Not wanting to miss another juicy opportunity to legislate by enforcement, former Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Jay Clayton returned to his role for just one day Monday to sue mogul Elon Musk for securities violations over his “constant promotion of Dogecoin via memes and tweets.”
“Dogecoin has obviously become a security of Elon Musk,” said Clayton to XRP_Productions reporters. “Look at how many bullshit Doge memes he’s posting every week... and each time the price soars. Well, ladies and gents, Jay-Jay’s back, and he’s on the case!”
Former SEC Chairman Jay Clayton telling XRP_Productions reporters about his one-day return to the commission to sue Elon Musk for Dogecoin securities.
The move comes right after the shocking revelation that Musk's company, Tesla, has purchased $1.5 billion in Bitcoin and plans on accepting cryptocurrency payments for their electric vehicle sales soon.
“What? He was pumping doge and then buying Bitcoin at the same time??” said Clayton upon finding out the news. “That's AWESOME! Looks like I'll have to stay a few more days—I've got ANOTHER lawsuit to file...”
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Using a brilliant tactic inspired by the cryptocurrency world, blockchain payments company Ripple completely evaded the recent lawsuit against it put forth by the SEC after “forking” itself into an entirely new company Friday, RippleGOLD.
“We had an 84% consensus within the company,” said former Ripple CEO and current RippleGOLD CEO Brad Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters, “and that was enough to complete the fork. Good luck with that SEC lawsuit, Ripple. RippleGOLD is moving forward with no pending litigation whatsoever! Woohoo!”
Former Ripple CEO and current RippleGOLD CEO Brad Garlinghouse explaining to Bloomberg News Friday how the company evaded the SEC lawsuit by “forking.”
The new company will apparently operate its payment platform, RippleGOLDNet, freely and will be able to fully utilize the digital asset XRP to settle all U.S. and international payments.
“Finally,” said Garlinghouse. “Instant global payments, instant global settlement. Fast. Cheap. Reliable. RippleGOLD, baby!”
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Making rock fans around the world become both excited and utterly confused at the exact same instant, legendary band KISS released a new love ballad about the digital asset XRP Thursday.
“You remember Beth and Comin' Home,” said lead singer Paul Stanley, recently revealing to the world that he and bassist Gene Simmons are ardent advocates of the digital asset. “But they're nothing compared to this song. Writing it was so easy because of our passion about XRP—the tech, the speed, the possibilities—and you can hear that passion in what we created.”
The song, entitled 'XRP, You're the One for Me,' is a seven-and-a-half-minute melodic ballad that mixes the groove of Ace Frehley's guitar, the smoothness of Simmons' bass, and the powerful vocal range of the entire band.
KISS bass guitarist Gene Simmons giving his “3-dollar XRP” 2021 prediction toXRP_Productionsat a press conference announcing his band's new single, 'XRP, You're the One For Me.'
Thus far, the song has seen astounding early success, immediately shooting to the top of the Billboard Hot 100, an event which has pleased worldwide fans of the hall-of-fame band and global XRP holders alike.
Rampant online rumors that the music video for the hit song will debut on new video platform Cinnamon.video have been as-of-yet unconfirmed by XRP_Productions.
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WASHINGTON D.C. — Vowing to never again fail in its primary objectives to protect the country's most important investors, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) announced its plans Friday to open a new office exclusively devoted to protecting billion-dollar hedge funds from anything scary.
“It was actually my idea,” said former SEC chairman Jay Clayton to XRP_Productions reporters, “but I just didn't have enough time to implement it before I left in December. I was so busy doing other important things, like initiating a bullshit lawsuit against Ripple that took billions of dollars away from innocent XRP holders worldwide. Busy, busy...”
The move is reportedly in response to the recent table-turning moves of a group of retail investors using dastardly tactics like accessing public information and communicating with each other on legal online forums to subvert massive and ridiculous shorts on stocks.
Randolph and Mortimer Duke, two prominent billionaire hedge fund owners who were pleased to hear about the SEC's new office devoted to protecting helpless, frightened investors like them. “It's about time someone in the government looks out for us,” said the brothers.
While not revealing everything about what the office will be doing, SEC officials have promised it will do “everything it can get away with in order to protect our BFFs.”
“Helping exchanges delist threats, providing safe spaces,” outlined one SEC spokesperson, “wrapping them in security blankets. We will take this responsibility VERY seriously.”
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Wishing to expand his empire to hard-to-acquire digital assets, well-known crystal meth distributor Walter White announced his plans Wednesday to begin selling copious amounts of the recently-banned cryptocurrency XRP within the United States.
