xrp-productions

Calm down, folks. It's called s-a-t-i-r-e.

Preparing for a 2020 that many experts think will be “The Year of Cryptocurrency,” CNBC's popular show 'Fast Money' has hired a bevy of fresh crypto-analysts to improve upon their oft-criticized coverage of the digital asset world.

“We couldn't be more excited,” said Fast Money producer Kristin Cwalinski. “In the past, many have expressed dissatisfaction with our cryptocurrency coverage. They thought we were uninformed and out of touch. Well, have we got some top-notch talent now!”

The analysts, including a 15-year-old orangutan named Scooter and an inanimate tree stump freshly unearthed in mid-December, are touted by CNBC to “soon be finally giving some knowledgeable opinions about the crypto world.”

“My personal favorite is Ace,” said Cwalinski, speaking of Fast Money's new Altcoin reporter who will be emitting his live crypto editorials directly from his anus. “Wait till you get a load of this guy. I don't know anything about crypto, but even I know that Ace is a cut above the analysts that we used to have.”

CNBC's 'Fast Money' debuting new crypto-analyst 'Stumpy' (seen at right). Stumpy is one of several new additions to the financial program in an effort to improve their cryptocurrency coverage.

Time will tell if the 'Hodlers' of the world are ultimately satisfied with CNBC's efforts, but Cwalinski nonetheless plans to take the show's improvements even further.

“We've added the tree stump, the monkey, and the flatulating reporter. How can we top that, you ask? Well, I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, but we're also very close to finalizing a deal with Tone Vays.”

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Apologizing politely but strongly maintaining his stance, SBI CEO Yoshitaka Kitao was spotted at a Bay Area Target Thursday returning a Christmas gift given to him by Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse.

“Brad is great man,” said Kitao, grabbing a gift card with the item's refunded value from the Target customer service rep, “but his gifts not good. Every year... same type of shit.”

The gift, a mini pineapple table lamp that changed colors, was, according to Kitao, “not my style... nothing I would ever want... ever.” He told XRP_Productions reporters that he tried being polite to Garlinghouse in past Christmases by explaining his tastes, but that the conversations seemed to not sink in. “Christ! How can man be so talented to run company like Ripple but such great failure to choose gift? Son of the bitch!”

The mini pineapple color-changing novelty lamp that Brad Garlinghouse purchased for Yoshitaka Kitao. Kitao claimed it was the “worst gift” he had ever received.

Kitao reportedly used the $10 refunded to his gift card to purchase an REO Speedwagon CD in the store's discount bin.

Brad Garlinghouse did not respond to XRP_Productions' requests for interview.

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Eagerly following his clues and devoting thousands of hours to deciphering his messages over the past two years, the XRP community collectively screamed in rage Wednesday when the final Bearableguy123 decoded riddle resulted in the sentence, “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”

“I was crunching the numbers,” said Twitter user @XRP_LamboTime, “and wiping the sweat off my forehead as I uncovered each word. BE... SURE... TO... DRINK.............. YOUR...... ” He explained that he was in such a feverish anger after reading the last word “Ovaltine” that he threw his smartphone at a nearby wall.

“Two years I've been following that asshole's treasure map, so-to-speak,” said another aggrieved community member, Reddit user 'TenThousandDollarXRP', “Hoping it would lead to a mind-blowing truth about the global financial system, XRP being the world reserve currency, ANYTHING like that. And what do I get? OVALTINE?! Up yours, Bearableguy!!”

The vitamin-laced chocolate drink powder company apologized for the two-year charade, explaining that they never meant to cause anyone any emotional stress.

“It was a cartoon bear in a jester's hat,” said an Ovaltine representative, “We didn't expect anyone to ever take it seriously.”

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In a poignant and loving display, Ripple CTO David Schwartz penned a touching tweet about his ailing maternal grandfather Sunday, giving members of the 'XRP Community' some juicy opportunities to investigate for clues about the imminent price explosion of XRP.

“My thoughts are with my grandfather tonight,” said Schwartz in his tweet, “as he fights the battle of his life. A great man who has stormed many castles in his time. I love you, grandpa.”

