katelovesorange

i was in the dollar store and walked by the seasonal display of ...thanksgiving, and thought another holiday alone. my kids will be too busy to think to invite me to come over. i will probably be working anyway. just as well , its hard to be in an empty house on a holiday.

i know i have to stop looking back and look forward. so much around here reminds me of brent. just this morning apollo the bunny was doing the happy dance in brents chair, all i was thinking its a good thing brent didnt see that. then i thought he wont. he wont see alot of things. i wonder every day if he is still proud of me and how i am managing to carry on with out him. the small things i am able to do.

lots to do today. drs appt and errands. tomorrw starts 6 days and i dont want to spend any more energy than i have to doing running around.

i have to get the single mattress out of the back room too. i am giving it away. so will have to clear the hallway of the things i am giving away as well. then vaccum the cat hair as much as i can. will work on that when i can and the pain level is not through the roof in my knee.

my right knee is getting worse even with the brace. i dont wear it all the time, just for work when i need it most. when i come home i take it off. the pain level does not really go down and even in bed i find it hard to get comfortable. will have to ask the doctor about it.

the pain and fatigue takes so much out of me. i try and get something done eveyday, like ironing 2 work shirts, or washing the floor or parts of it. somedays i just dont. i use all my good energy at work...and i hate that.

so i did a thing today. i finished cleaning the top of the frig and washing all the stuff on it...yeh me. then i decided to make scones for the first time ever....omg they turned out so good. didnt take me too long and the recipe was really simple too. i have had 2 already. will make them again. they will be good takealong for work. the ones i made have raisins. i could make it with other dried fruit chopped very small. i love my food processer...

i got another sewing job to do..small but its still a couple of bucks. i dont mind doing it. as i can work on it at home.

my progress in the kitchen will be slow as i will work on it when energy permits. there is no way i could do it all at once.

my son is still ignoring me. i loaned him money and he cant be bothered to pay me back. i messaged him on facebook. i am not happy about the money and about not seeing the kids either. i really miss them. no idea if i will ever get to see them again.

time for bed....a long day tomorrow

well today can only get better. i went to sleep with my glasses on and didnt even notice. i spent a good hour looking for them everywhere. in the bathroom , by my chair, my bedside table , kitchen...i found them in the blankets...geez i feel so old now.

i went to home depot on wed looking for some small wood so i could make my spice rack. well the wood i was looking for is not for sale as it is scrap wood. so i dug through the bin and hopefully found enough to make it. i bought a saw to trim the plum trees . there are alot of small branches near the bottom of the tree that can be cut off. i also bought a small amount of paint for the spice rack. i need to start sanding the wood. its not very smooth at all. in the scrap wood bin i also found some wooden bannister pieces. they are perfect for a grab bar in the bathroom and a small railing on the stairs...so now i need to get the brackets to put them on the walls. i should clear coat the pieces first so i can wipe them down when needed. but that will be more of a winter project when my son is back in town.

this week has seemed so long. maybe because i am spending so much time alone. someone i as chatting with on a dating site is not messaging anymore. so i guess he has found someone else to chat with. just as well. no point in wasting anymore time on someone who is not interested in me. i have to be ok with being alone.

my creativity is finally starting to come back. i made a trading card this week. it turned out really well. i am working on a halloween card now. see what happens.....

i spend another weekend alone. everyone else is busy. my son who i lent some money too is too busy to pay me back. i wont be doing that again. i spend 2 days off work with no one to talk to and no where to go. so i just spend time trying to tidy up here. it does not feel like i am making much progress but i have filled one bag for donation.

i miss the everyday things brent and i would do. yesterday i did some shopping and he would have brought it in for me. now i have to wait until my son can bring in the feed for me, or try and do it myself. i miss the hot summer days of going for a picnic. i miss having to wash the blanket on his chair because he spilled something on it. i miss having him cook once in a while. i miss his voice, his laugh, his hugs, most of all i miss him....

well today can only get better. i went to sleep with my glasses on and didnt even notice. i spent a good hour looking for them everywhere. in the bathroom , by my chair, my bedside table , kitchen...i found them in the blankets...geez i feel so old now.

i went to home depot on wed looking for some small wood so i could make my spice rack. well the wood i was looking for is not for sale as it is scrap wood. so i dug through the bin and hopefully found enough to make it. i bought a saw to trim the plum trees . there are alot of small branches near the bottom of the tree that can be cut off. i also bought a small amount of paint for the spice rack. i need to start sanding the wood. its not very smooth at all. in the scrap wood bin i also found some wooden bannister pieces. they are perfect for a grab bar in the bathroom and a small railing on the stairs...so now i need to get the brackets to put them on the walls. i should clear coat the pieces first so i can wipe them down when needed. but that will be more of a winter project when my son is back in town.

