xrp-productions

Calm down, folks. It's called s-a-t-i-r-e.

Taking a chance against his better judgment and failing in miserable fashion Tuesday, David Schwartz, CTO of blockchain payments company Ripple decided to try to use his blockchain-celebrity status to sway a police officer who had pulled him over for a traffic violation.

“Wow, it sure is crazy being the creator of the XRP Ledger. I just get autograph seekers no matter where I go,” chuckled Schwartz to the officer whose face remained stoic as he demanded Schwartz's license and registration. “Oh, yes... um... here you go officer. Yup, it's me alright. David Schwartz. Ol' JoelKatz, in the flesh.”

Ripple CTO David Schwartz's side mirror view as he practiced his failed “you probably recognize me” routine.

Unamused, the officer performed his database check then returned to Schwartz's vehicle as Schwartz tried to bring up his 143,000 Twitter followers on his smartphone in clear view of the officer.

“Wow, so many notifications,” said Schwartz, beads of sweat beginning to appear on his forehead as he saw the officer writing something on his ticket pad. “That's what happens when you're the Steph Curry of blockchain, haha.”

The subsequent ticket reportedly totaled $158.

*Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse trying to pull the same shit below**...*

... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.

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Making her opinion on the matter public for the first time Tuesday, European Central Bank President Christine Lagarde spoke with XRP_Productions about the recently divisive topic of coil.com web monetization and boost payment fairness to content creators.

“Son of a bitch, it really seems to be a hot topic right now in the XRP community, right?” said Lagarde, taking a few minutes away from a meeting with Illuminati representatives to address the matter. “And I see both sides of the argument, really.”

The arguments mentioned center around the fair distribution of Coil web monetization compensation. Those who web monetize their own external sites have recently made complaints that the amount of XRP streamed to them is quite small in comparison to Coil's 'boost payments' made to bloggers and content creators on Coil's own website. Others have posited that Coil is simply trying to build up content creators who bring people to their site, which is still in 'beta', and has no responsibility to pay people to build their own websites.

Lagarde recognizing that the streaming XRP amounts to content creators is “f**king minuscule at the moment” compared to boost payments to certain Coil bloggers.

“Oh, it's a royal pain in the balls to sort this out,” said Lagarde. “People like Leonidas are putting a huge amount of effort into their sites and only getting a few XRP. Then you have d**kheads like XRP_Productions posting silly shit every day and they're getting boosted. But, I guess I did read that they've brought over 120,000 readers to Coil, so...”

Lagarde concluded that she hoped the soon-to-come Grant for the Web will help solve the issue but that people “probably won't be worried about this stuff for too long since XRP is going to be $2,000 in a few months anyway. Did I just say that out loud? F**k.”

Coil subscribers can see Christine Lagarde's tweet about XRP_Productions' boost payments below

*... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.*

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Showing up unannounced to the set of CNN's First Move with Julia Chatterley Monday, Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple was visibly exhilarated to share his company's latest re-branding of their 'On Demand Liquidity' product known now as 'Instant Awesomesauce.'

“Wassup, Jules,” said Garlinghouse, unsuccessfully attempting to spin a Ripple basketball on his finger. “I know I wasn't scheduled, but I also know this is probably a hot story for you guys, amiright?”

Chatterley appeared a bit flustered as she held her earpiece and presumably listened to instructions from her producers, ultimately allowing Garlinghouse to carry on with his unexpected appearance.

“ODL is a thing of the past, Jules. We're stoked to tell banks to ditch the Nostro/Vostro snooze-fest and get ready for a trip to the righteous world of INSTANT AWESOMESAUCE,” continued Garlinghouse, making indiscernible hand gestures and motioning to his hot pink Awesomesauce visor. “XRP, baby! Word!”

Still image from Ripple's new “Instant Awesomesauce” promotional video that Brad Garlinghouse forced CNN to play during his unannounced recent visit to First Move with Julia Chatterley.