Thrilled with the chance to pounce on another cryptic David Schwartz tweet, the massive XRP Twitter crowd began to dissect the potential hidden subtext to the message.

“WOW,” said one respondent, @BabaCoocoo589. “David said he has 'stormed many castles.' Do you know what this means?! STORM THE CASTLE! XRP is going to start a GLOBAL FINANCIAL RESET!!”

“The picture of his grandpa definitely represents SWIFT,” said another account, @XRP_HawkMoonTime. “And see how he seems to be extending one finger? I think this confirms that January 1st we'll be at $1,000 per XRP.”

Adding fuel to the fire of speculation, Schwartz later responded to the community, tweeting a large picture of a heart with the accompanying message: “Folks, this was just a tweet about my sick grandfather whom I love... nothing more.”

The XRP community was whipped into a chaotic frenzy after the tweet, thinking that the heart looked very much like the famous 'Bearableguy123' heart tweet from 2018.

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Bringing 'light' to a subject that has baffled cryptocurrency investors worldwide for nearly two years, a recent study by Harvard University definitively proclaims that the great cryptocurrency-crash of 2018 was actually caused by a solitary cow kicking over a lantern in a barn in southwest Chicago.

“The study leaves little room for doubt,” said Harvard's Dean of Science Christopher Stubbs. “After nearly two years of research, we finally have our answer.”

The news provides significant closure for crypto ‘Hodlers’ around the globe who saw their coins skyrocket to all-time high values in late 2017 but sharply plummet shortly thereafter. Many tokens lost over 95% of their value in the drop and haven’t recovered to this day.

“I always kinda wondered what happened,” said 63-year-old Leonard Mingus, a construction worker who invested his life savings into the digital asset XRP at a $3.54 value. “Cow kicking over a lantern, huh? Well, it’s as good an explanation as I’ve heard, I guess.”

The owner of the cow, a Mrs. Catherine O’Leary, has not responded to XRP_Productions’ requests for interview.

Staring at a chart and nodding with unfounded approval Thursday, Brian Thompson of Albuquerque, New Mexico showed immense pleasure with the “awesome growth” of XRP liquidity, despite not having a single clue about what 'liquidity' meant.

“This is what we want to see,” said Thompson, pointing at the high peaks on the right side of the chart while giving a thumbs up. “It's going up. That's really great.”

Thompson, a substitute teacher who invested a few hundred dollars in the digital asset in 2018, proudly stated that “liquidity is the most important thing with XRP,” while proceeding to clearly demonstrate he hadn't the foggiest idea about it.

“It's... the liquidity is... it means pretty much, like, 'liquid',” said Thompson, scrolling through his Twitter feed. “Like watering a plant. We want... we want the XRP to grow like a big plant.”

The liquidity index bot, a Twitter account which regularly posts graphs that make Thompson happy without his knowing quite why.

Thompson said he looks forward to the day when the liquidity is “really, really big,” hoping that the XRP price will show a direct correlation to the spiking liquidity index.

“Yeah, that'll be sweet,” said Thompson, blankly staring at the chart. “Liquidity equals moon, everyone knows that. God, I can't wait.”

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Becoming the latest Goliath of the business world to throw their hat in the cryptocurrency ring, Dunkin' Donuts announced their plan Wednesday to issue a whitepaper for 'DunkinCoin', a stable digital currency.

”'DunkinCoin' is the dawn of a new day,” said Dunkin' Donuts CEO David Hoffman, “A day in which anyone in the world can finally buy a delicious Dunkin' doughnut with blockchain technology.”

Though certainly exciting for the large doughnut conglomerate, for many in the cryptocurrency world it begs the question, “where does this leave Ripple's XRP?”

“In my mind, they should be very worried,” said Ran Neuner, host of CNBC's 'Cryptotrader.' “When I see a potential whitepaper coming for 'DunkinCoin', I can't help but think, 'why then would anyone need XRP?' I mean, Ripple the company might be okay... but the XRP token... I'm not so sure... What does it do again?”

