Watchers of the financial world became both intrigued and flummoxed Saturday as European Central Bank (ECB) Chairman Christine Lagarde dropped strange and complex coded messages in a speech to fellow world bankers at a Parisian conference.

Beginning with an address concerning her ongoing discussions with the ECB governing council about whether to raise or lower interest rates and transitioning to a talk about her recent differences-of-opinion with United States Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, Lagarde ended by polishing her golden owl pin and speaking partially in a strange, unknown language.

“To my fellow world bankers,” said Lagarde, “it is almost time for the obal-glay eset-ray. The world will soon un-ray on ipple-Ray.”

Lagarde speaking in Paris Sunday to global bankers using a very curious and unknown language, strangely stating that she is “ready to embrace the eatest-gray igital-day urrency-cay the world has ever own-knay.”

“I really can't figure it out,” said Hubert Nichols, Harvard Dean of Language Studies. “It's definitely some sort of deeply esoteric and perhaps ancient dialect. There's some deep and heavy secret stuff going on here, but good luck cracking it. Most of us will probably never know what it means.”

Reportedly, Lagarde ended the speech when her smartphone began vibrating on the table in front of her, with eye-witnesses later recounting that the phone displayed the strange name “ad-Bray” as the call was being received.

XRP_Productions reporters' attempts to ask Lagarde about the meaning behind the language were unsuccessful.

*Coil subscribers can see Lagarde's strange corresponding tweet below**...*

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Capitalizing on what they feel is a “solid gold idea,” financial services company Western Union (WU) announced a new advertising campaign Thursday, “FEES ARE FUN-TASTIC!”

“Despite what some people might think,” said WU CEO Hikmet Ersek about the new strategy, “People prefer to have a hefty chunk of cheese taken out of the money they send. So, why not celebrate the big chunks of cheddar that we take?”

The campaign, rolling out across the globe over the next few weeks, shows how much fee-paying fun WU customers can have when they send money around the globe and also introduces a lovable cartoon mascot, the spunky, cash-loving kitten Feegaro.

Image of Western Union's new mascot 'Feegaro' happily snatching up his chunk of a Western Union money transfer.

Critics argue that Western Union is scoffing in the face of imminent loss of market share as competitors ramp up services that offer improvements in speed, cost, and convenience of sending money.

“We actually think people like low fees when they send money,” said Brad Garlinghouse, CEO of blockchain payments company Ripple who has teamed up with MoneyGram to begin utilizing the digital asset XRP to improve all aspects of sending payments globally. “But hey, that cat is kinda cute.”

*Coil subscribers can see Western Union CEO Hikmet Ersek's tweet about little Feegaro below**...*

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Putting on their ties and pressed-whites, the million-strong online community of XRP holders has decided to take matters into their own hands and begin a structured and diligent regimen of daily door-to-door proselytizing to spread the word of their beloved digital asset.

“It's our calling,” said Roger Ashton, President of the West Texas Ward of XRP Holders. “Most won't understand it. Most won't be happy to see our smiling faces at their front doorstep to spread the XRP gospel. We understand that. But it is indeed our calling.”

Two passionate XRP 'Elders' as they travel a suburban neighborhood to share their love and devotion for the digital asset XRP with surrounding families.

In short order, the community has established an impressive missionary program, encouraging members to enlist their 18-year-old sons and daughters to be sent to dozens of countries worldwide in order to inform communities about XRP while also performing works of kindness and charity.

Critics claim that this is further proof the XRP Community is inching closer to cult status and that the proselytizing is not healthy for the future of the digital asset.

“Cult? Nonsense,” said XRP Community Profit David Schwartz. “We're talking about a group of people whose hearts are filled with a strong love, devotion and faith regarding XRP. Nothing more, nothing less.”

*Coil subscribers can see amazing images of “Consensus Lake City,” the community built by the XRP faithful, below**...*

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Achieving his species' quest to moderately improve an inferior planet's first attempt at blockchain technology, Snodleb Greeflak, better-known on earth as Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin, departed on a spherical spacecraft Thursday to begin the journey back to his home planet of Sarnak-64723.

