Insight into mental illness. Bipolar Schitzo effective

Trauma Clouds Judgement, Perception, and ability to ask for Help.

Definition Of Intrusive?

Today is May 4th and it 3:38p.m. Its a very intrusive day. That is my current perception my trauma still clouds my judgement. Constantly being questioned, PERIOD caused me to become incredibly irritable. Worse part is, my wife gets the worst of it because of her being used as a way of relaying information between myself and others. Actually compromising  her progress. Allot trauma clouding her judgement as well. The fact that she doesn't have any realization There in lies the dilema. She never asks herself why? Someone or something always in the way halting progress in the name of vanity. That is true. In the name of vanity. I never realized that I perceive intrusion in different forms or manor. I tend to perceive intrusion in an unconventional manor. I tend to put it under a microscope , magnify X100, and focus, focus, focus. Never realized I did that. So how do cease with this behavior. That is  just how much my trauma still clouds my judgement. Whether I realize it or not at the time. I believe ones sub conscience is thier right, sound mind trapped beneath layers of trauma trying to break threw. My subconscious is different. It picks up everything, even if I don't catch it at the time. I have the gift of connecting memory recall with emotion. Didn't even realize that existed until I watched a video about Jim Quick, the guy with the broken brain. Ive been doing it my whole life never realizing it. All the Bravos side of my family are all intelligent. My aunt is a teacher. Cousin graduated from Santa Barbera, Cousin Ruben from University of Guadalajara, Cousin Joel is a Software engineer, cousin Eric is an a business man, and Marcela I believe went to College. So it runs in my blood. The Castillo side is where the mental illness originated from. My Grandfather was an alcoholic who was known to cheat on my grandma. He moved in with his girlfriend a month after she passed away from breast cancer. R.I.P “Ines Bravo”. She was my first role modal. Ever! My Grandmother was very stern, and was very strong in character. No flaws in character. She was the first to come to my aid. The first one I was able to run if I felt I needed protection. Even from my mother and step father. My grandma used to strike my mother when I was being abused in any manor. Very honorable woman. Only thing is I can't seem to remember ever seeing her smile. Anyways back to grandpa, On his way home from the bar he used to claim that he would see types of farm animals with fire coming out thier nose and glowing red eyes. I believe that is where it transfered to my mother. Which then transferred to all of us. Me, my sister, my brother despite having different fathers. That is what I am piecing together my family tree. For genetic genome purposes in my new theory of evolution. Now my reason for despising Intrusion was unknown to me until recent epiphany. Now this is my definition of my perception of the meaning of intrusion. Treason, Espionage, Betrayal, Untrust worthy, Violation, Trespassing, Conspiring, Being Deceitful, Manipulation. Collection of information for future benefit of a hidden agenda, Stealing someones most private thoughts. That is just how much my trauma still clouds my judgement. This is a new twist in what is the labyrinth that is my life and mind Always something new to which catches me off guard. I have now learned I must focus on what I know to be true. MIND over BODY, SOUL over MIND, HEART OVER ALL! THE RAIN FALLS ON THE JUST AND UNJUST ALIKE. Its who you are and what you decide to harness that sets you apart. Cause and Effect. Reaction to actions. Perfect example. The reaction to Jesus Christ, Book of Job, and San Benito the Hermit saint, all thier actions are still influencing me to this day. That's how powerful they're actions were. And that's how powerful my actions must be. Always in the name of Others that have no ill will towards anyone for they suffer the most in this world. Because they are prayed upon by tyrants. No one does the moral right thing these days. Society Conventional standards is different from civilization. Civilized mentality doesn't fit in society. Because in society someone is always pulling the strings. Yet in civilization everyone must be civil in a civilized state of mind. Thinking of each others interests and not our own. Well this is another look into my mind, psyche, soul, life, and experiences. So now I give thanks to God in the name of Jesus Christ for giving me the courage for triumphing over any obstacle the mud dragger has set forth in my path today in Order to remain Vigilant on the road to Righteousness in the strive for Progress for all who have no ill will towards anyone for they are the ones who suffer the most in this life. AMEN. In the everyday battle. In the ultimate war of living a fully successful life. For that is exactly how it is for those who's mind has been labeled “ill”. Anyone who's mind is labeled ill is nothing more then someone who's suffered so much that it activated their self defence mechanism. Think of that next time you see someone speaking to someone who seems they haven't groomed and is speaking to someone who is not there. For they have suffered more then you in this world.

