CBC

Today is August 6 11: 08 a.m.

(Wrote this yesterday)

It's a cool summer day. A fresh bay breeze blowing through. I feel as if it's a bland day. I have been struggling in my mind and starting to adapt to my new environment. I'm not sure how to move forward. My depression has been getting the best out of me. I have been trying to better myself on my own. Through support group central, as well as literature and started a new regiment of meds Zyprexa. For example I started reading 7 promises of the promise keepers. The book explains that for you to be successful in life, you need 3 types of people to whom you trust. You need a Timothy, a Paul, and a Barnabas. #1 A Timothy is an elder who you can seek guidance and advice from. Someone who's been through, most, if not all.  #2 A, Paul is someone that you can trust to call you out on your B S. A soul brother. A road dog. And #3 a Barnabas, someone you can mentor yourself cause them to learn from your mistakes so they don't stumble on the same stone you stumbled on yourself. 

So I've always had an issue I have no control over. I call it the 3 road blocks

1* I don't like asking for help from strangers or anyone for that matter. 2* When people offer help it makes me feel very uncomfortable.3* I also don't like accepting help. Still figuring out that one.

So today I'm proud for I have chosen my mentor. He is a military veteran. Marine Corps pilot. Vietnam vet. Peter Q, sponsored me on my baptism on Father's Day this year. The way I see it by doing so Christ Jesus legally adopted me. So now I have the greatest of father's. So I hope this will be a step towards tearing down the 3 road blocks. In hopes of receiving advice from someone my wife and I both respect. As for Paul I have found someone. Only thing is he respects all life so fishing and firing range might be out of the question. Flyn “Q” is his name. Only problem I don't want to self sabotage and I'm afraid misery might find a way to take away what I value the most. Family, truth, equality. Without prejudice, or judgment. He has experienced close death encounter so he understands. He has seen the afterlife as well. He also seeks the truth. Only one left is Barnabas. All in due time. Today is a small step towards Order above chaos. Wish me luck.

GOD IS GOOD

By CBC

Today is August 7th 2022 and It's 5:45 a.m.  Seems to be a chilly night with a bit of humidity. Which I find odd since it being the end of summer. I've been living in my mind for the most part of the day. Realizing questions I have that only a certified specialist might be able to shed some light on.  Unfortunately thanks to the pandemic.  They are in high demand these days therefore I have been told I'm on the waiting list for therapy.  For example, my inner voice I hear when I'm reading, well before my repressed memory resurfaced it used to sound of that is a adolescent young kid.  When I would voice record myself so I can write it down later.  I would not recognize my voice because it did not sound in comparison when I would hear myself speak out loud.  Now that it is no longer repressed my inner voice now sounds of that of an adult.  I developed the capability to play music in my mind, at will. So long as I remember the lyrics and melody to go along with it.  I imagine all adults can do that, but it's new to me.  I can also sing the lyrics to a song I know while I write down what I'm thinking or copying from my screen at the same time.  It's almost as if that kind of trauma at a very early age ( 4 or 5) stunts or stops your mental capabilitie from maturing to that of an adult mental state.  I also recognize my dysfunctional behavior more actively and try to correct it. I  can meditate for long periods of time. Which was impossible before.  Could barely sit still. I also now realize I need a plan to accomplish goals in life since I have a late start 35 years too late since I realized what trauma clouded my judgment. I now choose to better myself so I can reach my max potential before I expire. I wonder to myself if anyone has cataloged or a better understanding of what I am experiencing. According to my behavioral health counselor from San Joaquin county.  Who saved my life by the way.  “ once your trauma clicks with your behavior that's when you start healing.” He also told me this, and I quote “ People are what they are, not because of you, they are how they want to be and neither you nor anyone else has the authority to change them.  If you feel affected by them, You have to set the limits/ bounderies, to know located yourself, to know how to say “No,” and only allow them to talk to you with mutual respect as a requirement.  The management of your emotions is not in others hands... it is in YOU. Do not use your smart mind to try to know, “why they are like that”... Very smart man.  He is very wise.  He was right. Thank you Ivan Aguilar.  You truly saved my life with your therapy.  GOD BLESS YOU!

