In a bold move that appears to display another brazen effort to legislate by enforcement and expand their jurisdictional power, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) announced they are suing fossil fuel giant Exxon Mobil for “150 years of selling oil without registering it as a security.”
“Exxon has been in clear violation of selling this oil as an investment contract,” an SEC spokesperson said to XRP_Productions reporters. “And for the past century-and-a-half they should have damn-well known that.”
The SEC's Acting Chair Allison Herren Lee expressing her extreme disappointment in Exxon for selling “unregistered securities in the form of oil since the 1870s.”
The move comes as no surprise to many, including worldwide holders of the decentralized digital asset XRP, which has been massively affected by an ongoing SEC lawsuit against blockchain payments company Ripple after the Silicon Valley firm had sold their holdings of the asset to various entities for over eight years.
“They're suing Exxon for selling oil, eh?” said XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Hackensack, New Jersey. “Notice the complete lack of surprise on my face...”
Taking the new digital art world by steamy storm, Ripple CTO and XRP Ledger co-creator David Schwartz has announced his plans to sell rare nude photographs of himself as 'Non-Fungible Tokens' (NFTs) Monday.
“These are from David's private collection,” said Schwartz to XRP_Productions reporters about the 12 photographs being released as 'Phase 1' of the NFT rollout. “Phase 2 will be a bit more playful... Phase 3? Let's just say David might get a bit raunchy in Phase 3...”
Censored image of 'David Schwartz Blockchain Conference Nude', one of 12 NFTs the Ripple CTO will be selling on the open market in Phase 1 of his planned venture.
The blockchain-legend-turned-model hopes to make a big impact on the burgeoning NFT world, which has recently seen some digital artwork sell for tens of millions of dollars.
“Sixty-Nine million for that Beeple piece of sh*t?” said Schwartz, thumbing through his portfolio of nudes. “Pffft. One of these is guaranteed to break that record...”
Coil subscribers can see which other interesting NFTs David Schwartz will be selling below...
Making the latest in a series of bold legal moves against the blockchain payments company, the U.S. Securities and Exchange commission issued subpoenas late Friday which call for the “full and complete Netflix viewing history” of Chris Larsen, Brad Garlinghouse, and other executives at Ripple.
“The Big Short? The Bachelor? Tiger King?” said the SEC's official letter to the court. “There could be something in there that proves they knew the XRP they were selling were securities, and we have a right to know about it.”
'Riverdale', one of many Netflix shows the SEC may see in the subpoenaed Netflix viewing history of Ripple execs, perhaps proving their prior knowledge that their sales of XRP were indeed securities.
Officially responding early Saturday, Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse has called the latest SEC demand “senseless and desperate.”
“I won't tell them what I've watched, but I will tell them what I'm planning on watching,” said Garlinghouse to XRP_Productions reporters. “A little show called 'How Ripple Kicked the SEC Bully in the Nuts.'”
Coil subscribers can see what Ripple CTO David Schwartz was forced to turn in to the SEC below...
Cheering and patting each other on the backs after passing the resolution Thursday, the U.S. House of Representatives unanimously voted to make March 12th “National Hyper-Inflation Day.”
“It's about time,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to XRP_Productions reporters about the new holiday celebrating the massive devaluation of the U.S. dollar, “that printing trillions—fast-becoming the national pastime—has it's own Federal day of celebration.”
Artist's depiction of the “Wheelbarrow of Cash Racing” that is expected to be one of the festivities during “National Hyper-Inflation Day” which was just initiated by Congress.
Some critics of the holiday, reportedly inspired by tomorrow's Presidential signing of the latest 1.4 trillion-dollar stimulus, say that it is irresponsible to glorify such money-printing.
“Call me crazy,” said Leonard Mingus, a 41-year-old cryptocurrency investor from Sheboygan, Wisconsin, “but I'm not sure this is something we should be proud of. I'd rather have a 'National XRP Day,' to be honest...”
*Coil subscribers can see another “National Hyper-Inflation Day” festivity below**...*
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Making the sensitive confession on his 81st birthday Wednesday, screen star and legendary badass Chuck Norris admitted that he is “quite intimidated by the huge balls” of holders of the digital asset XRP.
“Nothing ever intimidates me,” said Norris to XRP_Productions reporters. “But these men and women? Holy shit... their enormous, titanium balls make me shake like a leaf on a tree.”
A handful of epic badass Chuck Norris roles that the action star says are “no longer impressive, at all” in comparison with the steely grit of holders of the digital asset XRP.
The holders, who have seen their asset stagnate in value over the past three years while being constantly savaged by haters and an SEC lawsuit, have an “unwavering, diamond-balled determination that scares the shit out of me,” according to Norris.
“I'm telling you right now, I wouldn't be able to do it,” said Norris, a tiny tear squeezing out of one eye. “To have that kind of resolve. They are the true badasses.”
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Gushing with gratefulness in a personally-penned letter Tuesday, Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin sent a thank-you to the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) in appreciation of their choice to thus far not pursue him or the Ethereum Foundation for “obvious” securities violations.
“It's really so wonderful,” said Buterin, squirming in his seat with joy as he spoke to XRP_Productions reporters. “I mean... we held an ACTUAL ICO and clearly raised funds as investment contracts. But the SEC goes after Ripple and we get off Scot-free! They are so magnanimous!”
Vitalik Buterinannouncing the Ethereum Foundation's fund-raising planto get Ethereum up and running in 2014. The founder is “overjoyed but also a bit shocked” that the SEC has never pursued him or the foundation for securities violations.
