katelovesorange

its the new year. christmas has come and gone. i am glad its finally over. all it did this year was bring back memories of brent and how sick he was, and the fact i was working as usual.

my oldest also had a birthday, he is 37now. hard to believe. time has gone by so fast. he has done well for himself and for his family. he is visiting his grandmother out of town this week. i am glad he decided to go see her. i am sure she misses family alot now that her husband is gone too.

it is a few days later and my life has been turned upside down. my son and his wife have broken up for reason only known to them. he has come to live with me until he can decide what to do next. i dont have a problem with that. i am very happy he could ask to come back home. i would imagine it was very hard for him to ask. i know he is not happy with the clutter but i did promise to make an effort for it to be better for him. it will also push me to get rid of more stuff a little faster too.

we are also locked down again. so its 3 weeks of everything being closed again. i am being tested every time i go into work. i am glad as then i know i am negative being as i work with seniors.

my friend has asked for 2 more of the bird ornaments , so i have been working on those as well as my quilt. the birds are fun to make and small enough i can work them up pretty quick.

i got called in to work on my day off today. i says ok i will come in if i get paid double....and dam if they didnt say ok. so i work 2 hours today and get paid for 4. big bonus for me. in the long run i will be working 10 days. it will be a very long stretch until my next day off, but i have bills to pay as well all do.

today is a day i will always remember in a special way. i made brent his final dinner. roast chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes , gravey etc. this was his last full meal he ever ate. some how back then i knew this was our last xmas together such as it was. i did my best to make it special for him. he loved his food, and i was so lucky he loved my cooking. i am truly grateful for having him in my life. he taught me so much in the brief time we where together. the best thing he ever taught me was that i deserve the best of life has to offer and not to settle.

i think of that meal often. i remember the look on his face when he ate his chicken. he looked so happy and thrilled to have something other than hospital food. i have not done much cooking in the last year , it reminds me too much of brent. i look in the freezer at all the food that was supposed to feed brent and wonder what to do now. the only thing i make every day is my hot cereal in the morning. it keeps me going most of the day and i had protein to it as well.

these past couple of weeks i have been working on an ornament. fabric birds, hand sewn by me. i found the pattern online and have changed a few things but i really like how they have turned out. i made a few for my son and his family. i hope they like them. i go see him on sunday for a brunch type of visit. being as i am working this weekend , split shift on sat and sun so it will be a quick visit. even though it will be quick still will be great to see them all .

i made some xmas cake last weekend. it turned out great! but then again i love xmas cake. i wont be doing anymore baking for now. i did so much cooking and baking for brent. he ate alot too. making anything now seems a waste, i dont eat very much right now..

one of my orchids is going to bloom. the flower spike has a few flower buds. in another month or so there will be flowers. i cant wait. such a small bit of colour in the white expanse of winter.

i have started to write my penpals again. its been hard as i just dont know what to say or how to explain my grief. the fog is starting to lift but in small amounts. i still cant seem to create anything on paper, but its a start.

i got a message from the office the other day saying how pleased the retirement home is with me working there and how helpful i am to the residents. for me it was something i really needed to hear as the last few days have been hard. but its good to know i am where i need to be. makes me feel good about my job choice as well. some days are harder than others but i do my best to make the client happy and make sure they are ok. it might be just as well i am working so i can keep my brain busy and off the fact that i am alone....

i start 6 days today, it will be hard as the holidays this year will be for me. i just smile and carry on and pretend i am ok. i am so lost and lonely without brent. i miss him so much. i still have so many of his things here. i wish i knew what he was thinking when he died.

i still have to do my self covid test before work. no test no work...fair enough. so i am going to go do that and finish getting things ready.

today is a day i will always remember in a special way. i made brent his final dinner. roast chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes , gravey etc. this was his last full meal he ever ate. some how back then i knew this was our last xmas together such as it was. i did my best to make it special for him. he loved his food, and i was so lucky he loved my cooking. i am truly grateful for having him in my life. he taught me so much in the brief time we where together. the best thing he ever taught me was that i deserve the best of life has to offer and not to settle.

i think of that meal often. i remember the look on his face when he ate his chicken. he looked so happy and thrilled to have something other than hospital food. i have not done much cooking in the last year , it reminds me too much of brent. i look in the freezer at all the food that was supposed to feed brent and wonder what to do now. the only thing i make every day is my hot cereal in the morning. it keeps me going most of the day and i had protein to it as well.

these past couple of weeks i have been working on an ornament. fabric birds, hand sewn by me. i found the pattern online and have changed a few things but i really like how they have turned out. i made a few for my son and his family. i hope they like them. i go see him on sunday for a brunch type of visit. being as i am working this weekend , split shift on sat and sun so it will be a quick visit. even though it will be quick still will be great to see them all .