Sunday May, 08 2022 6:54

“Excuse My Language”

Lyrics to a song I'm writing. (🧀)

Not giving a fuck, getting stuck off the skunk, I gives a fuck. I'll throw Satan in the trunk. Cuz the devil ain't shit. Nothing but a lil bitch. Slap him in the face make him run to his mommies tit. I'm about to throw a fit. Even though life ain't fair, I still like to share, cuz I'm a NORTHERN CALI BEAR. I miss being afraid, so you know I don't scare. it's my burden to bare. I'll do what most wouldn't dare. Trying to do the right thing always seems to be wrong. I'm tired of this broken record that's why I'm changing this song while I reach for my bong. All I know since accepting CHRIST I died weak and the ALL MIGHTY resurrected me strong. I try to stay positive but it makes me feel uncomfortable, when surrounded by those who never really SHARED struggle. All they care about is the hustle, being “all about their money”. People like that are funny, so I laugh at them for being dummies. So society will call me menace, if they haven't already. But I ain't tripping I'm always ready. Suited and booted. A psychopath for Christ, connecting me to God. Doing the best with with I have so I don't ever get caught. All my life, I've always fought with my my own fatal thoughts. Wish one day it will finally stop. But Christ legally adopted me never realizing I've always had my Pops. I'm not embarrassed to let the tears drop. Each one representing loved ones that I lost. So I'm here to put the HOOD on the map, R.I.P OSCAR GRANT. Representing PALMA CEIA PARK, WEST SIDE HAYWARD LIKE WHAAAT. That's the heart of the Bay. Growing up never knowing which way I would end my day. “Left on my own at 16 being told, you can't go but you can't stay”. Shit I didn't know what the fuck to say. Now that I'm grown I've realized why legal guardians are so afraid. Of me , from the P.C Eventually that debt owed to me will have to get paid but to God not me. So I'll just stay out the way. For the goal after this life is meeting Yaw-Weh. So I'm always relaxing, always steady packing. Punk get out of line, and you know he'll get smacking. I'm trying to catch up so I don't get caught laggin. You can always hear me laughin, while the joint I'm always passin. For I'll always rebel against those who impose, always trying to pose for their selfie. Looking like a bunch of hoes. I tend to stay away from those. Most can't hang with that I bang on mud dragging, Demons through Christ. I look to compromise in life. It's all about rolling the dice. Nothing in life is nice, without sacrifice. I don't even like pie but I still need a slice. Only true soldier I know was my wife. Piece of mind remembering how she fought by my side. Eventually that anguish will subside. For I can't afford her happiness. The price is too high. So I have make sure that she finds the guy that can provide that price, her being the prize. No hard feeling, no hurt pride. For anyone fucks with her, there will be a missing person, I swear that on my life. Just look into my eyes and you'll see I'm not lying as I howl at the moon feeling like a great lion. For all that bull shit you selling, I ain't even buying. No one will tell truth if have something to lose. Always lying until facing death. They always start crying. Seeing the pain in they're face. When life escapes they're eyes. So I just close mine as to not witness demise. That will corrupt any mind. If you don't believe me look at mine, which was lost but now found putting lyrics to this this beast. Getting ready to fucking pounce. Growing up learning from the OG's. Grams to pounds. But I've changed my ways because that's not real me. Just another version created by the neglect and prejudice of society. They wouldn't understand what resides from within me. Which will resurface if you begin to threaten me. Only then they'll call that number trying to eradicate those like me. Is this my fault! For I was just a baby no one really cared for. Now I've been declared 5150 X4 last 2 being non-voluntarily after a 3 hour stand off with authorities. I am labeled illegal so the law always apply's to me. So I live my life outside of it. The choice wasn't made by me. May we all rest in peace. By CBC

MIND OVER BODY, SOUL OVER MIND, HEART OVER ALL. COURAGE IS KEY 🗝️. TO THE KINGDOM FOR ALL. HOLY FATHER ABOVE ALL.