Insight Into Mental Illness

Order above Chaos

My Wifes 18th Anniversary

Today is May 5th 2021 and it is 6:10 p.m. It is a very bright, calm, warm day. A day that inspires optimism in form of a boost of moral and unforseen blessing. I Bought my wife her first diamond engagement ring. Only half a ct genuine diamond. It might not be luxurious, but it will still endure for many life times. I have always wanted to do right by my wife. Yet because of my lack in residency, ID, and no fathers name on my birth certificate, which caused it to be rejected in every court house from Hayward, Oakland, even Reno. I have never been able to marry her officially and make her my wife. Yet i felt it was the least I can do since I owe her my life. I gave her the ring on May 5th at 12:06 a.m. I was too excided to wait until sun up. So I felt as conventional standards for quality of living. A house should be the next step. Well Ya Weh blessed me in the form of a email from a Dairy Farm I tried out few years ago. About for or five months ago I thought I should reach out. Figured it wouldn't hurt trying. Well, I got the job today, and to top it off it comes with a house. All is well in the universe. So now I give God thanks for giving my wife and I the strength to triump over most if not all the obstacles that the UnWorthy One has set forth in our path in order to remain vigilant on the road to Righteousness in the strive for progress for all who have no ill will towards anyone. For they the ones who suffer the most in this world. So now in the Labyrinth that is my wife and I Minds, Souls, and Lives seems to be coming towards the first of chapter in the happily ever after portion of our journey in this plain of existences we perceive as life on Earth. So now I am finally gaining ground in the everyday battle in my mind. In the war of living a fully successful life.The tide has turned Chaos is fleeing the battlefield. Order is now charging forward. And how do you bring Order to a chaotic mind you ask? Only in the form of discipline. So focused discipline only threw balance equals progress. Any fine tuned mechanism must have proper balance. Equilibrium is key. Whether it is a combustion engine, turbine or the human condition. None would last without stability in the form of balance and consistency. So remember the rain falls on the just, and unjust alike. And when it rains, it pours. It's who you are, and what you decide to harness that sets you apart. So it is key. MIND over BODY, SOUL over MIND, and most importantly. HEART OVER ALL. Let me tell you why. MIND over BODY represents my illness's power over my body. SOUL over MIND represents my connection with God. And HEART over all means never forget who you are because this world will easily corrupt if are weak at heart. Yet it is impossible to make this journey called life alone. For every King needs a Queen. So remember the Queen is the strongest piece on the chess board. So as long as you surround yourself with positive intelligent people. Good things will happen. So you must always you offer your loved ones a seat next to you at the dinner table. If so, all will always fall into place. God Bless to all, and to all a good night. For today I witnessed a miracle.


Insight into mental illness “Rage”

