Trapped in an Australian facility and unable to have human interaction for an undetermined amount of time due to a positive COVID-19 diagnosis, actor Tom Hanks has used a stuffed animal, the wily 'Bearableguy123', as his friend and confidant to aid in surviving the difficult experience.
“We get in arguments from time to time, but I've grown to love ol' Bear-Bear,” tweeted Hanks of the doll, a cartoon bear that is known for producing cryptic riddles for the world's community of holders of the digital asset XRP. “To be honest, I don't know what I'd do without him right now...”
Actor Tom Hanks announcing the beginning of his quarantine in early March with his plush friend.
The presence of the stuffed bear has both perplexed and excited XRP enthusiasts around the world, most of them convinced that the well-connected movie star is sending a message to the world about the imminent price explosion of XRP after the dust settles from the pandemic.
“We're gonna rise from the ashes after this,” tweeted Hanks, fueling the speculative fire. “Zero doubt.”
*Coil subscribers can see the origins of this nonsense below...*
Taking an innovative approach to ensuring their employees are following the 'work from home' suggestion, blockchain payments company Ripple has released three families of man-eating lions into their San Francisco office headquarters.
“At Ripple we care deeply about our employees,” said CEO Brad Garlinghouse, cracking open the front door of the building to throw slabs of bloody beef to the lions for their daily feeding. “And we'll go to any means necessary to encourage them to be safe during this national crisis.”
Body of Ripple CTO David Schwartz after he was detained by COVID-19-mitigating lions at Ripple headquarters. Schwartz made the uncouth decision to try to pick up a laptop from his office, thus putting himself in danger of catching and spreading the dangerous virus.
The bold strategy is the first in a series of measures to be taken by Ripple to ensure the safety of their workers, including a soon-to-come 50,000-volt electrified fence around their building.
“We're dead serious about the well-being of our staff,” said Garlinghouse, staring ominously into the eyes of XRP_Productions reporters. “Dead. Serious.”
Coil subscribers can see the funny inspiration behind this story below
TOKYO—In a devastatingly embarrassing event that nearly ended the powerful partnership between blockchain payments company Ripple and Japan's SBI Group, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse eschewed proper COVID-19 protocol and moved in to lay a big 'kiss hello' on SBI CEO Yoshitaka Kitao Sunday.
“Son of the bitch!” said Kitao, immediately recoiling and wiping down his hands and face with a sanitizing wipe quickly given to him by a nearby assistant. “Stupid, Bradley-san! Stupid!!”
The meeting, which was meant to be a small and highly-important affair in which a deep discussion was to be held concerning when to finally “flip the switch” with SBI, Ripplenet and the digital asset XRP, immediately halted as Kitao retired to his office to contemplate whether or not SBI should really move forward with Ripple after such a shocking event.
SBI CEO Yoshitaka Kitao instructing XRP_Productions reporters to “please, for love of Christ get out” while he silently pondered whether or not to end the partnership with Ripple after Sunday's 'kiss hello' incident.
Garlinghouse himself seemed a bit perturbed at Kitao's reaction, stating that it was “an honest mistake, for cryin' out loud.”
“He's considering ending the partnership?” said Garlinghouse. “Well maybe I'm considering ending it as well! I mean, first he shits on my Christmas gifts, now he freaks out over this nonsense? Unbelievable!”
Coil subscribers can see Kitao's tweet about the tragic 'kiss hello' event below
An eviction notice prominently taped to his door and his wife and children agonizing about how they will possibly make it through this catastrophic time, Leonard Mingus of Grand Rapids, Michigan performed extensive calculations about how much XRP he could nab were he to receive a rumored federal government stimulus check.
“Hmmm, well if XRP stays around 15 cents and if the Fed's check were at least a thousand bucks...” said Mingus, rubbing his chin as his 4-year-old daughter pulled at his pant leg and asked what was for dinner. “Not now, pumpkin... yeah, so that would bag me about sixty-five hundred zerps after exchange fees... sweet!”
Leonard Mingus' scribblings on a printout of the 'XRP Rich List'. Mingus hopes to reach the top 3% of accounts should his family receive their much-needed federal government stimulus checks.
Losing his job last week and already over his head with past-due rent, credit card and medical bills, Mingus described recent times as
“a real bummer, especially since I haven't been able to capitalize on these crazy-low XRP prices.”
“That's all gonna change here pretty soon,” said Mingus as his wife began opening the last of their value boxes of generic-brand mac and cheese. “Uncle Sam's about to send out the sweet sugar... zerps, here I come!!”
*Coil subscribers can read more of Leonard's stimulus investment plans below**...*
Immediately drawing fierce criticisms from thousands of pundits claiming his statements were blatantly racist, President Donald Trump repeatedly referred to cryptocurrency Bitcoin as “that Chinese coin” Thursday.
“I can't believe we haven't banned that damned Chinese coin yet,” said Trump in an early evening press conference. “Huge failure. Slow. Energy-sucking. Network gets as congested as rush hour in Shanghai.”
The President has asserted that he was simply “telling it how it is” and that he doesn't understand why people ascribe racist connotations to his comments, which included calling Bitcoin “MaoCoin” and saying that Bitcoin whales “pull more outrageous stunts than Jackie Chan.”
Trump standing up to reporters who asserted he was a racist for saying Bitcoin was Chinese and labeling it things such as “Egg-Drop-Coin” in Thursday's press conference.
“Why can't I speak the truth?” said Trump, refusing to back down. “The damn thing is dominated by China. What is it—sixty, seventy percent controlled there? Give me a break.”
