Appearing on CNBC's “Closing Bell” Thursday, Galaxy Digital CEO Mike Novogratz, a long-time proponent of Bitcoin, informed the world that the cryptocurrency could “kiss my bald white ass” if it was not “at least double its present value in six months.”
“I know I always talk up Bitcoin even during long bear markets,” said Novogratz, his face becoming red with rage. “But quite frankly I'm at the end of my tether. A global economic meltdown and we get almost NO price action?! I'll give it six more months to double, then it can go p*ss up a mother-f**kin' tree, for all I care...”
The horrible 3-Month Dow Jones chart which Novogratz says should have alternatively caused Bitcoin to spike “if people had two G**damned brain cells in their heads... which apparently they don't.”
The mogul was unclear whether he would eventually attempt to support any other digital asset were Bitcoin to not meet the price in his ultimatum.
“Shit, I don't know,” he said. “Maybe I'll try 'the digital asset that shall not be named.' Oof, that's gonna be a bitter f**kin' pill to swallow...”
*Coil subscribers can see the source of this parody below**...*
Forced to forego the usual setting of a smoke-filled high-rise boardroom, blockchain payments company Ripple brought together a group of the most powerful and influential individuals in the world Wednesday to discuss the “global financial reset” on video conference site Zoom.
“Thanks for attending and I'm happy you all figured out your webcams,” began Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse, the display showing his code name MOONBOOTS. “Let's begin, shall we?”
Billionaire Warren Buffett, code name MARGARITAVILLE, having a bit of trouble with his webcam during the Ripple-hosted global financial reset meeting on Zoom Wednesday.
The collection of world-superpowers reportedly had a very productive meeting, finalizing the dates for “flipping the switch” and transferring to the digital asset XRP as the global reserve currency.
“We're ready,” said European Central Bank President Christine Lagarde at the end of the conference. “As I said before, the world will un-ray on ipple-Ray.”
*Coil subscribers can see what other mega-powerful world leader came into the Zoom meeting late below**...*
Proving that the forced isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic can cause even the brightest minds to crack, Ripple CTO David Schwartz was found Tuesday in the abandoned Chase Center, home of the NBA's Golden State Warriors, cheering on an invisible game.
“Attaboy, Steph!” yelled Schwartz to an empty court as we waived a Warriors banner. “Ten 3-pointers in a row! Woooo-hoooo!!!”
Ripple CTO David Schwartz apprehended on the court (bottom right) by Chase Center security after being found wandering the abandoned stadium alone.
According to friends and family, the co-founder of the XRP ledger had been listless and depressed since the cancellation of the NBA season and had at times seemed to be in denial that there would be no more games.
“I called him up yesterday morning and asked him what his plans were for the day,” said close friend and co-worker Nik Bougalis. “He said he was heading to the Warriors game. I laughed 'cause I thought he was joking! Poor David... I hope he gets the help he needs.”
*Coil subscribers can see David Schwartz's accommodations after being caught in Chase Stadium below**...*
Finally having a major world crisis they could exploit to take away their responsibility of operating an ancient and miserable payment system, The Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunications (SWIFT) expressed “great relief” at the current COVID-19 pandemic.
“Holy shit, this will be perfect for a few months at least,” said SWIFT CEO Javier Perez-Tasso, dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief as he spoke with XRP_Productions reporters. “I mean, we're not saying the virus is a good thing, but it's the whole 'lemonade from lemons' thing, you know? No one will question our 7-10 day payments while this bullshit is going on!”
SWIFT CEO Javier Perez-Tasso explaining to XRP_Productions reporters that he “feels a bit guilty” but is “over the moon” that he can blame SWIFT's slow payments on COVID-19 for the time-being.
Perez-Tasso said he understood the crisis would be temporary and that eventually the consortium would have to address their antiquated means of cross-border messaging and settlement.
“Believe me, we know that eventually we'll be replaced by Ripplenet and ODL. But for now, I'll take whatever global crisis I can get to buy us a little more time...”
Coil subscribers can see SWIFT's tweet about their slow payments during this crisis below
In a devastating report Sunday, the World Health Organization (WHO) published findings that an estimated half-million new cases of severe XRP price flu (XRP-0.15) have materialized across the globe over the past week.
“I thought we were making our way out of the woods on XRP-0.15,” said WHO's Director-General Tedros Adhanom, speaking to XRP_Productions reporters from Geneva, Switzerland. “But this tidal wave of new cases proves otherwise. God help us.”
Doctors in Italy working around the clock to give aid to XRP holders who are experiencing severe XRP-0.15. The country slightly leads the US and China in new cases, with the UK and South Korea rounding out the top 5.
The ailment strikes its victims with fever, light-headedness, dry mouth, erratic heartbeat, insomnia, and in some cases severe impotence.
Adhanom admits that there is presently no cure for XRP-.015 and that he hopes it will “solve itself by an eventual bull run.”
“I don't know about that,” said long-time XRP holder Ray Witbeck, himself dealing with a mild case of XRP price flu. “Utility-based price is a long way off... I think this pandemic is just beginning...”
