gringo

Re-reading Siddhartha ending did nothing except make me scared.

Or maybe confused.

I had a glimpse of reality – or was it imagination?

Of time as an illusion, of all being merged – apparent opposites being one.

Each murdering knife stab containing within it it's own resolution.

Each arrow shot becoming a flower.

Then I went to talk with my friends... naturally the subject moved to politics...

and I noticed how every single view that got espoused

  • the importance of self-responsibility
  • whether single-motherhood was good
  • whether we are under a great reset conspiracy

  • whether organic is better

  • was at once true in both ends. That is, in it's opposite sense.

Yes the world is under a great conspiracy. No it isn't – AT THE SAME TIME.

Yes organic is better – and it isn't, at the same time.

I also got scared by the imagery of being at peace with all – somehow.

The pained face of a karp, a twisted corpse, a hateful face, an insane person – as one, with everything good at the same time.

How the fuck can you smile or be in peace with that?

And I suppose it's recursive...

The one who is at peace with that is just a mirror of the one who is fucking terrified by it.

I also don't know why the world has a negative bent. Or is that just me? Am I simply hardwired to pay more attention to that which is scary and sad?

I am also scared that if I taste this 'enlightenment' shit for too long, I will meet my death and lose all this progress of knowing.

Like no bro! I want to live a long life. At least 5x this current life. And I want to do it with big, good learnings!

But I suppose I don't have any choice over it.

I am scared about manifesting my death via worry. In case law of attraction is real...

Just to rub in a personal example... escorting is both horrible and traumatic and literally empowering and life-giving at the same time.

I am depressed. Melancholic.

I like that word – melancholic – because it implies more than just depressed, but pensive. Sad thoughtfulness.

Because that's exactly what's happening to me right now. I am reflective, meditative, and very thoughtful.

I should prepare for the idea that one day, A.I. will be able to link together my writing style here, plus other info about me (gringo, brazil), to my real-life identity. I digress...

I feel as though nothing will really change my mood. Or that perhaps I could change, but not to anything better.

For example I could go back to drinking alcohol. Bam, progress erased – maybe I feel good for a bit – maybe for a while! But I'll then get anxiety and depression from alcohol, plus a shortened life.

Maybe I could download Tinder, flirt with girls, or even go to a strip club and hire a hooker. But that would either end my marriage or alter it in a sad way. Even if my wife never found out, I would feel anxious and depressed from holding the secret.

I could gorge myself on food – I could smoke weed – I could smoke tobacco – I could burn random shit – I could jack off – I could go back to watching porn – I could gamble – but it's all escape.

All running away from my current state of mind, that seems determined – for however long – to stay in this melancholic, sad, pensive state of mind.

I remember from that very first DMT trip. That very first psychedelic experience.

“I wish I didn't come to G [country]. It was a mistake to come here.”

And hearing back, from C.

“You're not going to like every place you visit.”

To this day I don't know if he actually said that, or my mind conjured that up.

Something about that sentence was profound for me.

Maybe it's the fact he didn't try to qualify it with anything, like “and that's ok.”

Or that he didn't have some type of advice with it, like “and travelling's not for everyone, so you can decide to not travel if you don't want to.”

In many ways it was just an expression of a kind of truth. That I am travelling whether I like it or not. I am visiting places. And I am not going to like every place I go.

A thought came to me in a car ride today, as well.

That the Jewish kid born into Nazi Germany, or in Poland, and shipped to a concentration camp – even if I get reincarnated as him/her – will not remember my past life for a good reason.

That reason is, it's worse to deal with something horrid, if you have the contrast that makes it seem so.

If you have nothing beautiful to compare ugliness to, it stops being ugly.

There is no real objectivity, huh?

Only by knowing the beautiful, good, and right, do the ugly, bad, and wrong appear.

Striving to experience peak moments of joy and pleasure WILL lead to experiencing peak moments of sadness and pain.

So coming back to where I am. Yes, I am sad. Yes I am melancholic.

