Perhaps you've gotten pissed off or wondered who the hell would write such utter nonsense.
Hopefully you soon realized that XRP_Productions writes satire (sometimes making a strong point, sometimes just silly fun) similar to the sites theonion.com or babylonbee.com but geared toward the cryptocurrency and XRP crowd.
Some love us, some ignore us, some HATE us. You know what? That's A-okay. Truly.
Just know this: We are here to satirize and poke fun at the world of crypto, a unique and insane world in many ways, and to hopefully give hodlers a hearty daily laugh while they trudge through the doldrums.
That's it—no mystery.
An exciting benefit? We get to take part in the crypto ecosystem by posting on Coil. It is truly exciting to take part in the early stages of web monetization, and we are STRONG supporters of Coil, XRP, and the future possibilities of micropayments.
*BUT HOW THE HELL IS XRP PRODUCTIONS DOIN' SO FAR?*
Okay, the pants are down and we've assumed the position. Would you like to inspect us? Please be gentle.
We started posting our satire in mid-November and have published one funny article almost every day without fail. Not an easy task, since this is just a hobby.
Let's talk turkey first. Here's a look at how the XRP has 'micro-paymented' into our ILP payment pointer since November 14, 2019:
Impressively completing the unenviable task of compiling a comprehensive list of the 20 brightest stars in the blockchain world, cryptocurrency news outlet The Block released their list of “Crypto's Most Influential” Sunday, with founder and CEO Mike Dudas landing the top spot.
“We spent weeks considering this list from all angles,” said The Block's Director of Research and Analysis Larry Cermak, himself landing at number 4 on the list. “We wanted to make sure we got it right. We take our crypto lists as seriously as we take our crypto journalism.”
The list was quite the boon for the news outlet, as every one of the twenty spots went to a member within their very organization, the last to make the cut being Joe Rotterdale, The Block's head janitor.
Boldly taking his stunning prognostications to social media Friday, cryptocurrency technical analyst and Twitter user @Crypto_Milken proved beyond a doubt that the digital asset XRP will soon reach the staggering height of $1,000 by drawing utterly ridiculous and meaningless lines on a multi-colored chart.
“Guaranteed,” said Milken, referring to his indisputable prediction which was made manifest through an impressive set of arbitrarily-drawn lines of nonsense, “and I feel sorry for anyone who can't see it. $1,000 by 2022! Zero doubt!”
The irrefutable future price-call delighted many of Milken's 237 followers, drawing awe-filled compliments on his ability to pull such a thrilling truth out of inane scratchings of bullshit. “Your [sic] the man, Milk!” said one follower, @XRP_Moon_Man. “God, I wish I knew how to read TA as good as u.”
Milken's infallible prediction born of the ludicrous garbage-scribbles is all the more impressive when considering that none of his hundreds of previous calls came even remotely close to being accurate.
Proudly basking in its ethereal yellow glow, popular economist and cryptocurrency foe Peter Schiff presented reporters with his latest homage to his favorite precious metal Friday, a 10-foot-tall golden calf.
“See this, everyone?!” said Schiff, giggling uncontrollably while polishing the statue with a soft cloth, an electric wonder filling his eyes. “You can't do this with Crypto! THIS is true value... THIS is true... POWER! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
The statue was perhaps the boldest statement Schiff has made concerning gold recently, a commodity that he regularly touts as the most fundamentally sound investment available. To boot, Schiff has been highly critical of digital currencies such as Bitcoin, claiming that they do not match the real, inherent value of gold.
“It's a bunch of numbers in computers,” said Schiff about cryptocurrencies as he mounted the calf's back, laying on his belly and caressing the calf's sides with his arms and legs. “You can't touch it. You can't feeeeeel it.”
Asked what he thought of XRP, a digital asset presently being used at scale to minimize the cost and time of cross-border payment transactions, Schiff became belligerent.
