Causing some in the cryptocurrency world to shudder and others to praise his courageousness, Brian Armstrong, CEO of Coinbase, came out of the closet as a Supervillain Monday, two days before the cryptocurrency exchange's historic IPO.
“I can't hide it any more. This is who I am,” said Armstrong to XRP_Productions reporters from within his San Francisco lair. “It's been a long road to fully accept myself and damnit, I'm tired of hiding. I'm taking over the world and I'm PROUD of it.”
Coinbase employees rushing to the arms of Brian Armstrong to show support and solidarity after the CEO bravely came out as a Supervillain Monday.
The bold admission has many questioning the timing, as crypto communities generally pin high hopes on the IPO and fear that the news might make new investors doubtful and suspicious.
“Oh, none of it will matter. Soon enough, everyone will see,” said Armstrong, proudly stroking his new white cat. “Trust me. Muahahahahaaaaaa...”
In a shocking move that some are attributing to the poor progress of their litigation thus far, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), dropped their lawsuit against blockchain payments company Ripple Friday, claiming the whole thing was “just a harmless joke... lighten up, people.”
“What, no one has a sense of humor any more?” said an SEC spokesperson to XRP_Productions reporters. “Just because we’re a stodgy and humorless government entity doesn’t mean we can’t yuk it up once in a while.”
SEC’s acting chair Allison Herron Lee telling the press that people need to “take a chill pill” if they don’t find the humor in their case against Ripple. The commission announced Friday their lawsuit was “just for a few innocent laughs.”
The commission said they had no intention of anyone ever taking it seriously and realized the joke went too far when Ripple began demanding their internal communications about Bitcoin and Ethereum, in particular why they seemed to give non-security clarity to both cryptos.
“Okay, obviously Ripple doesn't understand jokes,” said the spokesperson, “so we'll go ahead and drop the suit. No need to release the BTC and ETH stuff. Sheesh, does anybody in this world remember laughter??”
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Becoming the cryptocurrency world's top gainer Monday, the digital asset XRP spiked over 40% on stunning news that the token would soon be backed by Beeple NFTs.
“We had a 20% rocket after the Rapple news,” said 4-year XRP holder and enthusiast Leonard Mingus, “but that's nothing compared to what we're seeing with the Beeple-backing. It truly harkens the dawn of a new digital age.”
One of the Beeple NFTs that will soon become the value-backing for XRP. The digital asset saw a 40% increase shortly after the news was released.
Despite the price spike, some in the online XRP community are disappointed by the news and had hoped for a more “respectable” value-backing.
With photos surfacing which plant seeds of doubt in the minds of even the most skeptical people Thursday, a new conspiracy theory that Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse died in 2017 and was replaced by a “reptilian humanoid impostor” has taken strong hold of dozens of online forums.
“I started out noticing his earlobes were different than 2017 pictures,” said XRP holder Leonard Mingus, one of the earliest proponents of the unsettling theory. “But the thing that really tipped me off was the countless shots of lizard eyes flashing over.”
Recent tweet from long-time friend Michael Arrington lending credence to the theory that Ripple CEO Brad Garlinghouse has been replaced by a lizard man.
Not everyone in the digital asset space is dismayed by the possibility of the reptilian replacement, however, as many have expressed hope that it might lead to positive things.
“Hell, maybe the SEC will drop their lawsuit,” said lawyer and digital asset enthusiast John Deaton, “I mean if they see that one of their kind took over at Ripple...”
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Opining that this rare and dangerous type of mindset is what ruins the otherwise promising future of the cryptocurrency space, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) wrote in a letter to the court Monday that they are “appalled and horrified” that holders of the digital asset XRP perhaps expected to one day make a profit.
“This is sickening and a large part of why we felt we just had to sue [blockchain payments company] Ripple,” said an SEC spokesperson to XRP_Productions reporters. “You really don't see that greed in other cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin and Ethereum. Were the people who bought ETH in 2014 to fund the Ethereum Foundation expecting a profit? Of course not. Shame on these greedy XRP holders.”
Acting SEC Chair Allison Herren Lee telling reporters she is “disappointed that XRP buyers couldn't be more like Ethereum buyers” and not expect profits from their crypto purchases.
The opinion has come under fire from worldwide XRP holders, many of whom attest that XRP's utility, Ripple and non-Ripple affiliated use-cases, and supreme tech give them solid reasons to purchase and hold the decentralized asset with a realistic expectation that it will hold or increase it's current value.
“Kiss my butt, SEC,” said Leonard Mingus, a 4-year XRP holder from Liverpool, England. “My whole, entire butt.”
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Usurping control of the microphone at the executive's first press conference Thursday, Ethereum co-creator Vitalik Buterin brazenly blamed President Joe Biden for the ridiculously high ETH gas prices.
