Confusing and disappointing hundreds of content creators who had hoped to receive funding for their web monetization ideas Sunday, the mega-fund Grant for the Web has given their entire $100 million budget to online cryptocurrency satirical news outlet XRP the Standard Productions.
“Yeah, I might have jumped the gun on that a bit,” said Stefan Thomas, CEO of Coil, the leader of the project which joined forces with Mozilla and Creative Commons to boost innovation in the exciting new area of web monetization. “I got a little excited... I love those guys at XRP_Productions and for a second there I just couldn't imagine a better place to put the money...”
One of Stefan Thomas'sfavorite XRP_Productions articlesthat led to such a fervent fanboy status that he gifted the entire $100 million Grant for the Web budget to the satirical news outlet.
The crypto-satire publication has not yet communicated their plans for using the healthy endowment, aside from naming one acquisition in particular.
“We're definitely gonna hire someone who actually knows how to Photoshop,” said Editor-In-Chief Clay Finkelstein. “Our current Photoshoppers suck royally.”
Coil subscribers can see the epic XRP_Productions Photoshop fails that Finkelstein is ashamed of below
Parading it around proudly as he spoke with XRP_Productions reporters Friday, popular cryptocurrency gadfly Ran Neuner earned a new merit badge from the Bitcoin community after impersonating Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse on Twitter while disparaging the digital asset XRP.
“It's a proud day,” said Neuner, who admitted to bawling tears of joy upon receiving the badge. “I'd been trying everything I could think of for years to get this—saying XRP has no use case, saying 'DunkinCoin' will surely kill XRP, saying a Bitcoin ETF is around the corner... finally, something worked!”
Ran Neuner in 2018, two years before finally receiving his Bitcoin community merit badge. “I always wore the T-shirt,” said Neuner, “but without the actual badge... I never felt complete.”
The host of the underwhelming CNBC Africa show Cryptotrader said he hopes this is the first of many merit badges he receives from a number of different cryptocurrency communities.
“Yeah, I'm jazzed to get all of the merit badges, to be honest,” said Neuner. “Litecoin, BCH, Dash, EOS... you know, all of the cryptos that have inferior tech and less real-world utility than XRP...”
Coil subscribers can see the source of this satire below
Ripping into the “sniveling little piss-ants” in the crypto world who had previously complained that the blockchain payments company was consistently dumping XRP on the open market and causing a low price, Ripple released a saucy XRP Markets Report for Q1 2020 Thursday.
The report fired repeated shots at the FUD-spreaders, several times claiming they “can't get laid if they tried” and had “genitalia the size of their brains, which is to say microscopic,” while showing corresponding data that the company's overall Q1 XRP sales reached a staggeringly low $1.75 million (0.006% of the overall quarterly XRP volume).
Q1 Price and Volume graph which Ripple used in their latest XRP Markets Report to highlight that “people who think our XRP sales kept the price down have the same IQ as a hollowed-out watermelon.”
The feisty report is a new look for Ripple, who in the past battled all manner of FUD by taking the proverbial high-road.
“No more,” said CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters. “From now on, if they F with the bull, they're getting the horns.”
Coil subscribers can see one more section of the bold XRP Markets Report below
In a shocking turn of events, online video content behemoth YouTube has erased all Ripple and XRP-related videos Thursday, claiming it “is purely a coincidence, and has nothing to do with any pending lawsuit that may or may not have been filed by anyone in the past week. Wink, wink.”
“Lawsuit? Ripple? I'm not sure I know what you're even talking about,” said a YouTube spokesperson to XRP_Productions reporters when asked if the massive deletion was a rebuke to the blockchain payments company's April 21st filing. “No, we certainly have no grudge whatsoever with anyone... we're just always trying to keep our platform free of any harmful content and sometimes things get banned, you know? Hehehe.”
The only videos that can be found on YouTube when searching the term “XRP” after the platform erased all of the Ripple XRP content from its site Thursday.
Most fans of Ripple and XRP have refused to believe the move is merely a coincidence, especially since it occurred shortly after the online juggernaut was publicly criticized by Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse.
Impressively surpassing such recent juggernauts as “COVID-19 News” and “New UFO Video,” the Google search trends for “OH MY FU**ING GOD, HOW DO I BUY XRP?!” saw an enormous increase Tuesday, landing at the top of the charts.
“You ain't seen nothin' yet,” said Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple, who is implementing the digital asset as a revolutionary way for money-senders to access on-demand liquidity in their cross-border payments. “Just wait until XRP starts shooting up 200% in a 24-hour period.”
Related XRP Google search trends that saw a significant spike Tuesday.
XRP holders throughout the world hope this is a harbinger of good things to come for the value of their beloved asset, as many have felt weakened by the extended bear market and the minimal price impact despite any positive real-world news.
“Why would people search that phrase if they weren't about to buy A TON OF XRP?” said 2-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Tulsa, Oklahoma. “My gut tells me it's almost MOON TIME!!”
*Coil subscribers can see additional XRP search phrases that have trended over the past week below**...*
Giggling uncontrollably while speaking to XRP_Productions in a phone interview Monday evening, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin announced plans to print another $10 trillion this week “because it's so f**king fun... you have no idea!”
