Becoming increasingly aware of the revolutionary technology being utilized through Ripplenet and XRP-enabled “on demand liquidity,” Western Union made their intentions known to purchase remittance-adversary MoneyGram Tuesday, admitting “complete and utter fear and panic.”
“Holy shit, I've been almost pissing myself on a daily basis,” said Western Union CEO Hikmet Ersek to XRP_Productions reporters. “Have you seen the growing XRP liquidity on ODL exchanges? Have you heard how fast and cheap the cross border settlement is through that shit? Sweet Jebus, we had no choice but to buy MoneyGram!”
Western Union CEO Hikmet Ersek explaining the terror his company felt that caused them to begin the process of purchasing MoneyGram. “We had about this much of a chance to survive in the long run if we didn't buy up those SOB's,” he said.
Western Union did not officially state whether they would be carrying on with Ripplenet and ODL after the purchase, though comments from the CEO seemed to indicate there was a high probability.
“Christ on a pony, what do you think?” said Ersek. “What are we gonna do, not use Ripplenet and ODL? Then some other jagoff company is gonna use it and send us to the goddamned dustpan...”
Coil subscribers can see Western Union's failed ad campaign before this bold MoneyGram move below
Standing before the great horned beast in an undisclosed location Monday, Leonard Mingus of Des Moines, Iowa mulled over the chance to seal a deal with Satan in return for the 'mooning' of his precious digital asset, XRP.
“Hmmm, an eternity in hell is quite a price to pay,” said Mingus, a laid-off department store clerk who has accumulated 8,400 XRP since 2018. “But I have gone through this bear market for a couple of years, so I'm pretty experienced at being miserable...”
Beelzebub showing XRP-holder Leonard Mingus what could be his if he “signs on the dotted line” and promises his soul in return for an XRP moon event.
The Prince of Darkness reportedly promised Mingus “possessions beyond his wildest dreams,” and an XRP price in excess of $20,000 per token.
“Come on Leonard,” urged fellow XRP community member Ken Melendez, “Just sign and get it over with. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team, ya know?”
*Coil subscribers can see what swayed Leonard Mingus into signing the deal below**...*
Appearing on Fortune's Balancing the Ledger Saturday, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse teased “some very, very big announcements coming from us this summer,” though later admitting to XRP_Productions that he simply wanted “to f**k with XRP holders.”
“Yeah, sometimes I can't help it,” said Garlinghouse, giggling into the phone during the interview. “Those wieners crack me up, always scrutinizing shit that we say and falling over themselves for the smallest little news morsel. Hilarious.”
Brad Garlinghouse claiming that people “will shit themselves when they find out what Ripple has in the pipeline for later this year,” just to viciously torment worldwide XRP owners.
“I really need to put myself in check,” said Garlinghouse. “It's just so damned funny. But, then again... maybe I'm not joking... maybe we do have some mind-blowing announcements to make soon, hmmmmm? Bwahahahahahaha!!! I'm just f**king with you again!”
Coil subscribers can see an excerpt of another Brad Garlinghouse interview torturing XRP holders below
Annoying his wife and creeping out his friends for the past two and a half years, XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Atlanta, Georgia finally admitted Friday that his “XRP All-Time High” beard was “getting a little out of hand.”
“It started out for fun in January of 2018,” said Mingus, performing his hourly detangling regimen as he spoke with XRP_Productions reporters. “Promised myself not to shave until a new ATH. I thought it would only be a few days or weeks at the most... Jesus, was I wrong.”
Indian XRP holder Sondeep Pannu, who made a 2018 vow to not cut the fingernails on his left hand until XRP reached a new all-time high. Pannu and Mingus commiserate with each other regularly over crypto-Twitter.
The forty-year-old auto mechanic expressed regret about making the beard commitment to himself, though he claims that he has not wavered in his stance on the digital asset.
“Oh, I'm more bullish than ever,” said Mingus. “I think a big bull run is damn close. Damn close. In fact, I'm thinking about vowing to not shower until...”
*Coil subscribers can see another person who made a crazy ATH commitment below**...*
Seeming to send a bold message to their primary competition Thursday, blockchain payments company Ripple has named the lobby of SWIFT headquarters in Brussels, Belgium as the site of their 2020 SWELL conference.
“Calm down, everyone. Geographically, Brussels makes sense for the conference,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse, denying immediate online speculation that the company is implying an imminent takeover of SWIFT in their choice of location. “No matter what we do, people will always see what they want to see, but honestly we're just focused on our day to day business: Revolutionizing cross border payments... and crushing any opposition.”
A Ripple employee measuring offices in SWIFT headquarters for an unknown reason while their team was on site to scope out the lobby, the home of the 2020 SWELL conference.
Ripple has not yet announced if they will be inviting members of the XRP community to the conference as they did in 2019's Singapore-held event.
“I love those crazy bastards, but you've seen what they do to SWIFT in Twitter comments,” said Garlinghouse of XRP holders. “So it might be prudent to keep them away from their headquarters.”