The campaign, presumably meant to stir up excitement around their innovative usage of the digital asset XRP to dramatically improve the speed, cost and ease of cross-border settlements, immediately received criticism from both Ripple fans and detractors alike.

“Instant Awesomesauce? What the f**k?” said long-time XRP holder Sam Dodson. “Don't they realize they're selling products to guys who make Warren Buffet look hip?”

*Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse's Instant Awesomesauce announcement tweet below**...*

*... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.*

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Taking the latest investment leap and praying for the outside chance they strike gold, Ripple's Xpring initiative announced today they have purchased the little-known online retailer 'Amazon.com.'

“We are jazzed about this acquisition,” said Ethan Beard, head of the Ripple arm that focuses on investing in projects that will utilize the digital asset XRP and the XRP Ledger. “And don't worry if you've never heard of Amazon. By the time we're done with them, they'll be a household name, I promise.”

In 2019, Amazon's revenue finished at a lackluster $125 billion, but showed promise in the eyes of Ripple and Xpring executives.

“We thought, wow, here's a little company barely able to make a market cap of a trillion dollars,” said Beard. “But there was something about them. They had heart.”

Revenue for obscure company 'Amazon.com,' which was recently purchased by Ripple's Xpring initiative. By incorporating the XRP Ledger, Xpring hopes to improve Amazon's paltry $32 billion quarterly total.

Beard hopes that by implementing the digital asset XRP and the 'On Demand Liquidity' offered on Ripplenet, they will be able to streamline Amazon's business and provide a life preserver for the struggling company.

“What?” said Amazon's CEO and founder, Jeff Bezos, a man who is presumably not used to the spotlight. “Xpring bought us? Hmmm.... Yup, I can see that...”

*Coil subscribers can see how Jeff Bezos has embraced Ripple after the announcement below* *...*

... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.

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Making a vow to improve their oft-criticized content, online cryptocurrency news outlet CoinDesk has announced their investment in a dozen arboreal apes to begin a rigorous training program with a goal to produce a new and better species of crypto journalist.

“We've heard your concerns,” said CoinDesk Editor Marc Hochstein, referring to the scores of articles that have been called out by readers for a lack of proper research and an unfair bent against certain digital assets not in their favor, “and we're totally revamping our organization. After a complete de-lousing and grooming, we will begin training our new breed of journalists immediately!”

New CoinDesk recruit “Petey” being issued his first company laptop. The chimpanzee will endure a rigorous two-week journalism class before being assigned to cover all stories surrounding the digital asset XRP.

Hochstein is excited to complete the training of the primates and to release their first assignments after the fortnight of training, despite criticisms that are already being levied against CoinDesk on social media.

“Calm down, people,” he said. “These recruits are potty trained and willing to work for bananas. Hell, that's already a marked improvement over our previous journalists, in my opinion.”

*Coil subscribers can see more pictures of the new CoinDesk journalist-trainees below**...*

... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.

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Satisfying the hunger of millions of fans who've been waiting more than a decade for the sequel to his legendary first paper, Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple debuted his next zeitgeist-altering work Thursday, The Jelly Manifesto.

“I wanted to show the world that I'm not a one-manifesto wonder,” said Garlinghouse in reference to his 2006 Peanut Butter Manifesto which called out his former employer Yahoo for spreading their resources too thin. “Brad's back. And he's about to turn the world on its head again.”

The Jelly Manifesto, one-part savage diatribe against the incumbent cross-border payment rails and two-parts inspirational masterpiece which oozes sweet prose about the magnificence of Ripplenet and the digital asset XRP, has already been hailed by The New York Times as “Scrumptious. We devoured every jammy word and even licked the jar.”

Pamela Paul, Editor of the New York Times Book Review, publicly lauding the latest “awe inspiring and life changing” work from Brad Garlinghouse.