i made some xmas cake last weekend. it turned out great! but then again i love xmas cake. i wont be doing anymore baking for now. i did so much cooking and baking for brent. he ate alot too. making anything now seems a waste, i dont eat very much right now..

one of my orchids is going to bloom. the flower spike has a few flower buds. in another month or so there will be flowers. i cant wait. such a small bit of colour in the white expanse of winter.

i have started to write my penpals again. its been hard as i just dont know what to say or how to explain my grief. the fog is starting to lift but in small amounts. i still cant seem to create anything on paper, but its a start.

i got a message from the office the other day saying how pleased the retirement home is with me working there and how helpful i am to the residents. for me it was something i really needed to hear as the last few days have been hard. but its good to know i am where i need to be. makes me feel good about my job choice as well. some days are harder than others but i do my best to make the client happy and make sure they are ok. it might be just as well i am working so i can keep my brain busy and off the fact that i am alone....

i start 6 days today, it will be hard as the holidays this year will be for me. i just smile and carry on and pretend i am ok. i am so lost and lonely without brent. i miss him so much. i still have so many of his things here. i wish i knew what he was thinking when he died.

i still have to do my self covid test before work. no test no work...fair enough. so i am going to go do that and finish getting things ready.

its sunday of my weekend off. i slept in until after eight. it felt so good to just be warm and toasty and comfy in bed. but i have to get up or i wont be able to sleep tonight. i have a few things i want to get done today. my son is coming by to check on the snowblower and see if he can get it running. he will also put up my spice rack. after that i will move some pots and paint the next section of shelf in the pantry.

its now tuesday and i am sore and tired. my spice rack is up and snow blower is running. i guess i should learn how to use it. the more i do on my own the more i relize brent is truly gone. for example setting up the tree, he would have done that and i would have put the lights on. he loved putting the ornaments on and would spend alot of time making sure it was perfect. it was fun watching him decide what to put on the tree.

work went ok yesterday, my student showed up and she says i am a good teacher. i never thought i would be training anyone at all, but i guess since i have been doing a good job at the retirement home they think i should show someone else. i am ok with that, i just hope i am not training someone else to take my job.

finished a square for my quilt yesterday. will make time later today to prep another couple of squares for the week. i am working on the weekend so will have some wait time for sure.

there is a staff meeting this afternoon as well so i will miss my story this afternoon. i was planning on doing some shopping at the grocery store for the week but it will have to wait for another day.

talked over my will with my son some more on sunday. will need to get it on paper now and be very clear about how things are going to go. he was grateful i was doing this now instead of waiting until the end. but really no one knows when the end is.....

i really have to start remembering to hit publish when i write an entry. its december and brent has been gone almost 11 months. i decorated the house and put some lights up outside. its ment to help me cheer up a bit.

there are still a couple of bins to bring back down but over all i think it looks pretty good.

my oldest son is coming by today and we will go over my will and where all the important documents will be stored. he has a key to the house and i told him of the plans for the animals. they will pass naturally as they age. no more cats will be brought in and i make sure to take any eggs to prevent any new birds. most of the birds are near 9 or 10 yrs old now. so they will start to pass of old age.

much later....

my son just left and i have dinner on.

we talked about the will and what i would like done. i would imagine it was a very uncomfortable conversation for him. but we got through it. i will start filling in the papers and then have it signed.

we had a good visit too. we talked about alot of things , and we came to an understanding about the house and things. so the first step is done. i always thought i would die first. but i guess i was wrong on that part. anyhow once this is done i will feel better about some things. i know is something that has to be done.

i managed to get the house looking half decent over the last few days, and the table cleared and looking good with some xmas cheer....

as the days go by this month it will be harder and harder , remembering this time last year....i sure miss him.

i did a bad thing yesterday.....i spent money at walmart ....on towels....for the downstairs bathroom. buying them will push me to paint the bathroom and get it done. then i can use the new towels.

i was supposed to do bloodwork today and go renew my plates but its freezing rain and i decided to go home instead.

i think its soup for dinner, dont feel hungry for anything else.

next day

i made it back home after renewing my plates before the snow started....sigh. i better find the snow shovel i guess.

i dont like winter and never will.

its a work day today and i also have a market sale item to pick up. it will be a long day. i get so tired because i work in the evenings.

as much as i enjoy the lights and ornaments at christmas , the idea of spending this xmas alone is hard. brent loved decorating the tree. he always wanted it to look perfect and it always did. so will find the lights and wreath for the outside. everyday i wonder if brent checks on me making sure i am ok. i dont think i will ever be ok, but time and life goes on, and i must move forward.

i always seem to think of something creative to say when i am at work, then when i sit here my mind goes blank.

i am working this weekend, so will be very tired by monday, my busiest work day. i have errands to do this afternoon as well and chores. tomorrow is the craft show. i am going with a friend and we might go for lunch too. i am looking forward to that.

