katelovesorange

i did a bad thing yesterday.....i spent money at walmart ....on towels....for the downstairs bathroom. buying them will push me to paint the bathroom and get it done. then i can use the new towels.

i was supposed to do bloodwork today and go renew my plates but its freezing rain and i decided to go home instead.

i think its soup for dinner, dont feel hungry for anything else.

next day

i made it back home after renewing my plates before the snow started....sigh. i better find the snow shovel i guess.

i dont like winter and never will.

its a work day today and i also have a market sale item to pick up. it will be a long day. i get so tired because i work in the evenings.

as much as i enjoy the lights and ornaments at christmas , the idea of spending this xmas alone is hard. brent loved decorating the tree. he always wanted it to look perfect and it always did. so will find the lights and wreath for the outside. everyday i wonder if brent checks on me making sure i am ok. i dont think i will ever be ok, but time and life goes on, and i must move forward.

i always seem to think of something creative to say when i am at work, then when i sit here my mind goes blank.

i am working this weekend, so will be very tired by monday, my busiest work day. i have errands to do this afternoon as well and chores. tomorrow is the craft show. i am going with a friend and we might go for lunch too. i am looking forward to that.

a few days later: the craft show was great, i got a few ornaments and a bird house for outside. it was great to be able to take our time to look at things and not feel rushed. it was a steady but small crowd , it is usually wall to wall people and i leave early. after the show lauren and i went to east side marios for lunch. had a great catch up and visit.

today is day 6 of 6 and i am looking forward to some sleep tomorrow. i also have to renew my licence plates tomorrow as well. a dreaded task but has to be done.

i have been chatting with a nice gentleman online for a few weeks now. we email back and forth. no phone calls yet. no desire to meet yet. but i enjoy the emails. i am not even sure he wants to meet, but it does not matter, its just nice to have someone to chat with no matter how briefly.

brent died 10 months ago today. i sstill wonder what will happen to me in the years to come. i am getting older and i need to start asking for help. its hard when you really dont have anyone to ask......both of my kids work out of town and never know when they might be home.

i am taking life one day at a time....all i can do right now

a dull dreary morning, suits my mood. its raining too. i have things i can do inside. so will try and get some things done depending on my energy levels.

i treated myself the other day. i bought an antique sewing box. i love it. not sure what i will put in it yet, but i enjoy looking at it.

i came down this morning as looked at the trim i am painting blue around the kitchen window, i still love it. will try and finish that today and must let it dry for a few days before putting things back.

i also need to make some snacks for work. lately i have been making scones. something different, and they travel well in my bag.

why do my days off go so fast and my work days go so slow??? its monday tomorrow and i start at 645am. most of my clients are showers, so its a long wet day.

its thursday now. the days go by and sometimes i am not sure how i got to the end of the day. i can understand how a senior gets so lonely. i spent today alone, except for the cats etc. i understand people are busy and have to work or what ever i just miss being able to talk to brent or just having him here in the same room. well his ashes are in the same room as me, he just does not talk much.

i got a will kit in the mail, so will spend saturday working on filling it out and wondering who gets what. i dont think my kids what any of my stuff. brents tools maybe but that would be about all. sad to think my things will end up in a bin. but i know a will must be done.

its another saturday night on my weekend off and i am home alone. alone in the sense that no other human is here, the animals are still here however.

i tried to keep busy today with small chores around here. i started painting in the kitchen, the window trim. i am painting it blue. i really like it so far. i am thinking of painting the shelves in the pantry the same colour as well. will need more paint.

the depression still weighs heavy on me. i pretend to be ok at work but my heart still breaks for who i miss.

i have been moving things around lately. i moved the bunny cage to the back room, i think he likes it back there as well. i gave the bunny some bunny food i bought at the bulk store. leo then got his nose in the dish thinking he could eat it too....i guess he can try.

i got a couple of blocks prepped for the quilt, will try and get another done tomorrow as well for the week ahead. alot of the ladies come by when they see me working on a block and look to see what i am working on. i am still wondering how my center block will look . other than a house i am not sure what else i will put on it. i was thinking of a very large tree, and then put the house under the tree. see what happens i guess when i get closer to the end.

i find it hard to write these days as i dont seem to have much to say. i try and keep busy, but night time is really hard. i go to bed and i dont sleep well. i guess i am still listening for brent.

work is going ok. i am picking up more hours, i am up to 30 a week. its great for now. the widows pension is coming in as well. that is helping alot. no idea where i will be a year from now , but a year ago i didnt know i was going to be a widow so fast either.

there are so many lost souls , and most are afraid to reach out and ask for company, i am one of them.

it is fall now. another season over with out brent. the leaves are turning fast here and as the wind picks up they are blowing off the trees. the last few days have been very warm for this time of year. i got laundry out today in the sun. the sheets smell great! i remember how brent used to love the smell of sheet hung on the line. funny how he would always come upstairs after i was done changing said sheets.

