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I wrote a blog the other day that touched a lot of people in many different ways. People reached out to me personally to ask me how I achieved this level of peace, love and understanding in my heart. That brings me to todays blog. With my son Adams permission I’m going to explain to you all where I learned to love from the deepest depths of my heart. I love sharing this journey, although it’s filled with some heartache. That pain though was the biggest motivator in my life!

July 7, 1990 at the tender age of 16 GOD blessed me with a baby-boy. Yes, I was young but, I got pregnant and this child was my responsibility. One that I knew would be a challenge yet, so rewarding.

I gave birth in the summer before I started my Senior year of High School. Quitting school wasn’t an option because I needed that education more than ever, I had a son to support. I attended BOCES and graduated as a CNA! A certified nursing assistant and was able to start working at a Nursing Home as soon as I graduated, something I was so proud of. We lived with my parents and they helped me achieve this goal of graduating!

At the age of 18 I had my 2nd child, Alyson. I had failed relationships therefore I spent many years as a single mom. I raised my son Adam and my daughter Alyson by myself for many years and we did quite well. I will never tell you guys lies and I was a weekend alcoholic. This isn’t important in this part of the blog but, it will be further down the blog.

( My oldest child, Adam )

My children were born into a family that was riddled with addiction issues. We have alcoholics which one of them is none other than, me! We’ve had drug addicts and yes, that was also me! After I lost Alex and Alexis in 1996 I went tumbling and what a ride! Thank GOD I decided I didn’t want that life anymore and In 2003 I made the best decision I ever made. I put myself in rehab. I went in and came out and never touched another substance! Only by the Grace of God and 1 day at a time. On September 11, 2020 I’ll have 17 years free from drugs and alcohol! I wanted to be able to raise my children and tell them how bad drugs and alcohol were and not be prejudiced while doing so!

Michael convinced Adam to enlist in the ARMY National Guard while still in High School. Adam hadn’t set goals at that point and although I was sad it was definitely something I was so proud of! He was to young when he enlisted so I had to sign him in. Neither Adam nor Alyson touched drugs or alcohol while in school. Turns out Alyson’s 28 years old and still hasn’t. AMEN for that!

( My Soldier...HOOAH )

I shared my journey very openly with my children. I explained that the seed was planted and all they had to do was fertilizer it with a drug or alcohol, as I did and they’d be off to the races!

Adam left for boot camp just 4 days after graduation and he chose Combat Medic as his MOS! I certainly was a very proud mom! He finished his boot camp at FT. Sill in Oklahoma and then went on to Combat Medic school at FT. Sam Huston, Texas! He graduated as a medic and then came back home. This is where things take a turn.

( Adam working on a mock patient )

Once Adam was home for a bit I noticed some strange behaviors. I chalked it up as just going from a boy to a man because of Bootcamp and being in the service! DING, DING, DING..I was so wrong! My son, my 1st born had developed an addiction to pain killers! Not a little problem but, a huge problem. My sweet innocent boy’s life had been hacked by the ol’ devil himself, addiction!

My beautiful son. My amazing soldier would come to me all beat up because of a drug deal gone bad! It was so scary and I wanted to micromanage his addiction, I know...silly! I was desperate, alone and scared. My son could die from this.

( Drug deal gone bad )

I begged and pleaded for him to go to rehab but, he wasn’t ready. He wanted to he high and that’s exactly how he stayed. He became abusive to me. Mentally and even physically at times. Michael had to put him on the floor more than once for putting his hands on me. Something that’s never tolerated! I continued to beg and plead with my son to get help because he was killing both of us. I literally didn’t care if I even lived anymore because I couldn’t fix my own son!

( So high and in my living room )

How could I not fix my own child? Then I remembered that my mom couldn’t fix me either. I reached out to support groups and I got stronger and I started doing my own version of tough love called, “Tougher love”. Everyday my son could get an “I love you” and a offer to a ride to detox and that’s it. I wasn’t going to give him money or anything else that could help him die quicker from the disease of addiction.