Today is Saturday May 1st, 2021. It is 5:18 a.m and It feels like a warm night with plenty of humidity in the air. Enough to know we are in for a very warm weekend. I haven't slept all night. I lay here next to my wife in the dark. Careful not to awaken her for that always causes her anxiety. Anytime I lose sleep over something she becomes very afraid. Not for her own well being, for I will never do anything to harm her, but for everyone else's well being. She is right to protect her loved ones from me when I shift into what I have learned to call my righteous state of mind. In that mindset I perceive those who have not accepted Christ into their lives as Heathens. I perceive humans to be Godless creatures, and feel the impulse to protect all innocence from negative energy. Only way to transfer negative energy is in the form of abuse. Regardless of the type. Whether it's in the form of neglect, verbal, emotional, physical, psychological, or sexual abuse. All are considered an abomination to God. I now realize that I had a rage fueled psychotic episode a few weeks back. Which caused me to dwell on events and occurrences that have long since passed. Ended up arguing with law enforcement for about 3 hours which lead to my hospitalization and readmitted into crisis mental health. Non voluntary stay. 3rd time I've been declared 5150. I've been diagnosed Schitzo- effective with psychotic features. I have been re-accepted into my in laws family again yet I have trouble letting go of the past for it causes me distress. Also causes me to have the inability to let them in and trust them again. Not for me, but for the emotional and psychological trauma it has cause my loving wife over the years. Her family's inability to comprehend my mental illness caused them to fear me. Therefore as predictable human behavior dictates, what is misunderstood is feared, and by typical human response in it's usual attempts to either manipulate and control or if all fails, eradicate. Usually by then a committee is formed in order to construct a method of doing so in a manor disguised as good intentions or concern. Yet the concern was never for me. It was only for my wife. Yet despite all attempts to cause my wife to falter and leave my side has only brought us closer together. My love for my wife of 18 years + triumphs over all. Her love has empowered me more then anything in this world. So I take time now to reflect in a positive manner. That is the struggle of a mind labled “ill”. You either dwell or reflect. One negative and one positive. As long as I still have love in my heart. Everything will be alright. So now I give thanks to God for giving me the strength to triumph over any obstacle the unworthy one, dirt eater, mud dragger, scum has set forth in my path today in order to remain vigilant on the road of righteousness in the strive for progress for all. Yet choose your circle wisley, for there will always be a Judas. For that is a curse instilled on this Earth. There is always someone or something halting progress in the name of profit. Gods gift to this Earth is cause and effect. Example: The reaction to Jesus Christ's actions still continues until this day. That is how powerful Jesus Christ's actions were. We should all reflect, never dwell. We must focus on the good times and not the bad otherwise it will drive you mad. Believe me. I speak of experience. Forgiveness is key to a happy life. Yet you can't truly be happy if you are content. This is a look into my mind, psyche, and soul. MIND over body, SOUL over mind, HEART OVER ALL.


The law is unjust! Intrusion

Saturday April 17 2021 10:45 a.m

I believe law enforcement has been intruding on my wife and I's privacy. If you protect a snitch and aid a snitch then you are an abomination to God. Since Hayward! Austin St. It's caused my mental well being to be compromised! I felt it all along! Been continually harassed by law enforcement since. That's why I cut the cable cord. Just to mark the day my wife and I left that terrible apartment. Just check the cable bill for maintenance. Since then, my wife and I have been strip searched. Car damn near taken apart. Constantly being taken into custody on regards of no I D. Asked by law enforcement for my social like 20 times. Only to be held for a warrant for a charge that wasn't even mine, due to a scum bag. Which I took honorably. Every car constantly impounded causing a financial deficit! My wife has a learning disability. That's why she can't pass the DMV test! She fell in 3rd grade and was unconscious until her auntie picked her up from elementary. Her brain must of swelled because Hoover elementary school noticed and began taking her out of class. First once a every week. Then bi weekly. Then once a month until the school year ended. That school must have noticed her academics falter after she slipped and fell. That school should be held accountable! Those are my values. That is why cowards go to hell. They will throw anyone under the bus to save themselves! Weakness! Now I have been conspired on by my peers. All in attempts to separate my wife and I. Attempts of Cowards. All because I'm feared by all around me for my mental Illness. Then cowards call a phone number, and use my illness against me! Cowardice is only a phone number away! I'm Schitzo Effective. There should be a record of it! Well after all these years they have finally done it. She will do anything for her family. Even lose me. She knows I did everything in her best interest. And because I loved her! I know she will love me more for it! Then she can received the message from God and she will make the change. Only when your Heart is broken, Can you receive the message. That will be enough to change! I need to find a Heart with no fear! For that is weakness! Just have to find sanctuary as well. My will is strong. Holy Father Above All. Loyalty is true power yet it is rare and hard to find! This (🧀)

Insight Into Mental Illness 1/24/2021 “After seeking help. Trial and Error Phase”

