Deciding upon the upgrade after a recent ankle injury, Ripple CTO David Schwartz reportedly completed a successful round of surgery at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center Friday morning, receiving an “experimental, titanium-cladded bionic foot.”
“Anyone can have a simple ankle surgery,” said Schwartz to XRP_Productions reporters while greasing and calibrating his new appendage. “But I'm not just anyone. This T-8000 model is more my style...”
Ripple CTO David Schwartz recovering in his Walter Reed National Military Medical Center room Friday, admiring his purportedly indestructible new foot.
The XRP Ledger co-creator expressed excitement at trying out some of the added features of the foot, including a Swiss-army-style collection of tools.
“Did it cost $1 million? Yes. Will Brad be pissed that Ripple is picking up the tab? Certainly,” said Schwartz. “But answer me this: what other Silicon Valley CTO has a foot with a can opener on it?”
Hoping to educate little ones and their parents about the dangers surrounding the blockchain payments company and the digital asset they promote, Crypto Bitlord and Tone Vays released a poignant children's book Wednesday, “Ripple Scammed Daddy.”
“We did this because... we care,” said Bitlord of the somber work which explains in simple terms how evil Ripple executives sell XRP to enrich themselves and ruin the lives of everyday people. “And we want to help the millions of families that have been utterly destroyed...”
Ripple executives visiting a Bay Area kindergarten class Thursday to attempt to head off the bad press surrounding Crypto Bitlord and Tone Vays' new children's book 'Ripple Scammed Daddy'.
The online crypto personalities have told XRP_Productions they are not trying to make money off of the book, but rather spread awareness of “the nefarious, demonic, satanic forces behind Ripple and XRP.”
“Ripple token is not only evil, but useless,” said Vays, who also released a Masterclass on the digital asset earlier this year. “What does anyone need it for? Why don't people just change dollars for pesos??”
Days after being detained on charges of SEC violations, tax evasion and willful failure to file tax returns, software tycoon and crypto advocate John McAfee escaped from authorities, reportedly claiming that the real culprit of his accused crimes was a one-armed man.
“I didn't enrich myself personally by promoting those shitcoin ICO's,” said McAfee, calling XRP_Productions reporters from an unidentified payphone. “I'm telling you again—it was the one-armed man!!”
John McAfee being held at gunpoint by federal authorities at the edge of a reservoir dam. The crypto-fugitive flung himself into the waters below to avoid going back into captivity.
A nationwide manhunt has since been initiated, with scorned ICO investors joining FBI and state authorities in the pursuit.
“When I find that SOB,” said Leonard Mingus, a crypto investor fooled by a 2018 McAfee-promoted token, “I'm gonna make him eat his own... Oh, wait... he already did that himself, didn't he?”
*Don't get the one-armed man reference? Coil subscribers can see the source of this satire below**...*
Acquiescing to fervent critics who were angered by their recent stance that their employees should just focus on their actual jobs while at work, cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase decided to shift their attention to 100% political activism Friday.
“I was wrong, and I'm woke enough to admit it,” said Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong to XRP_Productions reporters. “How callous of me to expect my employees to work toward achieving the company's business plan in exchange for their previously-agreed-upon salary... it's un-American when you really think about it, right?”
Dozens of Coinbase employees showing up to work Friday morning after the business, formerly a cryptocurrency exchange, decided to transform itself into a full-fledged political activism firm.
The fledgling activism company has already confirmed hundreds of issues it will be initially encouraging its employees to champion, with hundreds more waiting in the wings.
“It will be the most powerful and salient politically-inspired cacophony a private company has ever produced,” said Armstrong, a tear slowly rolling down his cheek. “We'll be out of f*cking business by next Tuesday, of course, but nonetheless...”
Coil subscribers can see a special message from this article's author, Herb Gimbels, below...
**[... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.
Opening up to XRP the Standard Productions in an exclusive interview Monday, Ripple CTO David Schwartz revealed that he actually began his career at the blockchain payments company as a simple janitor.
“I worked the night shift,” said the formerly down-on-his-luck custodian with a 210 IQ level, “and I kept seeing a chalkboard with an unsolved Ripplenet/XRP Ledger problem on it—they were having trouble figuring it out... so I helped them.”
The clever Schwartz continued silently solving problems that were left on the board, soon being spotted by a late-working CEO Chris Larsen.
“I recognized his utter brilliance immediately,” said Larsen, “but also his emotional instability from his troubled past...”
A young David Schwartz (right) with Arthur Britto, the mentor that Chris Larsen enlisted to help the savant with his psychological problems.
The talented Mr. Schwartz admitted that, though challenging, his years at Ripple altered his life in a significantly positive way.
“Especially when I met my wife at a company party,” said Schwartz. “That Ivy League jerk Brad Garlinghouse was hitting on her... I had to put him in his place, then I got her number! How do you like them apples?”
*Coil subscribers can see a special message from this article's writer, Herb Gimbels, below**...*
In what is being called the most gargantuan and world-changing merger in technology and fintech history, blockchain payments company Ripple and world-megapower Apple joined forces Friday to form the new techno-payment company “Rapple.”
