In what is being heralded by the New York Times as “an unparalleled tour-de-force of digital token expertise,” prominent Bitcoin maximalist Tone Vays debuted his new Masterclass Wednesday, “The Truth About The Ripple Token.”
“We are so lucky to have Tone spew forth his knowledge about this controversial token,” said Masterclass CEO David Rogier. “When you watch this presentation, you will see the definition of a true expert.”
Still image of the high-quality Tone Vays 'Ripple Token' Masterclass in which the debonair master welcomes special guest Peter Todd for his segment 'Why Ripple Token is a Scam.'
In the seven-hour lecture Tone covers all of his favorite subjects surrounding the digital coin, including “Ripple Token is not even used by anyone,” “You can just change dollars for pesos, you don’t need Ripple Token,” and “Ripple Token is a piece of shit, worthless, evil, useless, made-from-thin-air, fake fraud.”
“I am the only one who holds all the answers about Ripple Token,” said Vays in a promo for his lecture. “And for $49.95 you can have the answers too...”
*Coil subscribers can see why detractors are criticizing* **Masterclass** *for using Vays as a Ripple Coin expert below**...*
Summoning the fortitude to swallow one of the most bitter pills they've ever had to swallow Monday, the world's largest Bitcoin miners have come together to each request loans from the multi-billion-dollar blockchain payments company Ripple to salvage their enterprises post-halving.
“Dear Ripple,” said a letter from Chinese mining giant Bitmain. “You are probably aware our rewards have just been cut in half while our costs remain the same. Would you be so kind as to lend us a few mil' until the next bull run?”
Letter to Ripple from Russian mega-mining facility Bitriver requesting a substantial loan in exchange for listed concessions.
Some miners have even taken to issuing threats to the Silicon Valley company, claiming that if they ultimately tank, they'll be bringing the entire market down with them.
“Cough it up, Ripple,” said the mining warehouse in Dalian, China. “If we die... YOU die! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!”
Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse's response to the Bitcoin miners' requests and threats below
Thrilled to have secured an hour of the presidential candidate's time in San Francisco Monday, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse reported that his first meeting with former Vice President Joe Biden was “quite productive and informative” but simultaneously “a little, um... awkward and creepy.”
“Vice President Biden was very attentive as I spoke about blockchain technology and digital assets,” said Garlinghouse, shifting his collar as he spoke with XRP_Productions reporters. “Yeah, that part was great. I'm just not sure why he was getting so close and pressing his body against me. I thought, 'Am I crazy, or is this a bit inappropriate?'”
2018 photograph shared withXRP_Productionsby Ripple CTO David Schwartz, who recalled a similarly unsettling experience after meeting Vice President Biden at a blockchain conference.
A spokesperson for the Biden campaign has denied any wrongdoing from the former Vice President, explaining that he's “from a touchy-feely generation.”
“I like beards,” said Biden in a later press conference, “And I wanted him to know how beautiful and luxurious his was in a heartfelt kinda way, man to man. No big deal.”
Coil subscribers can see a previous claim by Vice President Biden concerning Brad Garlinghouse that has since been debunked below
Wisps of liquid nitrogen still dissipating from his freshly-used vessel which had just transported him from January of the year 2017, Chip Nichols of Fairfield, Connecticut wept tears of joy after finding a computer and seeing the May 9, 2020 price of XRP at over 21 cents.
“I... I just can't believe it,” said Nichols, finding it difficult to speak through his painful elation. “We did it! 21 cents!! We did it, everyone! AHHHHAHAHAHA!!”
Note written by Chip Nichols to his wife on one of his original time machine sketches before his bold journey from 2017 to 2020 to discover if his precious XRP had mooned.
The intrepid adventurer calculated a 3,100% increase for his 2017 XRP holdings, each valued in his time at .0067 USD. Nichols then briefly explored the streets, noting a strange hypochondriac society enveloped in surgical masks and avoiding contact with each other before his wrist alarm indicated he must hasten back to his ship for the return voyage.
“I just wish,” said Nichols as he belted himself into his vessel. “That I could have found some XRP community members to rejoice with. They all must be SO HAPPY!”
Coil subscribers can see Chip Nichols' encouraging tweet to the 2017 XRP community upon returning to his time below
Speaking with XRP_Productions reporters while logging in to the social media site Saturday, 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Ridgecrest, California admitted to having a Twitter account “solely and exclusively for checking @HaraldoXRP's page for any new 'make way for moon' tweets.”
“I've realized it's the only thing that matters anymore,” said Mingus, a 34-year-old car wash manager who has grown weary of XRP's multiple-year bear market. “People can keep the damned riddles, hopium, and dumb-ass satirical articles. I'm just waiting for my new Haraldo tweet.”
The referenced tweet, legendary in the online XRP community, marked the beginning of the epic late-2017 bull run in which the digital asset reached as high as $3.80 on some exchanges and birthed a small but loyal group of “Haraldo-Tweet-Watchers,” Mingus being one.
“Every day, twenty times a day,” said Mingus, “I check Haraldo's tweets. One day... I don't know when... one day I'll see it: 'Shorts gonna get rekt. MAKE WAY FOR MOON AGAIN.”
Coil subscribers can magically see the future HaraldoXRP tweet to announce the next mega-bull run below
Breaking open perhaps the biggest story in crypto history Friday, XRP_Productions investigative reporters uncovered clear proof of Ripple's multi-billion XRP pre-allocation plan when they spotted a detailed list in CEO Brad Garlinghouse's office desk.
