Gnashing their teeth and bellowing with rage Wednesday, thousands of angered XRP holders took to the San Francisco streets to riot in protest of the rumored resignation of Miguel Vias, Head of XRP Markets for blockchain payments company Ripple.
“WHYYYYYY?!?!?” screamed two-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus who had flown to San Francisco from Sheboygan, Wisconsin to join the riots. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE XRP AS LIQUID AS A G-10 CURRENCY!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHYYYYYY?!?!?!”
Smashing city property and private storefronts alike, the rioters were met with stern resistance from members of the city police and National Guard, with over 5,000 injuries being tallied by the end of the evening.
Late-evening vigil held in San Francisco with XRP holders mourning the loss of Ripple's Head of XRP Markets Miguel Vias (pictured with previously-mourned Ripple employee and XRP fan-favorite Cory Johnson).
XRP_Productions' requests for comment from Mr. Vias went unanswered, causing the reporters of the satirical news outlet to join in the riot and begin smashing shit.
Coil subscribers can see XRP_Productions' favorite Miguel Vias appearance in a video below
A day after announcing their bold lawsuit against YouTube for not policing reputation-damaging scam videos, blockchain payments company Ripple filed another complaint in a San Francisco federal court against satirical crypto-news outlet XRP the Standard Productions for “continually making us look silly, even though it's often funny sh*t.”
TwoXRP_Productionsfake news stories that caused Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse to be “particularly pissed off” and thus move ahead with Wednesday's lawsuit.
Two absurd articles fromXRP_Productionsthat caused Ripple's David Schwartz to laugh but ultimately join CEO Brad Garlinghouse in Wednesday's lawsuit against the fake news outlet.
Surprising many in the crypto world who didn't know the humorous news outlet was even on his radar, President Donald Trump expressed his approval of the lawsuit, claiming XRP_Productions had made him look equally foolish on many occasions.
“They are fake news,” said President Trump. “Not as bad as CNN, of course, and much funnier, but still... Fake. F-a-k-e.”
*Coil subscribers can see which articles particularly pissed off the President below**...*
Holding its hat in its hands and welling up with tears after experiencing an absurdly ridiculous price plunge Monday, the crude oil market issued a sincere apology to the cryptocurrency market for calling it “volatile” in 2018.
“I guess I should have thought a bit more before I spoke,” said the oil market, biting its lower lip. “I just saw all those crazy pumps and dumps you had back then and I thought it could never happen to me. I hope we can still be friends.”
The oil market's catastrophic fall in value Monday which caused it to take back its “volatile” jab at crypto from 2018.
The oil market promised it would never again make fun of crypto and warned other pompous markets to bite their tongues.
“Real estate... metals... stocks... bonds... you guys better be careful,” said the oil market. “Crypto might have the last laugh...”
*Coil subscribers can see what the JPMorgan and Wells Fargo has to say to the crypto market below**...*
Surprising only those who didn't realize he was already heavily invested in blockchain payments company Ripple, Hollywood celebrity Ashton Kutcher held a YouTube Live-Stream and “shot the shit about XRP” with wife and fellow celebrity Mila Kunis Sunday evening.
“Welcomm to the Kutcher and Kunis XRP Liive-Streamm,” said the actor, beginning to slightly slur his words as he drank his homemade wine. “Where we talk anny and everythinn XRP—the greatesss digital asset everrr created. Beforrr we carry onn, make sure you hit that 'like' button...”
Ashton Kutcher showing a clip of his appearance on the Ellen show in 2019 and describing the “freakinnn awesome essperience of tellinn the worlll about XRP” during his XRP live-stream Sunday.
The stars bantered for three hours about the digital asset, becoming more and more intoxicated as the evening wore on.
Kutcher appeared to make a 2021 price prediction before collapsing to the floor minutes before the video ended, though XRP_Productions could not decipher the muffled number upon playing back the video.
Coil subscribers can see who Ashton Kutcher suspects is Bearableguy123 below
Taking the first little baby steps to improve their well-established image of being a giant coal-sucking mega-farm of pointless algorithm processing, top Bitcoin mining firm Bitmain planted a tree Sunday.
“Despite what critics say, we care deeply about the environment,” said Bitmain CEO and tech billionaire Jihan Wu, spraying the single tree with a garden hose while speaking to XRP_Productions reporters. “See how vibrant? Smell that oxygen! Ahhhhhh.”
The tree is the first in a line of eco-friendly changes the mining giant is set on making, including LED light fixture upgrades and the installation of wires on employees' temples to siphon trace amounts of human body energy.
One of the new outdoor toilets installed by Bitmain in an eco-minded effort to save water at the gargantuan Bitcoin mining compound.
“Bitcoin is the future,” said Wu, dabbing beads of sweat from his forehead, “and the greatest driver for green energy innovation the world has ever seen. Can XRP and the XRP ledger say as much? I think not... I think not.”
Coil subscribers can see Wu's plan to sustain Bitcoin mining into the future below
Briefly saddening a small handful of people in the online 'XRP Community' who looked forward to the silly little articles they published on a daily basis, satirical crypto news outlet XRP the Standard Productions sold their burgeoning business for an undisclosed amount to Brendan Blumer, CEO of Block.one, owner of the greatest blockchain protocol in the history of the universe, *EOS*.
*EOS* is a next-generation, open-source blockchain protocol with industry-leading transaction speed and flexible utility. Introduced in May 2017, it has since been widely recognized as the first performant blockchain platform for businesses across the world.
Image of the EOS blockchain/token symbol. This picture is perfect because it embodies how EOS is going to take over the universe. It's truly the greatest blockchain and token, like for real. You need to go buy a whole bunch of EOS right now. Like, right now. Are you buying it yet? We're not f**king around, go buy EOS.