*Coil subscribers can see a chart of the most common symptoms associated with XRP-0.15 below**...*
Nestled among the large heapings of aid set aside for workers and families, corporations and small businesses, and state and local governments in Friday's 'CARES Act', XRP_Productions investigative reporters identified a curious and hope-inducing $100 billion portion which aims to “Pump the Shit Out of the Crypto Market.”
“It's a bit of a mystery even to us at this point,” said XRP_Productions' Editor-in-Chief Clay Finkelstein. “Funny how not a single media outlet, journalist, senator or representative ever mentioned anything about it... but there it is, right in the bill... go see for yourself.”
Pie chart showing the allocated portions of Friday's $2 trillion “Cares Act”, including $100 billion to “Pump the Holy Living Shit Out of Crypto.”
If followed through, the $100 billion absorbed into the cryptocurrency market has some analysts saying that the average token could see an increase of 10,000% its present value.
“Sweet Mary Mother of God!” said Finkelstein. “Now THAT's a PUMP!”
*Coil subscribers can see President Donald Trump's tweet about the $100 billion allocated for crypto below**...*
“It's great,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse, who has admitted that he is focused on the long term when it comes to the value of XRP. “Some people are upset that it's three years after the announcement, but hey, we always knew this market was batsh*t crazy, so we'll take it!”
Brad Garlinghouse interviewed at SWELL 2017, hopeful that the American Express partnership would have a positive impact on the price of XRP “at some point within the next decade, if all goes well.”
The latent value increase has global XRP holders excited about other significant news that occurred over the past three years but failed to yield any positive returns at the time.
“Holy shit, do you know what this means?” said long time XRP community member Michael B. “In just a few months we could see the 2018 Moneygram announcement show itself in the charts! Cha-ching!!!”
Shortly after Friday's healthy spike, the asset dropped approximately 7%.
*Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse's tweet about XRP's recent price movement below**...*
Taking their responsibilities as one of the largest digital asset communities in the world very seriously, global XRP holders have agreed to modify the logo of the decentralized cryptocurrency to advocate social distancing.
“We're just doin' our part,” said 2-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus. “Never let it be said that the XRP community doesn't care.”
Screenshot oflivecoinwatch.comafter the XRP community decided to change its logo to promote social distancing. It is the only digital asset in the top 100 to take such responsible measures.
The asset's value rose a startling 9% after the change, which many are attributing directly to fervent approval from the cryptocurrency communities at large.
“Zero doubt!” said Mingus. “The change in logo definitely made us more well-respected! Man, if only we'd added the surgical mask to the logo like I wanted...”
*Coil subscribers can see the target of this parody below**...*
Anonymous but trusted sources within XRP_Productions' clandestine journalistic rumor mill report that presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Joe Biden is very close to deciding upon Chris Larsen, co-founder and former CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple, as his Vice Presidential running mate.
“We can neither confirm nor deny that we are considering Mr. Larsen,” said Biden campaign manager Greg Schultz, “but if we were... could you blame us? I mean Chris has the looks, the smarts, the cool demeanor... plus he's about to be one of the richest men in the world with all that XRP he holds—wowwweeee!”
Secret Chris Larsen campaign poster acquired byXRP_Productionswhich appears to confirm the rumors surrounding Biden's consideration of the former Ripple CEO as a running mate.
The rumor sent XRP holders around the world into a frenzy, as Larsen has been a steadfast advocate of the digital currency being the solution to improving the cost and speed of global cross-border payments and freeing up the trillions of dollars in trapped Nostro/Vostro capital around the world.
After the earth-shattering news, the price of XRP unsurprisingly dropped 3%.
*Coil subscribers can see the other two leaked campaign posters that have XRP_Productions reporters quite confused below**...*
His frustrations with battling the COVID-19 crisis coming to a head at the White House press conference Tuesday, Coronavirus expert Dr. Anthony Fauci bluntly advised the citizens of the U.S. to “quit slinging around your disease-laden paper bills and start buying and using digital currencies like XRP, for the love of Peter!”
“Jeebus, you people disgust me with the way you pass around your germ papers,” said Fauci, holding up a sheet of his top suggestions to slow the spread of the virus over the next two weeks. “Do you have any idea what kind of vile filth is spread all over that trash? DO YOU?!? Gaaahhh!!!”
Dr. Anthony Fauci at Tueday's press conference saying he's “about this close” to “slapping the next guy” he sees using cash. The virus expert is advising citizens to ditch the “putrid parchment” and adopt digital currencies like XRP.
Dr. Fauci carried on the rant for fifteen minutes until President Donald Trump began pulling him away from the lectern.
“You're all vermin if you keep that shit in your pockets! Vermin!” said the doctor as he was dragged away. “XRP, PEOPLE! FREE YOURSELF FROM THE DISEASE! USE XRP!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!”
Coil subscribers can read part of Dr. Fauci's Fox News interview about trading cash for XRP below
Novogratz: “Bitcoin Can Kiss My Ass if Not Double Its Value in Six Months”