So here’s the thing. I had a lot of work to do on myself. It was a challenge to deeply love someone that was abusing you almost daily, mentally and physically but, he was my son. I did lots of reading and I came across this poem and then it all clicked! GOD gave me this child to teach me how to love deeper and have more compassion and it worked. It’s so easy to love the child that’s absolutely perfect but, not so easy to love the troubled child. This poem saved my life which in return saved my sons life.

THE POEM!

THANK GOD FOR THE DIFFICULT CHILD

© Shelly D. Coleman

Published: February 2006

The difficult teen will do things their own way, in their own time, regardless of your wishes or schedule.

The good teen will do what you ask, when you ask, even though they may complain a little.

It's easy to love a good child.

The difficult teen will try your patience and understanding every day. They will challenge the depths of your love, the core of your soul numerous times throughout each day, until you wonder if you have any strength left.

The good teen will try your patience and understaning from time to time. They will challenge your ability to see just how many extracurricular activities you can cram into each day, until you wonder if you have any energy left.

It's easy to love a good child.

The difficult teen will sneak out of the house at night to buy drugs, only to have the police knock at your door at 3am on a work night so you can come down to the station to pick them up. They've been arrested.

The good teen will sneak out of the house at night (on a weekend) to TP the soccer coach's house after a big win, only to go back to the coaches house the next morning. To help clean up.

It's easy to love a good child.

The difficult teen will skip school, even when you drop them off out front and watch them walk inside. No matter how hard a parent tries to help or force a child, the difficult teen may not graduate from High School. The difficult teen won't be going off to college.

The good teen might consider skipping a class or two, but doesn't want to get caught. A parent doesn't have to make an effort to keep a good kid in school. The good teen ponders which college they should attend.

It's easy to love a good child.

The difficult teen is often withdrawn from family. They don't smile alot, they don't get real enthusiastic about much. A parent's heart breaks a little more every day.

The good teen is often tells family about things that happened during their day. They smile and laugh alot, and are enthusiastic about alot of things. A parent's heart soars a little more every day.

It's easy to love a good child.

So many people give up on the difficult teen. Write them off as being unworthy of their efforts. Distrust, because they don't understand. Give up because it's the easiest thing to do.

So many people cheer for the good teen. Try to help them in any way they can. Trust them, because it's not hard to do so. Encourage them to succeed because they seem to want to.

It's easy to love a good child.

It's easy to love the good teen. The parent's of them, thank God their life is going as planned. That they have good children to love. Sure, a parent loves their good teen unconditionally. But they haven't really had to put that to the test. They haven't had to test the limits of their understanding and forgiveness. Their souls and faith are intact because they haven't been shattered. Do they realize that the most important things in life are the little things? The path of the good teen may not be exactly what a parent would have chosen, but they know that everything will turn out all right.

I thank God that you have a good child.

It's not easy to love the difficult teen. But I thank God for them, for without the difficult teens, how can we possibly understand what unconditional love really is? How would we know just how deeply we can love, and how easily we can forgive? How would we otherwise test the endurance of our souls, the depths of our faith? How else would we realize just how strong we really are? How else would we know what is TRULY important in life.

The path of the difficult teen may not be what a parent would have chosen, but it is the hand that they were dealt.

I thank God that I have a difficult child. AMEN 🙏🏻

I’m going to end with this! My son did go to detox and rehab. He did get clean and sober but, not without struggles. He’s now got 2 children of his own and he does the best he can. Not everyday is a field day but, he’s alive! I’ve become a huge advocate in the addiction community and I made a video that got picked up by a producer. They made my ½ way decent video an amazing video and I’m proud of that. I’m an alcoholic/ addict. No matter how long I have clean, this will never change. My status of active or non-active can though. I put my sobriety before everything and eveyone because without that I don’t have a solid foundation. So that’s how I can love so deeply. Because GOD chose to give me a difficult child. Thank GOD ❤️

( My son clean from drugs YAHHH )

( My produced video )

Today I’m going to tell you a story about the worst and best day of our cancer journey! Buckle up because it’s a rollercoaster ride!