Last night or should this morning say at 4 a.m. I caught my mother in law trying to sneak into the room by quietly opening the door very slowly by using a credit cart to unlock it from the outside. She was not alone for there is only one other individual who knows how to unlock the door. That would be the previous resident of this room. So i know my mother in law did not act alone. Her justification being that I didn't leave the room all day. Due to refusing to take my psych meds. Withdrawal has made me feel unwell. This is a form of intrusion in any way shape or form you might look at it. It truly bothered me immensely. I no longer trust her. She is very intrusive. I believe she has a problem with boundaries. My mother in law is breaking the trust i have built with her here. It was my fault for having false expectations. Being intrusive is in her nature. I am so bothered by it, I haven't stopped thinking about it to the point that it didn't let me sleep all night. I was in my briefs with the big rip in the middle so I covered myself immediately. Very embarrassing. Then she tells me to go aid my wife because she was completely intoxicated wife and just simply leaves the door open and walks away. I know the door was locked and I was not asleep. I couldn't with with all that racket. Them partying all night until early morning. So I am %100 sure she did not knock or notify me. WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT TO ME. I am incredibly distraught because intrusion affects me in a way that I feel it's more then an invasion of privacy. I have been left with the feeling of my rights in this house don't matter and honestly feel violated. Due to my recent realization of a repressed memory of being sexually abused as small child, so small and traumatizing that it became an unknown to me. Yet lurked beneath the surface causing me to dislike ease dropping. Because it's as if sometime is waiting for you to be at your most vulnerable. When your asleep. I've always have felt this way about nosey people. Up to no good. Intrusion to me, leaves me with the feeling of betrayal. I can not help the way i feel yet I try to look past it. Yet events like this will change my mindset to a place I don't want to be. Feeling uneasy as if there is no sanctuary, no safe haven for my own private thoughts and being. I now feel very bothered and feel as if i can't even afford the luxury of privacy. No matter how important it is to me. There is no peace and tranquility without sanctuary meaning safe haven. This is not a good place for my mind to be. But the meds make very I'll and uncomfortable in my mind. Still can't get the right regiment of meds. This trial and error process is taking allot out of me. So now I ask Please GOD give me the strength to triumph over any obstacle the dirt Eater may lay in front of my path today. Both familiar and strange face alike. In order to remain vigilant on the road to righteousness in the strive for progress for all. MIND over BODY, SOUL over MIND, HEART over ALL.

By CBC (🧀)


Sexual Deviant!

“My Departure from this Place”

The night before mental health visit!

When I was working at an dairy. I was sleeping during during the day. It was very warm. I was exhausted as well. Then I suddenly awoke to my sister in law giggling taking a look of my morning erection. She then began to giggle and said “go  back to sleep, go back to sleep. I then collapsed back to sleep. Then once again on the same day. I awoke to her again in the room. Common sense would be not to return.

Then the night I before i went in I recalled that event. Then that thought led to threw reminder that my wife lost her virginity to her EX. Then i felt a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. So all combined, it destroyed my mind and world. All for remembering a stupid, idiotic, childish act of my sister in law which was uncalled for and out of line. I told my wife on the way to the mental health. So I spoke to her again after being dosed by large amounts of anti psychotics. My wife then tells me she spoke to her immature little sister. She had convinced my wife I was misunderstanding and she was just using her light look for something. Which I obediently accepted after being introduced to the anti psychotics. Now that I'm off of them. It bothers me immensely. How can someone who has suffered from similar trauma do something like that to anyone? That's because it wasn't true trauma. Only manipulation. She is now an acquaintance in my mind who is not trust worthy. I must address this issue. For it has left me distraught and dismayed. It's the accumulation of events.

Mother in law caused me to feel a certain way due to the fact that i was caused to feel irrelevant as if since i have no income I have no rights. Not even privacy to be in my briefs. In the room. I was coming off the meds and was wide awake. Then for her to leave the door open as she walked away asking me to get my drunk wife while I'm half naked left me very disturbed. Along with a sense of the need to become more secure.

I knew I would be unable to voice my opinion due to the meds. You avoid conflict or dismiss it just because it doesn't bother you. Over time I've noticed the behavior toward me shift. From being exclude by telling me,  “I don't fit in the car and I am not allowed to go. Treated unfairly even by my beloved wife. Which to thus day still puts a dent in my heart.  Constantly disrespected by an mischievous and manipulative sister in law after asking for car key, then being told to fuck off. Along being ridiculed after voicing my concerns about the hormone that causes breast as an side effect. To which my father in law ridiculed in front of his company. Along with my wife dismissing, neglecting me and ultimately stepping all over me. Thus leaving with no other choice but to cease with the medication for i would have been miserable for the last few months. I am intelligent enough to realize I've lost my wife either way. At least without the meds I can put up a fighting chance for I have it not in me to quit. Ask thank you God for giving me the strength to triumph over any obstacle the unworthy one has set forth in my path today in order to remain vigilant on the road to progress for all. You must surround yourself with positive intelligent good people, and good things will happen. Heed my warning. Choose your circle wisley, for there will always be a Judas. Halting progress in the name for profit. Mind Over Body, Soul over Mind, Heart OVER ALL!


