My family member often thinks that I’m ‘overthinking’ about things like the WiFi when we were having problems with it, or something philosophical or political about the future. Despite them knowing that I’m autistic and tend to have hyper-fixations sometimes, they still don’t know the full scope of my patterns. In my opinion, being a deep thinker is a good thing, because I have more time to think about many things while others have less time due to their social lives or other factors.
Whenever I think of a bittersweet topic, my train of thought often rapidly go from one sad topic to another, and eventually themes of the nature of existence, and death v_v .
I shed some tears every time afterwords :'( , and it’s uncomfortable. It even happens when I was having peaceful or happy thoughts beforehand.
I should have stuck to positive thoughts, but I just cannot do that. I'm unable to do that sometimes. But... is it healthy? Does this make me more self-conscious, and feel more empathetic towards others?
I never realized that my body and soul needs to be in a library.
Every time I'm in a crowded mall, especially during weekends in the afternoon, I feel overwhelmed. People kept walking in and out without consistent pacing or direction, nor do they often have manners when they bump into me or not move out of the way when I need to pass though. People are also too fucking loud, especially those annoying kids when they goof off in public. I remember seeing a boy and his dumbass father making pterodactyl noises for fun while I was there drinking my decaf latte at Second Cup close by. I kept thinking to myself “Yall have no awareness, manners, self-control, or respect for other people...”.
My mind kept screaming “I want to get the fuck outta here PLEASE! I want to find someplace quieter”. But there was rarely any remotely quiet places in this noisy hellscape...
The other day, I try to build a habit of going to a library more often for a change of pace. And I often feel much more peaceful with that kind of environment. I can use the computers or just read some interesting books in the absence of people chatting or their fucking awful body odor. But there are times when kids come to the library after school hours and start running around and playing loudly (where's the librarian lady when we needed her to tell these kids to STFU? Once again, parents are failing to tech their children self-control and respect to people's peace...)
The library has calm me down quite a bit in a time of a major depressive episode. I didn't have to always be in the presence of obnoxious people, (including my family). I had a small place to myself, sensory speaking.
– v -
For many years, I was binging on countless random YouTube videos for most hours everyday. Videos like gameplays, drama videos, political news, and video essays.
Back then, I craved for constant stimulation. Otherwise I would feel bored to death. And whenever my family or other people in public wanted to talk to me or help them with somethings, I tend to get irritated and told them to leave me alone. All I cared about was the noise from my phone...
But since I've been progressing from addictive habits to more healthier ones like reading, journaling, and listening to music, I feel much more calm and less irritable. This time, my brain crave for relaxation and learning something meaningful.
Nowadays, I feel I don't even want to go back to the binging days ever again. I rather be in peace than being addicted to pointless and overwhelming activities.
The more I'm being careful with my habits on the internet, the more I realize the truth: my attention is limited during the day, as if it's like a cognitive currency. So I have to be smarter with how I use this.
These days, I've been planning on what to consume and for how long, as well as when to take breaks. It takes quite a bit of thinking, but it's better than draining my attention on pointless things.