“I'm doing it for me,” said White of his decision to sell XRP, which has been de-listed from dozens of exchanges after a recent securities lawsuit filed by the SEC against blockchain payments company Ripple. “And I like it. I'm good at it. And it really makes me feel— like I'm alive.”
Saul Goodman, an attorney that Walter White has enlisted to help blockchain payments company Ripple since recently deciding to begin selling the digital asset XRP on the U.S. black market.
White told XRP_Productions reporters he plans to begin small by selling the XRP out of his Winnebago, but soon hopes to develop the same formidable reputation as an XRP seller as he has as a crystal meth kingpin.
“The crypto community clearly doesn’t know who they’re talking to, so let me clue you them in,” said White. “I am not in danger... I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that's me? No! I am the one who knocks!”
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Surrounded by scores of desperate and ravenous holders of XRP, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse stormed the offices of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Wednesday, an apparent move to take the upper hand in the ongoing battle over alleged securities violations.
”'We The People' have come here today,” said Garlinghouse to his band of rowdy followers as well as dozens of XRP_Productions reporters, “to fight back against tyranny. They must STOP THE STEAL of the value of our XRP!”
3-Year XRP holder Leonard Mingus making himself comfortable in one SEC office as he and hundreds of others, lead by Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse, stormed the commission's headquarters Wednesday.
Though mostly peaceful, the coup did display moments of lude and immature activity, particularly when dozens of protesters, including Ripple CTO David Schwartz, began running around the building naked.
“Live free or die!” shouted Schwartz, flailing his arms and running around an SEC boardroom in the buff. “LIVE FREE OR DIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!”
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Becoming the latest in a line of entities to take legal action since the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission filed suit against the blockchain payments company for selling unregistered securities, Ripple announced it is suing itself Tuesday.
“At some point you have to protect yourself,” said Ripple General Counsel Stuart Alderoty to XRP_Productions reporters. “Even if it’s from yourself.”
Brad Garlinghouse, one of the plaintiffs and, subsequently, the defendants in Ripple’s lawsuit against Ripple.
While the intentions of the Silicon Valley firm’s self-suit are not entirely clear, some are speculating it could be a sign of exhaustion.
“Hell, everyone else is suing them,” said three-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?”
Proving that, to the hammer of each governmental branch, everything appears as their nail, the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) declared the controversial digital token XRP to be “beyond a doubt a bioengineered food and subject to our regulation” Wednesday.
“It's engineered, it's consumed in mass quantities, it goes down easy,” said Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue. “Definitely a bioengineered food and definitely falls under our control.”
Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue tellingXRP_Productionsreporters that he will bring down the hammer of USDA regulations on XRP after declaring it a bioengineered food Wednesday.
Despite acknowledgments that the SEC is claiming it's a security and FinCEN already labeling it as a currency, the USDA is not backing down from its assertion.
“Man, f*ck those guys,” said Perdue of the other agencies. “We are the goddamned USDA! We say it's a BIOENGINEERED FOOD, goddamnit!”
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Saying that the deity “wants to wait until there is clarity concerning the recent SEC legal filings against Ripple,” his Holiness the Pope announced Monday that God can no longer support XRP in his universe.
“God told me he really wants to play this one safe,” said His Papal Eminence to XRP_Productions reporters. “He said he wants to see what happens before he can allow XRP to go on.”
The High Pontiff explaining God's universal XRP suspension to reporters Monday afternoon.
Asked if God had any idea when or if the case would be resolved, His Holiness appeared flummoxed.
“God is omniscient,” said the Pope. “But even he doesn't have a f*cking clue how this one's gonna turn out...”
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Standing under hot lights in a room packed with eager reporters Monday, high-profile attorney Rudy Giuliani and executives of blockchain payments company Ripple announced their intent to “release the kraken” in their legal fight against the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).
“They have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into,” said CEO Brad Garlinghouse about the lawsuit which alleges that the Silicon Valley company’s sales of the digital asset XRP since 2013 have violated securities law. “I wouldn't want to be in their shoes right now, to be honest.”
Rudy Giuliani outlining Ripple's plan to defeat the SEC in the recent securities lawsuit. He and the blockchain payments company made solemn promises to 'release the kraken' Monday.
While little information was divulged about what ‘the kraken’ could be referring to, the legal team made their confidence in the matter very apparent.
“What is 'the kraken'?” said Ripple general counsel Stuart Alderoty as he helped dab some leaking hair dye from Giuliani's face. “You'll see... oh yes, you'll see... MUAHAHAHAAAAAA!”
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Ripple Evades SEC Lawsuit After Forking to “RippleGOLD”