Today is Saturday April 13th 7:06 a.m. It's a day that inspire the spirit to prepare for battle!I have found new strength in my life today in the way of our life. All in the name of  courage. For today I relinquish my shame for I had no control over those who defile innocence. For that is an abomination to Ya Weh! I now have realized that I've gone into shock III TIMES! First time I was 4 or 5. I was sexually abused on the couch in Rosita's house. Lady on the wheel chair. Green apartment's, with the swing set in the middle of said apartments. When I went into shock, I remember I started convulsing. That is when the defiler of innocents started smacking me lightly. Saying “Alex, Alex!”. Trying to bring me back to coherency. Very disgusting and appalling! The fact that a camera was present, makes it more disturbing. Second time was when I was 8 or 9! By my front neighbor when we lived at 484 Bst in Hayward. His name was Miguel and his friend Francisco He also abused his brother Marcus. Had a little sister name Alice. I believe his father's nick name was porky. If I ever meet this individual. One thing comes to mind. I've always wondered what it feels like to sink my thumbs into someone's eye balls! Thing is my legal guardians didn't even ask what happened. Or send me to school for that matter! Anyways the third time was most recent. Went to the Hospital! Remembered my repressed memories and was blessed enough to see Ya Weh. That's on Oct 13, 2020 at Saint Joseph's Hospital late that night. Almost lost my mind! So be it. It is done! There is no shame in my HEART! For I was just a baby! The Negligence of My Mother Graciela Gonzalez is an abomination to God. Now it makes sense why they never legally adopted me. THREW SHAME IS ON THEM AND ANYONE WHO JUDGES A SOUL WHO'S INNOCENTS WAS STOLEN BY THE defiler of innocents! Cowards ALL OF YOU! ANYONE WHO IS A SEXUAL DEVIANT.


The harm of ease dropping!


Intrusion comes in different forms and in different ways and is usually accompanied by an ulterior motive. Where it's under good intentions or ill will, either way it is a violation of the most sacred of things. It would be as if stealing your most intimate deepest thoughts and the emotions attached to them. Then for the culprit is found out, an intruder will always fall under the deceitful disguise as a wolf would in sheep's wool. Manipulating the intrusion as an act of concern. Peering into someone soul and stealing their privacy is a heinous act that should be dealt with in an strict manor for it has the potential to cause harm that can become detrimental to another's well being. The only reason someone collects information is for thier benefit in the future. That is ease dropping. You know who else ease drops? Sexual predators! When you have no ill will towards someone that does not constitute ease dropping. That is a witness. Because someone with no ill will towards anyone would never, never do it on purpose.

This was my first post ever. Insight Into Mental Illness

( Before Seeking Help)