Yesterday morning Michael woke me up at 4:50am and told me something was wrong. I immediately sprang to my feet! His color was poor and I knew this was pretty serious!

I’m a medical problem solver so I start going through all of the symptoms 1 by 1. He was falling asleep standing up and dropping anything in his hand. He fell asleep at our bar counter and wiped all the items off it! He couldn’t keep his eyes open for anything and his color was very ashen. I immediately sat him down and did a feeding with a lot of water to hydrate because dehydration is always a issue. He went to his computer chair after this and I looked over and this is what I saw.

I will not lie, I was very nervous. I knew my work was far from done! I had to keep working to figure out what was going on with Michael. Michael didn’t feel well at his last Chemotherapy and I found out the Doctor didn’t wait for all of his labs to come back. 1 out of the 3 labs came back and the Doctor decided to start Chemotherapy anyway.

BAD CHOICE!

Thank GOD our daughter Alyson and her fiancé Phil are here because I had so much to do with retrieving bloodwork, talking to Doctors and all the while the kids tended and looked over Michael for me. I’m so grateful and so is he. Michael’s Magnesium bottomed out following Chemotherapy 2 week’s ago and he was given Mag by IV and then he takes 400MG a day at home. If anyone knows anything about Magnesium too much or too little can be very bad and even fatal, especially if your Kidney function is off and Michael’s Chemotherapy drug, Cisplatin can compromise the Kidney Function. It leaves the body via the kidneys and often people need IV fluids to move it faster because if the medication sits too long it can cause Kidney failure! Something we don’t need!

I was giving Michael a lot of fluid through his tube to help hydrate his body and to get his urine flowing because he wasn’t going much. God knows if you looked at his feet over the past week you’d swear he had way to much fluid in his body! His feet have been huge but, the Doctor hasn’t been concerned about it! I was giving him 8 ounce boluss of water every 2 hours ! Yes, busy day but, we needed to get this fixed and fast!

( Pitting edema )

Michael finally wanted to go sit on the front porch. So I got him out there and got his feet up. Our daughter and her fiancé were sitting with him while I spoke to Doctors and continued to try to get to the bottom of everything! As I was on the computer going through labs I got this text from our daughter who was on the front porch with him.

I knew she was scared so I went out and took over. It’s scary and I don’t want her traumatized more than she has to be. I checked his vital signs which I had been doing all day and they were still. Good blood pressure, slightly elevated pulse and 02 sat’s of 99%. When someone’s dehydrated they will get an elevated pulse. I wasn’t to concerned with that. So I let him sleep. This is when things took a very scary turn!

I went into the house to retrieve some more bloodwork numbers and to speak to another Doctor. The Doctor had suggested that maybe we should just go to the ER! Wait..ER? We can’t! NO WAY! Not unless he’s absolutely DYING because of the Corona Virus! His Doctor had already told us that if he got Corona Virus he was done. There’s no way he’d survive it. So that’s why I try to manage everything at home and with vitals being stable I’m not running him to the Corona infested ER! I feel he’s at even higher risk since this happened with his feet yesterday!

( WIDE OPEN! Perfect way for bacteria to get in so ER could be a death sentence)

My neighbor comes to do Social distant visiting with us from time to time. Michael was on the porch and I was on the computer. My neighbor has very bad knees and can hardly walk at times. When he came running through my door I knew it couldn’t be good. The next part is partially a blur but, a lot has come back to me. He yelled, “PATTY...GOOOOO I DON’T THINK MICHAEL IS ALIVE, I THINK HE DIED”! I froze! I was paralyzed for a split second. I knew he was out the front door but, I wanted to run out the back door! I was PETRIFIED! Once again I hear, “PATTY...GOOO”! I step out my front door and I look over at Michael. I also though I had lost him! I’ve already lost him once and brought him back and I was going to work so hard to do it again except, this time he hadn’t died, he just looked like he did! THANK GOD! I shook him and said his name and he took a deep breath.

