I'm starting to believe that, the media that let's me explore at my own pace is better for me, such as books, written text, or lighter video games where I can observe and progress the game at my own pace.
On the other hand, media – especially video games – that have too much rapid pacing and convoluted information would overwhelm me quickly. For example, when I play a story-driven action game, I get tired right away and want to either take a break or stop the game for the day. Those type of games contain both heavy plots and intense gameplay mechanics. Unfortunately, my mind's capacity to process all of that at once is often very limited. So I often feel burned out playing the game for 20/30 minutes.
When I read books or articles however, I feel more comfortable doing this kind of stuff for much longer than 30 mins. These things allow me to stop whenever I need to, and reflect what I just processed before quickly going back to exactly where I paused.
Casual video games are relaxing also, such as puzzle, adventure, or action games with light narratives.
I never realized that my body and soul needs to be in a library.
Every time I'm in a crowded mall, especially during weekends in the afternoon, I feel overwhelmed. People kept walking in and out without consistent pacing or direction, nor do they often have manners when they bump into me or not move out of the way when I need to pass though. People are also too fucking loud, especially those annoying kids when they goof off in public. I remember seeing a boy and his dumbass father making pterodactyl noises for fun while I was there drinking my decaf latte at Second Cup close by. I kept thinking to myself “Yall have no awareness, manners, self-control, or respect for other people...”.
My mind kept screaming “I want to get the fuck outta here PLEASE! I want to find someplace quieter”. But there was rarely any remotely quiet places in this noisy hellscape...
The other day, I try to build a habit of going to a library more often for a change of pace. And I often feel much more peaceful with that kind of environment. I can use the computers or just read some interesting books in the absence of people chatting or their fucking awful body odor. But there are times when kids come to the library after school hours and start running around and playing loudly (where's the librarian lady when we needed her to tell these kids to STFU? Once again, parents are failing to tech their children self-control and respect to people's peace...)
The library has calm me down quite a bit in a time of a major depressive episode. I didn't have to always be in the presence of obnoxious people, (including my family). I had a small place to myself, sensory speaking.
– v -
‘Catching criminals’ is a DOGSHIT argument for mass surveillance by big tech and governments. Well… activists, journalists, and marginalized people can be classified as ‘criminals’ in their eyes, hence gaining bureaucratic justification to spy on everyone. So fuck outta here with that bullshit.
For many years, I was binging on countless random YouTube videos for most hours everyday. Videos like gameplays, drama videos, political news, and video essays.
Back then, I craved for constant stimulation. Otherwise I would feel bored to death. And whenever my family or other people in public wanted to talk to me or help them with somethings, I tend to get irritated and told them to leave me alone. All I cared about was the noise from my phone...
But since I've been progressing from addictive habits to more healthier ones like reading, journaling, and listening to music, I feel much more calm and less irritable. This time, my brain crave for relaxation and learning something meaningful.
Nowadays, I feel I don't even want to go back to the binging days ever again. I rather be in peace than being addicted to pointless and overwhelming activities.
The grim irony that a technologically advanced species is slowly regressing into primitive 'apes' who constantly lust for materials, food, sex, and power.
People are abandoning reason in favor of pleasure and validation because thinking critically is mentally taxing which can feel boring or even painful. We are being conditioned by the capitalistic system to avoid all discomfort in order to reap the pleasures of life.
But how can we cope with pain if we are avoiding them like a plague? This aversion prevents us from learning from painful experiences, and in turn become empathetic towards others. Pain can lead us to become more wise and compassionate.
The more I'm being careful with my habits on the internet, the more I realize the truth: my attention is limited during the day, as if it's like a cognitive currency. So I have to be smarter with how I use this.
These days, I've been planning on what to consume and for how long, as well as when to take breaks. It takes quite a bit of thinking, but it's better than draining my attention on pointless things.
My depression tells me: “Doom is inevitable, there's no hope for me to get a job that I'm comfortable with, nor will I achieve my dreams. I will eventually fall into poverty or worse homelessness.”
My mania tells me: “Everything is going to be aright! Don't worry about the bad things happening in the world. You are energetic and healthy, and I guarantee you will achieve your wildest dreams!”
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I have to keep reminding myself that neither of them are right 100%, because the truth is more complicated. I need to be aware of the realities I'm living in right now – both good and bad – while still holding my strength and resolve to keep on living. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