From this point forward, XRP the Standard Productions has reported that it will be known as *EOS the Standard Productions* and will publish daily articles about the greatness of *EOS*.
*Go buy EOS. Buy EOS. You really need to buy some EOS. A lot of it.*
*Coil subscribers can see what XRP_Productions is doing now that they have their hefty payoff money from Block.one**...*
Handed over to XRP_Productions by a close friend of his family after finally reaching an adequate payoff price Friday, a rare public photograph of Ripple CTO David Schwartz proved once-and-for-all that the infamous “12-foot tall” legend surrounding the blockchain superstar is indeed true.
“We consider ourselves verrry lucky to get hold of this picture,” said XRP_Productions' Editor-in-Chief Clay Finkelstein. “Verrrry lucky, indeed. Schwartz is notorious for avoiding the lens. We've all heard the tall tales about his size, but until now we had no proof...”
“I tell ya, he's twelve feet tall if he's an inch,” said the family friend, counting his cash after relinquishing the black-and-white picture. “Can palm a watermelon. Could lift a Hyundai over his head if he wanted, yessiree-Bob!”
One of the previous images of Ripple CTO David Schwartz that had circulated around the internet for years before it was debunked as a Photoshop in 2016.XRP_Productions' latest acquisition verified the gargantuan size of the XRP Ledger co-creator.
“We're known for breaking big crypto-related stories,” said Finkelstein of XRP_Productions' previous journalistic bombshells, “but this one's huge. Eat it, CoinDesk!”
*Coil subscribers can see another picture of blockchain giant David Schwartz that has circulated the internet but never been verified**...*
Quashing recent rumors that they were possibly considering using the digital asset in their cross-border payment flows, Western Union CEO Hikmet Ersek said Thursday that a recent 1-minute test of XRP proved “absolutely no benefits whatsoever. None. Goose egg.”
“It's a cute little token, for sure,” said Ersek to XRP_Productions reporters. “And we played around with it for about 60-seconds or so—somewhere around there. But when you settle payments as efficiently as we do, you can't really get any value out of a little digital coin. Zero. Zilch. Zip-eddy-doo-dah.”
Western Union CEO Hikmet Ersek tellingXRP_Productionsreporters that their recent 60-second test of XRP “didn't even provide this much value. Nope. Not at all. Squat. Nah-nah-nah-nah... nah-nah-nah-nah... hey hey hey... goodbye.”
The CEO caught a significant amount of criticism for the comments, with many wondering how Western Union could have possibly made a proper assessment after such a tiny amount of testing.
“Doesn't make much sense,” said Asheesh Birla, SVP of Product & Corporate Development at blockchain payments company Ripple. “Sounds like he's in denial a bit. In my opinion, Western Union better be careful... they don't want to end up in the dustpan.”
*Coil subscribers can see Hikmet Ersek's tweet about the XRP testing below**...*
It's been a while, so I figured we'd give an update for anyone who was curious about how the silly satirical news source XRP the Standard Productions is fairing in this Coil endeavor.
I will say this: very cool milestones have been reached since the last time we showed our progress, but overall it's been more of a struggle...
Any other Coil content creators notice less traffic? Smaller 'boosts'? A general decrease in positive attitudes? Well, you're not alone.
Here are my thoughts, and don't for a second think that I'm claiming they're original. I've heard several people express the same sentiments:
Coil in its present form is a testing ground in beta (duh, right?). They want to prove the basic function of a web-monetized platform. There may come a day within the next few years when deals are made with much larger entities/websites and they will begin to incorporate Coil web monetization into very popular platforms, services, or browsers which will already account for your membership fee (for instance, your Netflix or Prime subscription will cover it... no need for an additional Coil membership). Over five or so years, as more people see that it is viable, more sites/platforms will adopt it. Over the next ten or fifteen years, if all goes well, almost every online site will be getting some type of income from some type of web monetization. Coil's market share of that is yet-to-be-determined, but micropayments and web monetization itself just makes far too much sense to not ultimately win out.
But for now, to all of you content creators, keep producing. Write what makes you happy and be thrilled that we are getting to play in the sandbox and prove the concept. The amount that we are making now in streaming XRP payments is sooooo minuscule and irrelevant... it's the IDEA and FUNCTION of it that is important. Probably more important than you realize...
SO, enough blabbing from me. How has XRP_Productions been faring? How much XRP have we made? How many people have visited our articles? Hmmmmm????
First, I must say that I'm tickled pink in this depressing and disastrous time to have surpassed 250 followers on Coil. Means very little in the grand scheme, I'm the first to admit. But it is a nice feeling considering the daily effort of writing comedy that is surprisingly mentally taxing to create.
Okay, you know the drill... if you wanna see the data that I mentioned above, you gotta . Support the XRP ecosystem. It's five bucks a month. I know you can do it. I believe in you. I love you. Too far... sorry.
Gathering together, each holding a heart-felt personal note of concern from which they solemnly read, friends of Dutch programmer Wietse Wind held an intervention Monday to confront his increasingly dangerous bird addiction.
“We love you,” said long-time friend Tom Kuster, “but the birds are just too much. It's time you make an important choice: Us or them.”
Wietse Wind coding at his workstation in 2017 in his favorite hat, just before his bird obsession “started getting a bit out of control,” according to friends.
The XUMM creator reportedly listened to each of the messages silently with his arms crossed and lower lip protruded before standing and responding to their concerns.
“I didn't know you all felt this way,” said Wind, putting on his red feathered jacket to leave the room. “I'm taking a walk. I have some thinking to do...”
*Coil subscribers can see Wietse Wind's final answer to his friends and family below**...*
Thousands Injured In Riots After Miguel Vias Rumored to Leave Ripple