Mentally this is so draining for him especially, for me and for Alyson and Phillip. Yesterday was most definitely the scariest day that we’ve had with Cancer. I continued to give Michael water in his tube and he started to bounce back. It took a lot of fluid but, it worked. I’m eternally grateful because he’s my best-friend, my husband, the best dad and the best papa and I couldn’t imagine life without him nor do I want to. What happened next was magical.

My husband of almost 15 years went out to our daughter and told her that he’s fallen even more in love with me through all of this even though he didn’t think it was possible. He asked her to join him on the front porch to videotape him proposing to me again. Of course I said, “YES”! So on September 22, 2020 we will renew our vows. Something I can’t wait to do. I’m truly married to my soulmate. That video is on @Cinnamonvideo but, it wouldn’t let me share it here. Today Michael is doing better, not great but better. We are counting our blessings and thanking GOD because I thought I lost him yesterday.

We’ve shared everything with all of you and that’s why I wrote this blog. It’s also why I shared the video of the proposal. Good or bad you’ve always been here for us. I couldn’t do this without the love, encouragement and support from all of you. Dani Torres is one of my biggest supporters and we were finally on the phone at 9 last night so I could get everything off my chest. I love you Dani and I’m eternally grateful! We will be sharing our rewedding day with all of you and I hope you join us as we renew our vows. They mean more than anything to us right now.

I share my journies in life very openly. I don’t share them for a pat on the back or for recognition but, I share with hopes that someone else will see the true rewards I receive just by offering “unconditional love” and love without any expectations!

I’ve been involved with many families because often I’m called upon to help them. Some want help or assistance when a baby is coming and they’d like me to coach them in the delivery room and some call upon me because they have a sick family member that would like to pass at home and the family is to overwhelmed by this thought. I look at both situations, births and deaths as a honor and a privilege. I only have 2 rule’s when entering these situations. Please don’t try to pay me because then it’s a job and I’m not interested and no gifts because then I didn’t do it solely out of the kindness of my heart.

Obviously this isn’t something I knew as a young girl but, as the years have gone on I’ve grasped this so much more. I’ll share with you what changed my thinking about money and gifts. I was helping a family and the woman had asked her daughter to run to the store for her. The daughter agreed to do it but only if the mom paid her $20.00! It completely broke my heart and I decided that I’d never take a penny for helping someone and I’d never accept gifts. It had to come from the deepest depths of my heart and the rewards have been endless!

I believe in Karma, good and bad. I’ve seen it work both ways and honestly, I don’t want any bad Karma coming back on me! The karma I receive is good karma. Actually it’s simply amazing karma and I’d like to continue to reap those benefits in my life. My heart is so full with love that it runith over. For this I am truly blessed.

I just got to spend time with Richard and Carol and I got to share unconditional love with them. It drove them crazy that I wouldn’t except money or gifts but, I explained to them that if I took money or gifts then I’m depriving myself of what I truly want and that’s peace in my heart. Once explained that way they respected my feelings and that was that. There’s no money or gifts that can make you feel the way you feel after providing unconditional love. If you haven’t tried it I challenge you to do so. I promise you won’t be disappointed!

People ask me constantly if my feelings get hurt when I help someone and then I don’t hear from them until they need something again and my answer to that is, “No, my feelings aren’t hurt at all”! This is why!

Can you imagine being the person that’s called upon over and over when someone’s in crisis? That’s simply amazing! That mean’s that you’ve left your mark and people know, without a doubt that you’ll be there for them, despite not hearing from them for a little while. Now that’s amazing in my opinion!

