marlborobouquet

Red.

Menurut Databoks maupun Kumparan data pernikahan di Indonesia menurun dibandingkan tahun ibu dan ayah menikah. Alasan nya jelas, sekarang orang-orang sudah lebih realistis karena kebutuhan hidup cukup tinggi mangkannya mereka sekarang hanya punya 1 atau 2 anak saja, kecuali mereka yang kaya 7 turunan mungkin sudah punya lebih dari 2.

Benar ya kata Nadin Amizah hidup seperti bajingan. Ibu merasakan nya juga kan? Menghidupkan 2 anak tanpa nafkah dari ayah yang di PHK 6 tahun yang lalu. Sulit. Aku tahu, itu sebabnya ibu suka bangun malam dan tahajjud bahkan sampai menangis dalam sujud. Karena ternyata menghidupi 2 anak sesusah itu, apalagi dengan gaji yang tidak seberapa itu.

Ibu selalu curhat sama aku kerasnya dunia, jahat nya orang-orang di kantor ibu, lalu ayah yang gak bisa ngebela ibu didepan saudari-saudarinya itu, atau curhat tentang mas yang kadang bikin ibu kesel. Aku cuman bisa mendengarkan saja karena ibu gak suka kalau dikasih nasehat atau arahan, ibu cuman mau didengar saja. Aku ngerti kok.

Ibu, terkadang ibu juga selalu membahas tentang keuangan keluarga kita. Gak apa-apa satu ataau dua kali mungkin untuk aku dan mas mengerti tentang ekonomi keluarga kita. Tapi ibu selalu membahas nya berulang-ulang kali sampai mas pun jujur ke aku kalau dia muak mendengar hal itu. Aku juga, kalau boleh jujur. Kita gak bisa ya makan malam tanpa ada pembahasan soal uang? Tak bisa menikmati kumpul keluarga tanpa pembahasan uang? Pasti gak bisa ya Bu…

Tahun depan aku kuliah, Bu UKT negeri maupun swasta sekarang sama saja tak ada bedanya. Ibu harus puter balik otak gimana caranya ngumpulin duit biar aku kuliah. Aku jadi mikir, aku ini beban sekali ya? Disaat harusnya ibu sudah gak ada tanggungan karena mas udah kerja malah ada aku yang harus kuliah tahun depan.

Harusnya disaat ibu keguguran kak Hana, ibu stop punya anak. Satu saja cukup. Naufal Hary Pratama saja sudah cukup. Harusnya gak usah ada Nafla Hisana Ramadhani di Kartu Keluarga ibu.

Aku banyak kurangnya, bahkan mengecewakan. Rasanya gak pantes banget punya ibu sehebat ibu. Aku nakal, tidak bisa diatur, suka buat nangis malah. Kenapa yang maha esa gak ambil nyawa ku aja ya sekarang Bu? Karena kedepan nya aku bakalan lebih nyusahin ibu pastinya.

I really want to hung myself. Or maybe disappear from this world. Gimana pun caranya biar ibu gak ada beban lagi. Gimana ya caranya?

Tapi ibu tau gak? Aku bersyukur punya ibu.

Allah blessed me for chose her to be my mother. She chose to gave birth for having me when she know she could die. She's my muse, my path, my everything. Amazing woman I've ever met. No one could replace her. No one could be her. I couldn't be her. I couldn't be so brave like her, so patient like her. I wish her everything. I wish world treat her nicer, I wish she get everything she want when she just a littler girl, I wish she kept away from people who make her shed a tears, I wish every wishes she beg to Allah being hear and make it happen. Ibu, kalau ada kehidupan kedua ketiga keempat kelima dan seterus nya dan aku lahir lagi, aku mau jadi anak ibu lagi dan lagi.

We used to play together until I reached seven years old, and then you left me feeling confused and stained a bloody hatred towards me.

I don't know what's going on. Why were you being so cruel to me?

Why can't we be lovely siblings like Bang Daffa and Kak Sania, despite the fact that they're usually fighting? I know they worry about each other and love each other,

so why can't we be like them?

Everybody wants to be like me when I told them I have a brother, they say “enak banget deh punya kakak cowok pasti enak! Iri banget deh” I wish it was true.

