katelovesorange

begining of feb i think i might be able to write a post and not cry all the way through it. brent has been gone now just over 2 weeks. i am finding the days long and the nights even longer. i cant sleep, i am awake every hour. i wonder around the house and feel so lost being alone here all the time.

i have no interest in doing anything. i have no desire to eat. i weighed myself this morning and have lost 2 more pounds. i stopped making any new trading cards. i was thinking of clearing off the kitchen table but even that seems like too much work. so i just left it all. maybe i will pick it up again. sometimes when i go to bed i come up with new ideas for cards, that is not even happening. i have not done any knitting in a very long time. i am not finding any joy in it right now. i need to go downstairs still and get some yard to give away to a friend. its not like i dont have enough to give away.

winter has really set in the last few days. its very cold and the wind is coming from the front of the house which means the house feels cold.

a neighbour came by and dropped off a banana bread and card. it was very nice of her and her husband. i had never really met them.

feb 20. i was not sure i would write again. i am finding things painful. when i see things like brent is gone in black and white , it makes it so much more real.

he has been gone a month now. i went back to weeks after 2 weeks of leave. work is so hard i am so sad and just dont want to be there.

i am not feeling up to cooking or chores. i do what i must and leave the rest for another day. i know lots need to be done. most times i feel like whats the point.

the kids have not called me at all. so i guess i am well and truly alone. dont think anyone would notice if i died right now.

brent would have been 65 this year. a big birthday. i will be 60. another big change. i will be alone for my birthday. i would imagine brents ashes will be with me . i might make my own cake or just buy one. most likely i will be working like always. i really wanted to make this birthday special for him. my dad died at 57. so making it this far for me is great.

i am not loosing weight right now. seems when i am really sad i eat. been trying not to but i am alone so much and have no accountability to anyone so i eat. i have to stop. work will do that. i will have no time to eat there.

its clear and cold today. a week ago was my last day with brent. the last day in which we had a conversation , the last day i took care of him and he knew i loved him. the last time he was lucid with me. for the next morning he was gone. i dont regret taking the time off to look after him. i wish i could have done more for him.

i have to go for a covid test today. i dont want to go back to the hospital. too many reminders right now. but i have to , i need to go back to work soon. i have to pay bills now with no help.

my grandmother was widowed twice. i wish i could ask her how she got through it. how she was able to live each day alone.

i have to clean the aviary, i have been putting it off as i just dont feel up to it, but its sat and i wont be getting any calls and i dont have any appts. so i might as well get it done.

i have not heard from my kids since brent died. so i guess i cant count on them for any help with anything.

for the first time in many years i want a drink. i never had a drinking problem ever. if anything i avoided it. right now i just want one i dont know why. i cant though with the meds i am on it would not be a good idea.

i cant seem to get it together. i am loosing tools and supplies and i lost my last shopping list.

i spoke to one of brents friends last night. i was really nice talking to him again after so long. we agreed to get together for coffee and homemade muffins. not sure when but it will be nice. i was hoping to chat with someone today online but i guess people are busy with their own lives...life does go on when someone dies.....

its been a very long and lonely week. even when brent was in the house someplace i didnt feel alone. i dont like coming home anymore. i miss him yelling out welcome home honey. i miss him. the house feels so cold and lonely. its like when he left so did all the warmth and love. i feel like i am just here and it means nothing.

i found out from the bank today that brent had refused the insurance that would have paid for the house if one of us died. so now what .... i figure if i sell the house and move to an apt i would be paying the same as what i pay here in bills. i will stay here as long as i can and see what happens. i get some money from the life insurance and will roll that into the mortgage.

i had a phone appt with my dr yesterday. i got my pain meds increased and she put up a fight on that one. i have never given her any cause to think i am abusing my pain meds at all. yet she is of little help when i request an adjustment.

i gave away some of brents shirts to a friend who has been helping me with snowblowing the sidewalks etc. his wife says he can use some of them so thats good.

a neighbour from down the street whom i rarely talk to, brought a mini rose plant by and a nice card. very thoughtful of her. work sent flowers today. i was not expecting that at all. the only person who gave me flowers was brent and that wont be happening anymore. he would bring home flowers for no reason other than he loved me. i would keep his flowers forever, everytime i looked at the sad little things it would remind me how much he loves me.