I’m not saying that you should let people use and abuse you because that’s not right either but, I do urge you to open your heart, mind and soul. Let the blessings you receive be natural blessings because money and gifts aren’t natural blessings. Your heart will be full and you’ll have satisfaction like you’ve never had! I consider myself one of the richest women in the world and honestly that statement has no bearing on my bank account. I hope you too can feel this at some point in your life if you haven’t already!

The above photo is a natural blessing. Richard hasn’t smiled in days because he just lost his wife on Sunday. He’s leaving today to start his new life in Arizona with his wonderful son Brian and his beautiful daughter Laurie but, that doesn’t come without worry and stress for him. That’s a lot of change in just a few short days! Today when I went to bid him farewell and take this photo, he smiled. My heart nearly exploded! THIS is what I live for! Not money and gifts. I’m so blessed. I hope you are too!

I shared before that I was asked by my friend Carol to help her on her end of life journey. She had been given 3-6 months because she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer that had Metastasized into her spine. She was dealing with a tremendous amount of pain and finally had become unbearable on Saturday May 9th. On the morning of May 9th Carol asked me to put her into a medication coma. The step that’s taken when the pain isn’t manageable anymore. So I did.

I called Hospice Saturday morning and told them that Carol couldn’t take anymore pain and she was ready to go to her comfort place, the place people can go before they pass, a drug induced coma. They swiftly responded and the goal of pain free was achieved by Saturday at noon! This is called the active Hospice stage by me. You still have to provide comfort care to your loved one because if you don’t keep a level of medication in them they will wake up and feel pain. Something we don’t want.

( Carol gave me permission to use these photos and to blog after her passing )

This photo above is Carol before she was all the way in her Coma. She was starting to get comfortable and holding the bear that her son gave her before he left to go back to Arizona the week before!

I worked diligently to provide Carol with the most comfort that I could possibly provide prior to her passing. It’s busy, very busy but, so rewarding once someone is peaceful and pain free.

Carol’s husband was sad but, he understood as well. He was the comic relief for the day on Saturday. He showed up at Carol’s bedroom door like this and myself and his 2 daughter’s had a great laugh. Something that’s so needed in times like this.

( Richard in a wig and glasses! So funny )

The next 30 hour’s were spent awake providing the best care that I could possibly provide. There was stress between the family and also drama but, I don’t pay attention to that because I’m there for Carol and not that. Death is stressful of course and I work hard to set the tone of “calm”, it just doesn’t always work.

( The last kiss )

Richard came in and gave his wife love and then she swiftly went to sleep due to the meds and then as I said before I worked hard to keep her comfortable. From the time she asked to be put into a coma till her last breath was 30 hours. She was a fighter. Right until the end. She was going to go but, not until she was good and ready! What a warrior!

( Michael bidding his Cancer fighting buddy, farewell! Such a beautiful moment )

At 2:17pm yesterday Carol took her last breath and I’m so honored that I was there to witness such a beautiful thing. Yes, I call it beautiful because she was no longer suffering. I told Carol to “let go” is not weak but, it’s so strong. It mean’s that she has faith that everyone will be alright despite the fact that she’s no longer here to help.

( Mine and Carol’s Hand’s )

I do not work for Hospice yet I help many families with end of life care . Most don’t want to die at the hospital but, going through a death of your family member is scary and not easy. I’m so glad that I’ve been blessed with the ability to handle such an event because I know I made a difference! I have 2 conditions that I live by when I agree to help a family. No offering money because then it’s a job and no gifts because then I’m not doing it out of the kindness of my heart.

Today Carol is our new angel and I’m winding down. I was obviously so exhausted last night after 30 hours of active hospice care. I have peace in my heart because I know she no longer is suffering and I played a little part in that. I will probably stay in pajamas today and just rest and reflect on this journey and know deep in my heart that I made a difference in 1 Families life yesterday.

Rest in Paradise my beautiful Carol 🙏🏻

So we’ve decided that you’ve all been so supportive through Michael’s journey with Cancer that we wanted to share a feeding with you all!