CNBC's Ran Neuner giving his opinion that the new 'DunkinCoin' is almost certainly an XRP killer, though he's not quite sure what XRP does.

Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse showed frustration at the claim, rubbing his temples and clenching his teeth in response.

“How... many... times... do we have to explain,” said Garlinghouse, breaking a pencil held in his hand. “XRP is a decentralized digital asset that Ripple is using for on-demand liquidity in the settlement of cross-border payments. It acts as a BRIDGE between any currencies—fiat, crypto, DOUGHNUT COINS, anything!! A BRIDGE CURRENCY! Get it!? Arrrrrgggghhhh!!”

With the whitepaper planned for a 2021 release and potential implementation by 2025, time will have to tell if 'DunkinCoin' does have any negative affect on XRP.

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Trumpeting to the world that the future is indeed here, world-renowned Johns Hopkins Medical Center has announced Wednesday that they will soon be accepting Coil micropayments during all surgical procedures.

“A new technological age is upon us,” said Johns Hopkins President Redonda Miller, “in which surgeons can be paid instantly for each second they are performing their operations.”

This is the first collaboration with the medical industry for Coil, the San Francisco-based startup designed to help creators monetize web content and provide a premium experience to consumers.

“We were giving web-content creators a new, exciting way to monetize that didn't involve advertising revenue,” said Coil CEO Stefan Thomas, “when we suddenly thought, 'WAIT A SECOND... why not for SURGERIES?'”

The revolutionary move allows patients to receive any operation they wish, with Coil payments automatically streaming to the doctors only while the surgery is in process.

“Heart? Gal Bladder? Hernia?” said Thomas, “Doesn't matter. Go in for whatever you need, and only pay for the time you spend under the knife. Coil members can get as much or as little surgery as they want.”

While some are excited about the new surgery-monetization option, others have expressed concerns about the new Coil monthly membership fee, which has gone from $5 per month to $12,876 per month.

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Appearing on CNN's 'First Move with Julia Chatterly' Tuesday, MoneyGram CEO Alex Holmes announced his “respectful but unwavering ultimatum” that Ripple open at least two-dozen more on-demand liquidity corridors by the end of the year while wearing a vest of explosives.

“It's working out amazingly well!” said Holmes when asked how the high-profile but early partnership with Ripple was going. “It's a mutually-beneficial relationship and I'm in love with their innovative technology! We would just like to start expanding the XRP corridors while Ripple wants to be very cautious and ensure proper regulatory clarity. That's why I've started the timer on my little friend here.”

Presently active in four global corridors using the digital asset XRP to instantly access settlement liquidity, vastly saving the company and their customers time and money in their remittance transactions, Holmes says MoneyGram is “ravenous” to ramp up. He politely expressed hopes that using “creatively violent” tactics would encourage Ripple to progress more quickly.

“The people at Ripple are amazing--I just love those men and women. And their responsible approach is undoubtedly commendable. But if they don't get me at least 24 new corridors by 2020, Alex-gonna-go-boom.”

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Happily but tentatively ambling out into open space and sunshine for the first time since late 2018, Ripple engineers were released from captivity by Warden Brad Garlinghouse for their annual 2019 yard time Thursday.

“It's... it's great,” said Nik Bougalis, Ripple's lead C++ engineer, flinching as an XRP_Productions reporter reached out to shake his hand. “It's... it's... really great... please help me.”

The expedition proved beneficial for the engineers, who are “always thankful” for the scheduled break after 12 months of high-pressure coding demanded of them in order to make Ripplenet the dominant global payments infrastructure of the future.

“We love our engineers,” said Warden Garlinghouse, mercurially screaming out at one of them for wandering a bit too far away. “And they love Ripple. RIGHT GUYS?”

After finishing their annual can of warm soda-pop that Garlinghouse kindly gifted to them, they all grouped together for the yearly photo.

“I better see every one of you smiling,” said Garlinghouse as the picture was taken. “Alright, maggots! Back inside—it's time to keep coding for Brad!”

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