Beginning in San Francisco and rolling out to 24 U.S. cities in the next 30 days, Garlinghouse has kicked off a Jelly Manifesto Tour which will include special events, interviews and manifesto-signings.

“This will be my legacy,” said Garlinghouse of his Jelly Manifesto. “We've been painstakingly simmering our technology for years, adding the pectin of our business relationships for stability and procuring the sweet sugars of expanding liquidity corridors to produce a product that will spread across the entire world.”

*Coil subscribers can see Brad Garlinghouse's first manifesto-signing event below**...*

*... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.*

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Handing over a giant novelty check worth 50 billion dollars, Changpeng Zhao (CZ), CEO of cryptocurrency exchange Binance purchased the small nation of Malta outright Thursday in a bold move to finally create a country that had full-fledged and meaningful crypto regulations.

“If at first you don't succeed,” said CZ, referring to Binance's recent struggle to receive a Maltese license, “buy the country and try again.”

From left: CZ, Michael Arrington and an unknown “special guest” at CZ's 'Malta City-Renaming' event Thursday after the crypto exchange CEO purchased the nation to initiate meaningful crypto regulations.

The impressive strategic purchase has inspired other large players in the digital asset world to consider big moves of their own.

“We're trying to put some funds together as we speak,” said Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple. “If all goes well, we'll be submitting an offer to buy the United States of America by spring.”

*Coil subscribers can see CZ's tweet about the Malta purchase below**...*

*... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.*

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Feeling ever-increasing hunger pangs and getting more and more annoyed as each second ticked by in the five-plus hour meeting with Bank of America and HSBC executives, David Schwartz, CTO of blockchain payments company Ripple decided to take matters into his own hands Tuesday and firmly yanked down on a nearby fire alarm to put an end to the insufferable tedium.

“Five hours? Really?!” said Schwartz, tearing into a slice of medium rare Ribeye while shaking his head about the agony of meeting with central bankers for such an extended period of time. “I know, I know, everyone wants to talk to Ripple. But for f**k's sake, a guy gets hungry, am I right?”

The sliced medium-rare Ribeye that Ripple CTO David Schwartz was willing to maliciously pull a fire alarm to eat after a meeting with central bankers eclipsed five hours.

Later becoming aware of the stunt, the central bankers reportedly threatened to halt their pending partnership with the Silicon Valley company as CEO Brad Garlinghouse called each executive to profusely apologize.

“Yeah, right,” said Schwartz to XRP_Productions reporters as he took his last bite of steak. “They'll be back. If there's one thing I'm sure of... it's that they'll be back.”

*Coil subscribers can see the inspiration behind this story below**...*

... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.

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100 satirical articles written and today Ripple's former Global Head of Infrastructure and Innovation, Dilip Rao, is pleased to reveal the list of XRP_Productions' top ten most successful works to date.

“I'm happy to reveal this exciting list,” said Rao, willing to speak to XRP_Productions staff after he'd seen that his ridiculously large payment had cleared. “Get ready to heat up those laugh-jets!”

So, which articles made the cut?

Is the one about the chickens in there? How about the one where David Schwartz goes on Joe Rogan and forgets to talk about XRP? The one where XRP holders go into deep freeze to wait out the bear market?

The JUDGE JUDY one? DID THE JUDGE JUDY ONE MAKE THE LIST?!?!

Here are the metrics used to rank the top ten articles:

A combination of the top link clicks from Twitter, top Twitter 'Likes', and top Twitter overall impressions.

Why not use Coil up-votes? Well, as much as I looooove Coil, it's still so early and there are a relatively small amount of subscribers, so it might not be a good metric to use to measure people's overall enjoyment of and interest in our articles.

So, without further ado... Dilip, will you please open the envelopes?

*NUMBER 10*

Congress Approves FaceBook's Libra After Odd Closed-Door Meeting with Mark Zuckerberg

Strange tones emanate from smartphones of Congresspeople as they robotically start heading to a meeting room in Capitol Hill. Zuck materializes and floats in to join them, the doors closing behind him automatically...