Check out how Michael gets nuroshment everyday now! We are so blessed!

Thank you ALL for your love and support! It mean’s the world to us and wouldn’t want to do it without you ♥️

So today my baby-girl turned 28 years old! Of course as her mom I was a wreck worrying about making my precious child feel “Celebrated” so we went all in! What a GREAT Birthday she had! This is what happens after the parade!

(The day Alyson came home! 4 days old )

Today was feeling pretty good and he was so determined to take care of Alyson’s Birthday all on his own! I was pleasantly surprised by this and very grateful too. You see Michael isn’t Alyson’s birth father but, he most definitely is her DAD! The only one she has in her life! The bond between Alyson and Michael makes me so happy! So off he goes on a independent adventure! The results were astonishing!

We have a Birthday fund set aside and each child is giving a gift that’s $100 or less. Well, when dad shops I guess he doesn’t mind tapping into another child’s birthday money if he finds a gift that he feels suits them! This was the results of today’s shopping and Michael was so proud of himself!

We did the Birthday parade with the family and it turned out so beautiful! We had these big confetti poppers and boy did that stuff fly! So fun! We sang Happy Birthday, showered her with gifts, flowers and balloons and then eveyone went home because well, the Corona virus.

This is a behind the scene peek of what happens when the parade is over! The cake is placed on the counter!

The gifts are opened with just the family you live with! Nobody else can watch! Thank goodness for videos!

( From Mason-Baby )

( More from Mason )

( Dads gift a HUGE hit ) WTG Dad!

( Poor Bella! Alyson’s dog gets the paper from the flowers and no, she wasn’t amused)

The Chinese food she so desperately wanted was picked up so she could have her favorite Birthday dinner and now we will hunker down and eat that cake! Ya, I said cake again!

Alyson’s is so grateful for her Birthday parade and it was fun giving you a behind the scenes look at what happens after the parade! Now we will go finish celebrating Alyson and then call it a day! Here’s to another wonderful year for Alyson, my heart and soul!

It’s funny how we take things in life for granted. Little things like a meal. Nutrition for our bodies. Our fuel, our energy and something we need to live! Most of us do take food for granted. We assume it will be there, we eat it and never think twice about it. Right? Well, this simple concept doesn’t apply to everyone and that’s so sad.

I’ve never been one to be able to stand anyone being hungry. It’s a tool my children used to stay up later and that was fine by me. I’d rather be “tricked” than have to think that my babies were hungry!

A homeless person on the street wouldn’t get cash from me because I’d fear they’d buy alcohol or drugs but, I will buy them their meal of choice! I will feed anyone! I think most of us will. It’s just uncomfortable knowing someone is hungry!

So what happens when your husband is diagnosed with throat cancer and loses his ability to eat? How do you watch the man you love with all of our heart just fade away day by day without losing it yourself? You don’t! You can’t and you WILL take action!

Michael literally lost his ability to eat and the Doctor hadn’t placed a feeding tube in him. Something that he told us that Michael would need, eventually! The Doctor denied him a feeding tube and that was my breaking point! Yes, I lost it! When I finally made that phone call I was a force to be reckoned with! I can watch soneone in a little pain and give them love and support but, I can’t watch someone starve!

When the Doctor and I spoke I said to him, “Won’t it be so crazy if my husband dies from starvation when he’s got a cancer with a 98% CURE rate??! Then it all clicked. Michael wasn’t playing anything up, he truly couldn’t eat or even drink!

Yesterday our lives became so much happier because he was brought in and he recieved his feeding tube! AMEN! The man can be given nutrition again! Something I feared would never happen! I truly was that scared.

This little tiny button in Michael’s belly will provide him with the nutrition that he need’s to sustain life while going through this horrible cancer treatment!

I get to feed him 5 times a day and I’ve never been happier feeding someone! Now I’m not going to tell you that I slave over the hot stove but, there’s lots of “prep” involved in a feeding.