Trump made it known that he prefers “fast, safe, and wholesome” digital assets that are not under communist control.
“I'll take XRP, thank you very much,” said the President.
*Coil subscribers can see the source of this parody below**...*
WASHINGTON—Speaking to the press on very short notice Wednesday afternoon, President Donald Trump and Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin unveiled their risky but “potentially huuuuge” long-shot investment plan to attempt to save the flailing United States economy by pumping $5 trillion into cryptocurrency firm Bitconnect.
“Hey, hey, heyyyyyyyyyyyy,” screamed Bitconnect spokesperson Carlos Matos, shoving aside the Secretary and President as he took over the lectern with vigor. “You want to save the U.S. economy? You want to all be rrrrrriiiiiiiich? Say hellooooooo to Bit-con-neeeeeeeeeeeect!!!”
President Trump and Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin handing Wednesday's press conference over to Bitconnect spokesperson Carlos Matos to explain the $5 trillion emergency investment plan into the crypto venture.
Matos excitedly revealed how the United States could realistically expect “five... ten... a THOUSAND TIMES your money back” by giving their money to the digital platform.
This is the second instance of a noticeable change in Secretary Mnuchin, formerly an opponent of digital assets, who recently was spotted opening a Coinbase account.
“I just figure 'what the hell,'” said Mnuchin. “We're all pretty much f**ked anyway... why not roll the dice?”
*Coil subscribers can see President Trump's exciting tweet about the Bitconnect investment plan below**...*
Explaining that he had been in a self-imposed isolation at a remote retreat for the last two weeks, Oscar-winning actor and Thirty Seconds to Mars frontman Jared Leto took to Instagram Tuesday to announce that he had no idea XRP had gotten down to 14 cents.
“Wow. 12 days ago I began a silent meditation in the desert,” said Leto, well known for his spiritual eccentricities. “Walked out yesterday into a very different world. One that's been changed forever. 14-cent XRP. Mind blowing—to say the least.”
Actor/Singer Jared Leto finally reaching cell phone range after spending 2 weeks in desert isolation and hearing the shocking world tragedy that XRP dropped to 14 cents.
The artist was also saddened to hear of the unfortunate developments around the COVID-19 virus, though his attention was primarily focused on the decline of his favorite digital asset.
“Yes, yes... the virus, the thousands of people infected... that's a real shame... but 14-cent XRP, my God! I just never would have ever imagined... I even heard it got as low as 11... I just... it's hitting me kinda hard... I need a moment...”
*Coil subscribers can see what the hell inspired this strange article below**...*
Corporate policy mandating he work from home during the national COVID-19 scare, Ripple's Senior Vice President of Product and Corporate Development Asheesh Birla admitted that his first day saw him accomplish “absolutely nothing... nothing at all... seriously.”
“I swear I was determined to be productive—I even woke up early,” said Birla, speaking to XRP_Productions reporters while feeding the last of his chickens in Farm Story on his iPad. “Just wanted to check Twitter real quick... two hours later I knew my day was f**ked.”
A grilled cheese sandwich that Ripple's Asheesh Birla cooked up at around 11:30 a.m. before binge-watching episodes of Riverdale on Netflix.
Birla blamed the COVID-19 virus, social media, and the multitude of entertaining and addictive streaming services for his lack of production.
“Do I feel a little guilty? Sure, I guess... but look at all these amazing shows! I mean, come on, I guarantee Brad and David are doing the same thing right now...”
*Coil subscribers can see the inspiration for this article below**...*
Answering the world's questions about what he could possibly be doing next after suddenly stepping down from the boards of both Microsoft and Berkshire Hathaway, billionaire software legend Bill Gates has embarked in an internship at blockchain payments company Ripple.
“I must admit, I've had my eye on Ripple for quite some time,” said Gates, forced to carry around a heavy stack of books for his first five hours as part of the Ripple intern initiation tradition. “I'm a lifelong learner and it's high time I learn more about revolutionizing global payments.”
Ripple intern Bill Gates sent out for coffee with his underwear on his head, a common intern initiation stunt at the blockchain payments company.
“Yeah, yeah... billionaire-this, super-genius-that,” said Ripple's head engineer Nik Bougalis. “At Ripple he's just Billy the intern. No special treatment. If he wants to learn about Ripplenet and XRP, he damn well better stay humble!”
“I don't mind so much,” said Gates, collecting dirty socks in CTO David Schwartz's office to begin his first assignment. “I'm getting a great opportunity here and I'm smart enough to realize that. One day I'll be able to say that I contributed to building the internet of value. That's a win in my book. What's that, sir? Fabric softener? Yes, Mr. Schwartz, I promise...“
*Coil subscribers can see who jumped at the opportunity to join Gates as a Ripple intern below**...*
Taking XRP holders' breath away with his hopeful yet cryptic post Sunday, self-proclaimed financial world insider @BabaCooCoo delivered an ultra-confident message that “ten million XRP will soon be life-changing.”
“I don't usually believe those sorts of posts,” said 2-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus, “but... what if he's right? I mean, maybe he really is an insider! It's possible, right?”
Mysterious tweet promising soon-to-come riches to XRP holders from self-proclaimed insider @BabaCooCoo.
Others in the XRP community aren't buying the prediction, saying it is yet another titillating but unfounded promise from a fraudulent account.
“Insider my ass,” said community member Patty B. “I've heard these promises a million times. Go f**k yourself, CooCoo.”
*Coil subscribers can see an earlier shocking BabaCooCoo prediction below**...*
Tom Hanks Endures COVID-19 Quarantine with Bearableguy Doll