*Coil subscribers can see a 2019 conversation between Brad Garlinghouse and former SWIFT CEO Gottfried Leibbrandt below**...*
Tired of the Orwellian policing of all content that doesn't match their world view, podcast superstar Joe Rogan has severed his relationship with YouTube, deciding to post all of his new episodes on the fledgling but innovative platform Cinnamon.video.
“YouTube can kiss my ass,” said Rogan to XRP_Productions reporters. “What is this, North Korea? At Cinnamon Video, people have the freedom to post the content they want AND get paid for every second a person watches their stuff.”
The king of podcasting has expressed excitement about uploading all of his previous episodes on the new platform as well as all new videos.
“Directly and immediately paid for every second a person watches my content without having to worry about censorship or advertisers?” said Rogan. “Why the hell WOULDN'T I go all-in on Cinnamon?!”
Coil subscribers can see the new sponsorship deal that Joe Rogan hooked up for Cinnamon Video below
Showing that they are both cunning opportunists in the digital age as well as polite, appreciative players in the game of global financial control, China issued a 'Thank You' letter to U.S. regulators Wednesday for their complete and utter lack of regulating cryptocurrencies over the last ten years.
“They are asleep at wheel for decade,” said Xi Jinping, General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, Chairman of the Central Military Commission, and President of the People's Republic of China. “And we thank them so greatly for this very special gift.”
China's leader Xi Jinping applauding the United States for allowing China to “fly in like powerful dragon and dominate new digital financial world” by not establishing crypto-regulations over the past ten years.
By not embracing blockchain technology and digital assets like XRP in a serious and expedient fashion, Jinping feels the US has missed their opportunity to work with innovators and cultivate the technology in a sensible way that will benefit the free world and allow them to maintain their global financial edge.
“Oh, with no doubt, they are f**ked,” said Jinping to XRP_Productions reporters. “We are in driver's seat now. They screw proverbial poochy on this one.”
*Coil subscribers can see what inspired this piece of satire below**...*
Becoming visibly annoyed by a CNBC interview question Tuesday concerning the SEC's time frame for announcing clear guidelines for which cryptocurrencies they consider to be securities, Chairman Jay Clayton said he “thought we already gave you crypto clarity, like two years ago, for crying out loud?”
“Jeez-Louise,” said Clayton, shaking his head in a chastising gesture toward the reporter. “I distinctly remember laying it all out in an interview in 2018. If it's a security, we'll regulate it... If not, then not... Son of a gun, what more do you want?!”
SEC Chairman Jay Clayton from a 2018 CNBC interview which he could have sworn he gave complete and total clarity for all cryptocurrencies concerning the securities issue.
“MUST I break it down again?” said Clayton. “Fine. A security is that in which we consider to be a security and therefore will regulate it as such. Any and all cryptos acting as or thereby deemed heretofore to be regulated by the SEC would naturally fall under the purview of our regulatory regulation. Mind you, this is only for the 'security' tokens, since they will then be our responsibility to regulate. What exactly is so complicated about all this???”
When asked directly about digital assets such as XRP, which still don't seem to have definite clarity on the matter, Clayton began rubbing his temples in apparent frustration and fatigue.
“Good Lord, haven't I already made myself clear?!? The security tokens are security tokens or digital assets that act as securities in most or all of their function, notwithstanding any previous or future realities. If you'd simply visit our website and look at Federal Section VIII, subparagraph IV you'll see quite clearly...”
Coil subscribers can see a transcript of XRP_Productions reporters continuing to probe Jay Clayton about the XRP security issue below
Shamefully forgoing the traditional procedure of honoring fallen United States veterans who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country, Leonard Mingus of Lakewood, Ohio held a ceremony to honor fallen executives from blockchain payments company Ripple on Memorial Day.
“I just want them to know,” said Mingus, tearing up while straightening the pictures on his makeshift front-lawn shrine. “That their service will not be forgotten. God bless them. Forever.”
The strange act has surprisingly been noticed popping up elsewhere around the country, showing perhaps the deep connection many people have made with the Silicon Valley company.
Shriner Chip Munson riding in his hometown Memorial Day parade to honor fallen U.S. soldiers as well as his favorite departed Ripple executive, Ryan Zagone.
“There's nothing strange or inappropriate about it,” said Mingus to XRP_Productions reporters. “Do I love our veterans who gave their lives for our freedoms? Yes, with all my heart. But I also love those Ripple executives who sacrificed to revolutionize global payments...”
Coil subscribers can see the commitment one man has made to honoring Miguel Vias below
Searching the back of an office drawer for an emergency flask Sunday, XRP the Standard Productions' Editor-In-Chief Clay Finkelstein happened upon a wrinkled copy of the inaugural edition of the satirical crypto news outlet's publication and had the brilliant idea of “sharing it with the world all these years later.”
“People love that kind of nostalgic crap, don't they?” said Finkelstein, still searching for his flask. “Oh well, it's a slow news day anyway, so why the hell not...”
*Coil subscribers can see a behind-the-scenes look at the first team of XRP_Productions reporters from 2011 below**...*
Western Union to Purchase MoneyGram Out of “Utter Fear and Panic”