“World: Say hello to my new partner,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at a special event in Los Angeles, welcoming Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse who slid out on stage with great panache. “And get ready to 'think different' once again!”
Video clip of 'XRP in 2 Minutes' played on stage by Apple CEO Tim Cook to explain how they can harness the XRP Ledger to send any value across the globe trustlessly in seconds. The giant corporation joined forces with blockchain payments company Ripple Friday to form the exciting new company “Rapple.”
The innovative new firm will reportedly move forward quickly to revolutionize global payments, utilizing the digital asset XRP to send cheap and friction-free payments around the world through what will be called “Rapplenet.”
“The old world was shackled to Nostro-Vostro, wire-transfer infrastructure,” said Cook, arm-in-arm on stage with Garlinghouse. “But the old world is about to take a long, cold journey in a horse and buggy...”
*Coil subscribers can see what long, cold journey Tim Cook was referring to below**...*
**[... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.
Shocking attendees at a recent Bay Area rally for the blockchain payments company, Ripple's General Counsel Stuart Alderoty took a knee during the national anthem Wednesday to protest the lack of proper cryptocurrency regulations in the United States.
“I'm a proud, patriotic American,” said Alderoty to XRP_Productions reporters. “And I always have been. But I can no longer stand by silently as this country refuses to provide crypto regulatory clarity.”
Excerpt of a2019 CNN article by Stuart Alderotyexpressing his concerns about the lack of proper US crypto regulations. The Ripple General Counsel has moved on to peaceful protests about the matter.
Police were called later in the evening when Alderoty was seen smashing the window of a nearby Cadillac Escalade. After being briefly detained, the attorney was released when no wrongdoing was found.
“It's okay, everyone, it's okay,” said Alderoty to a gathered crowd. “The Escalade is mine... locked my damn keys inside.”
*Coil subscribers can see which CELEBRITY ATHLETE is also taking a knee in protest of poor US crypto regs below**...*
**[... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.
Laying out a detailed prediction which was overflowing with irrefutable evidence Tuesday, the anonymous creator of crypto-news outlet XRP the Standard Productions proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the digital asset XRP would soon be valued at $1,000 in an hour-long interview with YouTube personality Jerry Hall.
“I never would have believed it before,” said Hall, stunned by the brilliant simplicity of the prediction, “but now I truly have zero doubt.”
In a surprise twist, the two were joined by Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse and European Central Bank President Christine Lagarde, who called in on a party line in the last half of the video to corroborate the $1,000 prognostication.
“Long time listener, first time caller,” said Lagarde to Hall. “The XRP Productions creator is as correct as he is witty, charming, and handsome... XRP will surely be $1,000 soon...”
Appearing on ABC's This Week with George Stephanopoulos Sunday, popular Twitter personality Crypto_Bitlord administered a savage attack on blockchain payments company Ripple and the digital currency they promote, XRP, calling both “total scams.”
“They're f*cking SCAMS, George, it's f*cking OBVIOUS,” said Bitlord, brandishing a knife and twitching and writhing during the interview. “Ripple is dumping BILLIONS of this XRP sh*t CONSTANTLY! Time for a CLASS ACTION!”
September 15th tweet that Crypto Bitlord presented as “hard f*cking evidence” that Ripple/XRP is a scam on This Week with George Stephanopoulos.
The interview ended after five minutes when the online personality began shaking, lit up two cigarettes simultaneously and seemed to have his attention diverted.
“Squirrel!” said Bitlord, running out of view. “SQUIRREL!!”
**[...CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.
In a shocking revelation with gargantuan implications Monday, cryptocurrency exchange-goliath Coinbase will reportedly be listing the VeChain token VET “very soon”—at least that's what we think our reporter was saying to us over the poor cellphone connection when he was hiding inside the air duct in Coinbase's San Francisco headquarters.
“Hu— news!” said Senior Investigative Reporter Herb Gimbels to XRP_Productions' Editor-in-Chief Clay Finkelstein, his phone cutting in and out. “Coi—ase... is lis-ing Ve——n very soon! This is enor—— -ews! Unbe—-able!”
Air duct within the Coinbase San Francisco office headquarters that XRP_Productions investigative reporter Herb Gimbels was squeezed into when he broke the story of their VET listing, which we are pretty sure about... kind of... his phone was breaking up quite a bit, to be honest.
Gimbels released other shocking pieces of information, at least we are pretty sure he did, including Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong's fondness for bouncing a rubber ball off office walls and air ducts while he works.
“That son-of-a-b—— won't stop bounc—– that bal-,” said Gimbels, his phone breaking up badly. “He's hit me i- th- nuts li— five times alr—dy! Asshole!”
Coil subscribers can see a special message from investigative reporter Herb Gimbels below
**[... and CLICK HERE for more stories the main stream crypto news media is AFRAID to tell. You're welcome, world.
John McAfee Escapes Custody, Blames One-Armed Man for Crimes