this week has seemed so long. maybe because i am spending so much time alone. someone i as chatting with on a dating site is not messaging anymore. so i guess he has found someone else to chat with. just as well. no point in wasting anymore time on someone who is not interested in me. i have to be ok with being alone.

my creativity is finally starting to come back. i made a trading card this week. it turned out really well. i am working on a halloween card now. see what happens.....

i had a bit of a cry at work. i can access facebook on my work phone. and there where memories to look at. one of them was brent in a few pictures in his kilt and looking so proud. he looked great in it too. it just brought back so many feelings. i miss him so much. still hard to believe he is gone. i know he was real and loved me, but our time together was so short. a brief second in time. i talk to him everyday and wonder what he says to me.....

well this mornings fruit was a disappointment. i bought some fresh peaches. i cut one up and bit into it and it tasted like nothing. not a peach, nothing. no idea what i will do with the rest of the basket. they where picked way too early so there is no flavour. i paided 4.oo for flavourless fruit.

i made some pickled veg last week and pickles. i reduced the salt. will have to wait a few more weeks to try them. i still have some veg i need to get in the freezer.

the day is dull and boring. another day of indoor work. i get to clean cat boxes and the aviary today. i need to clean the floors again and change the bed. the bed really does not get messy. i dont move around much. i sleep on my side of the bed only, the other side has all the extra pillows and blankets.

i was walking by a photo in the hallway of brent and i love that photo. he looks so classy. i now wonder sometimes if he was even really here in my life. of course there are still some of his things around the house...but he was in and out so fast it hurts so much....

i still spend so much time scrolling through facebook and utube. its mindless and i dont have to try and think about anything...

i am really beginning to hate days off. it is too quiet and i am too alone.

its my weekend off. i did some errands today. i picked up my meds and did a grocery shop. and i did some photocoping too.

i made copies of patterns for possible quilt blocks. i really like a few of the ideas. i am still trying to figure out a center block. not sure what yet. i bought a new cordless kettle. cleaned off some of the counter for it. i tossed alot of stuff out of the pantry, most of it was old. i made a apple bread pudding with some old bread and apples. it turned out pretty good. next time i will use butter instead of milk, or half and half.

i cleaned some cages and fed and watered everyone. i am looking after a friends cat and ferret. lauren and noel took the dog. the cat really misses company. i stayed with her for a little while. i will spend some time with her tomorrow too. lauren is due back on tues i think.

i was just talking to my oldest son. he needs some mending done. so will hem his work pants when he gets back again. says he has about 7 pairs of pants to do. i says i will trade him my sewing for the ac unit he bought and put in for me. i think its fair.

my oldest has convinced me to start using the dishwasher too, so i am. it has really helped alot. the only thing i am washing by hand is the plastics. they will melt in the dishwasher.

i am making slow progress on the quilt. but i keep moving forward. it will be dedicated to brent when done. it will be called hearts and flowers.

i still have to get my taxes done. i keep forgetting to call the lady that helped me last year. my memory is not the greatest.

all my creatures have helped to keep me going these long months. its my weekend off and i wish i was working for something to do. the day is long when you come home to no one. i find the nights long. i started to call my friend in london. we connect almost everyday. it helps me alot to know i have a friend out there somewhere who really knows me. we talk about everyday stuff and remember some old things and laugh and sometimes i cry for what might have been. i still love him but i am not in love with him. i have never asked him but i think its the same.

i joined a dating site. so far perverts and scammers. so in other words nothing. sometimes i would like to just have someone to do things with. being alone sometimes is hard. i miss brent every single minute of every single day. you never really know how much you love someone until they are gone forever.....

i am still not sleeping well. i slept for about 4 hours last night before i had to get up and pee. then i could not get back to sleep so i got up at 3am . i am tired so tired. its so hard to face being in bed alone everynight. i miss knowing brent was there in the night. i miss hearing him whisper in my ear he loves me. i miss all the small things of the night. sleep does not come easy. i keep something to work on in the night,beside the bed.

i dont know if i want another man in my life,i dont like being alone but i dont want to raise another husband either....on the bright side to all of this my sons are helping more when they are not working....

day off today. tomorrow i start 6 days in a row. it is always tiring but somehow i make it to the end. somedays i am ok and others the idea of going back to the house and no one is there is soul crushing. i cant avoid coming home as i have creatures to look after. it still is hard to look over and not see him sitting in his chair.

todays goal is to try and get the table cleared off and hopfully the coutertop, and finish the floors. friend of mine who checks up on me wanted to come over and help me sort out the house. i cant let her come over . i am so embarrased on how the house looks.

i also want to finish my penpal postcard. its been really hard to get back into making it. my mind has been so blank since brent died. like when ruth died i lost my creative mojo. it took a year for my creative mojo to come back. i cant force it. grief is something you have to work through on your own. i am hoping it comes back soon. but until then will work on my quilt i just pick a block i like and make it.