No, I won't try to escape it. I guess I have faith that all things are impermanent including this condition.

“The world is maintained by change”, Marcus Aurelius wrote almost 2000 years ago.

One day, the world will forget his words too...

Russ seems to have the idea that if you are delusional in a positive way, you can change you reality.

If you imagine the beach house, how your car turns in the driveway... and you imagine you having that now... you'll get it.

Hmm... maybe I should start manifesting.

“What if it can turn out better than you imagine?”

I don't want to go out right now. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to eat. I don't want to work. I don't want to game.

Terence McKenna on discipline – “listen, shut up! stop thinking about this! we're going to get through! keep breathing, keep looking.”

I don't want to go back to eating bad quality food. Too much fat and carbs. I want to keep my gut sugar-starved and starve out that bad bacteria.

Terence McKenna's last interview – why does the universe have a predisposition for order?

Hmm. I wonder – if I did another ayahuasca session, would I feel good again? Or do I need to sit with this lesson for a while longer?

Going into ayahuasca with few attachments, feeling a bit down – that's a great way to start.

I'm talking out my ass.

Computer gaming no longer interests me nearly as much. That's a good thing, huh?

I can't wait to be unemployed again. God I need a fucking break.

I am worried.

Ta baum.

It is difficult to sit with life as it is without trying to change it.

I am happy that I am getting better at writing. A pseudonymous blog was a great idea.

I feel good. Suffering is good. Impermanence is good. Even egolessness is good.

I am lucky not to be in a worse life. I am lucky not to be in the holocaust. I am lucky not to be a nazi. I am lucky not to be a starving kid.

The Joe Rogan Experience and it's fans are proof that the world has good people.

Meditation makes me feel anxious. Deep breathing makes me feel calmer.

What if the secret all along is that I need to return to Wim Hof Method?

I am making an error of logic when I begin wanting to die because negative moments exist and will always exist and come back again and again. And because every happy moment is compensated by a negative one.

Because I don't discount with the fact that equally happy moments exist.

And it's true – when I am happy, death seems horrid! I want life to go on.

“This, then, is the human problem: there is a price to be paid for every increase in consciousness. We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain. By remembering the past we can plan for the future. But the ability to plan for the future is offset by the “ability” to dread pain and to fear of the unknown. Furthermore, the growth of an acute sense of the past and future gives us a corresponding dim sense of the present. In other words, we seem to reach a point where the advantages of being conscious are outweighed by its disadvantages, where extreme sensitivity makes us unadaptable.”

Ahh, Alan Watts. What a dude.

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

-

“I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.”

-

“We are living in a culture entirely hypnotized by the illusion of time, in which the so-called present moment is felt as nothing but an infintesimal hairline between an all-powerfully causative past and an absorbingly important future. We have no present. Our consciousness is almost completely preoccupied with memory and expectation. We do not realize that there never was, is, nor will be any other experience than present experience. We are therefore out of touch with reality. We confuse the world as talked about, described, and measured with the world which actually is. We are sick with a fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conceptions and ideas.”

-

“Try to imagine what it will be like to go to sleep and never wake up... now try to imagine what it was like to wake up having never gone to sleep.”

-

“It's like you took a bottle of ink and you threw it at a wall. Smash! And all that ink spread. And in the middle, it's dense, isn't it? And as it gets out on the edge, the little droplets get finer and finer and make more complicated patterns, see? So in the same way, there was a big bang at the beginning of things and it spread. And you and I, sitting here in this room, as complicated human beings, are way, way out on the fringe of that bang. We are the complicated little patterns on the end of it. Very interesting. But so we define ourselves as being only that. If you think that you are only inside your skin, you define yourself as one very complicated little curlique, way out on the edge of that explosion. Way out in space, and way out in time. Billions of years ago, you were a big bang, but now you're a complicated human being. And then we cut ourselves off, and don't feel that we're still the big bang. But you are. Depends how you define yourself. You are actually—if this is the way things started, if there was a big bang in the beginning— you're not something that's a result of the big bang. You're not something that is a sort of puppet on the end of the process. You are still the process. You are the big bang, the original force of the universe, coming on as whoever you are. When I meet you, I see not just what you define yourself as—Mr so-and- so, Ms so-and-so, Mrs so-and-so—I see every one of you as the primordial energy of the universe coming on at me in this particular way. I know I'm that, too. But we've learned to define ourselves as separate from it.”