“Anguish” July 13 2020 2:54 a.m

Lately I've been have been betrayed by most if not all. I've never had any ill will towards anyone, nor have I ever wished anyone the worst. I've always tried to make everyone happy. I've never liked to see anyone in misery both stranger and friends alike. I've always been singled out, bullied, ridiculed, shunned, and have always taken blame for others mistakes in hopes of becoming accepted. I've always opened my doors to any friend or loved one in need, and never denied anyone anything I have, regardless of quantity . I've always taken joy in helping others relive their misery, only in selfish hope that it may lessen misery of my own. I had a lonely childchood, filled with terrible experiences that I've been trying to cope and figure out, even tho no one has taught me how. I've had a troubled adolescence feeling no love or nurturing care. I had a miracle during my teens named Lorena M. She is truly a blessing from God. It's his gift for the tourment bestowed upon me .Early adulthood was difficulty but tolerable. Feeling family bonding was unknown to me until her family, my in laws. I relentlessly tried to do anything in my power to prevent any kind of possiblity from me losing my new found family to no avail. Due to my family, my blood  mistreating and abandoning me, I've learned to hold family to the highest of value. The most upsetting thing is I tried to remain in my in laws favor and avoid any situation to which might disappoint, all for naught. Even then misery found a way to take away what I valued most. I felt a need to fill that void of family with anyone who would accept me. And I did. The homies became my brothers, they accepted me and praised my accomplishments. They saw I had no love for myself and would throw out self preservation and self interest out the window and jump at a moment's notice and come to their aid. I valued their lives more then my own but never more then my beloved. She will always rain supreme above all. Now that I've been let down by blood, family, and friends. Even those I've opened my home to have left me in bewilderment when my wife and I were in need and none no one came to aid. Being ridiculed by the joking comments of “ well maybe you should try the local river” when we asked for a shower or bath. The words coming from whom I least would expect it stung more then the comment itself. That has led be to never trust again, never allow myself to let love in, and never feel comfort again. They have become luxuries I can not afford since I know I no longer have the strength to survive another heart ache. I now feel like even the family I've felt so close to are untrustworthy and have a sense of dread when walking around remembering the feeling of despair when I was shunned and labled a thief. My plead if innocence falling on deaf ears. My world was shattered for a simple piece is gold that goes around someones neck. I now have a sense of expecting betrayal or impending doom on the horizon. Even to the point where I believe ones responsible for accusing and condemning are conspiring against me in a plot to cause my misery to evolve into torment that will inevitably become my demise. I sense deceitful rumors spreading like venom in my existence and slowly poisoning what little life I have left until I am eventually consumed by misplaced animosity towards me, to which I find unwarranted. I no longer give anyone the benefit of doubt and always expect the worst. Only light in my dark existence is my poor, poor, wife who has learned the meaning of anguish due to experiencing it along with me. There have not been many joyous occasions since then. I know look forward to my departure of this plain of existence that we perceive as life on Earth. Yet the thought of how I perish being decided on my behalf both frightens and enrages me. I will never go out without a fight for I do not have it in me to quit. Yet I want it to be my way on my terms.  People have always been quick to judge without realize the trials and tribulations I've survived and experience. Only my wife has full knowledge of my disastrous life. How am I supposed to be a man when no one has demonstrated what manhood is. How am I supposed to be normal when I can not grasp the concept. How am I supposed to show my affection when the idea has been obscured since childhood. How do I learn to become a functionable member is society when I never had the equal opportunity of my peers around me. How do I comprehend what I've gone through if I have no concept of what sound of mind is. How do I process if my mind is labeled ill. How do I earn a living when I am considered contraband as an illegal. How do I fill the empty void left in my heart. How do I find said satisfaction when nothing seems to fill it. How do I proceed when I have lost all hope. Today is my birthday and I curse it with all my soul. I have nothing to look forward to nor can I find flavor on my tongue. I no longer have the need of new friendship nor do I have the feeling of acceptance in any form possible. I have attempted over, and over again, only to be disappointed. Loyalty is rare and trust is unbeknownst to me. I have no reason to pull myself out of bed. The fact that I am lucky enough to have somewhere to lay my head at night at moment gives me overwhelming feelings of gratitude and shame since I am nothing but a nuisance. I know now that I will never become a champion for the odds will always be against my favor. I have proof since birth if needed. I was born out of wed lock, have never known the name of my father, imagrated to a country that has made it clear in not wanted and denies me the feeling of patriotism. I had many traumatizing experiences earliest being the memory of discovering a man's lifeless corpse hanging in a closet. Was my only friend at the time, he was in his 20's or early 30's. He always kept the bullies away, as well as kept me company. I was 4 or 5 at the time. I tried to find the sense of father son relationship to an alcoholic, abusive step father that only taught me