The blockchain wunderkind is not alone in his appreciation for the SEC's choices, with communist leaders in China similarly expressing their thankfulness.
“Thank so greatly,” said Xi Jinping, General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, President of the People's Republic of China, and Chairman of the Central Military Commission. “By SEC attack Ripple and XRP and not Ether and Bitcoin, allows China to take great benefit. Much appreciation. Much love to SEC.”
XRP the Standard Productions wants to keep producing HARD-HITTING crypto-satire-journalism that no one else has the BALLS to write! Subscribe to Coil with our link below to keep us going!
Luring him in with the reported promise of a seven-figure salary, blockchain payments company Ripple hired former Securities and Exchange Commission Chair Jay Clayton Monday, allegedly so they could fire him almost immediately.
“It was pretty funny,” said 4-year Ripple employee Leonard Mingus to XRP_Productions reporters. “You should have seen him strutting around here when he first arrived... he really thought he was hot stuff... little did he know what was to come... BWAHAHAHAAA!”
Former SEC Chair Jay Clayton being sent to get coffee for Ripple executives with his underwear on his head, an initiation prank on his first (and subsequently last) day of work at the Silicon Valley company.
The move is speculated to be somewhat of a retribution for the lawsuit that Clayton introduced on his final day at the SEC alleging that Ripple's sales of XRP have been securities violations.
“Nahhhh, it didn't have anything to do with that,” said Mingus. “Ripple hired him and gave him an honest chance. They just realized very quickly how incompetent he was...”
Coil subscribers can see who else had to go through a Ripple initiation prank below...
Never shy about stepping in when they feel the fragile everyday investor is in peril, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) issued a lawsuit Friday against all cryptocurrency exchanges that recently delisted the digital token XRP in light of an SEC lawsuit against blockchain payments company Ripple.
“What an egregious and harmful thing these cryptocurrency exchanges did by delisting XRP,” said acting SEC Chairperson Allison Herren Lee to XRP_Productions reporters. “Well, they might not care about innocent investors, but we do, damnit, and we're gonna bring down the hammer.”
SEC Acting Chair Allison Herren Lee telling reporters how appalled she was when she found out how many cryptocurrency exchanges “irresponsibly delisted XRP and harmed the poor little investors” after the SEC's lawsuit against blockchain payments company Ripple.
While the new lawsuit hopes to right the wrongs of the exchanges' recent actions concerning XRP, Lee hopes the current Ripple lawsuit can also act as an additional future protection to investors.
“Yes, with this lawsuit we are going after exchanges for shamefully delisting XRP,” said Lee, drawing dollar signs in her notebook, “but if our current case gives clarity that XRP is a security... we're gonna cornhole 'em with ANOTHER lawsuit! It's PERFECT! Cha-ching!”
Coil subscribers can see the inspiration for this satire below...
Surrounded by adoring staff feverishly applauding his every word, Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea and Chairman of the Workers' Party of Korea, proudly announced the debut of his first GALA Games node Friday.
The node, purchased through the GALA games link of XRP the Standard Productions, Jong-Un's favorite online crypto journalism outlet, earns the exalted leader daily GALA tokens for simply running the node for 6 hours in a 24-hour period.
North Korea's Kim Jong-Un celebrating his first NFT received from his GALA games node operation, one of many benefits to joining the blockchain gaming firm's online gaming revolution.
“It is a day of unparalleled greatness,” said North Korean military Chief of Staff Ri-Yong Gil to North Korean state media and XRP_Productions reporters. “Even the birds sing in sweet melodic harmony to greet the most wonderful gaming node ever to be operated. We give eternal thanks to our most amazing leader for running such a wonder of the world.”
With approximately half of the 50,000 nodes already being sold, the grand leader expressed concern that his one node may not be enough.
“His eminence commands all to stop purchasing nodes,” said Gil. “To allow him the time to make his purchase of remaining 26,000 node. Do not attempt to defy.”
ONLY 50,000 NODES WILL EVER BE IN EXISTENCE
PRICE RISES $100 FOR EVERY 100 SOLD
LAST NODE SOLD WILL COST $33,000
EARN FREE GALA TOKENS EVERY DAY YOU RUN YOUR NODE FOR JUST 6 HOURS
Sending a strong message to all crypto-related businesses Tuesday, the New York Attorney General's office reached a settlement with Bitfinex and Tether that will see the firms pay a full $25 fine for their alleged $850 million in lost funds.
“Today we proved we're not messing around,” said New York Attorney General Letitia James to XRP_Productions concerning the hefty fine. “And let this be a warning: anyone who tries to cover up hundreds of millions of dollars better be ready to fork over a Jackson AND a Lincoln.”
NY Attorney General Letitia James threatening to “add 3 hours of community service” to any future crypto-related firm that tries to get away with a billion dollars of chicanery.
With the settlement, the legal dispute — which has been ongoing since 2019 — comes to a close.
“We admit no wrong doing, of course,” said Tether CEO Reeve Collins, appearing to do everything he could to hold back laughter. “But just to get this over with, we'll agree to pay this... massive... fine... BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAHAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Hey, buddy... a few words of advice if you like passive income that could pay you for years to come:
Buy a GALA node... it is UNBELIEVABLY easy to run and you rake in GALA tokens every day. The tokens have gone up over 1000% since October.
HURRY. The price of a node goes up $100 for every 100 nodes sold (there will only ever be 50,000 nodes on the planet)
David Schwartz to Sell Rare Nude NFTs
