Paws and Pages: Bookwolf's Blog

My broken Self

In the morning haze, I wake, A prisoner of thoughts that ache, Feeling fat, disgusting, low, Ugly, bloated, sinking slow. Hate consumes this soul of mine, Disdain for all I seem to find, My body, burdened, can't erase, Its flaws, its faults, its every trace. Clothed in doubt, I wear my pain, Every imperfection, stain, Numbers on the scale repeat, An earworm's haunting, cruel deceit. Revolving in my mind they dance, A taunting, tormenting trance, Knocking down my fragile wall, Confidence, a fleeting squall. The smallest things, they wield great might, My worth eroding out of sight, Bike shorts, words, and memories' grasp, Each taking turns in this cruel clasp. Others' words, they fall on deaf ears, I can't embrace what they hold dear, Pretty, not fat, they say to me, But beauty's truth, I cannot see. I buy new things to fill the void, A new facade, but still annoyed, With every coat, and shoe, and dress, Inside, I'm still a shapeless mess. Messed up, worthless, and alone, Useless, horrid, I bemoan, No hope or light to guide my way, In this dark pit, I'm meant to stay. Through shattered mirrors, I glimpse my form, A distorted figure, lost and torn, A prisoner of my own disdain, Locked in a cycle of endless pain. Whispers echo, haunting my mind, All my flaws, they seem to bind, Society's standards, a relentless foe, Shattering the fragments of my ego. Comparisons, a venomous blade, Piercing deeper with each tirade, Envy festers, consuming my heart, Tearing me apart, tearing me apart. I long to break free from this strife, To find solace in a kinder life, But the shadows cast upon my soul, Drown out every glimmer of hope. In the silence, I weep and pray, For a chance to see a brighter day, To mend the fragments of my worth, To heal the wounds, to find my birth. But until then, I remain confined, A captive to a wounded mind, A journey through this night so long, Searching for where I belong. So if you see me in the haze, Remember, kindness goes a long way, For we all bear burdens deep within, In this battle, let compassion win.

Taking Back My Identity.

In the depths of virtual realms, I live a tale of pain, Where wounds from the past persist, still haunting my domain. In 2019, the cyber attacker's words struck with cruel intent, Their hurtful venom lingers, my heart still clenched in their fist. The troll emerged, fueled by malice and disdain, Their words, like sharpened arrows, causing endless strain. “Fat and ugly,” their insults sliced through my soul, A constant reminder that shattered my self-control. They labeled me a 300-pound pile of flesh, Reducing me to an object, a target for their thresh. Perfect for men's fetishes, their twisted desires, A haunting notion that fueled my inner fires. With explicit detail, they claimed unspeakable acts, Describing their atrocities, as my trust it impacts. They attacked my self-esteem, my very being, Leaving scars on my spirit, forever seeing. My appearance, my voice, my way of being, They assailed every aspect, endlessly demeaning. They wove fictitious tales, painting a darkened past, Alleging abuse from my parents, their lies cast. Under their relentless assault, my belief began to sway, My self-esteem crumbled, lost in disarray. I struggled to believe the words of those who cared, Their compliments felt hollow, unable to repair. I was trapped in self-hate, doubting my own worth, Every compliment doubted, a cruel inner mirth. I second-guessed myself, my every action and thought, The troll's words had poisoned, my confidence distraught. Yet amidst the torment, a flicker of hope I see, A whisper of self-acceptance, urging me to be free. Slowly, I'm learning to embrace my inner light, To defy the troll's words, reclaiming my right. It's an arduous journey, a work in progress, it's true, Rebuilding shattered self-esteem, healing the residue. I strive to believe the love others bestow, Gradually embracing their truth, letting my self-worth grow. For though the troll's words still echo, they're not my own, I refuse to be defined by the seeds they've sown. I am beautiful, despite the troll's cruel game, Reclaiming my self-belief, extinguishing their flame. So let their hateful words fade, like echoes in the night, I choose to rise above, bask in my own light. For I am more than their lies, their vicious attack, I reclaim my strength, never looking back.

Embraced by Love

In her arms, a sanctuary I find, A place where solace gently unwinds. A haven where I feel secure, so warm, A love so deep, it weathers any storm. With her, I'm home, embraced by grace, A refuge where I find my rightful place. Her touch, a balm, eases every care, In her tender arms, I'm unaware. She lifts me up with strength and might, A beacon guiding me through darkest night. Her belief in me, an unwavering light, Empowering my spirit to take flight. With her support, I conquer mountains high, For her unwavering love, I'll reach the sky. In her embrace, I find unwavering belief, A love that offers endless relief. Together, we navigate life's winding road, Side by side, sharing each heavy load. Her love, a compass, guiding our way, Together, we'll triumph, come what may. In her arms, I find my solace, my bliss, A love that's true, sealed with a gentle kiss. With her by my side, I'm forever strong, For in her arms, I know where I belong

In the Colors of My Heart.