Article Link Clicks: 4,211 (6th place)

Twitter Impressions: 42,760 (13th place)

Twitter Likes: 303 (16th place)

Averaged Rating Score: 11.7

*NUMBER 9*

Lagarde Gives Strange Coded Message: “The World Will un-Ray on ipple-Ray”

Lagarde gives several curious statements at a banking conference in a language that even Harvard professors can't decipher...

Article Link Clicks: 4,992 (5th place)

Twitter Impressions: 42,257 (14th place)

Twitter Likes: 316 (15th place)

Averaged Rating Score: 11.3

NUMBER 8

Trump Accidentally Drunk-Tweets Secret Ripple XRP Plan

A sauced-up Trump thinks he's sending private messages to Christine Lagarde, but is actually tweeting to the world. The White House responds that they have no official stance on crypto assets...

Article Link Clicks: 5,872 (3rd place)

Twitter Impressions: 36,962 (20th place)

Twitter Likes: 373 (9th place)

Averaged Rating Score: 10.7

*NUMBER 7*

Congress Unveils Bold 50-Year Fast-Track to Crypto Regulation

Congress is finally stepping up their game in crypto regulations. A short five or six decades from now, it's moon time...

Article Link Clicks: 3,457 (12th place)

Twitter Impressions: 52,311 (7th place)

Twitter Likes: 372 (10th place)

Averaged Rating Score: 9.7

*NUMBER 6*

Man Sues Ripple for Not Yet Making Him a Billionaire

Mr. Schneedle has suffered for several months after investing a bit of dough in XRP and not yet being a billionaire. Laura Shin comes to his defense..

Article Link Clicks: 3,970 (7th place)

Twitter Impressions: 48,392 (12th place)

Twitter Likes: 425 (5th place)

Averaged Rating Score: 8.0

*NUMBER 5*

SEC's Jay Clayton Excited to Start His Own XRP YouTube Channel

Ever since meeting Brad Garlinghouse and David Schwartz in the previous year, Jay hasn't been able to stop thinking about starting his very own XRP YouTube channel. He's so excited that he screams into a nearby pillow...

Article Link Clicks: 2,552 (17th place)

Twitter Impressions: 60,823 (4th place)

Twitter Likes: 497 (3rd place)

Averaged Rating Score: 7.9

*NUMBER 4*

[**SWIFT CEO Touts Study: “People Love Waiting for Money”

**](https://coil.com/p/XRP_Productions/SWIFT-CEO-Touts-Study-People-Love-Waiting-for-Money-/mepRFHNFO)

Javier Perez-Tasso cites a study that SWIFT commissioned from the “Very Scientific Studies Organization” claiming people love waiting for money. The study also claims people are excited by the thrill of payment errors and lost transactions...

Article Link Clicks: 3,608 (10th place)

Twitter Impressions: 55,189 (5th place)

Twitter Likes: 409 (6th place)

Averaged Rating Score: 7.0

Sorry guys and gals, but the remainingare for .

You hold XRP and you're not paying a measly five bucks a month to support the ecosystem?

Whaaaaaa? How do you look at yourself in the mirror?!?!?!?!

Read more...

Frustrated by the lunacy of the crypto world and the extended bear market, XRP the Standard Productions decided to post an article on Coil in mid-November 2019:

It was meant to give people a chuckle. It was meant to be satire that was so obvious that no one would be able to do anything but laugh and say, “Wow, that's silly, but I get your frustrations at the slow-moving U.S. crypto regulations. Thanks for the laugh! Now off you go, funny man.”

But something strange happened. It exploded on Twitter. Well, explosions are relative, but it definitely popped resoundingly:

A lot of people immediately 'got' the satire and laughed heartily out loud. Some people said they thought it was real until they read it. A few others ranted against the U.S. government, not understanding the satire or even reading the article. “Remarkable,” I thought.