i still miss him at night. i miss feeling him next to me, his snoring, his moving around , taking the blankets and pillows, and kissing me goodnight.

i got the iris planted this week. a friend mailed them to me. i cant wait to see if they will bloom next summer. i am really going to have to work on the gardens next summer. i let it go so bad this year. i really didnt want to be reminded of brent being out there all the time doing this and that. he was never happier than when he was working in the dirt.

i am making progress on the quilt. i have decided on a central block. it will be a house. i am ;not sure what else i will add to the block yet. the layout will come next summer when i can do it outside in the sun. this will help with colour and tone and placement. i should have enough made by then. i am up to 74 out of 256.

i have not felt up to writing. some days i come home and my emotional tank is empty and i cant feel anything. i use it all up at work trying to be normal. trying to make sure i remember what i have to do. my memory is not so good some days and i forget things. but i am older too so they understand.

i am still phoning my friend every night. we touch base and at least both of us have someone to talk to at the end of the day even if its only on the phone. we talk about our day and what happened or didnt.

i was in the dollar store and walked by the seasonal display of ...thanksgiving, and thought another holiday alone. my kids will be too busy to think to invite me to come over. i will probably be working anyway. just as well , its hard to be in an empty house on a holiday.

i know i have to stop looking back and look forward. so much around here reminds me of brent. just this morning apollo the bunny was doing the happy dance in brents chair, all i was thinking its a good thing brent didnt see that. then i thought he wont. he wont see alot of things. i wonder every day if he is still proud of me and how i am managing to carry on with out him. the small things i am able to do.

lots to do today. drs appt and errands. tomorrw starts 6 days and i dont want to spend any more energy than i have to doing running around.

i have to get the single mattress out of the back room too. i am giving it away. so will have to clear the hallway of the things i am giving away as well. then vaccum the cat hair as much as i can. will work on that when i can and the pain level is not through the roof in my knee.

my right knee is getting worse even with the brace. i dont wear it all the time, just for work when i need it most. when i come home i take it off. the pain level does not really go down and even in bed i find it hard to get comfortable. will have to ask the doctor about it.

the pain and fatigue takes so much out of me. i try and get something done eveyday, like ironing 2 work shirts, or washing the floor or parts of it. somedays i just dont. i use all my good energy at work...and i hate that.

so i did a thing today. i finished cleaning the top of the frig and washing all the stuff on it...yeh me. then i decided to make scones for the first time ever....omg they turned out so good. didnt take me too long and the recipe was really simple too. i have had 2 already. will make them again. they will be good takealong for work. the ones i made have raisins. i could make it with other dried fruit chopped very small. i love my food processer...

i got another sewing job to do..small but its still a couple of bucks. i dont mind doing it. as i can work on it at home.

my progress in the kitchen will be slow as i will work on it when energy permits. there is no way i could do it all at once.

my son is still ignoring me. i loaned him money and he cant be bothered to pay me back. i messaged him on facebook. i am not happy about the money and about not seeing the kids either. i really miss them. no idea if i will ever get to see them again.

time for bed....a long day tomorrow

well today can only get better. i went to sleep with my glasses on and didnt even notice. i spent a good hour looking for them everywhere. in the bathroom , by my chair, my bedside table , kitchen...i found them in the blankets...geez i feel so old now.

i went to home depot on wed looking for some small wood so i could make my spice rack. well the wood i was looking for is not for sale as it is scrap wood. so i dug through the bin and hopefully found enough to make it. i bought a saw to trim the plum trees . there are alot of small branches near the bottom of the tree that can be cut off. i also bought a small amount of paint for the spice rack. i need to start sanding the wood. its not very smooth at all. in the scrap wood bin i also found some wooden bannister pieces. they are perfect for a grab bar in the bathroom and a small railing on the stairs...so now i need to get the brackets to put them on the walls. i should clear coat the pieces first so i can wipe them down when needed. but that will be more of a winter project when my son is back in town.

this week has seemed so long. maybe because i am spending so much time alone. someone i as chatting with on a dating site is not messaging anymore. so i guess he has found someone else to chat with. just as well. no point in wasting anymore time on someone who is not interested in me. i have to be ok with being alone.

my creativity is finally starting to come back. i made a trading card this week. it turned out really well. i am working on a halloween card now. see what happens.....

i spend another weekend alone. everyone else is busy. my son who i lent some money too is too busy to pay me back. i wont be doing that again. i spend 2 days off work with no one to talk to and no where to go. so i just spend time trying to tidy up here. it does not feel like i am making much progress but i have filled one bag for donation.

i miss the everyday things brent and i would do. yesterday i did some shopping and he would have brought it in for me. now i have to wait until my son can bring in the feed for me, or try and do it myself. i miss the hot summer days of going for a picnic. i miss having to wash the blanket on his chair because he spilled something on it. i miss having him cook once in a while. i miss his voice, his laugh, his hugs, most of all i miss him....