What can I do when I've lost my beautiful girl, to witch craft in the those practicing the dark arts in her? Anyone help please. They tell me it's to late. Her soul was drawn out . 2 people energy drained her at the same time without realizing it. Fuck I miss my beautiful girl. Her eyes are glazed and glossy. Only feel anger and fright!

I believe they point Reyes is not what it seems. Allot of practitioners of ritual offerings to false idols and practioners of dark arts to which Everytime i Triumph over evil in mind in soul all for the strive of making God proud of me through Christ. Which i feel his Devine light for i was convinced in a ill manner in a dark ritual to inherited the dark gift which i want no part of to begin with. Dark gift being the ability to derive knowledge, behavioral traits, by unlocking information due to suffering similar trauma as my ancestors did. Tapping into memories from genetic makers from my geno code. Left by my my ancestors. To which many practitioners of dark arts begin to feed of my opening of third eye through Christ. I feel it draining our holy energy to where we can i can barley breath and cramp up when it's gone. My wife and I we were very happy. Now she is practicing dark arts in false idols. “Oshh—ooua” the evil goddess of hoodoo. The one that caused another servant to cut off her ears? I don't recognize her anymore. Found a book work words as “ more sin more forgiveness” and “forth way followers” advertisment with a demons name on the flyer. A book in my wife's possession with sentences mocking the Bible like for example, “ the Bible is groovy” it's for old folks”. Now my wife Lorena is gone and i don't see her when I stare into her eyes as she used the Bible as a weapon. I found a bingo lotto ticket she used as book mark in the Bible we were gifted from a Lutheran pastor. She is now in a very negative tone and sentiment. My name is Cesar, I'm Not at the vineyards past up the hill At 12800 hwy 1 point Reyes station California house on the right #4. The landlord is a narcissistic sociopath whom I've declared war on. Didn't realize they warship the pyramid with the eye. Fuck the Illuminati? Fuck what do I do when I can't trust anyone. This 2 jobs have gas lite us twice. Never experienced that before. Second time my wife and I got job offers on the same week and the following week were cancelled on the same day at the same time in separate job locations. I don't know how to defend against whatever this is S.O.S i know that book was filled with sinister spirits. Because when i burned it they attacked me in my dreams, and in my mind

(🧀)

I've been diagnosed schizoaffective. Psychopath ( B Cluster) with hyper active adrenal gland and developed a taste for neural nectar through multiple experiences psychological , emotional trauma. My mother a dark woman who never bothered to registered me at birth. Neglect causing repressed memory of abuse. (PTSD) Intelligent Highest score on exit exam from my 2003 class I'm Hayward California. Eric Cartman from King middle school. Oscar Grant, ( fruit- ville Station) Jon Tie, Jordan Fumar, José Sánchez, Fernando aka Payaso R.I.P all passed away because the hood. One way or another. Palma Ceía Park West Side Hayward. Victims who rebel against society. I take down tyrants who bully and oppress and am proud of my trophies case. I consider myself a Californian who just fully surrendered and realized Christ Jesus legally adopted at birth so I Had a father the whole time. That's just how much my inability to distinguish between traumas clouded my judgment. Due to no registration at birth I have no form of ID. There for in the governments eyes I don't exist. I just found out a year or 2 I have 2 first names. My mother moved allot and changed my name through or my childhood. I'm trying to create a podcast to debate 1%ers. Voice my concerns and following in the footsteps of the African Americans which have already triumphed what I go through. All lives matter not just American Citizens. Why is there not a nation for those who have no inherited nation. Outcasts, outlaws. Those who are considered living and breathing contraband labeled as intruders and given the title “illegal aliens”. My blog ( Insight into mental illness declared 5150 4 times).