“Big fu**ing deal! I could do that with gold if I wanted! I could do ANYTHING with GOLD!! Now GET OFF MY PROPERTY before my calf devours you all!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”
In an embarrassing turn of events that has many viewers questioning the due diligence of mainstream network reporting, NBC Nightly News ran a full story Wednesday on the satirical XRP_Productions-created 'Bearableguy' Ovaltine scandal.
“In our top story tonight, the popular chocolate drink powder company Ovaltine has issued an apology,” said Nightly News anchor Lester Holt, “for spending two years fooling the holders of the third-ranked digital asset by market cap, XRP.”
Holt went on to discuss the riddles put forth by Bearableguy over the past two years, how thousands of people bought in to the absurdly-high price predictions, and the aforementioned Ovaltine company apology. Unbeknownst to Holt, the story and apology were farcically printed by the crypto-satire outlet XRP_Productions on the startup blog site Coil.com.
While certainly the largest media source to mistakenly cover the satirical story, NBC News was not the only organization to be fooled. Several cryptocurrency news outlets also ran with the story without taking the necessary three seconds to see that it was bunk.
Cryptocurrency YouTuber being fooled by an XRP_Productions story days before NBC Nightly News and Lester Holt ran with the same satirical story.
NBC News has not yet released a statement regarding their coverage of the comedic story and has not responded to XRP_Productions' requests for comment.
XRP_Productions has also not yet responded to XRP_Productions' request for comment on the matter.
Revving up their engines and blasting off into the new decade, blockchain payments company Ripple announced their new logo Friday as well as the first glimpses of their minimalist-style office space makeover.
“The whole thing just feels fresh and full of energy,” said Chris Larsen, Executive Chairman of Ripple's board of directors. “It's exactly the sort of boost we need to continue our strong path toward revolutionizing the global payments industry.”
Replacing the former “Blue Ripple Triskelion” is a bold and deceptively simple “Ripple Black Dot,” an idea that Larsen says “amply represents the future world of interoperability” that Ripple strives for daily.
“I love the look of the new offices,” said Ripple's Lead Software Engineer Nik Bougalis. “Clean. Beautiful. Peaceful. But... um... where are the computers?”
Interior view of Ripple's new C++ team office-space makeover.
Ripple has confirmed that each of their 6 global offices have undergone the transformation, costing a total of $4.3 billion.
“As I said in a company-wide e-mail I sent this morning, investments in your own company are always the best investments,” said Larsen. “It was really an inspiring e-mail. I wonder why no one responded?”
Shocking fans of the recurring online series and immediately capturing their hearts, the latest installment of “The Ripple Drop” introduced its tiniest and mightiest new character Tuesday, “Baby Schwartz.”
“We're just so thrilled to release this character,” said Reinhard Cate, Head of Content and Video Production at Ripple. “To be honest, I'm shocked there were no leaks about him. We swore everyone to secrecy, but sometimes things this big are tough to contain!”
The character, a doll-like version of Ripple CTO David Schwartz, spends the episode teaching people about Ripplenet and XRP in the “most adorable and heart-squeezing fashion” according to Cate.
Ripple's Reinhard Cate (second from left) and team celebrating in style after they were able to keep “Baby Schwartz” under wraps until the release of the latest “Ripple Drop.”
Much to the enjoyment of Ripple, Baby Schwartz has become an immediate sensation, inspiring hundreds of thousands of social media comments and online memes.
Asked if there was any truth to an online rumor that popular comedian Bill Burr would perhaps be making an appearance in a later Ripple Drop episode, Cate said viewers would “have to wait and see.”
Claiming that a solemn promise has gone unfulfilled, 36-year-old Ken Schneedle of Shreveport, Louisiana has issued a lawsuit to blockchain payments company Ripple for not yet making him a billionaire.
“My client is under extreme trauma,” said Paul Waaverman, Mr. Schneedle's attorney, “after three torturous months of not having at least a billion dollars.”
