Strangely not introduced during a speech in which President Donald Trump declared a state of emergency within the United States and touted heads of major companies that would be enlisted to assist in this time of crisis, Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple was identified in the background among the event's attendees Friday.
“I asked my wife, 'Helen... why does that guy look familiar?'” said long-time XRP holder Dave Berman as he recounted seeing the bearded man in dark sunglasses and a black fedora standing behind Trump on his television screen. “She said, 'That's Brad Garlinghouse, you nit-wit.' I couldn't believe it!”
Closeup view of a man who appears to be Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse standing behind President Trump at yesterday's national emergency speech. Some have said his hat pin has a significant esoteric meaning.
During the speech, the president honored a number of leaders from large companies who would be integral in mitigating the effects of COVID-19 and bringing a semblance of stability to the country, giving them each the microphone for a brief moment. For reasons unknown, this courtesy was not extended to Garlinghouse, however some have speculated that Trump nearly 'slipped up' and announced him early in the speech.
“To aid us in our liquidity problems, a man who's company is doing a fantastic job, Brad Gar—,” said Trump, immediately grabbing his earpiece and appearing to listen to a message from an unknown source. “Um... anyway... next I'd like to introduce the CEO of WalMart who will be donating parking lot space for virus testing...”
Ripple has not responded to XRP_Productions' inquiries about why Garlinghouse was at the event and what was up with the weird hat pin.
*Coil subscribers can see which other Ripple employee was reportedly spotted at Trump's speech below**...*
Claiming that they are “tired of getting their nuts kicked in” by the sinking price of XRP, a bitter faction within the online XRP community has taken to the streets early Friday morning to demand Ripple implement an XRP stimulus package to ease their suffering.
“What do we want?” yelled 2-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus to a mob of dissatisfied community members lining the street in front of Ripple headquarters.
“FREE XRP!!!”
“When do we want it?”
“NOW!”
The mob reportedly demanded no less than 20 billion XRP be distributed among the group, each person getting an amount in millions of XRP equivalent to how many months they've been holding the asset.
San Francisco Police Department hauling away a rowdy protester in front of Ripple headquarters Friday morning after she repeatedly launched cookies from a slingshot at the window of Miguel Vias' office.
Ripple has not responded to XRP_Productions' request for comment on the matter, though the blockchain payments company has previously pointed out that they do not control the price of XRP and have reminded people that the entire crypto market has dropped in a similar fashion.
Protesters have shown to be unimpressed with such arguments.
“I trusted you, Brad!” said Mingus. “Why? WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!”
*Coil subscribers can see additional pictures of the Occupy Ripple event below**...*
What was considered a hopeless longshot less than a week ago in the crypto space has now blasted to the top of the 2020 earnings chart, as 'hodlers' around the world scramble to buy up every last availability of the red-hot ToiletPaperCoin.
“I am overjoyed,” said Vladimir Davydenko, the 19-year old Russian programmer who invented the blockchain and token meant to provide a safe and decentralized way to easily purchase bathroom tissue. “No one believed in my vision. Countless people tried to flush me out. But now I am rolling my way to the top.”
ToiletPaperCoin founder Vladimir Davydenko presenting his watercloset-inspired blockchain vision at a crypto conference in 2019. Recent world events have catapulted his coin to the top of the earnings chart.
Critics have been unimpressed with the gains, saying that after the world Coronavirus scare has ended, there will be no utility in the toilet-based blockchain space.
“I'm not worried,” said Davydenko. “Once people have made friction-free, anonymous, decentralized purchases of toilet paper without a central counterparty... there will be no going back.”
*Coil subscribers can see which crypto guru predicted the epic ToiletPaperCoin bull run below**...*
Snuggling up to a hot cup of cocoa in his favorite mug Tuesday night, President Donald Trump spoke with XRP_Productions in an exclusive interview and divulged his up-to-now private routine of wrapping up his day with XRP YouTube videos.
“These days are so stressful—you have no idea,” said Trump, fast forwarding past the opening sequence of a Digital Asset Investor video. “Why not ease that stress with my favorite thing? Some people watch sports, some people listen to music... I soak up XRP videos, what can I say?”
Trump sneaking in an early-morning XRP vid. While the President “rarely indulges during the daytime,” his staff reports he sometimes “needs his XRP fix.”
“Jungle's pretty good... that Cobb kid... ol' Bakkup,” said Trump when asked who his favorites are. “That one Egg Sam guy has some good deep dives... oh and I've developed a lot of Japanese foreign policies from listening to Eri's fluff.”
The President reported that he also enjoys surfing Twitter regularly for XRP news, though he grows tired of the FUD and fake stories that have a tendency to circulate.
Doing their part to shield the digital world from any potential Coronavirus harm, China today announced a plan to disinfect and quarantine all Bitcoins located within the country.
“Shit, better safe than sorry, right?” said Xi Jinping, General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, President of the People's Republic of China, and Chairman of the Central Military Commission. “This is a pretty f**ked up, weird disease so I wouldn't be surprised if it got into our Bitcoins. We're gonna go ahead and spray 'em down and lock 'em up, what the hell.”
China's Xi Jinping announcing plans to quarantine all Bitcoins within China because of the “crazy-ass, unpredictable virus that I think started when someone ate a live bat, but don't quote me on that.”
Xi did not specify how long China would be quarantining the Bitcoins, though his comments concerning another digital asset have some people thinking it might be a permanent sequester.
