Causing the million-strong global holders of the digital asset to utter in unison “what the bloody hell took so long,” XRP was given its own Jeopardy category on an airing of the popular quiz show Wednesday night.
“I still can't believe it,” said 62-year old XRP holder Michelle Faulk of Newberry, Massachusetts, who invested in the asset in 2018. “I love two things in life: Jeopardy and XRP. And here they are! Together!”
The questions, appearing in the 'Double Jeopardy' portion of the show, included “This Ripple CTO and XRP Ledger co-founder admitted to smoking crack on the Joe Rogan show,” and “10,000 of these farm animals were sacrificed by the XRP Community in hopes of increasing the asset's market price.”
Jeopardy host Alex Trebek staring down a contestant after they responded 'Who is John McAfee' to the clue “This Ripple CEO said they will be driving significant utility into XRP in the years to come.”
While thrilled about the appearance of their prized token on national television, some XRP community members have called out the researchers of the iconic trivia program for getting a good deal of their clues from the satirical crypto-news outlet XRP_Productions.
“It's satire, Jeopardy!” said XRP community twitter member @zerpenator. “S-a-t-i-r-e!!”
Coil subscribers can access an exclusive XRP Jeopardy meme to share below
Exemplifying what can sometimes happen within tangled bureaucratic organizations, the United States Securities and Exchange Commission revealed today that they had mistakenly mailed a “No Action” letter in 2019 to the Ripple Non-Dairy Milk Beverage Company.
The letter, which cleared the digital asset XRP of being considered a security in the eyes of the SEC, was meant to go to San Francisco-based blockchain payments company Ripple in what would have surely been earth-shattering news in the cryptocurrency space.
Neil Renninger, CEO of the Ripple Non-Dairy Milk Company, happily reading a letter from the SEC in 2019 which informed him they would not be pursuing his company for securities violations, even though he had “absolutely no clue” what they were talking about.
“These things happen sometimes, as I'm sure everyone can understand,” said SEC Chairman Jay Clayton. “I mean one company is called 'Ripple' and the other company has the very similar name 'Ripple.' It's kinda their fault, when you really look at it.”
The SEC has informed XRP_Productions that the previous letter is null and void under current law because of the address error. A new 'No Action' letter is being drafted and will be completed and approved after a quick 3-year, 12-stage committee approval and subsequent 6-month postal stamp placement procedure, pending Congressional cooperation.
*Coil subscribers can see Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse's response to SEC Chairman Jay Clayton below**...*
Defying the predictions of nearly every member of the Hollywood Press Sunday, controversial cryptocurrency actor Craig Wright triumphantly took the stage after being named 'Best Actor' at the 92nd Academy Awards Ceremony.
“It means a lot to me,” said Wright, who had experienced mixed reviews from the cryptocurrency world for his portrayal of Bitcoin creator Satoshi Nakamoto. “So many people didn't believe in me or my performance. But I can see now that... you like me! You really, really like me!”
Wright being ambushed by paparazzi while in full makeup during his 2019 portrayal of Bitcoin creator Satoshi Nakamoto, a role which earned the Australian performer a 'Best Actor' Oscar at last night's Academy Awards.
The Australian dandy thanked his agents and producers while accepting the coveted award and, surprising many in the audience, teased his next ambitious acting project.
“This time next year,” said Wright, winking at the audience, “You might see me holding another one of these after a brilliant portrayal as the creator of... the XRP Ledger!”
*Coil subscribers can see Wright's pompous tweet to his Best Actor competitors below**...*
Opening his windows to get some fresh air Saturday evening, long-time XRP investor Tommy Pulman of Eugene, Oregon was immediately triggered into a severe fit of depression when he eyed the bright and powerful full moon dominating the night sky.
“What the hell do you want?!” screamed Pulman, looking up at the moon and beginning to breathe heavily. “Go away! You don't care about me!”
Investing in the digital asset in early 2018 at the height of the great bull run, Pulman has spent the last two years hoping and praying for the proverbial “moon shot” for his holdings while steadily watching his portfolio lose more and more value as the months went by.
The “Moon Pie” display shelf at the local convenience store that XRP investor Tommy Pulman goes out of his way to avoid.
“It's hopeless!” screamed Pulman, flipping through channels on his television to take his mind away from the stress and screaming when he saw a replay of the movie Moonstruck. “GOOD GOD! Leave me alone!! AAAAGGGHHH!!”
