In what is perhaps the least surprising scandal in the history of the crypto world, Weiss Cryptocurrency Ratings admitted Saturday that the sole determinant in their published grades and assessments of various blockchain tokens has been a plastic novelty eight ball.
“Am I sorry? No, not really,” said Weiss Ratings' CEO Dr. Martin Weiss. “Crypto is pretty much all magic computer coins, right? I challenge ANYONE to come up with a better rating system for this weird shit!”
Weiss Cryptocurrency Ratings' initial research results on the digital asset XRP.
Despite the exposed truth of the unconventional rating methods, Weiss is reportedly moving forward with other means that are different but suspect.
“I saw them buying Boggle cubes today,” said suspicious XRP investor Andrew Arzoumanian. “You think they're gonna...? Nah, they couldn't... could they?”
*Coil subscribers can see the Weiss tweet that pissed us off and caused us to write this satirical story**...*
As we progress further into 2020, a year which many are already deeming “The Year of Digital Assets,” it is imperative to have easy-to-follow resources for family and friends who might be considering entering the space with their investment monies.
Imagine Grandma Ethel or Uncle Ward facing the intimidating task of journeying into the frightening land of blockchain for the first time. What's a token? What gives it its worth? How do I know it's safe? Who is this Satoshi guy, anyway? Yikes! Quite a challenge!
This is why XRP the Standard Productions has taken it upon ourselves to lay out the basics of cryptocurrency in a fun, educational, and gentle format.
We implore you to bookmark this article. Sit down with Aunt Bertha, Cousin Luther, and Grandpa Gene and show them that blockchain isn't scary. It isn't evil. It's an exciting part of a future that they will be glad they took part in.
Cheers, friends... we really hope this information helps... and happy crypto-investing!
What is blockchain?
Blockchain is a whole bunch of computers and algorithms and they're tied together somehow.
*What is Cryptocurrency?*
It's computer money and sometimes blockchain makes computer money and you can buy the computer money by patching into it and putting in the right codes but don't put in the wrong codes otherwise you could lose all of your computer money.
Is it Safe to Buy and Hold Cryptocurrency?
Yes. Some of the time. But don't buy the wrong stuff and don't fall for scams because they're everywhere and sometimes even really tech-minded people can't tell the difference.
What is Cryptocurrency Backed By?
Computers.
What's the Easiest Way to Purchase Cryptocurrency?
Go onto an exchange and give them all of your personal information and then give them a bunch of money but you'll probably have to pay a bunch of huge fees then you'll need to zap your cryptocurrency that you buy over to a cold wallet. That part is really complicated and you might lose all of your crypto but you're the one who wanted to take this risk so you can't complain.
Could I Really Become Rich Investing in Cryptocurrency?
Yes, but probably not when you really think about it.
Just Who Was That Satoshi Guy Who Invented Bitcoin?
We think 'he' was really a clandestine government organization that was making this computer money to eventually start a global financial reset that would somehow end up enslaving massive amounts of people but he also might have just been some nerd.
See? Crypto isn't the frightening, volatile monster that you once thought. Welcome aboard, everyone!
Coil subscribers can see the beginner's guide to XRP below
In what some are calling a stunt to gain traction in the uphill climb against their incumbent opposition Wednesday, top Democrats railed against President Donald Trump on the Nevada debate stage, blaming him for a stagnant price of the digital asset XRP over the last two years.
“This President has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has no clue how to increase the price of XRP,” said recently-surging candidate Michael Bloomberg in reference to Trump's now-public conversation with the FBI demanding they investigate the matter. “Let's face it, he's a clueless clown when it comes to crypto.”
Not wishing to be outdone, each candidate quickly began chiming in on the subject, some of them making bold promises about how an XRP value under their presidency would look.
“I know first-hand what it takes to raise the price of XRT,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren, immediately catching social media criticism for using the wrong name for the digital asset. “And within the first hundred days of my term, I am very confident XRT will shoot to the moon.”
Senator and Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders trying to one-up his competitors about XRP in the recent Democratic debate. Sanders promised to break up the top one-percent of theXRP richlistand distribute the world's XRP in a more egalitarian fashion.
The competition began to get a bit out of hand, with Mayor Pete Buttigieg attempting to gain crowd support by awkwardly chanting “589” into his microphone while Vice President Joe Biden used a marker to quickly draw a Brad Garlinghouse beard on his face.