i find nighttime very hard. its the time of day when we would have dinner and relax for a bit. now its just me and i am looking over at his empty chair. i dont want anyone else in the chair yet i miss someone to chat with. i am not sleeping well. i have not moved any of the pillows i had set up for brent when he needed to sit up in bed. the pillows just sit there waiting for him to come back. i know sooner or later i will have to move them and change the bed. i know that once i move them the dent he left in those pillows will be gone and that is the hard part. i was never very good at sleeping alone. i miss reaching out and holding his hand in the night. i wake up alot. maybe going back to work might be a good thing. least i would be tired and sleep. i have no reason to be home anymore. no worries about cooking or cleaning, laundry. i just have to keep the creatures fed and watered. i think the cats have noticed brent is gone. they follow me everywhere and have started to sleep on the bed again.

i go around the house and i am starting to get rid of things. its hard. i know i can pass on some yarn to a friend. i am working on going downstairs and filling up a bag for her. i have enough yarn for a few projects and dont think i need more than that right now. i have a few projects to finish and then gift. so i guess that is on my to do list for tomorrow.

so who have i got to chat with really....no one. i chat here. i unload here. no one i barely know wants to hear how i feel. aquaintence say call me if you need anything. well what i need is someone to come and help me bring 50lb bags of feed in. someone to mow the lawn in the summer. someone who will bring brents things to thrift shop because i dont think i could right now. work keeps saying if i need anything just call. i have no idea what to ask for. what are they offering? i have no clue. they never said. i am off work another week. so at the beginning of feb i will be back to work and have to work through my first special day without brent.

i have to make a card to send out. i really need to edit the cards traded. i just forget, and right now i have alot of foggy moments. i just wonder how foggy i will be at work.....

today it is overcast , cold and its snowing. a reflection of my mood...sad and cloudy. i am still in shock and feel terribly alone.

i posted on facebook that brent had died. i got lots of responses. i guess what i was looking for was someone to talk to but in this time of lockdown that is not going to happen.

i was putting some clothes away and was thinking i was glad i dressed up and looked nice for brent on sat. i showered early and did my hair. and made sure i wore something he might like. he always called me his pretty girl. i never really got used to it, i never thought of myself as pretty. i still loved to hear it.

i am waiting for the company to come by and pick up some equipment. its really hard picking up and putting things away that i was using to look after brent. like the tray i was using to bring him food and drinks and his meds. i put that away and thought i wont need this now.

i washed up some of his pajama pants and t shirts. now i dont know what to do with them. seems pointless to put them away. i started a donation bag. when the lockdown is over i will start to donate his clothes. i found a few shirts in the bathroom i bagged up. i started to clean out brents cupboard in the bathroom. got rid of some old stuff and expired stuff. about all i can handle for today.

got some small jobs done. fed the birds and cleaned the rabbit cage. i also started to give the rabbit a good brush before he decided that was enough and left. i changed the teacup display, and how appropriate that the cups are all blue. really suits my mood right now. i got rid of a few things around brents chair. his old tobacco can and jar. i will mop behind his chair when i fill the bucket again. i wiped down his table and washed his lamp. i need a new light bulb for it.

i need to get another card ready to send. she wants a blind trade. i managed to take a picture of a new card i did a couple of weeks ago. i figured out how to take it and send it. so one point for me. i am not sure if i will ever figure out the web cams, i am sure brent wants me too right now. one thing at a time honey.

his brother andy phoned me today, just to check in and get more information on what i am going to do with his ashes. i am not sure yet either. i dont think there will be much in the way of ashes. brent lost alot of weight before he died.

brents friend blake messaged me today to check in. i will ask him if he wants some of brents AA books. not like i need them.

i dont think i can ever go through this again. there fore i will live alone from now on, well with the cats and birds and rabbit. non of which will out live me but right now it gives me a reason to get up in the morning.i have to look after all of them. i have a bag of feed in the car. they are 50lbs each. i am thinking i cant carry that to the door. so i cut the bag open and i am filling coffee cans and bringing it in that way. sooner or later the bag will be light enough for me to carry in.

its supper time now. the hardest time of the day. i wonder around not really doing anything. its almost dark and all i want to do is go to bed and hide there until tomorrow and hope this is only a nightmare.....