I wish I could feel superior to them because I have you, instead of feeling confused because all I can sense is the distance you create.

I remember thinking you were cool when I was a kid.

That’s why, I've always followed you around. Comparable to a puppy who is looking for her mother's absence of love. You always push me away even though I've wanted to play with you.

I don't follow you everywhere since you always manage to break my heart or make me want to remain in.

Now I understand.

You usually seem to think of me as a spoiled brat who pit on our mother when we go out with our family or our cousins.

You'd prefer not to speak with me.

You only speak to me when;

you need something

or

tell me to get something.

Worse, you yell at me in a way that makes me feel afraid every time I do something stupid.

You scare me.

It's not the ridiculous,

humorous,

fearful kind that average sibling does;

rather,

it's closer to appearing that you are possibly capable of

murdering me,

breaking me,

and shutting me down

whenever I do something stupid.

You scare me.

Again. Or almost all of this time?

No one wanted to play with me as a little kid.

Of course, they hate kids. Especially like me. You hate kids like me.

But you love other kids, so why do you hate me?

because I always cry?

because I am not a fun kid who not gets annoyed every time you annoy me?

or because you get yelled at by Father because you hit me back then when, honestly, you just want to play with me? Is that the reason you hated me so much back then?

If that's true, then I must apologize. Im sorry if I ever make you get yelled because I pit our father and mother every time you annoy me when I was a kid.

In the end, I hate you.

Your cold-heartedness makes me hate you.

Perhaps I have a slight animosity towards father because he's the reason for the way you behave.

But you simply hate me for unknown reasons. I'm not your little sister, from your standpoint.

To you, I am an individual who does not share the same ancestry as you.

“Gua gak bakalan pacaran lagi ah Wa,”

“Percaya gak lu?”

After a month in my post-breakup phase, I realized everything.

I saw how immature I can be and recognized that communication is not my strong suit.

Finally, I came to the conclusion that being in relationships with just anyone is something I am never sure about.

The fact that I welcome someone else into my life, possibly falling in love with them and leaving all about you behind. It's belief that I can love them as deeply as I do you,

even though deep down inside,

it will always be “I love you more” to them when in reality,

it’s just an everlasting love I have for you.

Sometimes I find myself hating my tendency to always try to please others, even if it means accepting things I don't really want. Just for not making them feel disenchanted.

However, this only ends up hurting them in the long run.

So why can't I tell them the truth? the thing that I'm not sure whether I can love them or not because you’re the one I want this whole time?

Well being in love with you is not the main reasons why I treat them unfavorably the main reasons is me. Me and the Uncertainty.

My last relationship made me realize that I shouldn't be with someone who is willing to give me their last bite of their favorite pancakes,

while all I do is leave them with a crumbs.

Make me realize that I am still selfish, holding onto everything and unwilling to share.

Help me see that I have been a neglectful partner who hasn't shown enough care for my current partner's well-being.

Show me that I still have a long way to go before reaching maturity, and make it clear how my immaturity has resulted in leaving deeper scars for them.

I realize everything. I realize that I was such a jerk. I realize I was never in love with someone after I fell in love with you. until today it means—4 years? gila ya 4 tahun aku suka sama kamu. 4 years I try to erase how delicate you’re in my head, 4 years I try to fall in love with someone else but after being a part with them the room that is full of how I feel ever ytime I see your face just slowly opens, 4 years I deny to myself that I love other guys but in the end I know where my heart belongs.

“jujur sebenernya gw juga suka lu”',

“tapi gw takut hubungannya bakal ga jalan”.

kenapa sih? why you not brave enough to take the risk? with me? why you can’t for once disregard the world and run to what you know is real?

Kenapa ya waktu itu lo gak berani buat ngutarain semua nya, kenapa gua mikir lo gak bakal suka sama gua, kenapa sih lo pecundang? kenapa sih gua jadi cewek insecure-an?

will you like me… again?

If someday we talk again, I hope you call me with some cringe-worthy words, just like the other couple did. If someday we see each other again, I hope you see me with your dazzling eyes and tons of love.