So why not write another and see how it goes? Maybe this time having fun with the idea of David Schwartz being a robot that goes 'Down for Maintenance'?

Twitter exploded again, at least by my standards. Not only that, but David Schwartz himself responded:

What was going on here? Was I on to something, or were people just giving these things attention because they were misunderstanding the stories and were 'outraged'? Maybe a little of both?

While David Schwartz himself might not have read the article and might have been simply responding to what he thought was a false piece that was saying he was taking an extended rest after SWELL (I'm truly not sure on this one), there was a significant and mixed response from others—some expressing uproarious hilarity and others becoming upset at me and proving that they didn't truly read any part of the article.

For a moment I considered stopping. I didn't.

The love of laughter and satire combined with the general impression that this was going to be pretty fun and was ripe with further possibilities kept me going.

Besides, the satire was clear and I damn sure wasn't going to stop just because a few people said, “But some people might think it's real!”

Really?! A man sues Ripple because they didn't make him a billionaire? Do I REALLY need to give a disclaimer on this type of stuff?!?!? The Onion doesn't. The Babylon Bee doesn't. XRP the Standard Productions won't.

Besides, support from certain other XRP community members helped me see that A LOT of people 'got it'. Not only that, but it made them happy and gave them some release from all this crypto-craziness.

Soon I was publishing an article a day and trying to accomplish two things:

1) Poking fun at things and people that frustrated me in the crypto space while making a valid underlying point

2) Creating crazy scenarios that had no underlying message but were meant to give people a strong belly-laugh

Tone Vays debated a monkey about XRP and lost

Brad Garlinghouse accidentally gave 60 billion XRP to a Twitter scammer

Trump drunk-tweeted a secret Ripple/XRP plan to Christine Lagarde

Charlie Lee appeared on Shark Tank to pitch his Litecoin T-Shirts

Bearableguy riddles ended up leading to a “Drink More Ovaltine” message

And more

As published in our recent review of 'How We're Doin' on Coil, we've brought *over 100,000 people* AND COUNTING to this platform through our Twitter links alone. That doesn't even count other people sharing our stuff (it happens quite a lot) or people who find the content via other media sites or web searches.

Bottom line? It's been a fun ride. And by the way, the creative well isn't dry...

The hilarity will continue, and it's an absolute thrill to release the material on this amazing new site which is pioneering the world-changing web monetization tech that incorporates XRP.

I hope you will be subscribing to Coil if you haven’t already. If you’re an XRP holder, I think it almost should be considered mandatory. You would be directly contributing to its future (and the value of the very asset you are holding).

Peruse our stuff for hearty laughs.

Check out all the other amazing, insightful, and entertaining blogs that people are sharing.

Take part in the community and XRP ecosystem.

To thank everyone who has supported XRP_Productions' endeavor, I’m giving away three of the latest made by

Visit *THIS TWEET* and respond to it with a link to your favorite XRP_Productions article and you're automatically entered to win.

Please see the pictures below for information about these amazing posters, and THANK YOU again to everyone who reads my stuff and “GETS IT.”

*The XRP Community Poster represents a reminder of a wonderful time in XRP history and shows the early XRP adopters. Having all of your XRP friends on the wall is a great conversation starter and a fun reminder of all the people you are sharing this journey with.
*

*An ideal poster for your home or office wall:
*

*- 1000+ members from the XRP community around the world
*

*- 4 member sections: Twitter, YouTube, XRPchat and blogs
*

*- Find every member by his/her profile image or name (A – Z; left to right)
*

- A perfect memory on your XRP family & friends

*ABOUT THE POSTER:
*

*- 1000+ XRP community members
*

*- 4 member sections: Twitter, YouTube, Coil and XRPchat
*

*- high-quality photo glossy paper
*

*- large poster format: 82 x 121cm | 33.1 x 46.8 in (A0 paper size)
*

- three color “x” options (grey, blue and orange)