shame and embarrassment as he kicked me in my ass as I walked by half the time, or would give me money after he realizes there was not enough just cause for his disciplinary action. Or when I would ask to go with him to his friends house and all I witnessed was a drunked friends getting high and yelling at me to get them another beer. Or a mother to which would allow her son to be treated as a lesser sibling to which hand downs were good enough. A mother who never paid much attention to notice her son's dismay, or decide to spend time with him instead of partying all night with her friends. The words of “are you okay, or what's troubling you” were non existent as well as praise for my accomplishments. The fact that she ignored my screams of asking why during unjustified disciplinary acts. The fact that I had no one to console me or anyone I could confide in that I could run to if I ever felt threatened, afraid or in need of protection or rescuing. No one to teach me what to stand for or give me a lesson in self respect or to inform me of what is right from wrong. Or what is the difference between someone being affectionate or being intrusive. Not even a lesson in fishing or self defence. Never truly experienced a Christmas or birthday. Just hand downs wrapped in paper. Given what's old so Step dad could by himself some new. Given the old living room radio as as gift to me on Christmas. Or a old mountain bike just touched up with electrical tape to make it appear different, also. Or even crying on Christmas morning because there wasn't any gifts and leaving my wish list in the same spot for a few days hoping maybe they would appear in the morning before finally realizing it would not be happening and finally giving up. Always made fun of for being out of style, or dressed as an fool. Being noticed at school wearing the same shoes the whole grade year around . I have never felt an equal to anyone, not even my siblings. Never had a positive role model nor do anyone to teach me the be proper moral stand point. This was my childhood. I eventually felt more at home at the park with father figures wearing all a red bandanna and became recruited as teenager, since not even the military would allow me to join on behalf of my lacking is residency paperwork. I acted out and lashed where I knew my parents would feel it the most which was their bank roll. Only thing that seemed be off importance to them both. I took $5,000 As a way of retaliation for my upbringing and also as a desperate cry for help. Which only ended up with my being sedated by meds in middle school and Ativan during high school then ultimately being left to fend for my own around 16 or 17. By the time I was declared an adult, I had no idea how to become one, let alone be one. Still to this day the concept escapes me because all that befalls me are treacherous memories from a long forgotten history that decide to reveal themselves when experiencing the same emotional response to a similar situation to which I am left distraught and dismayed. I feel I am losing my marbles, if I haven't already. I feel when as if every time I pick up 3, some occurrence, event, or individual bumps into me and causes me to drop 5. Almost feel like there are people out there who enjoy or do not seem to be bothered worsening someones life. They feel they are in a higher position or status not realizing they have never felt struggle in which I have. I'm not going to sit here and pretend there is not worse out there. I am able to say in surprised I've made it this far and it am still alive. Not due to my choice but by the kindness and nurturing love that had been taught to me by my caring wife and Love. She is the only reason I continue to breath because the fact that I'm still breathing frustrates me immensely and the idea of breathing back in after exhaling constantly brings a tear to my eye. I seem to be labeled as crazy because I tend to speak to myself out loud. I only do so since I have no one that will listen to what I have to say nor anyone who will enjoy my company for that matter. Now I am having trouble distinguishing real from delusion and am constantly tormented by the voices of my peers to which I hear constantly at all times of day. They keep me awake at night and cause me to feel afraid for the my life or self conscious of my own flaws unappealing attributes. I have constant battles with fatal thoughts of suicide on a daily basis and fear that one day I will succumb. I live in constant fear off failing my beloved and being unable to provide her with all she deserves. Couldn't even give her the child she's always longed for. I only live in anguish and feel as if I'm being ridiculed for my failures and dismissed on my accomplishments. I have long forgotten how to socialize and have lost the sense of belonging or the need of acceptance. The ability of having control of my own mind escapes me as I stare if into space for hours at a time as I seem to relive memories both distant and recent, good and bad. I now just lay here looking for as sense of relief from the anguish, anxious and despair to which I no longer feel relief by expressing myself threw my writings. Yet all I find is four walls surrounded by darkness with no one besides my own voice in my mind telling me “ don't worry, it will all be over soon” which in reality is the only thing I find comfort in. All I seem to constantly ask myself is “ WHEN WILL IT END”. I just hope my wife will find true happiness. I now know that it will only be possible in my absence. I will never leave her unprotected yet am no longer capable of reassuring my wife that all will fall into place and that everything's going to be alright, for I no longer believe it myself.  This is a written look into both my mind, life, and soul. Today is my birthday and I curse him with all my soul.

Mind over Body, Soul over Mind, Heart Over All.

By: CBC  (🧀)

These are all writings from which I've accumulated over time. So I've decide to post most if not all.


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