“My time here was quite pleasant, and I thank you,” said Buterin, his glowing hand touching an XRP_Productions reporter on the top of his head. “Your maiden attempt at blockchain technology was adorable, and it tickled me to show you one little way to improve it.”

The Sarnakian stated that when he discovered the developments of the XRP Ledger and the early-stage development of Codius, he knew that humans were heading in the right direction and that it was time for him to return home.

2018 photo of Vitalik Buterin (Snodleb Greeflak), amused as he walks a common earthly street.

“You're traveling the proper road now,” said Greeflak as he shuffled up the ramp of his spacecraft. “XRP is similar to my home planet's Sarnak-Coin. You might not realize it, but that's a high compliment.”

Recent rumors of XRP creators Jed McCaleb, Arthur Britto, and David Schwartz also hailing from Sarnak-64723 have been unconfirmed by XRP_Productions.

*Coil subscribers can see Snodleb Greeflak saying goodbye from the entrance of his spacecraft at the bottom of this page**...*

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Warning: The following is NOT satire... weird, right?

Completely thwarting their plans to publish yet another masterful comedic article, famous character-actor Donald Gibb misunderstood a request from XRP_Productions and recorded the wrong video message to Ripple CTO David Schwartz.

XRP_Productions' prolific satirical writing team had requested of Gibb, who starred as 'Ogre' in the famous Revenge of the Nerds movies, to jokingly apologize to Schwartz for his terrorizing of Schwartz in college. This was meant to comically imply that David Schwartz was indeed one of the bevy of lovable nerds from the cult-classic movie. In addition, Gibb was also instructed to say that the XRP Community was forcing him to do the apology.

Much to the chagrin of XRP_Productions writers, Gibb instead apologized to Schwartz “for the XRP Community terrorizing” him in college. Although funny in its own right, this made absolutely no sense when considering the comedic news outlet's original intent for their article.

Actor Donald Gibb ('Ogre' from Revenge of the Nerds) recording a message to Ripple CTO David Schwartz that destroyed XRP_Productions' original plans for their funny little article.

Making lemons out of lemonade, XRP_Productions decided instead to write a story about the epic failure and to take advantage of Coil's unique blogging site to show the video exclusively to Coil subscribers.

XRP_Productions has issued an official message to actor Donald Gibb that states they still love him, especially in his role as 'Jackson' in Bloodsport.

*Coil subscribers can see actor Donald Gibbs' real video message to Ripple CTO David Schwartz at the bottom of the page**...*

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His phone's battery dying unexpectedly Tuesday, Chuck Mulkins of San Francisco, California had nothing short of a miraculous experience when he once again realized there was a complex and beautiful world in existence outside of the Twitter Cryptosphere.

“It's... it's gloooorius,” hissed the 36-year-old Mulkins as he slowly twisted his head and surveyed his surroundings for the first time since 2017. “I never would have dreamed...”

Investing in a number of cryptocurrencies about two and a half years ago, the digital asset XRP being his largest stake, Mulkins began researching news and information on Twitter, which according to his friends and family soon became something of an obsession and caused him to “quickly devolve into a paranoid, white, hideously-fanged creature.”

Mulkins caught on camera by a relative in May of 2018, 7 months after becoming involved in the XRP and crypto Twitterverse. The effects on his physical and mental state were noticeable even at that early stage.

Since his recent revelation, Mulkins has begun to make the slow transition back into the civilized world, revisiting his once-loved games of 'Frisbee Golf' and attempting to reintroduce solid foods into his diet.

Though having since fully recharged his phone, he has informed XRP_Productions that he would like to limit his time spent on Crypto-Twitter in the future and is even considering deleting his account, @XRPBradPitt.

*Coil subscribers can see a picture of Mulkins partying down with friends after returning to the real world below**...*

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In a shocking event that tested both the mettle of a seasoned blockchain technology and the trust of its token holders, the XRP Ledger experienced an unforeseen attack by the young upstart Coronavirus Monday.

The virus, originating in China and quickly inspiring nervous concern around the world, reportedly attacked the XRP Ledger as a natural defense against its compatriot Bitcoin, which is also almost completely Chinese-controlled. XRP and the XRP Ledger is seen by many as superior blockchain tech that some say renders Bitcoin irrelevant.