XRP_Productions was informed that Mr. Pulman finally checked himself in to a mental wellness clinic Sunday after being assaulted by 'moon' triggers too many times in a 24-hour period.
*Coil subscribers can see the triggers that sent XRP investor Tommy Pulman over the edge below**...*
Beginning with a quiet lunch and transitioning to a fun-filled night out on the town, cryptocurrency entrepreneurs Justin Sun and Charlie Lee made the most of their time with legendary investor and billionaire Warren Buffett Friday, who agreed to meet the duo after Sun gave an astounding $4.57 million to a Buffett charity.
“Thrilled! We're just so thrilled to have this chance to talk crypto with Warren,” said Sun, founder of the cryptocurrency Tron, who invited Litecoin creator Charlie Lee to the shindig. “Lunch was about just getting to know each other of course, then we eased over to some of our favorite hangouts. Lemme tell you, by the time we got to the Jello-shots, it was like we were old friends.”
The two crypto veterans reportedly astounded Buffett with their crypto facts and information, including touting the ease of global, person-to-person value transfers and the wonders of crypto-anonymity.
Pile of cocaine that Sun and Lee, neither of whom consume drugs, purchased in order to show legendary investor Warren Buffett one of the amazing benefits of cryptocurrency transactions.
“Just fantastic,” said Buffett, who used the Bitcoin-loaded smartphone gifted to him by Sun to easily screen-swipe and pay for a private lap-dance. “Did I say before that Bitcoin was 'rat poison'? More like sweet manna from heaven! Wooohoooo!!”
Buffett told XRP_Productions reporters that he has “completely changed his tune” on cryptocurrency and plans to “sink every penny” of his astounding $86 billion fortune into the controversial market.
*Coil subscribers can see Buffett's tweet thanking Justin Sun and Charlie Lee below**...*
Confusing and deflating the digital asset and XRP investing world, San Francisco-based startup PolySign opened their highly anticipated business Thursday, revealing the completely unexpected news that they would be focused on selling ink pens.
Founded by Arthur Britto and David Schwartz, who were both also founders of the original XRP Ledger, PolySign was eagerly awaited by many in the cryptocurrency world and speculated to be a revolutionary service that solved the problems of digital asset custody for institutions and large investors, thus making it easier for potential tidal waves of money to safely enter the crypto space.
“I'm not sure where that rumor came from,” said Schwartz, speaking to XRP_Productions reporters in front of his display case of poly-carbonate ink pen models that PolySign is focused on selling. “PolySign has been and always will be about pens. The best damn pens money can buy, thank you very much.”
David Schwartz during a 2019 interview in which he expressed regret that he couldn't discuss the specifics about PolySign, but teased that the company's business plan was “already written in ink... wink, wink!”
Rather than be supportive of the fledgling company's efforts to sell their writing implements, global XRP holders are instead expressing extreme dismay.
“Here I am, on pins and needles for years, waiting for something that will help to bring in the BILLIONS OF DOLLARS of institutional money into crypto,” said long-time XRP holder Wayne Riggs of Grand Junction, Colorado, “and it turns out they're selling f**king PENS?!? F**k you, PolySign!”
PolySign representatives did not answer XRP_Productions' questions about the disappointment expressed by the crypto community, but did issue a form letter about their “smooth and comfortable” poly-carbonate pens that come in “an astounding array of six beautiful colors.”
*Coil subscribers can see the new website homepage for PolySign below**...*
Providing much-needed additional clarity for a significant and growing group within the investment world, the Internal Revenue Service announced today that any thoughts about purchasing cryptocurrencies in 2020 will be considered taxable up to 35%.
“It's the next logical step,” said IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, who was already criticized last year for introducing a new form to 2019 tax documents which asks prying questions about crypto purchases. “We must ratchet up our defenses to ensure the American people don't slither away from their responsibilities to give us our fair cut of both their real and imagined high-risk earnings.”
The Crypto-Thought-Bot-2000, a new device to be implemented during 2020 tax audits by the IRS. The device reportedly successfully captures a large range of brain waves with “only minor to moderate radiation exposure.”
Opponents to the new rules claim the IRS may be overstepping their bounds slightly by penalizing people for thought-purchases rather than just for real purchases and profit-taking. “I thought about purchasing $1,000 worth of XRP last night,” said long-time crypto investor and Florida native Dennis Tannehill, “and I'm now gonna owe up to $350 come next tax season? I'm not so sure this is fair.”