wow where to start. it is going to take me a very long time to get all this out as i keep crying and need to clean my glasses. i will start with friday. we had to make the hard choice of sending brent to the hospital. it was hard on both of us. this was triggered by the fact that brent said he could not get out of bed. he said he had no strength to get up. i said i cant help you anymore if you cant move around. we talked about it for awhile , both of us sobbing because we knew when he left he would not be coming back. i called the ambulance and got his things ready. put all of that into a backpack and the one thing i forgot was his hat. i felt so shitty about that but my only defence was i was crying so hard i could hardly see. so he was taken to the hospital about 11am. i waited for hours for news on what was going to happen. i was not allowed in emerg because of covid. i wondered about the house waiting for phone calls.

i finally got a call saying he was going to be admitted to ccu. he was taken upstairs later in the evening. i wanted to come and see him but was told visiting hours where over. i just about died inside. i knew he needed me. i had to wait until the next morning to see him. i also had to go for a covid test on sat as well. so i explained that to brent before i left the house. i am not sure how well he understood at this point as he was on alot of pain meds. but i could tell he was very relieved to see me. i stayed with him all day. even though he slept most of the time i believe he was comforted by the fact he knew i was there. i held his hand and washed his face and fed him soup. i watched him fade a little bit at a time. the dr came in and explained to us that because of the blood problems and bruising he would not live long. i was expecting at least a week. we only had that day. i am glad we talked and spoke the loving things we always did. i am glad he knew how much i loved him. i am glad i took care of him and was able to do as much as i could. i will always miss him. there is an empty chair in the living room i am not sure i could ever sit in. i washed his blanket and put it back on his chair nicely so its ready for him. but now it will remain empty. the nurses came in and told me i could come in at any time now and be with him. i was not limited to visiting hours.

the next morning when i came back on sunday he was unresponsive. so i was now truly alone. i sat with him until he died. i held his hand and kissed his head. i wished him farewell and gave him permission to die. i silently cried and cried and waited held his hand and wondered how my life would go from here.

he died at 330pm on sunday. i was stunned on how quietly he went. i am sure he was there some place trying to tell me it will be ok somehow. he just stopped breathing. and then it was over. his suffering was over and his pain was over. my life with him was over. and i move on alone.

i stayed for a bit with him. i gathered up his things. i tidied the room abit and then let the nurse know i was leaving. she kept asking me if i had anyone to talk to. i said no , no family here. no friends, and no one to call here. i left and didnt look back, he was gone and no point in looking back.

i came home and shoveled a bit as it snowed. then i went in and made a call to his mother. i asked her to call his brothers. it didnt take long for them tall me. i have no idea why they called. they never called before now. anyway i also posted on facebook that he died. alot of offers for help if i need it. what i will need is help in the spring with yard work. mowing the lawn and the garden. wonder who will be there to help me then. i still have to work and look after the birds and cats and rabbit. the rabbit is hiding behind brents chair right now.....maybe he misses him too. the house is too big and too quiet without brent. his voice filled the rooms and his love for me filled my heart.

its thurs and my day off...kinda. always lots of work to do around here. when i was laying in bed last night i was thinking once brent is gone this room is going to be deafingly quiet. too quiet. i have a hard time sleeping alone. always have. maybe the cats will keep me company but still not the same.

i have to get the aviary cleaned today. i have someone coming by to get the quail. they are old now and not laying anymore. so its time to go. they will be sold to feed hawks. i am ok with that. i am finding it hard to let go of doves to do the same thing. i will have to i know...but its still hard.

i have not counted how many times i go up and down the stairs every day now. it gets hard some days but i wont say a word of it in front of brent. its hard for him to be sick. a guy who loved sports is brought down by cancer and copd. he also smoked. so i am not going to say i told you so about smoking. so i accept what needs to be done and move on every day.

we have not heard from the dr about test results or possible treatments. we got some equipment for brent. a shower chair and raised toilet seat. a hospital table for him to lean on to help him breathe. a hospital bed will be coming next week so i have to finish clearing out the extra stuff in the bed room and then tear down the waterbed. i will MISS that bed so much. i will be sleeping on a single bed for awhile. he wants me to be in the same room as him.

