Poland thinking they'd found the one central XRP Ledger location. They soon walked away with bitter disappointment.
Though the rioters ended the night unsuccessful in their mission to take down the ledger, their ideologies remained as strong as ever.
“In my heart,” said one rioter in the UK, “I will always believe XRP is a centralized piece of shit. And isn't that what really matters?”
*Coil subscribers can see Tone Vays' real-time communication with the BTC rioters below**...*
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If you haven't heard of XRP the Standard Productions, we are a small but healthy group of satirical crypto news reporters who aren't afraid to drink our coffee through our surgical masks.
Enjoy the third of our amazing retrospectives, “THE BEST OF CRYPTO MORONS”...
For those of you who are unfamiliar with XRP the Standard Productions, we are a tiny but merry traveling band of reporters who write satirical crypto and XRP articles for bread, roasted duck and drippings.
We travel in peace with our lutes, quills and smartphones. We mean no harm.
Enjoy our second retrospective, “THE BEST OF GARLINGHOUSE”...
For those who are unfamiliar with XRP the Standard Productions, we're a small group of 350 reporters who write satirical articles centered around the crypto and XRP world.
As our good friend Elwood has described our stuff: “It's not lies... just bullshit.”
Enjoy our first retrospective, “THE BEST OF SCHWARTZ”...
The world of cryptocurrency is bat-shit crazy. Fraudulent, opportunistic soothsayers... ravenous, loony tribes of token holders... confused and frightened outsiders... powerful and nefarious market manipulators. And all of this against the backdrop of astounding technologies that will profoundly change the world.
Amidst the anger, uncertainty, frustration and insanity, XRP the Standard Productions has attempted to take a step back, breathe, and provide a satirical look at the crypto universe... sometimes displaying salient underlying points... sometimes just giving a much needed belly laugh.
No harm intended. Ever. Truly.
But satire and indeed humor itself can be tricky. Many people have claimed our stuff is “dangerous” or “FUD”. We disagree, of course.
It's funny that on the day we issue our 200th Coil article, David Schwartz of Ripple issues this tweet.
For those who have read and supported the humorous articles we produce on Coil, we sincerely thank you.
For those who still think our stuff is dangerous “fake news” or “FUD,” we hope that you can see that even David Schwartz, the subject of so many of our silly articles, understands and appreciates the humor.
Over the next few days, we'll be posting some “BEST OF” content to catch any new people up on our old stuff. As always, we hope it gives people a healthy laugh.
*Coil subscribers can get an updated view of how many people we've brought to Coil to read our stuff below**...*
Showcasing his talents as a multitasking and enterprising mastermind, President Donald Trump converted the White House into a full-fledged Bitcoin mining farm Thursday.
“Bitcoin mining is a huge, pointless power-suck,” said Trump to XRP_Productions reporters in a loud enough voice to overcome the whirring of the cooling fans. “But once I realized I don't get any power bills at the White House, it was a no-brainer.”
White House tour group fascinated by the newly-installed Bitcoin mining rigs shoved inside every corner of the historic building.
The President was reportedly very upset when hearing what a small reward his rigs obtained after their first full day of mining.
“Someone just explained this 'halving' bullshit to me,” said Trump. “What a crock. I'm not even paying an electric bill and it's still not worth it...”
*Coil subscribers can see President Trump's tweet about his White House Bitcoin mining below**...*
Speaking to the crypto-Twitterverse from what appeared to be a very well-to-do location with palm trees and a pool, a successful-looking man on Twitter proclaimed Tuesday that the digital asset XRP would soon be taking over the world.
“I can't tell you everything just yet,” said the man in an interest-piquing air of mystery while wearing impressive, expensive-looking sunglasses, “and just so you know, I DESPISE XRP... but I can tell you that XRP is already guaranteed to be the new world currency.”
Successful-looking Twitter man taking off his expensive-looking glasses at an impressive-looking location to solemnly tell crypto Twitter that XRP is “guaranteed to go up 1000X.”
While most were excited by the message from the successful-looking man with an impressive 50,000 followers, some long-time hodlers through the crypto bear market were less than entertained.
“Jagoff of the month,” said 2-year XRP holder Adam Waring. “Just the jagoff of the month.”
*Coil subscribers can see the inspiration behind this satire below**...*
PolySign Opens for Business to Unexpectedly Provide Crypto Custodian Services