I don’t use pots and pans anymore but, I still use measuring cups! Yes, everything must be measured out. I give him 3 OZ of water to start and then 4 OZ of his formula. Once I’m done delivering the formula I flush his tube with another 3 OZ’s of water. We don’t want a clogged tube!

We get 1 on 1 time during his time of nurishment. His chair is the big one and I sit in front of him. The table is where all of my supplies are! 5 times a day we get to do this! Are we blessed? We are truly beyond blessed and we truly enjoy this time together!

I will forever be grateful for this tube that brings nutrition right to Michael’s stomach. I never have to watch him pull himself around the house because he’s so weak from lack of food. I’ll never have to cry myself to sleep because I know that my love is literally, starving! When his throat is at it’s worst I can even deliver his pain pill through this 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻

I’m a very grateful wife tonight and I have a very full husband and he is full of smiles and joy. He said he’d never walk past a homeless person again because he’s now experienced starving himself. If anyone reading this ever finds themselves in a situation where they don’t have money for food or access to food please reach out! If you come to me I promise you that I’ll find a way to feed you! I did with Michael! Our home has a whole new spirit about it and it’s because everyone that’s living in it has been nurished. Something that we will never take for granted.

Whoa, what a ride! I’m going to share a story about overcoming obstacles that keep trying to hold me back! Buckle up and come along on this crazy ride called..Life!

We all know that Michael’s journey with Cancer and treatment has been anything but easy! We’ve hit brick wall after brick wall and it’s so frustrating! The one thing I promised him was the fact that as long as he never gave up then I wouldn’t either and I haven’t!

Quitting to me is not an option because I want my husband to live and he’s so sick and Doctor naive that he need’s my driving force and my voice! I shared in a previous blog about how the Doctor made him feel and that whole situation brought me up a notch! I was in “FIGHT” mode! How dare them disrespect my husband! Not today and not any day! Period! So I fought on!

Michael has needed a Feeding Tube since the 2nd week of treatment and they thought they were going to deny this! Oh no they aren’t. This man is literally starving to death and yes, you can die from lack of nutrition as we all know! Michael took his last bite of food on Thursday and here it is Monday and no, he doesn’t have a feeding tube!

When I spoke to the Nurse I said to her, “WOW, wouldn’t it be something if Michael died from lack of nutrition when he’s got a Cancer with a 98% cure rate? DING, DING, DING..the bells went off and it truly opened her eye’s! I also told her that god forbid that happens because I will spend the rest of my miserable day’s telling his story! That got her attention! Mission complete!

Thing’s didn’t move the way they should have or as fast but, with baby-steps we’ve gotten to where we need to be! They called me today to say that the Feeding Tube would be going in on Wednesday! WAIT, WHAT? Wednesday?? That’s 2 day’s away and he’s already starving to death! I expressed how unhappy I was with this and why and the nurse said she’s call me back!

In about 15 minutes that nurse did call back and Michael will be getting his feeding tube..TOMORROW! Hence, another victory however, it should have been done way before now! I’m grateful though and I don’t want to lose sight of that. Thank GOD my husband only has to starve for the rest of today! YES, we’ve got this!

I will keep pushing forward and I will fight with every ounce I have in me! He’s not only my husband but, he’s my best-friend, he’s our Children’s father and the best Papa to our grandchildren! We ALL need this man and he’s worth every ounce of this fight! I didn’t want it to be this way but, the Doctor and Hospital have forced my hand. I will fight for the other ½ of me as long as I have breath in me! Never- ever- ever- give up!

I wanted to share this video that was made for Michael and I by the one and only “XRPGORD”! He’s been one amazing friend through this journey and even before and we are so grateful! The support from the XRP community and the Coil community has also been outstanding! A special shout out to Dani Torres for being my rock. When I feel I can’t even take the next breath she’s there cheering me on! I love you Dani and I couldn’t do this without you nor would I want to. You’ve brought me so much strength! I love you all ♥️🙏🏻

I’ve got a burning in my soul and it’s because I have a major job to do! I have to not only be my voice but, I also have to be Michael’s voice! Am I up for this challenge? Keep reading to find out!