In the stillness of my soul, a truth emerges, A secret longing that time now converges. With trembling words, I seek to share, A part of myself, loving, and rare. Friends and family, hear me today, As I open my heart in a courageous display. In the tapestry of my being, vibrant and true, I embrace a truth, a part of me I share with you. I am the hues of the rainbow's delight, In the spectrum of love, I find my light. For I am bi, an identity so bold, A kaleidoscope of emotions untold. With each passing day, my love expands, Beyond the boundaries society demands. Both women and men ignite my soul, In their beauty and hearts, I find my role. Acceptance and understanding I yearn to receive, To know that my journey, you will believe. For love knows no limits, no judgment, no shame, In embracing who I am, we'll all gain. Let us celebrate the colors that define, The love that intertwines, yours and mine. Together we'll dance in unity's grace, A family that stands, love interlaced. I share this truth, vulnerable and free, Hoping you'll see and truly embrace me. With open hearts and open minds, Let's create a world where love always finds. So to my dear friends and family near, Know that my bisexuality, I hold dear. I stand here before you, authentic and true, With love in my heart, I am coming out to you

Unknown Identity

In shadows deep, a girl resides, Uncertain, battling the tides, Battlescarred, she carries pain, Seeking answers to her name. A victim of a haunting past, Her steps are hesitant, amassed With questions swirling in her mind, A quest for truth she hopes to find. Uncertain of her own embrace, She yearns for solace, seeking grace, In search of whispers from her soul, To piece together her shattered whole. Love's tendrils twine within her heart, Yet doubts encroach, tearing apart Her fragile dreams, as shadows loom, Casting doubt on love's sweet bloom. Should she take flight, love to pursue, Or linger in the shadows, subdued? Unsure if they reciprocate, A delicate dance of love and fate. In the midst of darkness, she yearns, For light's warm touch, her heart discerns, A change that whispers through her core, A path she's never walked before. Hope emerges from within, A glimmer where new dreams begin, She finds the strength to shed her fears, Embracing growth, through change she steers. For in the chasms of her soul, She longs to find a sense of whole, To belong, to thrive, to be set free, From doubts and fears that used to be. She walks the path with cautious stride, Her spirit brave, her doubts pushed aside, Embracing truth, her light will shine, As she discovers her own divine. Through battlescarred and shattered dreams, She learns to love, to trust, it seems, For in her heart, a fire will burn, A radiant soul, eager to learn. So let her journey bring her peace, As uncertainty begins to cease, For in her quest, she'll come to see, Her truest self, and set it free. Hope and yearning guide her way, Through change's dance, she'll find her sway, And in her essence, she'll belong, A girl reborn, forever strong.

Unveiling the Light Within.

In the depths of her being, a woman resides, Uncertain, battle-scarred, where hope subsides. Weary from trauma's relentless toll, She carries burdens that have taken their toll. Plagued by thoughts that haunt her mind, A heavy burden she struggles to unwind. But within her heart, a flicker remains, A yearning for solace, to break free from chains. She questions her worth, lost in the night, As darkness threatens to consume her light. Unsure of her identity's true domain, She seeks answers, a balm for her pain. In the depths of despair, she longs to find, A purpose, a direction, to leave no doubt behind. Yearning for support, uplifting embrace, To find a tribe that nurtures, leaving no trace. For in this world, self-doubt takes hold, A battle within, where self-hate unfolds. But she deserves love, like any other soul, To find solace, to heal and be whole. Let the whispers of hope break through the gloom, Guiding her steps towards a brighter bloom. May she find strength in the embrace of love, A sanctuary, lifting her high above. Surrounding herself with those who uplift, Empathy and compassion, her spirit's gift. In their presence, may she discover her worth, Unveiling her essence, her truest rebirth. For she is more than her scars and her strife, A survivor, a warrior, embracing life. In the tapestry of existence, she'll find her place, A resounding echo of belonging and grace. Let her journey unfold, with purpose and light, Unveiling her true self, shining ever so bright. May she discover the beauty within her core, Embracing her worth, forevermore.