A petitioner started a year ago for screening for mental illness in high school just as they do for scoliosis. Hopefully somebody signs it this time attached with my suicide letter.

https://www.change.org/p/unified-school-district-mandatory-screening-for-mental-illness-during-high-school-just-like-they-do-for-scoliosis

Write.As/CBC/

“False expectations”

Today is October 28th 2021 and it's 4:01 a.m. This has been a very upsetting and tragic time. The thing I fretted of losing this supposed “dream” job and beautiful home has become a reality. I feel torn from my wife. I have been terminated because of my mental illness. Only a month after returning from a broken ankle I suffered at work. I have been having problems with my wife because a co worker has been coming over my home and contently informing her of my conflicts with management. As well as complaints on certain aspects of work due to my voicing my opinion having to familiarize myself with the cows being milked since I've just recuperated and freshly back from a broken ankle I suffered at work. She would then argue with me telling me to stop standing up for myself and just stay quite. To which I responded negatively. Well we are now considering separating after 18 years. The lack of therapy for both of us and the depression for her being alone while I'm at work since it's 6 days a week split shift meaning I could dedicate 36 hours a week aside from my day off which I pretty much slept through. That has directly caused us to slowly unravelled the foundation that couples therapy had built over past year. It's been very difficult to find a therapist here in Marin county. The fact that we are separating caused me to suffer from severe depression to which I had a depressive psychotic episode in which I missed my last shift at the end of my work week. I went to the clinic the following day. So unfortunately I missed 1 shift. Well the next day which happen to be my day off after returning from the clinic the the owner pulled up after me and she handed me an envelope to which contained a check for $56.00 since my wages were garnished for owned taxes to the government. $600+ to be exact. My whole last check. I did not fully comprehend what was going on. Then about an hour later I received a text from the owners husband telling me “ you no longer work here, please make arrangements for the housing provided will be needed for replacement employee. I couldn't believe it. According to the fair housing and disabilities act there are supposed to be accommodations made for I am legally declared severely disabled by the state of California. I guess I don't get such luxuries due to my lack in legal residency. The thing is my mother never register me at birth there for I don't exist in the governments eyes. Not even a Mexican citizen. To make things worse they have made it clear I'm not wanted nor welcome since they followed me up the hill with their high beams on me and followed me all the way to my home and remained parked in front. I had to close the blinds so my wife would not notice. Didn't move for 10 minutes. Now they want my wife and I to go back to living in our vehicle since we have until the end of October to be out of this home. Mind you I was terminated on the 8th of this month. Why is there always unwarranted misplaced animosity towards me where ever I go. My deeds which are pure intentions are always repaid in a negative manor. So I have interviews and possible employment here in point reyes station CA. Yet it almost seems as if my ex employers are trying to make it so that we have no choice but to leave town. There have been employees who have been terminated yet allowed to remain in the homes so long as rent is paid. Why can't I do the same? I have funding to cover 2 months of rent. Yet they won't accept it. I am truly being treated unfairly and my poor wife has to endure it by my side. SMH. I will not stand for it. I will stand my ground and I will not falter. I guess misery found a way to take away from me what I feared the most. My wife. My 3 curses in life. #1Family, #2Truth, and #3Equality. I've never known how those 3 feel for I have no kin nor heritage nor even know the name of my biological father. So now I bow my head and pray and ask God in the name of Jesus Christ to give us the strength to triumph over this nightmare set forth in front of us in order to remain vigilant on the road to righteousness in the strive for progress for all those who have no ill will towards anyone, for we are the ones who suffer the most in the world yet, we are the ones who can and will become the strongest through a righteous cause if God sees fit in the everyday battle in ones mind, and ones life, in the war of living a fully successful life. For if you are weak at heart this world will surely corrupt you. And to those that do have ill will towards others, please Lord help them change they're ways in order for they're salvation to become possible through redemption through the sacrifice your son Jesus Christ gave his life for, as I learn to forgive those who sin against my wife and I, just as we are forgiven for our sins by our Holy Father. In your name we pray for ever and ever, Amen. We will rise for I don't have it in me to quit. Mind over Body, Soul over Mind, Heart over All.

