My family member often thinks that I’m ‘overthinking’ about things like the WiFi when we were having problems with it, or something philosophical or political about the future. Despite them knowing that I’m autistic and tend to have hyper-fixations sometimes, they still don’t know the full scope of my patterns. In my opinion, being a deep thinker is a good thing, because I have more time to think about many things while others have less time due to their social lives or other factors.
Whenever I think of a bittersweet topic, my train of thought often rapidly go from one sad topic to another, and eventually themes of the nature of existence, and death v_v .
I shed some tears every time afterwords :'( , and it’s uncomfortable. It even happens when I was having peaceful or happy thoughts beforehand.
I should have stuck to positive thoughts, but I just cannot do that. I'm unable to do that sometimes. But... is it healthy? Does this make me more self-conscious, and feel more empathetic towards others?
I'm starting to believe that, the media that let's me explore at my own pace is better for me, such as books, written text, or lighter video games where I can observe and progress the game at my own pace.
On the other hand, media – especially video games – that have too much rapid pacing and convoluted information would overwhelm me quickly. For example, when I play a story-driven action game, I get tired right away and want to either take a break or stop the game for the day. Those type of games contain both heavy plots and intense gameplay mechanics. Unfortunately, my mind's capacity to process all of that at once is often very limited. So I often feel burned out playing the game for 20/30 minutes.
When I read books or articles however, I feel more comfortable doing this kind of stuff for much longer than 30 mins. These things allow me to stop whenever I need to, and reflect what I just processed before quickly going back to exactly where I paused.
Casual video games are relaxing also, such as puzzle, adventure, or action games with light narratives.
I never realized that my body and soul needs to be in a library.
Every time I'm in a crowded mall, especially during weekends in the afternoon, I feel overwhelmed. People kept walking in and out without consistent pacing or direction, nor do they often have manners when they bump into me or not move out of the way when I need to pass though. People are also too fucking loud, especially those annoying kids when they goof off in public. I remember seeing a boy and his dumbass father making pterodactyl noises for fun while I was there drinking my decaf latte at Second Cup close by. I kept thinking to myself “Yall have no awareness, manners, self-control, or respect for other people...”.
My mind kept screaming “I want to get the fuck outta here PLEASE! I want to find someplace quieter”. But there was rarely any remotely quiet places in this noisy hellscape...
The other day, I try to build a habit of going to a library more often for a change of pace. And I often feel much more peaceful with that kind of environment. I can use the computers or just read some interesting books in the absence of people chatting or their fucking awful body odor. But there are times when kids come to the library after school hours and start running around and playing loudly (where's the librarian lady when we needed her to tell these kids to STFU? Once again, parents are failing to tech their children self-control and respect to people's peace...)
The library has calm me down quite a bit in a time of a major depressive episode. I didn't have to always be in the presence of obnoxious people, (including my family). I had a small place to myself, sensory speaking.
– v -
