Trying diligently to maintain their well-established reputation for having unavailable services during highly volatile days in the market, cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase has implemented intense website shutdown drills to prepare themselves for inevitable upcoming crashes and bull runs.
“The day may come when we remain functional during crazy market movements,” said Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong to XRP_Productions reporters. “But damnit, not if I have anything to say about it.”
Mandatory Coinbase employee meeting to brainstorm ideas about how the cryptocurrency exchange could guarantee going offline during future market crashes and/or bull runs.
Armstrong reported the shutdown drills are thus far a success, training employees on skills ranging from rapid server unplugging to thorough ignoring of customer service queries.
“We've worked hard to gain our reputation,” said Armstrong. “We're not about to ruin that by starting to host a reliable exchange.”
*Coil subscribers can see copy for a new Coinbase ad about their commitment to unreliability below**...*
WASHINGTON—Meeting with a number of congressional Republicans at the White House Friday, President Donald Trump discussed plans for the United States' recovery from the currently crippled economy, stating with confidence that “next year is going to be a big year for XRP... Oops, I mean the country. A big year for the country.”
“We’re going into transition,” Trump said at the beginning of the meeting. “I call it transition to greatness. We’re going to do something very big and very fast and XRP is going to have a phenomenal year. I mean the United States is going to have a phenomenal year. Yeah, the United States. That's the ticket.”
Trump's speech to the press after his ambitious meeting with congressional Republicans. His rhetoric and even his banner appeared to show bullish yet guarded sentiments concerning XRP.
The president made his thoughts on the recovery clear, saying that the “third quarter” would be a “transition,” that the “fourth quarter is going to be good,” and “the first quarter of 2021 is going to be great.”
“So great, soooo damned great for XRP,” said Trump. “What did I say, XRP? I meant the US economy, of course. The US economy. Yup, that's what I meant.”
*Coil subscribers can see President Trump's tweet backing up his bullish sentiments below**...*
Going against the better judgment of every existing and potential stakeholder in the world Thursday, executives at blockchain payments company Ripple have announced their selection of the stock symbol “RIP” for their inevitable 2020 IPO.
“RIP... yeah... has a nice ring to it, don't you think?” said CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters, seemingly unaware of its correlation with the acronym 'Rest in Peace.' “It sounds strong. Cool. Confident. Yup, we've pretty much made up our minds.”
Unfortunate T-Shirt presently being mass-produced by blockchain payments company Ripple in celebration of their chosen stock symbol for their upcoming IPO.
The Silicon Valley wunderkind has not released a solid date for the IPO, but has expressed excitement at its potential implications, particularly after staking the claim on the new symbol.
“Soon,” said Garlinghouse, “people will be falling over themselves to buy our stock and see “RIP” all over their portfolios!”
Coil subscribers can see a future tweet from Brad Garlinghouse after his “RIP” stock sees its first day of trading below
Showing the world yet another example of his prowess as an entrepreneurial mastermind, Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao (CZ Binance) released a new line of Binance-produced dipping sauces Wednesday, “Buy the Dip.”
“The bear market has been long and difficult,” said CZ to XRP_Productions reporters. “But there's no reason it can't be delicious. With the introduction of our five mouth-watering sauces, I can personally guarantee you will always want to 'Buy the Dip.'”
One of CZ Binance's five new “Buy the Dip” dipping sauces, “Satoshi 'Nacho'moto.”
The Binance chief informed XRP_Productions that his new dip line offers five flavor options with the hopes of satisfying the tastes of every brand of crypto investor.
“At Binance, we love all cryptos and we love all flavors,” said CZ. “Whether you are a Bitcoin maximalist, a Doge diehard, or an XRP believer, you are sure to find a flavor that will make you want to “Buy the Dip!”
Coil subscribers can see all five Binance dips offered below
Checking the price of XRP for what seemed like the millionth time Monday, Chip Munson of San Jose, California began to hear the steely narration of Rod Serling behind him and finally realized what the hell was going on all this time.
“Imagine if you will,” said the smooth voice of Serling as Munson perked up his ears and nodded with realization. “A thirty-something man trapped in an obsession around a digital asset...”
Scene from the Twilight Zone episode that XRP holder Chip Munson realized he was in after hearing Rod Serling narrating about his obsession with XRP.
Munson informed XRP_Productions that he wasn't quite sure how his particular episode would end, but that he has trouble remaining positive about potential outcomes.
“Christ, I mean we've all seen Zone episodes, right?” said Munson. “Guy acts like an asshole to everyone because all he wants to do is read... ends up becoming the last man on earth, then breaks his glasses... it's all shit like that. I'm sure I'm in for it somehow with this XRP obsession...”
Coil subscribers can see the rest of Rod Serling's narration from the XRP Twilight Zone episode below
Showing the world that he does indeed rule with an iron fist, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse mandated all of his employees “get serious, toughen the hell up,” and return to their posts at the company's San Francisco headquarters Monday.