Presumably shaken by the recent steep downturn in the traditional markets, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin was spotted feverishly creating a Coinbase account to begin purchasing cryptocurrencies Monday.
“Yeah, so what? It's a free country,” said Mnuchin, who previously had been very critical of digital assets and blockchain tokens. “Besides, my stocks are in a free fall and with this Coronavirus shit—lemme just say, we ain't seen nothing yet.”
Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin responsibly putting his new Coinbase account's password on a sticky note on his monitor to avoid any future troubles logging in to the site.
The Secretary expressed hopes that the crypto market would soon be the recipient of “panic funds” as investors search for new asset classes to diversify their portfolios and cease the continued hemorrhaging. He himself has already transferred half his personal wealth, though he remains somewhat unclear about his cryptocurrency of choice.
“It ain't Bitcoin, I can tell you that—what do you think I am, an idiot? I'll give you a hint... it starts with an 'X' and ends with an R P.”
*Coil subscribers can see a private conversation between Steve Mnuchin and Christine Lagarde about Coinbase at Davos below**...*
A shrill sound of nails sliding down a chalkboard kicking off their initial meeting Sunday, the newly-formed Amity Island Crypto Club welcomed Sam Quint, a seasoned crypto trader, to assist them in their first foray into cryptocurrency investment.
“Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin',” said Quint, munching on crackers with a steely look in his eye. “I'll catch these coins for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad coins. Not like going down the broker chasin' stocks and bonds. These coins—swallow yer portfolio whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down it goes.”
Seasoned cryptocurrency investor Sam Quint drinking and sharing terrifying stories with friends about the early 2018 market crash.
Despite Quint's strong opinion that he perform the club's investment on his own, Amity Island officials ultimately decided to put police chief Martin Brody and conventional financial adviser Matt Hooper with the grizzled veteran.
“I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates,” said Quint, unhappy about the decision. “There's just too many captains in this market. $10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the tokens, the cold storage, the whole damn thing.”
*Coil subscribers can see what Quint decided to do to clear his mind after the 2018 market crash below**...*
Showing half a dozen instances of what he saw as irrefutable proof, Leonard Mingus of Cleveland, Ohio told XRP_Productions Saturday that he is “99 percent sure” that the hot crypto chick he follows on Twitter is desirous of his companionship.
“She doesn't come right out and say it, but I mean... I get the signals loud and clear,” said Mingus, a married, 38-year-old insurance adjuster who has been following the account @Crypto_GirlNextDoor intensely for almost two years. “I make comments on all her stuff and she 'likes' them pretty regularly. I got two 'likes' last week alone.”
Discount code that @Crypto_GirlNextDoor messaged to Leonard Mingus, one of several reasons why he feels she is hot for him.
“This one time she posted a picture of herself in a bikini giving a kiss to her poodle,” said Mingus, seeing a call from his wife on his smart phone and putting it on silent. “I tweeted, 'Damn, I've never wanted to be a poodle so bad in my life.' Then she responded with a kiss emoji. Yeah, she wants me. Zero doubt.”
*Coil subscribers can see @Crypto_GirlNextDoor's response about the Mingus allegations below**...*
In a historic meeting between an emerging world superpower and a rising Silicon Valley star, executives from blockchain payments company Ripple visited China Friday to meet with top government officials and central bank heavyweights.
“Smmphh aann mmph hnnnrr nnn thhrllmph,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse through a mandatory surgical mask to XRP_Productions reporters. “Aahmph phlwwn mpmph thh frmph.”
The meeting was quite possibly a great success for the San Francisco fintech firm, with a great deal of handshakes, gestures, and muffled sounds shared among all participants.
Ripple CTO David Schwartz quite disappointed that he was unable to sample the spicy Chinese chicken wings at the historic meeting with government and central bank officials.
“I'm pretty sure we've got a Ripplenet and an XRP 'On-Demand Liquidity' deal with all of the Chinese banks,” said Garlinghouse after returning to the U.S. “Ninety percent sure. Couldn't understand any words they said, to be honest, but they had very positive body language. 85-90 percent sure... I think.”
See XRP_Productions' comments about this article below...
Dropping a fist firmly on his desk and gritting his teeth during an interview with XRP_Productions Wednesday, Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan complained profusely about the as-of-yet-unannounced partnership between the mega-bank and blockchain payments company Ripple.
“Jeez, c'mon already,” said Moynihan, pulling on his hair and kicking a nearby wastebasket. “What the hell's taking so long?!”
The executive's frustrations are shared by many in the online community of XRP holders, the digital asset that Ripple is positioning as the standard in instant worldwide liquidity for the settlement of cross-border payments. Rumors have abounded for weeks concerning the potential release of a significant partnership between the two entities, inflamed by the already well known leak of a settlement system patent which utilizes Ripple technology.
Teary-eyed Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan telling XRP_Productions reporters that he's “this close to telling Brad [Garlinghouse]” that he's “not my friend anymore” if Ripple doesn't announce their partnership soon.
Informed by his staff that there was still a “non-disclosure agreement” in place with Ripple about the deal, Moynihan turned red and began biting his tie.
“Who the hell signed that?!” he said. “What the flying flip is with you people! I wanna start using my Ripplenet and XRP, damnit!!”
Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse's response to the Bank of America CEO below...
Brad Garlinghouse Spotted at Trump National Emergency Speech
