A Letter To The Void

A place for me to keep my poetry.

Author’s Note: This song/poem has heavy overtones of relationship abuse. Please be aware of that before you read.

I’ve never been the one to think I’m waiting on their time But days go by I’m wondering if they’re really satisfied They tell me that that love me, and they’re happy to oblige But when I ask for more forgiveness, it’s too much, I can’t deny

I let myself believe that I’m the one who’s done wrong And I can fix it baby, please, just let me write this little song All the problems, all the issues, I can change myself you’ll see I can mold myself so maybe you’ll stop yelling at me, please

They’re wonderful, they’re pleasant, and I tell them every day They message me on weekdays, other friends must stay away When we’re calling every night I hear their voice just start to fade They’re telling me it’s fine, and yet I know it’s not okay

I let myself believe that I’m the one who’s done wrong And I can fix it baby, please, just let me write this little song All the problems, all the issues, I can change myself you’ll see I can mold myself so maybe you’ll stop yelling at me, please

I want them to be happy, I want them to be pleased Why can’t I just be perfect? I’ll be anything they need Since when did love become a game of trying to succeed I hate this, every day I cry, I need to be set free

(And yet) I let myself believe that I’m the one who’s done wrong And I can fix it baby, please, just let me write this little song All the problems, all the issues, I can change myself you’ll see I can mold myself so maybe you’ll stop yelling at me, please

All the problems, all the issues, I can change myself you’ll see I can mold myself so maybe you’ll stop yelling at me, please

[Epilogue]

(I love you, I just want you to love me... No, please, please say something... No don’t leave please just- I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, you’re right.... I’ll stop talking to them... I’m sorry, please... Okay. Yes... Alright... I love you.... Are you okay?... I love you... I’m sorry... I’ll change, please just don’t leave me...)

Author's note: here's a bit of freeform poetry I wrote a while back that I thought I'd share. I know it doesn't flow super well, but I'm proud of it, and I think it's good sometimes to write stuff that's a bit off beat when it's meaningful to do so

Empty hearts and empty sheets I'm sleeping in my dreams And I wish I could say they were the same feel that I get when I see your name on my screen Wish you were in my dreams when I'm fast asleep and I can't control the pace or the scene But when I wake up it's still a fantasy I'm alone and unseen Empty hearts and black dreams I'm sleeping in my sheets And I wish that I could say you were here with me when I wake up and hear your name in my mind Wish you were by my side and held tight and I can't convey how good it feels every time But when I wake up it's still a fantasy I'm alone and unseen Tell me the difference between day dreaming and the way you pass right through my hands when I try to hold you I'm missing someone I've never felt in the presence of my room or my heart before and I can't explain it, can't convey it Still just writing lines to a void that comforts me as much as the paper I'd recycle when I'm done bleeding ink on the page

Hi! I'm Alice, and um... Uh. I have something I wanna say, I guess...

Fuck yeah, I'm a trans girl A “fuck the thoughts you had” girl Yeah, I'm a bad bitch and I won't clean up my act, girl

Hah

I'm a poet and a hot mess Don't wear a fucking suit and tie, I wanna wear cute dress (moan) “Yes, ma'am,” damn, I bet you wanna date this Well, get in line, sweetie, I'm in high demand, wait list

Yeah

And I'm impatient Only 3 months, downed the pills, and it leaves me fuckin restless Your heart is on my wish list Got pussy on my mind and not just 'cus I wanna lick clits

Damn Better calm down a bit here (Is it hot in here? Or is that just me?)

You should keep your distance You should never stay You should learn your lesson I’m never okay I’ll always be wanting More than I can say Use your fucking head now And please stay away “I’ll never be happy” That’s the simple phrase Always pushing boundaries Always such a pain Writing lines is hopeless Just pills to help delay You should learn your lesson I’m never okay

Mhm mhm. (It’s time for a break)

I’m never satisfied, don’t you think that you’d agree? Just a sad, pathetic, hopeless mess with endless strife and grief You can say that I’m perfection, you can tell me that you care You can say I deserve better, now just let me go from there I’m nobody’s posession, no one’s aiming for my pride And deserving better never helped me, I think that’s a lie Now it’s not about attention, and it’s not about my worth It’s not about a partnership I’ll never find on Earth It’s the simple fact I’m broken and I’m tearing at the seams Try to keep myself together helping other people, see?

I worry about people I worry how I’m seen I worry what they think of me when I’m not on their screen I worry if they think of me at all, just the same I wonder if they worry ‘bout me too, when they’re in-game I always seem to focus on if everyone’s alright I always seem to go to bed and wonder through the night

“Are they okay?” “Did they see me?” “Am I helping?” I’m repeating

I go to bed I close my eyes Another day Another night

Do you remember? The first time that we had met Oh, I'm sure I don't regret that memory Do you remember? It's a story I'll forget But the resolution finds itself yet

You said you'd never leave me, hun Oh, please just don't deceive me, hun My honeysuckle, lemon sweetener She won't leave me if I keep her Close and in my comfort space I know my heart I can't replace But if you find the heart to keep me I know that you'll never leave me

Do you remember? It's getting harder to forget Every memory we make along the way Do you remember? The first time I called you “friend” Oh, the resolution finds itself yet

You said you'd never leave me, hun Oh, please just don't deceive me, hun My honeysuckle, lemon sweetener She won't leave me if I keep her Close and in my comfort space I know my heart I can't replace But if you find the heart to keep me I know that you'll never leave me

Honeysuckle, lemon sweetener She won't leave me if I keep her But if you find the heart to keep me I know that you'll never lead me on

Do you remember? Every day I don't regret Oh, I'm sure I won't forget your simple smile Do you remember? Hopefully you're satisfied Cus the resolution lets me stay a while

Listen to the song on Soundcloud

Iced coffee on a cold Winter's day Iced coffee bittersweet at the taste Do you see me? I probably fade Fade into darkness and I'll go away

Hmm....

Why can't you see me this mirror is broken Why can't you see me I can't be this broken Every line keeping me from satisfaction I'm wondering why you can keep me in traction I'm falling I'm sinking this love is a sinkhole I don't understand why you keep me, this freakshow I see you and there's so much better contestants Competing and winning and gaining attention And I'm consolation, the prize for obsession Don't know why you'd even give me just a second

Iced coffee on a cold Winter's day Iced coffee bittersweet at the taste Do you see me? I probably fade Fade into darkness and I'll go away

Hmmmm.... Hmmmm.... Hmmmm.... (it's like... I don't really even know why I bother) Hmmmm.... (am I even worth paying attention to in the first place?) Hmmmm.... Hmmmm....

Audio reading

Death is like a memory. Ceaseless, and comforting Knowing things will end has always helped me feel like I'm free I can do what I want, I can say what I feel In the end, I know, I know the end is coming, what's the deal?

I'm looping, I'm stagnant, Feel like I'm on repeat My heart has got a leak

I'm writing These lines About my broken dreams About my fucking sheets

I'm hating my thoughts About my bad streaks About my endless sleep

break free break free break free break free

And when the thoughts and my memories come flowing through an endless string I can't stop typing because they never stop they never cease I'm just a stream of consciousness, typing on a digital sheet Some lines they'll never read, a face they'll never see And if this is the end of me then please try to remember me I'm breaking down, I'm broken, but I'm still here and you're seeing me Why can't I stop these bad feelings? I know everyone cares for me

but all I see when I look at the broken screen are the fears and insecurities

I'm nothing I'm hopeless I'm looping I'm on repeat