Mr. Schneedle, a grocery store clerk, invested $35 in XRP after opening a Coinbase account in early October and has claimed Ripple has caused him “severe duress” for not making his 150 XRP worth $6,700,000 each in order to enable his desired billionaire status.
Ken Schneedle holding a press conference outside his attorney's office. Schneedle is suing Ripple for $1.5 billion after they didn't make him a billionaire within 3 months of investing $35 in XRP.
“This is horrible news for Ripple,” said Laura Shin, host of the popular cryptocurrency podcast 'Unchained.' “In my opinion—and I'm very, very smart—Mr. Schneedle has a winning case. I can't wait to see Ripple burn. God I hate them so much. Hashtag 'XRPtheSecurity'!”
Ripple has thus far not responded to XRP_Productions' request for comment, but has previously stated their clear view that although they have financial products that utilize XRP, they have no control over the price of the digital asset.
DO-LUNG, VIETNAM—Surrounded by war-painted Montagnards and held at gunpoint Sunday, XRP_Productions reporters were ushered to the den of former XRP Army leader “XRPTrump” after scouring the thick jungles of Cambodia and Vietnam for months in search of the missing, legendary figure.
Disappearing from Twitter in April after becoming one of the most powerful and respected personalities in the online XRP world, XRPTrump had become the subject of a number of tall tales and conspiracy theories, none ultimately being supported by any corroborating facts or evidence. An anonymous tip received in September led XRP_Productions staff to begin the arduous trek to comb the Asian jungles.
“Where are you from,” asked XRPTrump, lying on a hard bed in the dark shadows of his den as the reporters entered the room. When one of the reporters calmly answered, “Ohio,” XRPTrump began a strangely-menacing monologue about his childhood memory of passing a beautiful gardenia plantation when traveling down the Ohio River.
Legendary XRP Army leader 'XRPTrump' being interviewed in his jungle palace by XRP_Productions reporters.
Pouncing upon the opportunity to finally get the truth that the XRP community so badly desired for most of 2019, one of the reporters asked XRPTrump why he had gone into seclusion. The question was met directly with another question, as XRPTrump asked the reporters if anyone had told them “why Twitter wished to terminate [his] command” while splashing his face and head with room-temperature water from a wooden bowl.
“Are you assassins?” asked XRPTrump, turning his face up slightly into a band of yellow light. The XRP_Productions staff uncomfortably responded that they were simply reporters.
“You're neither,” said XRP Trump, his tone cold and unfeeling. “You're errand boys... sent by grocery clerks... to collect a bill.”
Fresh off of their highly-reported Series C funding round which saw the company achieve an impressive market valuation of $10 billion, blockchain payments company Ripple proudly debuted their new mascot Saturday, “'Grimmy,' the Payments Industry Reaper.”
“We're getting into the big leagues now,” said Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse. “As everyone knows, Series C funding rounds potentially lead companies to big acquisitions, mergers, and IPOs. It was high-time we got ourselves a mascot.”
'Grimmy,' a 7-foot-tall angel of death with a taste for the blood of payment companies who refuse to innovate with modern blockchain technology, is a “fun way for companies to realize the potentially fatal choice of not joining Ripplenet” according to Garlinghouse.
“We wanted two things in deciding upon Grimmy,” added Ripple CTO David Schwartz. “First: To strike frigid and unrelenting terror into the hearts of all payment industry competitors as they realize their imminent doom and see their very existence crumble away before their eyes like so much dust. Second: To be fun for the kids.”
The company has already released their plan to take Grimmy to Ripple's booth at the 2020 SWIFT Sibos conference where he will reportedly use a real metal scythe to slaughter pigs dressed in banker suits with SWIFT pins on their lapels.
“Should be a great time had by all,” said Garlinghouse. “If you're at Sibos, be sure to stop by and see us!”
XRP Productions Drops Its Pants... See How We're Doin'