Resilient Spirits; Embracing the Wild Within

In the depths of the forest, a lone wolf roams, Through moonlit shadows, it finds its home. A creature untamed, fierce and wild, With eyes that reflect an ancient child. Its heart beats strong, a primal call, Echoing through the night, it stands tall. A cry of longing, a yearning for more, To break free from chains and soar. Amidst the pack, wolves gather near, In unity they conquer doubt and fear. Together they howl, a chorus of souls, Bearing witness to scars, both old and bold. For within their depths, a sadness resides, An aching reminder of battles and tides. Yet in that pain, seeds of change take root, Hope blossoms, healing starts to shoot. They hold onto faith, with unwavering trust, Embracing new beginnings, turning scars to dust. Each trauma endured, both physical and mental, Fueling growth, making them resilient, transcendental. From darkness emerges a guiding light, Transforming shadows, igniting the fight. They walk a path towards strength and grace, Embracing challenges, embracing their space. In the tapestry of life, the wolf's tale is told, A testament to resilience, brave and bold. Through challenges faced, they find their worth, Discovering the beauty in reclaiming Earth. So let the wolf's story be a guiding flame, For all who carry scars, no two the same. In growth and transformation, we find our way, From the ashes of the past, we rise, we sway. Together, we embrace our spirits untamed, As wolves, resilient, our wildness reclaimed. In unity, we conquer doubt and fear, Let our howls echo, our souls draw near. For in our scars, strength and beauty reside, A testament to resilience, brave and wide.

My Self-Imposed Kindle Ban.

The other day, I wrote about putting myself on a kindle ban and taking another look at the collection of books in my apple library. I've been trying to read different books throughout the week using apple books, and I am finding that the enjoyment is not there. Whether it's because I read these books several years ago and my reading tastes have changed, or the new changes and updates apple have made to the app, I am just not liking the ban at the moment. The apple books experience is far different to the kindle one, and my reasoning for not liking the ban partially comes from app design. While in both apps I can open the book and read, Kindle has a nicer page layout. Apple succeeds in the book finding department. Both apps have good points and bad points, it's just that kindles reading experience is far more preferable to me and what I read. I will continue trying to read books in apple Books, however, for me to still enjoy reading, I need to return to kindle. Did I fail? Only slightly, I'd say.

The Darkness.

I'm lost. Lost in endless darkness, its tendrils wrapping around me, sapping away the light that once fuelled me, leaving no sign of it. My ability to smile is gone, replaced by a fleeting ghost of a smile that never reaches my eyes. Though I keep walking, step by step, searching for even a glimmer of light to guide me out, something tells me that I'll never find it. Maybe it's the darkness talking, but it's all I feel these days. Lost, hopeless, nothing. Though I am surrounded by darkness, I will keep on walking, keep on pushing through, pulling the tendrils of it away from me with all that I am and all that I have. The darkness will not consume me, for there is light in the distance.

The Hallway.

My footsteps echoed as I traversed the long hallway, the vast empty space around me stark and sterile except for the black doors spaced equally along the hall. Looking down at my outfit, I chuckled, realizing that despite my attempts to blend in, I stood out. The sound of my laughter bounced off the walls and returned to me like an echo. As I walked, I couldn't help but feel a sense of unease – this place was not like any I had seen before. The black doors were all identical, and I couldn't see any markings or numbers to distinguish one from the other. I took a deep breath and approached the nearest door. Without hesitation, I turned the handle and pushed the door open. The room inside was dark and cold, and the air was thick with the smell of mold and decay. I could barely make out the outlines of old furniture and cobwebs in the gloom. I quickly closed the door, shuddering at the thought of what lay inside. I knew I had to keep moving, though – there had to be a way out of this strange place. As I continued down the hall, I heard a faint noise coming from one of the doors. It was a soft moaning sound, and it sent chills down my spine. I approached the door cautiously and listened for a moment. The sound grew louder, and I realized that it was the sound of someone crying. I opened the door slowly and peered inside. The room was empty except for a figure huddled in the corner, its face buried in its hands. I could tell from the shape of the body that it was a woman, and she looked up as the door creaked open. “Who are you?” the woman asked, her voice hoarse from crying. “I don't know,” I replied, realizing as I said it that it was the truth. “I woke up here, and I don't remember anything before that.” The woman stood up and approached me, her eyes scanning me from head to toe. “You're not like the others,” she said finally. “They're all the same – drones, following orders without question. But you... you're different.” I felt a sense of relief wash over me. Maybe this woman could help me find my way out of this place. “Do you know where we are?” I asked. The woman shook her head. “I don't know exactly. But I do know that we're not supposed to be here.” The two of us stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do next. But then we heard footsteps echoing down the hall, and we both knew we had to hide. We quickly slipped into the room and closed the door behind us, waiting in silence as the footsteps grew louder and then faded away. As we waited, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something familiar about this place. I couldn't remember why, but I knew that I had been here before. And I knew that I had to find a way out – no matter what it took.