“Global financial infrastructure doesn't revolutionize itself damnit,” said Garlinghouse, shoving air-filtering masks into the hands of employees as they shuffled through the door. “Christ on a pony, are we gonna let a little pandemic stop our plans? Is THAT REALLY HOW WEAK WE ARE?!”
Ripple's SVP of Product & Corporate Development Asheesh Birla speaking with CEO Brad Garlinghouse, who is sporting his custom-made protective mask of choice.
The Ripple leader informed XRP_Productions reporters that the previous few months have been difficult to stomach as progress was slowed in their objectives for world cross-border payment domination.
“I think SWIFT started this whole Coronavirus thing, to be honest,” admitted Garlinghouse. “They were starting to feel the heat.”
Coil subscribers can see the custom-made mask that David Schwartz decided to use below
Convinced that it has a higher likelihood of 'mooning' faster, 2-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Charlotte, North Carolina converted his life savings from XRP into Tether Saturday after the coin raced to the third spot on the crypto market cap chart.
“I've been watching it for quite some time,” said Mingus, a self-proclaimed crypto chart guru. “Its market cap just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I haven't seen much price action yet, but in my mind I'm seeing a ticking time bomb. Sorry, XRP. I love ya, but Tether's about to explode.”
12-Month Tether chart which Leonard Mingus sees as “clear accumulation” which will lead to “a parabolic price rise before 2021.”
The unemployed dog groomer has not informed XRP_Productions of his ultimate price target for Tether, though he has hinted that his expectations are quite high.
“Four digits, I think.” said Mingus, wringing his hands. “Call me crazy if you want, but people probably said the same thing about those who predicted it would one day hit a dollar.”
Coil subscribers can see XRP_Productions' exclusive multiple-year Tether price predictions below
Making an honest but potentially fatal mistake Friday, author JK Rowling was forced to barricade herself in her mansion's safe room after being assaulted by scores of unstable crypto-loons when she asked people to “explain Bitcoin” to her on Twitter.
“Ms. Rowling has been through an extremely traumatic experience and will be unavailable to the public for an undetermined amount of time,” said a spokesperson. “Thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this time of personal tragedy.”
Well-meaning and passionate explanation of Bitcoin by Binance US CEO and superfan Catherine Coley to JK Rowling, who was “utterly confused and terrified” when watching it.
The Harry Potter author later communicated via emergency safe room phone line to XRP_Productions that she is in the initial stages of recovery and will possibly use the harrowing experience to craft a new novel.
“Joanne and the Fanatical Crypto Lunatics,” said Rowling. “It'll be my first official work of horror.”
*Coil subscribers can see the subtle 'cry for help' tweet sent by JK Rowling before deciding to run to her safe room below**...*
In an equally thrilling and frustrating moment for the online XRP community, President Donald Trump became aware of Twitter's XRP Tip Bot Thursday sending dozens of tips, each of them in an entirely incorrect fashion.
“Stevie just showed me the most amazing Twitter tool,” said Trump, referring to Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin. “You can send someone digital currency just by tweeting to them. This is huge. HUGE. '5 XRP to Stevie.' Boom. Believe it or not, this tweet just sent him digital coins. Game changer.'
President Trump's tweet to inform his supporters of the “amazing” XRP Tip Bot which completely misrepresents how it is properly used.
The President spent the evening trying to send XRP through Twitter to a bevy of friends and celebrities, tweeting incorrect Tip Bot commands such as '25 XRP sent your way!' and 'You get 500 XRP.'
The Trump news was bittersweet for XRP Tip Bot creator Wietse Wind, who just made a groundbreaking announcement that users will soon be able to get fiat currency ramped on and off of the Tip Bot.
“Well,” said Wind, “He doesn't understand a fu**ing thing about how to use it, but... thanks for the exposure, Mr. President.”
Coil subscribers can see President Trump try an innovative diplomatic usage of XRP Tip Bot below
Taking a bold step to lock in their decision before either of them began to have impure thoughts on the matter, crypto-billionaire twins Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss completed a blood pact Thursday to “never, ever, ever list XRP” on their cryptocurrency exchange Gemini.
“We've both caught each other thinking about listing it over the past year, to be honest,” said Cameron, playfully socking his brother in the arm while speaking to XRP_Productions reporters. “Finally, we're like, 'Enough of this craziness. Get the knife.”
C.A.T. S-Series knife used by Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss to initiate their wounds and complete their blood pact to never list XRP on Gemini.
The pact comes as no surprise to the online XRP community, who have long held the notion that the Winklevoss twins have a personal vendetta against the 3rd-ranked digital asset, some of them claiming they are manipulating the market by not listing the token.
“That's crazy,” said the twins together. “We do not have a personal vendetta against XRP. We just hate it, that's all.”
*Coil subscribers can see the additional bold step the Winklevoss twins took later that day to solidify their decision below**...*
Coinbase Practices Shutdowns to Prepare for Upcoming Crypto Bull Runs/Crashes