“I'm tired of getting attacked,” said Buterin of the community rage stemming from processing fees that are often higher than the ETH transactions themselves. “Especially when we all know the PRESIDENT is historically responsible for the price of gas!”
An ETH gas fee that is approximately three times the price of the transaction, an unfortunate problem that has caused creator Vitalik Buterin to blame President Joe Biden.
Buterin's accusation has come under scrutiny from some in the cryptocurrency space, particularly from those who think Ethereum's infrastructure is innately flawed.
“Yes, Ethereum has inescapable problems, but what does it matter?” said blockchain specialist Dr. Leonard Mingus. “It's all moot. Flare Networks is coming.”
Replete with a sleek and powerful 500-kilowatt generator to assist in processing the network's transactions, CEO Elon Musk released an exciting new “Tesla Bitcoin Edition” sedan Wednesday.
“As you know, we at Tesla are stepping into the future, buying Bitcoin and accepting Bitcoin as payment for our automobiles,” said Musk to XRP_Productions reporters. “And, well... now that we've stepped into it, we've gotta figure out how the hell to power it. Good Lord, what have I done?”
“Musk Bitcoin Power Plant #17,” one of 400 power plants the mogul is forced to build to help power the Bitcoin network since announcing Tesla will accept the original cryptocurrency as payment for their automobiles.
“So, Musk is a visionary but he's buying Bitcoin and accepting Bitcoin as payment for Teslas?” said 3-year XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Phoenix, Arizona. “You sure he's not a cross-eyed visionary?”
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Excited about contributing to the infrastructure of the two resource-sucking cryptocurrencies for which they already gave regulatory clarity, former SEC officials Jay Clayton and William Hinman opened two massive Bitcoin and Ethereum mining farms Monday in China.
“What sounds better, 'Bill and Jay's Farm' or 'Jay and Bill's Farm'? Joked Clayton, laughing and socking his business partner on the arm. “I mean, you were just a director at the SEC, Bill—I was the Chairman. I think we'll go with 'Jay and Bill.' HAHAHAAA!”
“How the hell do these things work? I don't know,” said former SEC Chair Jay Clayton of his new Bitcoin and Ethereum mining rigs, “but I do know they aren't securities! HA!”
The move has some individuals raising eyebrows, particularly since the SEC sued blockchain payments company Ripple in December immediately before Clayton and Hinman's departure, claiming their sales of the digital asset XRP were securities violations.
“I don't know what to tell you,” said Hinman to XRP_Productions reporters. “If XRP holders are upset, maybe they shouldn't have bought an asset without clarity. Me and Jay did the responsible thing—we started our business around two cryptos that already have regulatory clarity. BWAHAHAHAAAAA!”
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In a shocking turn of events, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) issued a lawsuit against the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Friday for allowing blockchain payments company Ripple to sell securities in the form of the digital asset XRP for the past eight years.
“Through our noble legislation by enforcement, we've already determined that Ripple's sales of XRP were investment contracts,” said an SEC representative to XRP_Productions reporters. “Which led us to realize that we've been complicit in letting them get away with breaking the law since 2013. That is a hideous dereliction of duty and we're not going to let ourselves get away with it...”
An intimidating stack of court documents the SEC painstakingly compiled and promptly issued to themselves for allowing blockchain payments company Ripple to sell what they say were securities in the form of XRP for eight years.
The self-litigious move comes as no surprise to many, especially worldwide holders of the decentralized digital asset XRP, which has been massively affected by December's original SEC lawsuit against blockchain payments company Ripple.
“They're suing themselves for allowing Ripple to sell XRP for 8 years, huh?” said XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Las Vegas, Nevada. “Yup... sounds about right.”
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Continuing to squeeze the trigger in a recent series of rapid-fire lawsuits, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) filed court documents Thursday against home protection company ADT for “clearly selling unregistered security.”
“I mean, it's been right there on their signs for years,” said an SEC spokesperson to XRP_Productions reporters. “Home security. Wow. These guys really have some balls. Well, the SEC is here once again to do the work of the people and shut this nonsense down.”
An ADT representative “brazenly selling home security with no regard for his duty to file with us,” as described by the SEC in court filings Thursday.
The litigious move comes as no surprise to many, including worldwide holders of the decentralized digital asset XRP, which has been massively affected by an ongoing SEC lawsuit against blockchain payments company Ripple after the Silicon Valley firm had sold their holdings of the asset to various entities for over eight years.
“They're suing ADT for home security, eh?” said XRP holder Leonard Mingus of Cheyenne, Wyoming. “Yup... it figures. Kiss my ass, SEC.”
Elon Musk Releases New “Bitcoin Edition” Tesla Model