“False expectations”

Today is October 28th 2021 and it's 4:01 a.m. This has been a very upsetting and tragic time. The thing I fretted of losing this dream job and home has been torn from my wife and I. I have been terminated because of my mental illness. Only a month after returning from a broken ankle I suffered at work. I have been having problems with my wife because a co worker has been coming over my home and contently informing her of my conflicts with management. As well as complaints on certain aspects of work due to my voicing my opinion having to familiarize myself with the cows being milked since I've just recuperated and freshly back from a broken ankle I suffered at work. She would then argue with me telling me to stop standing up for myself and just stay quite. To which I responded negatively. Well we are now considering separating after 18 years. The lack of therapy for both of us and the depression for her being alone while I'm at work since it's 6 days a week spilt shift meaning I could dedicate 36 hours a week aside from my day off which I pretty much slept through. That has directly caused us to slowly unravelled the foundation that couples therapy had built over past year. It's been very difficult to find a therapist here in Marin county. The fact that we are separating caused me to suffer from severe depression to which I had a depressive psychotic episode in which I missed my last shift at the end of my work week. I went to the clinic the following day. So unfortunately I missed 1 shift. Well the next day which happen to be my day off after returning from the clinic the the owner pulled up after me and she handed me an envelope to which contained a check for $56.00 since my wages were garnished for owned taxes to the government. $600+ to be exact. My whole last check. I did not fully comprehend what was going on. Then about an hour later I received a text from the owners husband telling me “ you no longer work here, please make arrangements for the housing provided will be needed for replacement employee. I couldn't believe it. According to the fair housing and disabilities act there are supposed to be accommodations made for I am legally declared severely disabled by the state of California. I guess I don't get such luxuries due to my lack in legal residency. The thing is my mother never register me at birth there for I don't exist in the governments eyes. Not even a Mexican citizen. To make things worse they have made it clear I'm not wanted nor welcome since they followed me up the hill with their high beams on me and followed me all the way to my home and remained parked in front. I had to close the blinds so my wife would not notice. Didn't move for 10 minutes. Now they want my wife and I to go back to living in our vehicle since we have until the end of October to be out of this home. Mind you I was terminated on the 8th of this month. Why is there always unwarranted misplaced animosity towards me where ever I go. My deeds which are pure intentions are always repaid in a negative manor. So I have interviews and possible employment here in point reyes station CA. Yet it almost seems as if my ex employers are trying to make it so that we have no choice but to leave town. There have been employees who have been terminated yet allowed to remain in the homes so long as rent is paid. Why can't I do the same. I have funding to cover 2 months of rent. Yet they won't accept it. I am truly being treated unfairly and my poor wife has to endure it by my side. SMH. I will not stand for it. I will stand my ground and I will not fault er. I guess misery found a way to take away from me what I feared the most. My wife. My 3 cursed in life. Family, Truth, and Equality. I've never known how those 3 feel for I have no kin nor heritage nor the name of my biological father. So now I bow my head and pray and ask God in the name of Jesus Christ to give us the strength to triumph over this nightmare set forth in front of us in order to remain vigilant on the road to righteousness in the strive for progress for all those who have no ill will towards anyone for we are the ones who suffer the most in the world yet, we are the ones who can and will become the strongest through a righteous cause if God sees fit in the everyday battle in ones mind and ones life in the war of living a fully successful life. For if you are weak at heart this world will surely corrupt you. And to those that do have ill will towards others, please Lord help them change they're ways in order for they're salvation be possible through redemption for the sacrifice your son Jesus Christ gave his life for, as I learn to forgive those who sin against my wife and I, just as we are forgivin for our sins by our Holy Father. In your name we pray for ever and ever, Amen. We will rise for I don't have it in me to quit. Mind over Body, Soul over Mind, Heart over All.