“Was this attack specifically expected? No,” said David Schwartz, CTO of blockchain payments company Ripple and one of the creators of the XRP Ledger, “But from the ledger's inception, we always knew that a bio-attack was an eventual possibility.”

David Schwartz giving a presentation at 'Deconomy 2018' about the XRP Ledger's inherent protections against bio-viruses.

Much to the relief of the online 'XRP Community,' the decentralized ledger's impressive multi-virus protection proved too strong for Coronavirus, whose full-fledged assault never interrupted a single ledger-closure.

“Good governance, a fast, efficient algorithm, censorship resistance, secure cryptography,” said Schwartz. “These are all proven features of the XRP Ledger. Now you can add Coronavirus protection to the list.”

*Coil subscribers can see David Schwartz's Quora response to a question about the Coronavirus attack**...*

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In an effort to get to the truth about what the 'Average Joes' and 'Plain Janes' think about the possibility of blockchain payments company Ripple entering into an initial public offering and what it might ultimately mean for the digital asset XRP, XRP_Productions reporters took to the streets Thursday to ask the probing questions directly.

Twelve hours of pedestrian-badgering later, we were able to compile the juiciest and most thought-provoking results:

Manny Jalens, Bartender

XRP_Productions: What do you think of the possibility of a Ripple IPO?

Jalens: What do I think of a who in the what?

XRP_Productions: What do you think a Ripple initial public offering would do to the price of XRP?

Jalens: You talkin' to the wrong guy, man. That shit ain't even English to me.

Sally Tinnin, Unemployed Actress

XRP_Productions: What do you think of the possibility of a Ripple IPO?

Tinnin: [Giggles] Ummmm.... what? [Giggles again]

XRP_Productions: What do you think a Ripple initial public offering would do to the price of XRP?

Tinnin: [Giggles] [Giggles more] [Walks away]

Aaron Liu, Full-Time Student

XRP_Productions: What do you think of the possibility of a Ripple IPO?

Liu: What'd you say—Ripple IBO? That's like some kind of wine, right?

XRP_Productions: What do you think a Ripple initial public offering would do to the price of XRP?

Liu: Are you talking about like if they offer the wine to the public? Well, that would be a good thing, I guess...

Emily Wood, Caretaker

XRP_Productions: What do you think of the possibility of a Ripple IPO?

Wood: Get your microphone out of my face, creep.

XRP_Productions: What do you think a Ripple initial public offering would do to the price of XRP?

Wood: [Knees the reporter in the genitals] [Walks away]

The interview participants exemplify the feverish speculation and anticipation among the great unwashed as they wait on pins and needles to see what happens to Ripple on the glorious road to public offering.

Despite what happens, XRP_Productions will be covering the developments every step of the way to bring the world the coverage it craves.

*Coil subscribers can see the final on-the-street interview with random pedestrian 'Arthur Britto' at the bottom of the page**...*

**[... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.

](https://coil.com/u/XRP_Productions)**

Biting his lower lip and turning red with rage, Peter Schiff declared ice cream to be “intrinsically worthless” after accidentally dropping his cone on the ground Friday.

“I knew ice cream was bad,” said Schiff, shaking his head and stomping around in a circle. “I just had no idea HOW bad until this very moment.”

It was the second example of Schiff making a public denouncement in recent weeks, with the gold-loving economist decrying the cryptocurrency Bitcoin after mistaking his wallet PIN for his password.

Schiff explaining the inherent problems with ice cream to XRP_Productions reporters.

Schiff's detractors claim the ice-cream problems he has experienced are largely his own fault and do not take away from the overall positive aspects of the frozen treat.

“Yeah, right,” responded Schiff, “A lot of people are making fun of me for mishandling my cone. I made a mistake and it cost me my ice cream. But confusing ice cream for a real dessert is a much larger mistake and those who are making it will lose far more than I did!”

*Coil subscribers can see Schiff's angry Tweet to Ben & Jerry at the bottom of the page**...*

.*.. and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.*