i hear him moving around upstairs....i better go check on him...back in a bit.

so back now for a bit. brought him his meds and changed his clothes. now we are waiting for someone from the CCAC to come by and check on brent{she is an hour late} and equipment and stuff. tomorrow he has his first PSW visit and its not me. so i have to go to work tomorrow and worry about him being alone. i will be back to check on him at dinner.

i am not sure how long i can go on running at full speed. i go and go and go....i cant stop because there is always one more thing to do.

back now again...he is in bed. i am heading there soon. i didnt get as much done as i wanted with having to pay so much attention to brent. alot of the work i have to do will have to now be done on sat and sun.i have to get more things out of the bed room. the table and chairs will be out last. the room will be turned upside down by next week. i have to then get the single bed out of the back room and put that together. after i tear down the waterbed and move the hospital bed into position. i dont think i will have much of a problem with the waterbed other than the box spring.

the time i had for art today was short and the cards i did make sucked. so will either toss them or keep them...not sure. i have 2 ready to mail.

i am going to close here for now...i am tired

we had our first visit today with the helper nurse. from what brent said to the nurse i think he has just given up. i dont think he wants to go for any treatment. the nurse was talking hospice. brent keeps saying how he does not want to be a burden to me. i keep saying to him that he is not a burden. sigh...the house is so quiet even with the birds and cats and rabbit. its so quiet sitting in my chair and brents chair is always empty now. he is not here to look over and say i love you during the day. i never thought i would be alone again so soon in my life. i thought he would be there to help me through this fibro. i have to find new ways of doing things. and i have to work up the nerve to ask for help. that is the hardest thing for me. brent also told the nurse that he has fallen. i am so upset to hear that thinking i should be here for him. thing is i was here....i was sleeping and didnt hear him. now i feel like shit big time. i am so tired that i dont hear him.

time for chores before i go back to work and i have to check on brent before i leave.

its tuesday. i have no idea what happened to monday. its a blurr. i was up at 3am yesterday making brent food as he was hungry. i finally crashed last night and slept for a few hours before i was awake again with him asking for pain meds. the problem is he has his nights and days turned around. he is up most of the night and sleeps off and on during the day.

i have OT coming today to see what equipment might help him. i still have banking to do and need a bag of feed. it will be a very fast errand run after work. i am not sure if i will get hauled into the office as i blasted somone at work over the phone for not listening to what us PSW's need. and its not split shifts. after not having enough sleep for 3 days i lost it. i had asked my supervisor for a change to this and she asked me what to do. and its like you want me to do YOUR job i better get YOUR pay then. then trying to explain what a client was complaining about was almost impossible when they dont LISTEN to what you are saying. they are like 12 yrs old and only hear half of what you are saying. some days i just want to say fuck it and walk away i am so pissed.

time to get ready for this job....will post now

i am home to check on brent. after doing a few errands and making him a snack i am having a cup of tea.

i got brent a new pillow to help ease some of his discomfort in sitting up. he seems to like the meal replacements so i got a few more of those. its really hard to find something he will and or can eat right now. i know he is just as frustrated as i am trying to figure out what he wants. i suggest things and he is not sure. so i make it anyway and hope he will like it.

i have to go back to work tonight so this wont be a long break as i have a few things that need to get done. everything hurts right now so i am not moving too fast. most of my pain is in my hips right now. will take more pain meds but not the ones i need. asprin and tylenol dont help me like t3 does. i am only allowed 2 of those a day and its no where near enough. i know that the pain will never be totally gone with t3 but it knocks it down enough that i can sort of function for part of the day. its getting harder and harder to keep up but i am doing my best for brent.

brent has another test on monday. i had to cancel 2 clients so we could be there on time. we where told the test will take about an hour so i will be spending more time at the hospital. it was a last minute cancelation . he was lucky to get in so fast. his breathing is not much better but at least its not any worse.

i got a few cards out yesterday a bit later than i wanted but at least they are in the mail. i need more stamps now so will have to pick them up tomorrow. the mail wont move till monday anyway.

sunday...i crashed last night. i didnt have the energy to do much of anything except sleep. i have lots to do later. i have to go to work for 2 f....cking hours and then back tonight for 1 hour. what a pain in the ass. i hate this. i would quit if i could.