Today I my wife and I gave to those who suffer the loss or struggle with Cancer. In honor of my Grandmother Inez Bravo and my wife's uncle Julio Navarro. Rest in peace.

https://kapwi.ng/c/bqZEoz7E

Halting Progress

Today is July 20th and it's 9:22 p.m. It's been a hard couple weeks and I've damn near stretched myself beyond my means. Work started great yet a curve ball came out of no where as per usual. In the form of a sudden schedule change. Normally I was given Fridays off but then suddenly it was switched to wednesday. It was switched due to another employee that requested Friday Saturday and Sunday off. So I took Wednesday off and work split shift all through until the following Friday. Only problem is work week went from six days to eight days. Either from Thursday July 1st everyday until Friday July 9th. Then the following work week went from a six day work week to a seven day work week. From Saturday July 10th until July 16th. So my only days of were on Wednesday June 30th, Friday July 9th, and Saturday July 17th. Only 3 days of rest and 20 work days. Then I requested a wrong day due to lack of rest and physical exhaustion. After a week like that the days become indistinguishable and become a blur. 1 day in between is not enough, or so it feels like. Anyone who has worked split shift knows that after the fifth or sixed day you become dependant on muscle memory because you miss little details that a well rested fresh employee normally wouldn't. This being my first month and not having a full knowledge on procedures on this dairy farm for it's my first organic free range farm. Of coarse tragedy happened when the grain stopped functioning for the whole month of July Yet I was held responsible for something I couldn't have possibly known due to lack of management. I seriously tried to ask for assistance yet none came in time. Since then things worse. For example machinery and equipment failing. Constant struggle with rebellious aggressive cows that are not happy if there is no grain. For will not walk nor respond without it. And I strictly don't hit the cows PERIOD. It's very frustrating. Very overwhelming and physically taxing. Lack of sleep due to the stress as well the concern of losing this lovely home caused me to lose sleep and depend on caffeine and energy drinks. I try to get flow of things as quick as possible. I'm starting to wonder if employees focus on my personality attributes instead of my accomplishments. I am currently diagnosed bipolar schitzo effective and have been labeled severely disabled by the state of California. Although management has not been kind to my situation. So lack of rest and understanding has left me in a state of high alert which causes me to become as aware of my surroundings. PTSD from the realization of a repressed memory of being sexually abused at the age of five. Not only that but I've noticed a lot of strange behavior towards me as of late. I like to speak to the cows while I milk and I've caught my co workers having their kid translate what I'm saying since the do not understand English to well. Talk about instilling a narcissistic mind set. So I finally somewhat snapped. I informed management of the situation of my lack management within the employees because there is no reception so cell service is limited. I suggested walkie talkies which fell on deaf ears. All since I've informed all management of my mental illness yet no accommodations were made. Everything that could go, has gone wrong only worsening my mood and situation. Very unfair. Well today things seemed to have an upside. I'm sure now that a single employee is behind it all. Due to the fact that said employee has been asking peculiar questions, mostly about narcotics that completely irrelevant to our current conversation. I also feel as if it is all due to this beautiful home that we have been blessed with. As if I am undeserving when in reality I work my ass of to maintain. So this short but sweet and straight to the point paragraph is just in hopes ease my mind to rest in the form of expressing myself in a non combative way. Hope all goes well and again thank you God in the name the name of Jesus Christ for continuing to give me strength to triumph over any obstacle the UnWorthy One has set forth in my wife's and I path in order to remain vigilant on the road to Righteousness in strive for progress for those who have no ill will towards anyone, for we are the ones who suffer the most in this world yet we can and will become the strongest through a righteous cause if God see's fit. Mind over body, Soul over Mind, Heart over all.

CBC (🧀)