a few days later: the craft show was great, i got a few ornaments and a bird house for outside. it was great to be able to take our time to look at things and not feel rushed. it was a steady but small crowd , it is usually wall to wall people and i leave early. after the show lauren and i went to east side marios for lunch. had a great catch up and visit.

today is day 6 of 6 and i am looking forward to some sleep tomorrow. i also have to renew my licence plates tomorrow as well. a dreaded task but has to be done.

i have been chatting with a nice gentleman online for a few weeks now. we email back and forth. no phone calls yet. no desire to meet yet. but i enjoy the emails. i am not even sure he wants to meet, but it does not matter, its just nice to have someone to chat with no matter how briefly.

brent died 10 months ago today. i sstill wonder what will happen to me in the years to come. i am getting older and i need to start asking for help. its hard when you really dont have anyone to ask......both of my kids work out of town and never know when they might be home.

i am taking life one day at a time....all i can do right now

a dull dreary morning, suits my mood. its raining too. i have things i can do inside. so will try and get some things done depending on my energy levels.

i treated myself the other day. i bought an antique sewing box. i love it. not sure what i will put in it yet, but i enjoy looking at it.

i came down this morning as looked at the trim i am painting blue around the kitchen window, i still love it. will try and finish that today and must let it dry for a few days before putting things back.

i also need to make some snacks for work. lately i have been making scones. something different, and they travel well in my bag.

why do my days off go so fast and my work days go so slow??? its monday tomorrow and i start at 645am. most of my clients are showers, so its a long wet day.

its thursday now. the days go by and sometimes i am not sure how i got to the end of the day. i can understand how a senior gets so lonely. i spent today alone, except for the cats etc. i understand people are busy and have to work or what ever i just miss being able to talk to brent or just having him here in the same room. well his ashes are in the same room as me, he just does not talk much.

i got a will kit in the mail, so will spend saturday working on filling it out and wondering who gets what. i dont think my kids what any of my stuff. brents tools maybe but that would be about all. sad to think my things will end up in a bin. but i know a will must be done.

its another saturday night on my weekend off and i am home alone. alone in the sense that no other human is here, the animals are still here however.

i tried to keep busy today with small chores around here. i started painting in the kitchen, the window trim. i am painting it blue. i really like it so far. i am thinking of painting the shelves in the pantry the same colour as well. will need more paint.

the depression still weighs heavy on me. i pretend to be ok at work but my heart still breaks for who i miss.

i have been moving things around lately. i moved the bunny cage to the back room, i think he likes it back there as well. i gave the bunny some bunny food i bought at the bulk store. leo then got his nose in the dish thinking he could eat it too....i guess he can try.

i got a couple of blocks prepped for the quilt, will try and get another done tomorrow as well for the week ahead. alot of the ladies come by when they see me working on a block and look to see what i am working on. i am still wondering how my center block will look . other than a house i am not sure what else i will put on it. i was thinking of a very large tree, and then put the house under the tree. see what happens i guess when i get closer to the end.

i find it hard to write these days as i dont seem to have much to say. i try and keep busy, but night time is really hard. i go to bed and i dont sleep well. i guess i am still listening for brent.

work is going ok. i am picking up more hours, i am up to 30 a week. its great for now. the widows pension is coming in as well. that is helping alot. no idea where i will be a year from now , but a year ago i didnt know i was going to be a widow so fast either.

there are so many lost souls , and most are afraid to reach out and ask for company, i am one of them.

it is fall now. another season over with out brent. the leaves are turning fast here and as the wind picks up they are blowing off the trees. the last few days have been very warm for this time of year. i got laundry out today in the sun. the sheets smell great! i remember how brent used to love the smell of sheet hung on the line. funny how he would always come upstairs after i was done changing said sheets.

i still miss him at night. i miss feeling him next to me, his snoring, his moving around , taking the blankets and pillows, and kissing me goodnight.

i got the iris planted this week. a friend mailed them to me. i cant wait to see if they will bloom next summer. i am really going to have to work on the gardens next summer. i let it go so bad this year. i really didnt want to be reminded of brent being out there all the time doing this and that. he was never happier than when he was working in the dirt.

i am making progress on the quilt. i have decided on a central block. it will be a house. i am ;not sure what else i will add to the block yet. the layout will come next summer when i can do it outside in the sun. this will help with colour and tone and placement. i should have enough made by then. i am up to 74 out of 256.

i have not felt up to writing. some days i come home and my emotional tank is empty and i cant feel anything. i use it all up at work trying to be normal. trying to make sure i remember what i have to do. my memory is not so good some days and i forget things. but i am older too so they understand.

i am still phoning my friend every night. we touch base and at least both of us have someone to talk to at the end of the day even if its only on the phone. we talk about our day and what happened or didnt.