-

“But I'll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you'll come to understand that you're connected with everything.”

Kind of annoying that there is no escape.

But I suppose given that there is no escape, there is no way home either. No longing for home.

I haven't had a tinge of a psychotic break since... Monday.

The post I wrote.

oof. That's not long ago. That's the same day I begun the fast.

But ok... for some reason, I still get the sense that everything is going to be all right. If the borderlessness comes, I can be here for it.

I truly hope that I don't go insane from it.

I will definitely hold off from taking psychedelics for some time.

Am I sensitive to them for a reason?

Woah – what if the meaning of my trip was that I need to control myself?

I mean... previous trips have taught me the opposite lesson. To let myself feel my dark side, feel my sexuality, feel and express my anger, my lust, my greed.

But maybe I have had enough of that lesson. Time to swing back to control – but this time, in a good, considered way, without guilt for any failures.

Control for the sake of others because it's for the sake of me.

Not control for the sake of others whilst denigrating me.

Viktor Frankl is right. Or Neitzche. Or JBP. Whoever it is. If you construct a meaning, then you can deal with whatever situation you encounter. Ah- Jung! That's it.

Music sounds pretty good right now. I wonder if that's because I've had a lot of rest, or because I've not eaten for a while? Rise – Random Rab and LVDY

Beepis. Time to go back to work.

Fasting feels amazing.

At this moment I am less than an hour away from 72 hours fasted.

72!

3 days.

And I'm quite sure I have the ability to push forward til Saturday – at least midday.

If not Sunday...

And if I make it to Sunday, why not Monday?

I will stop the MCT oil today, I reckon. Promote autophagy. And apple cider vinegar? I can lower to a tablespoon or 2.

I should say though... fasting quickly swings from feeling amazing to feeling shit. I definitely felt shit for much of yesterday. If headaches come on or the like, I'll certainly be tempted to break the fast.

I should prepare bone broth in case of refeeding syndrome...

Will be hard looking at meat and not eating though. Damn.

I will also need to get some coconut water to break my fast – and stay near a toilet.

Yeah yeah. Scheduled scheduled. Done done. Doneodonedonedonedoneodne.

I totally agree that burnout comes when the motivation to work on something is lower than the workload.

It's not simply about the workload.

I am burned out because of this.

I don't want to look at spreadsheets verifying customer addresses.

I don't want to compile a big fuck-off report to doxx the customers to the government.

Fasting won't bring about a solution to this problem. It might recharge me temporarily, kill off some dead matter, reset my hormones, reset my relationship with food... but it won't make the work interesting.

Man... I just gotta get rid of this work. That's what I need to do. I need to quit. Leave. Exit

With each customer I verify, with each step I get closer to making the report, I am getting closer to freedom.

Fasting is interesting.

Sometimes it's incredibly hard, the hunger and cravings are too much.

You dream about kebabs, pizzas, pasta, steak, bananas, and the like.

Other times it's easy, and you wonder why you would ever need food?

You feel super light, and it's nice to know you're using up the battery that your body is constantly building around your waistline.

A part of me truly wants to push to 7+ days. Just to see how my body transforms, how my mind transforms, how I feel.

I totally can do it... can't I?

Surely it's just a case of having sufficient bodyfat and supplementation?

Breathe in... Breathe out...

The out-breath is apparently as close to nirvana that we can have in waking life.

A pretty decent start to my day. CrossFit. Walking in the sun. Coconut water and espresso. Italian pasta.

