Captain America: After the Endgame
“It was harder than I'd thought.”
The other man was silent, letting his subject drift into the memories. He was very anxious – of course, he would have to be after all this time chasing his white whale. He had been told how courageous his father was, but other than that, the fact that he was an ordinary man thrust into extraordinary circumstances and had more than risen to the occasion, and that he looked like him and had a lot of the same qualities, no one would tell him much about Philip J. Colson other than he loved Captain America. So yeah, sitting in front of Cap was a big deal.
But impatience would get him nowhere. He'd learned that on too many other stories. These things had to play out in the subject's timing. Looking at the man inf front of him, you'd never guess his age. Though older and more worn, there was something about him that still made him seem- vital. But you could also sometimes see the tiredness. His wife had died many years before, and what it had taken to stay away, he couldn't imagine. But that was just one of the things he was here to find out.
“One of my best friends told me,” he continued suddenly, “that I should get myself a life. They'd pushed me towards this one woman, and she was amazing.”
He looked down, pausing again.
“But she just reminded me of what I'd lost,” he said with a sigh as he shook his head. He looked up. “It also felt just... wrong. For her as much as me. And she deserved so much more.”
“You know Tony, right?” He shook his head, ruefully. “What am i saying – of course you know him. But did you ever get to meet him? Or even Morgan – she reminds me so much of him that it's painful at times. But the way he was around her.”
He paused again, a wistful smile on his face. “That was something to see, especially for those of us that knew him. I once said that he couldn't make the hard choice if it came down to it.”
He paused, looking back up at me. She changed him. For the better. And I realized that I wanted that. And seeing her after all those years, when we went back to take the Stone...”
As he paused, I annotated my notes. Finally. The Infinity Stone. Peggy Carter. I underlined that last, the end of a long journey seemingly within reach.
”... I realized just how much I'd lost and I'd never be able to move on, no matter what. It was selfish, I realize, but I knew I was going to do it long before i did. Why else was that the last stone i took back?” He shrugged, smiling. “I wasn't totally sure until I saw the look on her face...”
“It was hard. The lying, the hiding. There were still wrongs to be righted. Still fights to fight. But my time was done, and I was fighting a totally different fight. Against my instincts. When we were together, all was right with the world. But she had her life, and she was important.”
“So, i spent a lot of time in my makeshift gym. Repeating the same cycle as I had the first time I came out of the ice.” He shook his head ruefully. “Those poor bags.”
“But it didnt really hit me until one night,” he said, descending into his thoughts again. “Peggy was gone- I never asked he where, and that was one part of her life that we didn't share. I realized only after how that was, not being able to talk about current affairs...” He dropped into silence again, a frown on his face, then continued his original thought.
“Peggy was gone. I'd decided that I didn't want to cook, so went out to some new diner- I had to vary my routine a bit; I didn't know what I'd do as the tech became better, but that was a thought for a later date.”
“I heard a pained groan as I passed an alleyway, and old instincts took over- I dashed in, finding a Black man struggling to get to his feet. I rushed to his side, memories of many alleyways that I'd been beat up in rushing back. As I helped him to his feet, underneath the pain, I saw that look- the one that you get after a time of seeing the horrors of war. In that moment, I thought of Sam.
I asked him if he was ok, and tried to find out what happened. I'll never forget that exchange.
“Just a case of right place, wrong color,” he said ruefully. Then he guardedly added, “Sir.”
I thought he'd seen something that would make him think of rank, then it hit me. “None of that,” I said. “You sure you ok?”
“Nothing I haven't seen before or won't see again,” he shrugged.
“You want to grab a coffee?” I asked, feeling something stir in me. “I was just going to grab a bite, and don't feel like eating alone.”
He saw something in my eyes, and lightly touched my shoulder. I looked around at him already shaking his head. “I 'preciate it. Really, man, I do. But, no. Just the way things are.”
“But they shouldn't be,” I said indignantly. “It's what we fought for.”
“Shouldn't be,” he agreed. “But is,” he emphasized. “Don't you get it? I could have fought those guys. But the next man that they took it out on might not have been able to. There's times and places to fight. And times and places to stand.” I saw the anger on his face. Saw him slowly put it back to a dark place that held many such memories.
“But that reverend that spoke on the Mall had it right. You gotta do it in the right way. Play your part in it. And if we go in there right now, that's not a part.” He shook his head again. I've never seen a shake of the head show so much pain.
“That's looking for a fight,” he said, a bone tiredness evident in his voice. He was silent for a long moment, then said, in a quiet, still voice. “Sometimes, it takes more to just do nothing when you know its the right thing to do. Bide your time. support others fighting the fight in the right way. “
“I thought of Peggy in that moment. And how I'd been. And was ashamed,” he said, a weight in his voice I'd not heard before that. He looked at me, shame in his eyes. “I'd come back, and had so much because of it. But I'd not really left it behind. Not really laid it down. Not until that moment.”
“My wife,” he continued. “She understood so much. Carried so much. And my own experiences in the future had kept me from being the support system that she needed. Listening. Taking care of the kids and being an example for them, and a good father and husband.”
“That the fight I chose. And I fought it gladly, ignoring those instincts to be on the front lines, in favor of a more important battle.”