*Coil subscribers can see Joe Biden's makeshift Garlinghouse beard below**...*
Appearing before a packed house in the Tesla Design Studio Wednesday night, Elon Musk, CEO of the red-hot electric auto manufacturing company, shocked the world by revealing the next-level in automobile and blockchain innovation, the “XRP Roadster.”
“We've known for quite some time that Tesla leads the world in revolutionary automobile technology,” said Musk, standing next to the stunning new sports car on stage while lighting up a large joint. “And now we're combining it with the world leader in blockchain technology... X R P.”
Tesla CEO Elon Musk lighting up a fat one while being interviewed about the newly-released 'XRP Roadster' after the grand unveiling Wednesday night.
The exciting new vehicle, which can go from 0-60 mph in an astounding 0.589 seconds and travel over 500 miles on a single charge, will also act as a traveling XRP Ledger Validator Node.
Critics of the digital asset XRP have angrily inquired of Musk why he chose XRP rather than another cryptocurrency such as Bitcoin or Ethereum.
“Are you shitting me?” Responded Musk. “Bitcoin?! That would have put my 0-60 at 3 hours and my capacity at about 1 mile per single charge. Get lost, morons.”
*Coil subscribers can see Elon Musk's tweet about the XRP Roadster below**...*
Seeing powerful advantages to an early introduction to blockchain technology and its potential impact in global fintech, executives from silicon valley company Ripple donated their time to local area kindergartens this week to give extensive presentations and take questions.
“One of our main focuses is to expand education and interest in the overall blockchain ecosystem,” said Marjan Delatinne, Global Head of Banking at Ripple, a company which has already invested millions in collegiate blockchain programs across the world. “But up to this point we've unfortunately been neglecting the little ones.”
The most recent presentation, to Ms. Turnington's class at Jefferson Elementary, emphasized the urgent need for U.S. regulatory clarity and its place in the broader global regulatory landscape and also covered the interesting developments in central bank digital currencies around the world.
Ripple Board of Directors member Ben Lawsky a bit upset that he missed out on the complimentary juice boxes passed out during Ripple's blockchain presentation to Ms. Turnington's Kindergarten class.
The event was reportedly a great success, with a vibrant question-and-answer session taking place at the end which included engaging inquiries from students such as, “Can I go to the potty,” and, “Ms. T, can I touch that man's beard?”
Ripple tells XRP_Productions they will be hosting three more kindergarten sessions in the Bay Area before traveling to Washington for a meeting with a dozen central bank officials and federal regulators.
*Coil subscribers can see the picture of Brad Garlinghouse drawn by a student in Ms. Turnington's class**...*
Taking a hard stance against what he sees as a nefarious and clandestine technology, Steve Mnuchin told the Senate Finance Committee Monday that the U.S. Treasury Department's Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN) will not move towards any significant crypto guidelines until they can access more information on Bitcom.
“We've been searching high and low on the internet for information about Bitcom,” said Mnuchin, “and do you know what we've found? Nothing! How can this king of cryptocurrency have no accessible information out there? Just what is it hiding?!”
U.S. House Financial Services Committee Chair Maxine Waters (D-Calif.), surprisingly the only person that was found saying anything about the cryptocurrency Bitcom after an extensive online search by Steve Mnuchin and the U.S. Treasury Department.
Mnuchin emphasized to the committee that the lack of searchable information exemplified the digital coin's inherent negative traits.
“Yet another reason to cancel this crazy crypto stuff and just keep using cash,” said Mnuchin. “Good ol' wholesome, all-American, pious, benevolent cash.”
*Coil subscribers can see Mnuchin's tweet on the only type of digital asset he supports below**...*
Appearing on CNN's First Move with Julia Chatterley Monday, Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple, introduced his “good friend” Javier Perez-Tasso, CEO of The Society for Worldwide Interbank Financial Telecommunication (SWIFT), and forced him apologize profusely to the world.
“Julia, I know this is unexpected,” said Garlinghouse, pulling on Perez-Tasso's ear and bringing him into view of the cameras, “but it's important. This is Javier and he has something to say to everyone. Right, Javi?”
Perez-Tasso proceeded to shift uncomfortably in his seat and turn red, then began mumbling an apology for “charging people too much” to send cross-border payments and “making them wait a little too long, I guess.”