i was putting some of my trading cards away that where sent to me and i noticed i need some more of the pages. i though the pages where double sided. they are not. pockets only on one side. so when the lockdown is lifted i will try and get some more pages. i have alot more cards than i thought. i love having them out where i can see them to admire all the work.

i hurt all over this morning. i was up at 4am to pee. i can barely move and i have a very full day ahead of me.

i also need to figure out how to take pictures with the cell phone as i have a few new cards i would like to post. everyone is so smart at this and i feel so stupid. brent was my picture taker for this new hobby. but he cant do much of anything anymore.

i have to learn to do alot of things on my own again. seems thats all i do is learn to be alone.

i am going to post this before i forget....

i have been trying to start this entry for days. but with all the appts and work and looking after brent. i have not had much time for anything else. yesterday was his MRI. we wont know the results for at least a week. we also talked to his cancer dr in a telephone call for about a half hour. we will be talking to him again next week. he has several options for treatment. i dont know which he will choose. he keeps saying just let me die. i say well ok but it will be a long slow painful one. i dont think he believes me. he still needs to get blood work done . he cant get into the lab with out a wheel chair now and we dont have one yet. i think he may also need a walker.

me on the other hand , well i am kind of coping. good days and bad days mentally. phyisically not so good as i am running up and down stairs all day. i hit the ground running from the time i get up until the time i go to bed. no time for a short nap or rest and recovery. so i am in alot more pain all the time. so i am taking more pain meds. and of course i still have to go to work. no choice.

i still have all the chores to do and to make sure i can get as much done as i can during the day. but there are times when i just cant do anything because of the pain and fatigue. so i have to stop and just go to bed. last night i went to bed at 730. i think brent was hoping for a conversation, but i fell asleep instead. i was that tired. i warned him though i was having a hard time staying awake. today will be very long as i am working until 9.

back for a bit....i wanted to check on brent and make him some dinner but he refused anything new. was still working on what i made for him at lunch time.

i worry so much when i am not home. i have a long evening ahead and will be even more tired when i get home. i am going to try and get home asap.

i have to feed the birds and check on brent again before i go back out. will post so i dont forget....

i had to get another covid test done today. i now have to have them done every week because of where i work. so got that done then it was onto the post office to try and mail out ornaments overseas. i now have to do my own customs . its like WTF other than charge a crap load of money to mail anything why cant you do my label. so now i have to wait until i can get to the post office again.

brent took himself to the emerg last night. i met him there. we where there 3 hours and i could not see him until they said he could go. so i sat there and waited wondering what was going on. i asked the nurse if she could let brent know i was there. she said sure she would...never did. had i known that i would have torn a strip off her and then some. we didnt get home until almost midnight. i was lucky i woke up in time for my test today, back at the hospital. today has been spent getting brent to relax and eat something. i made him some soup . he says he is finding it hard to eat. so its still light foods for now. i am not really eating much of anything except something quick and easy. i worry about when i have to go back to work on monday . how will he cope then. he says i am having a hard time. its like shit you just noticed that i do all this work or what. and that was before you got sick.

i still have to feed the birds and probly make brent more food.

sunday night. its been a very long day. been on the go since i got up. up and down the stairs all day. bring coffee, bring this can you do that. is it too late to make stew. sigh. everything hurts now.

i am still trying to not yell at him. he is being picky about everything. now he wants me to move stuff out of the bedroom. stuff being my sock yarn. i dont know where to move it to. as soon as i have things sorted where i can find stuff, he moves it around so i cant find anything. so i will move the yarn. i have to work tomorrow so i hope i can get some sleep tonight. i got my uniforms ready for the week. i have no idea what do to make him happy anymore. i cook and clean and bring this or that. i just dont know. brent was not like this before he got sick. i think he is just frustrated because he cant do much right now.

i wish i had someone to talk to about this. its so hard to know what to do.

while the stew was cooking i got a few cards made. it was nice just to take a bit of time for me. my back is killing me from sitting at the table but what can you do. i took some pain meds and hope they kick in soon.

i am worried about going to work tomorrow and leaving him alone. maybe that is why he is so grumpy. i have to make sure he has all he needs before i go and then worry when i am gone. no wonder i am stressed.

well time for a shower and get ready for bed...another long day tomorrow.