“Oh sure,” said Rettig, “There will be some detractors. There are always detractors. That's fine. But come next tax season, if you don't report your crypto-purchase-thoughts... God help you.”
Coil subscribers can see the IRS testing the physical extraction of crypto-thoughts below...
His bold hat cocked to the side and an extra-confident swagger in his delivery Tuesday evening, President Donald Trump dropped a bomb during his State of the Union speech, announcing his new top priority to “make XRP 3 dollars again.”
“Let's talk about XRP in the open finally,” said Trump, pulling a garish red hat from below his lectern and setting it atop his head as members of Congress began staring at each other and whispering. “Give me a break, guys—the cat's out of the damn bag, okay? It's time to quit pussy-footing around. XRP is our race horse and we're gonna ride it to victory for the good of the country.”
President Trump addressing a stunned yet inspired Congress in his red, “Make XRP $3 Again” hat during last night's State of the Union Address.
Over the next ten minutes, Trump's rant produced several shocking statements, including about how “XRP is gonna put America back in the driver's seat,” and “China can kiss my ass with their piece of s**t Bitcoin.”
“I don't control the markets, despite what some people might think,” said Trump, lighting up a cigarette and looking straight into the cameras. “But I tell you this now. We're gonna find a way to make XRP, the greatest digital asset ever created, 3 dollars by the end of this year, so help me God.”
Congress, legendary for their never-ending struggles in finding common ground, burst into applause as Trump left the podium and began high-fiving members on both sides of the aisle as he left the room.
*Coil subscribers can see top Democrats' surprisingly favorable tweets about President Trump's XRP message below**...*
Brandishing a razor-sharp wit and swiftly eviscerating the digital asset with his direct and savage facts Monday, a random dude on Twitter shocked the crypto world with his explosively damaging statement, “XRP is a scam.”
The mysterious account, @Crypto_Okay_Boomer, responded to a January 22nd tweet from Breanne Madigan, Head of Global Institutional Markets at blockchain payments company Ripple, dropping the devastating message followed by a cutting and painful 'lol'.
“I don't see Ripple recovering from this one,” said Laura Shin, host of the cryptocurrency podcast Unchained. “I mean, that guy just totally destroyed them in a single sentence. No one can deny XRP is a scam now. No one. God I hate Ripple so much.”
Ripple has thus far not publicly responded to the brutal accusation, but XRP_Productions has received anonymous reports that CEO Brad Garlinghouse has called an all-hands meeting to discuss damage control for the $10 billion company in this time of crisis.
*Coil subscribers can see an image of Ripple's emergency all-hands meeting below**...*
Love us or hate us, we make a lot of people laugh every day and have become a staple of the coil.com blogiverse.
But how many people, exactly, have we been able to reach? How many people have we brought to the site? How much XRP have we received through ILP as people read our funny articles? Have we been graced with a Coil 'Boost' payment yet?
You will be given the answers to these questions AND MORE at the bottom of the page... but... you must be a Coil Subscriber!
Before you go flipping us the bird and clicking away, take a few seconds and hear us out...
WHY THE FLYING FUNK SHOULD I PAY FIVE FUNKING DOLLARS TO SUBSCRIBE TO COIL?!?!
Good question, and thank you for the profanity restraint.
If you're visiting this site, you are very likely interested in one thing: XRP.
If you're interested in XRP, you are probably interested in the price of XRP going UP UP UP and the likelihood of XRP being ruled a security going DOWN DOWN DOWN. Indeed, if XRP is ruled to NOT be a security, there is a pretty good chance that the price of the XRP you hold will directly benefit in a sharp, moon-like way.
That's where Coil plays a part. A BIG PART, in our humble opinion. Coil is a completely separate entity apart from Ripple that is building out the XRP ecosystem. By paying a measly $5 a month to Coil, you are supporting a company that by definition is PROVING that XRP is not a security. You are also supporting writers and content creators like us who will continue to support XRP. So, in a very real sense, you are directly feeding your own future success as an XRP holder.
But let's not put it all in the 'support the ecosystem' basket... there are some damn good blogs on Coil that provide bonus content that is unlocked with your subscription. You also get access to all of the videos on Cinnamon.video and Coil has even more benefits planned for the future.
XRP Finally Gets Its Own Jeopardy Category