“They couldn't believe it when they busted open that drawer,” said Editor-In-Chief Clay Finkelstein of the reporters' good fortune while performing their investigative journalism inside the empty, COVID-19-abandoned Ripple headquarters. “There it was, just sitting there right on top of some pens and mints.”
Dormant office of two low-level Ripple programmers that was also investigated by XRP_Productions journalists, though no other news-worthy items were discovered.
The shocking list, which names top world banks, governments, and even influential figures and celebrities as pre-determined recipients of the over 50 billion XRP presently held in escrow, was neither confirmed nor denied by the blockchain payments company when contacted by XRP_Productions.
“You broke into our office and ransacked it,” said a Ripple spokesperson. “We're calling the authorities.”
*Coil subscribers can see the full list of recipients of the pre-allocated XRP below**...*
Hello everyone,XRP the Standard Productionshere. Are you sitting down? Good. I just wanted to make sure that everyone understands the words that they are about to read are SATIRE. Satirical. It's a satirized satirical piece of comedy. S-a-t-i-r-e. Are we okay to proceed? Are you sure? Okay, get ready to laugh... Here goes...
Appearing on a random wall inside a UK bank overnight Wednesday and capturing the wonder and curiosity of people around the world, a new masterpiece from legendary anonymous artist Banksy displayed a small boy holding a bag of the digital asset XRP.
(Boy, that was really funny, right??? I bet you're laughing so hard right now you can hardly breathe! But remember, this didn't really happen. It's just SATIRE. I hope we didn't harm anyone's life by pretending that a piece of Banksy artwork included XRP when it really didn't.)
(This is the REAL Banksy artwork that just appeared yesterday. You see, this article that you are reading right now is SATIRE. Banksy didn't ever make a piece of artwork with XRP on it. Now that we've cleared that up, feel free to LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH. Ahhhhhhhh! We feel SO much better now that we're giving all of these obvious disclaimers. This is how our satirical articles should have been all along! Wouldn't they have been SO MUCH BETTER AND FUNNIER?)
The news spread like wildfire throughout the online XRP and crypto communities, some people speculating that Banksy was tipping his hat to the digital currency that many think will alter the global financial system and allow people to finally send value as easily and cheaply as information.
(Remember, that last paragraph wasn't really true. The news didnotspread throughout the online XRP community, because this news didn't even really happen.XRP_ProductionsSINCERELY hopes this fun little story didn't hurt anyone. We just wanted people to have a hearty laugh. Please God, forgive us for that.)
Coil subscribers can see XRP_Productions' new campaign since realizing the utter devastation that their satirical articles have caused below...
Disappointing many who thought the show was going to be centered around blockchain and XRP, Ripple CTO David Schwartz aired the first episode of his new podcast Tuesday, welcoming clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson and Dutch extreme athlete Wim Hof for a seven hour long-form interview.
“I know, I know, some people wanted the podcast to be more about crypto,” said Schwartz to XRP_Productions reporters. “But I've been on Joe Rogan before... I've studied how podcasts become successful. Super long, winding conversations with intellectuals and radicals. THAT gets the downloads!”
David Schwartz's January appearance on Joe Rogan, in which he quizzed the popular host about what makes for a successful podcast.
The co-creator of the XRP Ledger expressed excitement at the possibilities of his new podcast, which he feels could eventually lead to a full-time endeavor.
“Next week I'm gonna try shaving my head,” said Schwartz. “Then I might start trying to get jacked. After that, I'm considering going carnivore and dabbling in a little MMA. Man, I really think this podcasting stuff is gonna be GREAT!”
Coil subscribers can see a list of upcoming guests for David Schwartz's podcast below
Thinking he had finished a brief Zoom interview with CNN's Julia Chatterley Tuesday morning, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse continued speaking with a nearby associate without realizing his microphone was still 'hot', divulging Ripple's plans to purchase blockchain company R3 as well as his personal affinity for the Netflix series Tiger King.
“I wish I could have told her about us buying R3,” said Garlinghouse to the anonymous associate off camera, under the impression the First Move interview had concluded. “Oh well, we'll be able to talk about it later this month. Hey, you wanna watch some more Tiger King? God, I just loooooove that show!”
Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse speaking to someone in the room about his company's purchase of R3 and his desire to watch Tiger King without realizing his mic was still on.
The saucy news spread rapidly throughout crypto Twitter and the online XRP community, confirming what many had previously suspected yet stunning thousands more.
“Brad watches Tiger King?” said community member Michael B. to XRP_Productions reporters. “Really?!”
*Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse's tweet talking about his slip-up below**...*
Getting a bit overzealous during his “most favorite holiday ever,” Ripple CTO David Schwartz completely humiliated himself with a horrific round of Star Wars cosplay Monday.
“I don't care what anyone thinks,” said Schwartz in a video interview with XRP_Productions as his wife, dressed as Darth Vader, tended to his Princess Leia curls. “'May the Fourth Be With You Day' is the only day I ever get to be MYSELF... not what the WORLD wants me to be. This day is about DAVID. Hey honey, where's my laser blaster?”
David Schwartz showing the world his personal “Jedi Closet” during last year's Star Wars holiday. Many claim the Ripple CTO has gone even further off the rails this May 4th.
The co-creator of the XRP Ledger has expressed no desire to slow down, telling XRP_Productions his 2021 costume will be his most ambitious to date.
“I don't want to give away the character,” said Schwartz, “but... let's just say I have about 1,400 pounds to gain between now and then. And my wife has to get into bikini-shape.”
*Coil subscribers can see one of David Schwartz's proudest Star Wars moments at Ripple below**...*
Tone Vays Debuts New Masterclass on “Ripple Token”