But it's almost 3pm now. It's easy to lose a significant portion of the day with workouts and aimless walking around – even though that leisure time is really useful for producing a chilled out, creative state of mind.

So... what now.

I have a meeting that I don't want to attend. How about I just... pretend I can't attend? Or don't show up?

Plenty of people didn't show up last time.

Alternatively I show up but I just don't contribute. Or I dial in. Something like that. They shouldn't ask me for anything.

Ok sorted. Join but do nothing.

Same goes for almost every commitment actually.

Focus on what is critically important. No one will value me more than I value myself.

Note that the things in my surroundings are distracting me. The computer and books on my desk. The pens. The wires. The turned-on phone waiting for the call. Put them away. Now.

Even the washing outside is mildly distracting. But not as much.

Good. Better.

Before all comms... what did I want to do?

  • Clear emails
  • Clear WhatsApp
  • Clear Slack
  • Clear Notes
  • Make headway on I-report/historical prices and tagged bank transactions
  • Clear/review tasks
  • Send open application to NeoNo and LNC (Norway)

Jesus I am really unmotivated huh?

Entered into meeting. I half want to attend... But half don't.

My balls hurt way too much. I've got a doctor scheduled for tomorrow. Fuck I hope he sorts me out.

In the meantime I feel stuck... basically forced to wank to stop blood flowing to my balls too much.

My back/abdomen pain could also easily be caused by recent CrossFit workouts. They are pretty damn intense.

I ought to see a physio.

What motivates me?

Not feeling like any intense focused work right now that's for sure.

So how about quick snappy replies to comms?

Yeah. That sounds good.

Also prioritization?

Yeah that too.

Ok how about just working. Working. Don't do anything in any order. Do what's easy. Because this is not a day where I'm going to be focused anytime soon.

Let the focus drip in from upbeat music. Pretend I'm high.

Tap into that drunk I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. Not everything has to be perfect. But things have to be done.

No. Things don't need to be done on paper.

You don't need another break.

Procrastinate the rest.

Most probably I am simply avoiding the uphill path.

✅ Music loud. ✅ Stickies opened and cleaned up. ✅ Opening Tutanota. ✅ Deleted some emails, did an action. ✅ Read a sad blog post. 👎 Sent $3.30 to try to topup a seemingly unfunctional Russian chatbot. ✅ Scheduled a meeting. ✅ Deleted a folder. ✅ Deleted another. ✅ Deleted another. ✅ Deleted almost everything.

Exhausted already.

Should I leave a bunch of junk in my emails? maybe it contains important stuff... but probably not, right? bahhhhh...

I dislike having a lot of digital clutter. I like to frequently throw things out.

This doesn't align well with the type of duties I have frequently – like tracking down receipts for business expenses. Or keeping my crypto wallets safe.

Ok ok ok. I'll leave for now. I'll try to disengage and forget about the junk left in the archive. After all there's always an unlimited amount of mess to be found.

Go through LinkedIn messages and create tasks for anything in inbox.

✅ LinkedIn messages gone, tasks created.

Now crack on with Gmail aye?

✅ Tasks set, payments made, emails deleted.

WhatsApp?

✅ Cleared.

Now there's some random fucking bullshit tasks left. Promised intros. Promised emails. Just shit. Shut shit shithsithsithshiweh[9ueraoDSF X80q34nwtrydv8pigreserg9[edn 'cxk,.

Cunt.

My balls hurt. My back hurts. My teeth – or lack of wisdom teeth, rather – hurt.

Everything aches.

My head included.

Ah! I need water.

Good thought.

✅ Rescheduled everything in the next 3 hours. Made sure to ask the church to leave early.

Why the fuck do I even go to church? it's a big cope.

I guess its because I like seeing people.

✅ Took 2 paracetamol.

My wife made dinner. Nice of her.

I'll go upstairs after I eat it maybe? Take a shit before my intro call with D too.

Well... I got my 745 words in.

Words of shite but words nonetheless.