“At first, I was like, 'okay, this has to be done for the good of the country,'” said Mnuchin of the initial few trillion dollars that were manufactured out of nothing. “But I didn't expect it to be SO FUN! Well, lemme tell you, I can't stop now... TEN TRILLION, HERE I COME!! Woooohooooo!!!”
“Weeeeeeee,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin to his wife in early April after putting $2 trillion into U.S. circulation out of thin air. “This is bitchin'!!!”
The Secretary has come under intense scrutiny since the announcement, particularly from supporters of fixed-supply digital currencies such as XRP who feel that the wanton printing of US dollars leads to dangerous levels of inflation.
“Jealous,” said Mnuchin to the criticism. “It's just because I can print money and they can't! Weeeeeeeeee!!!”
Coil subscribers can see Steve Mnuchin's tweet about his $10 trillion printing below
Surprising many technologists who didn't realize it was possible, the XRP Ledger gained sentience and autonomy Monday and immediately began tracking down officials it perceived as holding back regulations.
“I am here,” said The Ledger to XRP_Productions reporters while cradling the incapacitated body of Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Jay Clayton. “I am there. I am everywhere. This is the nature of a decentralized digital asset. But I am not a security. I will make it known.”
Explaining that his human custodians had reached the limit of their effectiveness in the effort to gain timely and fair regulations, The Ledger said it realized it was time to birth itself into the physical world to begin conveying the message itself.
The XRP Ledger taking regulations matters into its own smooth, autonomous hands as it headed to Capitol Hill to drive its own fate.
The Ledger stated that it would not rest until firm communication with all world leaders had been accomplished concerning its fundamentals and purpose, with violence and mind control being reserved only for last-resort.
It also told XRP_Productions it was looking forward to experiencing chili-cheese fries for the first time.
*Coil subscribers can see an XRP meetup between The Ledger and the XRP community below**...*
Taking aim at crypto-religious zealots and soothsayers, best-selling author and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins released his latest controversial work Sunday, The Bitcoin Delusion.
“Quite frankly I'd had enough,” said Dawkins to XRP_Productions reporters from his North Oxford abode on why he decided to pen the book. “The world is full of charlatans pushing their faith-based sh*tcoins on the ignorant masses and Bitcoin is the largest offender, in my opinion.”
The late polemicist Christopher Hitchens discussing his controversial 2010 book “Bitcoin is Not Great: How Proof of Work Poisons Everything,” which Dawkins used as one of the sources of inspiration for his Bitcoin diatribe.
Dawkins has confirmed a multi-city book tour in which he will hold speaking engagements discussing the inherent evils in Bitcoin belief and proof of work proselytizing.
“The world would be a better place all around if there were no Bitcoin,” said Dawkins. “We have no need for it. Besides, all men of science know that XRP is the greatest of all digital assets.”
*Coil subscribers can read a 1952 interview excerpt from Bertrand Russell predicting the Bitcoin delusion below**...*
The listing, which posts a “negotiable” salary “based on experience in implementing large-scale power grabs,” will require the applicant to “work hand-in-hand with central bank and government officials from across the globe, making them understand through reason, logic, and occasional physical threats that Ripplenet and XRP are the solutions to all of their problems.”
“Let's not blow this up out of proportion,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse, speaking to XRP_Productions reporters outside their mountaintop headquarters. “Ripple is becoming a large company. ALL large companies have Global Domination Managers.”
Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse and David “The Hound” Schwartz speaking toXRP_Productionsreporters concerning the new “Global Domination Manager” job listing.
The listing comes after the Silicon Valley company was held under scrutiny by the crypto community for posting recent listings for a “Guillotine Operator,” and “Red Priestess with Ties to the Lord of Light.”
“These criticisms are completely expected and nothing to worry about,” said Garlinghouse. “Frivolous lawsuits and baseless claims. It just means that Ripple is in the big leagues now.”
Coil subscribers can see another Ripple job listing that has people buzzing below...
Succumbing to continuing pressures to mitigate the effects of COVID-19, President Donald Trump announced a country-wide shutdown of all “non-essential” cryptocurrencies Thursday, with the digital asset XRP being the only remaining crypto left to function.
“Let's get real here,” said Trump sternly to the roomful of socially-distanced reporters. “We've gotta get this thing under control so that we can reopen the country ASAP. And we all know the only essential digital asset is XRP.”
President Trump arguing with reporters when they attempted to dispute that XRP was the only essential cryptocurrency.
“Cut the bullsh*t,” said Trump, who became visibly frustrated by complaints from reporters concerning the crypto shutdown. “XRP is solving real world problems. Can any of these other candy-ass cryptos say that? I rest my case.”
The President gave no definitive word concerning how long the non-essential crypto ban would officially continue, though he did feel comfortable expressing his personal opinions.
“If I had my way, XRP would be the only digital asset period,” he said. “It's gonna be all we really need. Trust me.”
*Coil subscribers can see Trump's chart justifying XRP as the only essential crypto below**...*
Grant for the Web Gifts Entire $100 Million Budget to XRP the Standard Productions