Yesterday when Michael got home from treatment he was miserable. Now there’s different levels of miserable while fighting this Cancer but, yesterday’s was different. He can’t speak much so I don’t ask many questions. I watched him closely however and I knew something was very wrong. I asked him if he was alright and he gave me the “yes” nod of the head! So I assumed it was the pain!

It became dinner time and boy that’s super awkward in my house now! I mean everyone’s got to eat but, Michael just can’t. Between the burning and the tumor it’s practically impossible! He doesn’t want us to not eat of course so we proceed.

Michael was in the dining room and myself, Alyson, Phillip and Mason were in the living room. All of a sudden, out of the blue Michael picks up a yogurt he’s trying to hard to eat and in his best screaming voice he said, “I CAN’T BE WEAK, I EAT THIS OR I DIE”! After that, you could hear a pin drop..complete...silence!

I knew then that something had gotten to Michael and that burning in my soul was HOT and I was going to find out! I knew it wasn’t good! A man with 3rd degree burn doesn’t scream. They just don’t.

The kids went downstairs and I went and sat with Michael. I asked him what happened to make him snap like that. The words that followed tore me up! He said, “The Doctor made me feel really bad today. He belittled me for not eating and basically said I’m weak, being dramatic and overreacting”! He also told Michael that he wouldn’t be getting a feeding tube so he just had to eat!! He can’t even drink water mind you! Oppos. Game over Doc! The fire wasn’t burning in my soul anymore because I was, ON FIRE!

I reassured Michael and told him I’d take care of this situation promptly and I did!

I dropped him off at treatment this morning and I called the nurses. I was ready to yet again fight this battle! Nobody and I mean nobody was going to disrespect my husband who’s absolutely suffering! Nobody!

We can’t afford to have one negative player on our team! We just can’t. This is hard. Really hard and we must keep the positive flow going and that’s even impossible at times but, we do our very best!

I told the person I talked to that the Oncologist made Michael feel a certain way and it was completely unacceptable! Michael isn’t just “not eating” because he doesn’t want to..he’s not eating because he’s got 3rd degree burns and a TUMOR! Yes, that’s what the Doctor forgot! He forgot that Michael has a tumor that’s invading his throat! I told the person I talked to that the pain management has been horrible, the disrespect that he’s been given by the Doctor himself has been beyond inappropriate and I was done with the negativity! She asked if we were going to fire Doctor. Mason and I said it wasn’t my place and I do believe in 2nd chances but, this was the last chance. One ounce of disrespect and my husband will give the blessing to OUST him and I already have another Oncologist lined up! I’m done!

Happy endings. Do you believe in them? I do. I do because I’ve had a couple of happy endings this week or maybe I’ll call them, “Sweet Victories”!

The Doctor went and met with Michael this morning and said it’s time for a feeding tube! AMEN! Can I get a AMEN? He also upped all the pain medication! All of them. So many to work with that he also wrote NARCAN! Now we won’t be overdosing Michael but, he’s opiate niave and if the medication is to strong and there’s any issues, I can swiftly fix it. The Doctor treated Michael with the upmost respect and was even empathetic towards him. To me this is sweet victory!

Being an advocate for someone is nothing to take lightly. If you’re signed up to be “the voice” then you really need that burning desire in your soul! You’ve gotta take it seriously and you must keep the flame burning. We already had 1 uphill battle this week and won and just when I thought the battle was over, another came! It’s an honor and a privilege to be someone’s voice and I hope I never let Michael down!

We will not dwell. We will keep moving forward in a positive direction! We will be grateful for our victory big or small. We will know that there’s a end somewhere’s. It might seem impossible now but, we are getting there! 14 DOWN and 21 to GO!