well today can only get better. i went to sleep with my glasses on and didnt even notice. i spent a good hour looking for them everywhere. in the bathroom , by my chair, my bedside table , kitchen...i found them in the blankets...geez i feel so old now.

i went to home depot on wed looking for some small wood so i could make my spice rack. well the wood i was looking for is not for sale as it is scrap wood. so i dug through the bin and hopefully found enough to make it. i bought a saw to trim the plum trees . there are alot of small branches near the bottom of the tree that can be cut off. i also bought a small amount of paint for the spice rack. i need to start sanding the wood. its not very smooth at all. in the scrap wood bin i also found some wooden bannister pieces. they are perfect for a grab bar in the bathroom and a small railing on the stairs...so now i need to get the brackets to put them on the walls. i should clear coat the pieces first so i can wipe them down when needed. but that will be more of a winter project when my son is back in town.

this week has seemed so long. maybe because i am spending so much time alone. someone i as chatting with on a dating site is not messaging anymore. so i guess he has found someone else to chat with. just as well. no point in wasting anymore time on someone who is not interested in me. i have to be ok with being alone.

my creativity is finally starting to come back. i made a trading card this week. it turned out really well. i am working on a halloween card now. see what happens.....

i had a bit of a cry at work. i can access facebook on my work phone. and there where memories to look at. one of them was brent in a few pictures in his kilt and looking so proud. he looked great in it too. it just brought back so many feelings. i miss him so much. still hard to believe he is gone. i know he was real and loved me, but our time together was so short. a brief second in time. i talk to him everyday and wonder what he says to me.....

well this mornings fruit was a disappointment. i bought some fresh peaches. i cut one up and bit into it and it tasted like nothing. not a peach, nothing. no idea what i will do with the rest of the basket. they where picked way too early so there is no flavour. i paided 4.oo for flavourless fruit.

i made some pickled veg last week and pickles. i reduced the salt. will have to wait a few more weeks to try them. i still have some veg i need to get in the freezer.

the day is dull and boring. another day of indoor work. i get to clean cat boxes and the aviary today. i need to clean the floors again and change the bed. the bed really does not get messy. i dont move around much. i sleep on my side of the bed only, the other side has all the extra pillows and blankets.

i was walking by a photo in the hallway of brent and i love that photo. he looks so classy. i now wonder sometimes if he was even really here in my life. of course there are still some of his things around the house...but he was in and out so fast it hurts so much....

i still spend so much time scrolling through facebook and utube. its mindless and i dont have to try and think about anything...

i am really beginning to hate days off. it is too quiet and i am too alone.

its my weekend off. i did some errands today. i picked up my meds and did a grocery shop. and i did some photocoping too.

i made copies of patterns for possible quilt blocks. i really like a few of the ideas. i am still trying to figure out a center block. not sure what yet. i bought a new cordless kettle. cleaned off some of the counter for it. i tossed alot of stuff out of the pantry, most of it was old. i made a apple bread pudding with some old bread and apples. it turned out pretty good. next time i will use butter instead of milk, or half and half.

i cleaned some cages and fed and watered everyone. i am looking after a friends cat and ferret. lauren and noel took the dog. the cat really misses company. i stayed with her for a little while. i will spend some time with her tomorrow too. lauren is due back on tues i think.

i was just talking to my oldest son. he needs some mending done. so will hem his work pants when he gets back again. says he has about 7 pairs of pants to do. i says i will trade him my sewing for the ac unit he bought and put in for me. i think its fair.

my oldest has convinced me to start using the dishwasher too, so i am. it has really helped alot. the only thing i am washing by hand is the plastics. they will melt in the dishwasher.

i am making slow progress on the quilt. but i keep moving forward. it will be dedicated to brent when done. it will be called hearts and flowers.

i still have to get my taxes done. i keep forgetting to call the lady that helped me last year. my memory is not the greatest.

all my creatures have helped to keep me going these long months. its my weekend off and i wish i was working for something to do. the day is long when you come home to no one. i find the nights long. i started to call my friend in london. we connect almost everyday. it helps me alot to know i have a friend out there somewhere who really knows me. we talk about everyday stuff and remember some old things and laugh and sometimes i cry for what might have been. i still love him but i am not in love with him. i have never asked him but i think its the same.

i joined a dating site. so far perverts and scammers. so in other words nothing. sometimes i would like to just have someone to do things with. being alone sometimes is hard. i miss brent every single minute of every single day. you never really know how much you love someone until they are gone forever.....

i am still not sleeping well. i slept for about 4 hours last night before i had to get up and pee. then i could not get back to sleep so i got up at 3am . i am tired so tired. its so hard to face being in bed alone everynight. i miss knowing brent was there in the night. i miss hearing him whisper in my ear he loves me. i miss all the small things of the night. sleep does not come easy. i keep something to work on in the night,beside the bed.

i dont know if i want another man in my life,i dont like being alone but i dont want to raise another husband either....on the bright side to all of this my sons are helping more when they are not working....