Chatterley, herself having used the SWIFT system for years to send money to the United Kingdom, politely accepted the apology but commented, “I'm sorry sir, but it's perhaps too little and too fu**ing late.”
Julia Chatterley accepting SWIFT CEO Javier Perez-Tasso's apology politely, but remarking that she hopes Ripple “dines on the flesh of their lumbering dinosaur of a consortium.”
After the apologies, Mr. Garlinghouse nodded in approval to Mr. Perez-Tasso, patting him on the head and giving him an ice cream bar while he continued his interview.
“Off you go, Javi,” said Garlinghouse, “Brad needs to talk to the nice lady for a few minutes about the future of global payments.”
Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse's tweet about the interview below
In what many see as a harbinger of the long-awaited storm of institutional investors rolling into the cryptocurrency market, Bayville Mental Institution announced today they have begun the foray into making purchases of Bitcoin.
“It was my idea,” said long-time Bayville nurse Louise Ratched, who is responsible for running the clubs and programs at the storied wellness institution. “I thought it might keep them occupied and out of mischief. The best thing they can do is go on with their routine, and checking the price of Bitcoin is a good daily routine.”
The 'Bayville Bitcoin Club' was reportedly an immediate success, attracting a total of $225 of investments from resident members.
Bayville Bitcoin Club members cheering on a recent rally in Bitcoin price.
“Um, yeah... er... uh... this wasn't exactly what I had in mind,” said Galaxy Digital CEO Michael Novogratz, who has been suggesting for years that a herd of institutional investors are about to stampede into the crypto space. “But don't get me wrong, we're happy to receive any institution into the space. Welcome aboard, Bayville.”
Jamie Dimon, billionaire and CEO of JPMorgan Chase, has not responded to XRP_Productions inquiries about whether the Bayville news has influenced his institution to finally partake in cryptocurrency investment.
*Coil subscribers can see additional pictures from the Bayville Bitcoin Club below**...*
Knowing in his heart that the 40% gains in the last 30 days is truly the beginning of a swift journey to $1,000 XRP, Leonard Mingus of Tucson, Arizona began streamlining his list of luxury super-yachts that he is sure he will soon be purchasing.
“I really like this one,” said Mingus, a part-time substitute teacher who has invested a total of $530 into the asset since 2018, pointing at his laptop screen, “But this other one comes with a pretty sweet barbecue. Tough to decide.”
Image of the current front-runner in the luxury yacht list being compiled by Leonard Mingus, whose $530 XRP investment has gained over 40% in the past month.
Mingus is one of an approximate million global XRP holders, many of whom see great potential in the value appreciation of the digital asset, though the exact future price point and timeline varies depending on individual.
“Oh, I'm not worried. It's pretty much a done deal,” said Mingus, switching his Google search to private jets. “All the insiders know it's a lock. $2,500 XRP is right around the corner.”
*Coil subscribers can see some of the other items on Leonard Mingus' XRP moon list below**...*
In a misguided attempt to share his love for a digital asset with his wife of 17 years, Herb Mellon of Duluth, Minnesota bought his wife 100 XRP for Valentine's Day.
“What... what is this?” said his wife Karen as she opened her card to see her paper wallet with confusing numbers and a speckled QR code. “Herb, what the hell?!”
“It's crypto, babe! XRP!” Herb said as he moved in for an unsuccessful kiss. “Now, don't worry, this one is legit! It's decentralized, top of the line technology... fast, cheap to transact... the ecosystem's being built out by a company that was just valued at $10 billion! Honey? Honey, what's wrong?”
The paper wallet loaded with 100 XRP that Herb Mellon gifted to his wife of 17 years on Valentine's Day.
Karen, long-aware of the fact that her husband has been getting more and more obsessed with “that crypto stuff,” proceeded to cry whilst gathering up the kids and heading to her sister Rita's house.
“Hmpff, I don't get it!” said Herb, firing up his laptop to watch a @BakkupBradley live stream as his wife and kids pulled out of the driveway in the family station wagon. “Oh, well... she'll understand one day. Zero doubt.”
*Coil subscribers can see the other Valentine's gift that Herb wasn't able to give to his wife before her departure below**...*
Weiss Ratings Admits to Using Magic Eight Ball to Rate Cryptos