i also need to do some repotting of a couple of plants, that wont take too long. just need to remember to do it. then iron a few more scrub tops, and pack up another bag of brents clothes for donation. i am doing it a bit at a time. its so hard. some days i am feeling like i am throwing him away out of my life. i know its just clothes, but he was so proud to look good for me.

its been so long since i felt up to writing anything.

june and july where so hard. brent would have turned 65 in june. i turned 60 in july. it was a very lonely and quiet birthday. so now its just me the cats and bunny and doves. fred the budgie died.

i am so tired of being alone some days. i used to look forward to coming home and hearing brent yell downstair.the house is too quiet. sure i hear the birds and the cats talking. but i really miss brents voice.

he has been gone now 7 months today. i found some old facebook posts he did and he was speaking. it was wonderful to hear his voice. i started to cry.

i have been donating his clothes. one bag at a time. i feel like i am throwing him away. its so hard. i know he is not gonna walk through the door again. i just dont want to feel like i am just tossing him out of our house and life.

i have been so depressed that i have let the house go. i have not been keeping up with the chores very well. i am making an effort to try and change that. my son convinced me to start using the dishwasher. so i am for now. its helping to keep me motivated to keep going. i finished a sewing project that a friend wanted me to help with. she was so excited it was done. i was glad. i am caught up on laundry . i still have some shirts to iron but i don one or two a day.

i started a quilt to help me work through the grief.. its helping as i never worked on a quilt around brent. he usually saw me knitting. i was always making something for him. i dont have any memories of him commenting on my quilt so its not so hard to work on. i work on the quilt everyday. even if its just 10 min i am not very creative right now. i cant seem to make any trading cards right now. i went through the same thing when my friend ruth died. it took a year for me to get creative again. grief is so hard.

i am still not sleeping well. i am up some nights every hour. its tiring. i never slept well alone.

i really didnt plan on being alone i suppose no one plans on anyone dying.

day off and i should be out doing things. but i just dont have the energy to do anything. its like i live here alone now so if it does not get done it does not matter. if i dont eat it does not matter. if i dont do anything it does not matter. my creatures i feed and water and clean up after them. they are happy i am home.

i spend hours at a time in front of my laptop hoping someone will message and say hi how are you doing..... no one ever does. yes i know i can message and say hi. i have messaged and some dont respond or i get a short hi and not much else as they wonder away from the keyboard. so i keep the radio and tv on for company. i go to bed alone , i wake up alone. i wake up hoping this is still a dream. but its not. i get up and carry on with my day and try and get a few things done. being alone never gets any easier. the amount of times my ex went away and came back months later was still hard. the key part is there was someone coming home. today there is no one. i come home to the cats, birds, and the bunny. all of which in their own way are happy i am home i am sure, its just not the same as coming home and having someone rush downstairs to get a hug and is so happy to see you. i miss him so much.

i washed the floor, and an hour later the cat pukes on it. sigh. so i have to do it again. still have a ton of dishes to do. i never seem to get around to doing them, or i just dont care if they get done or not. its not like someone is going to come in and help me with stuff. my son has gone out of town for work again. no idea how long he will be gone for.

i have put down my big quilt for now as its too hot to work on right now. will pick it back up when it cools off again.

i am starting to come out of the widow fog i call it. my brain is getting better at doing thing. yesterday i did a few errands and accually remembered to do them all.

my dr called yesterday with the results of my latest bloodwork. seems i am low in iron. so yet another script to deal with. i am not sure how many things i am on now, but its getting annoying. my iron is low because i am not eating. i am not eating because i am not hungry. i am not hungry because i am in a lot of pain. sometimes when i am in a lot of pain for long periods of time my stomach is usually upset as well. so i dont want to be throwing up at work either. i buy food , i just cant seem to eat it fast enough. some days i have to force myself to eat, because of the meds. yesterday when i was picking up my meds i picked up a few things because i start my 6 days and dont think i will have the energy to do anything at the end of the day.

i have some things to do before work today. i better get to it , so will post this for now and start a new entry tomorrow.

i have not been doing well. brent has been gone 5 months now. yesterday he would have been 65. i am not sure if he was excited about his birthday or not. i always made him a cake and fussed about a dinner for him. i know he loved that. this year nothing. i just felt incredibly sad.

i am working because i have to. still feel crappy and in pain. not much anyone can do for that. i had to buy a knee support. it is helping. and the pain in my knee has lessened alot. so i deem it a success for now.

my son came over on thursday to replace my kitchen tap. the new tap looks great! he had a hard time getting the old tap out and had to go home a couple of times to get more tools. but he got it done. next job is the toilet. not sure how happy he will be about that. i have tried all kinds of things to clear the pipe but no go. so now i think it might have to be snaked out.

my depression is bad right now. i have not been doing well. i dont do what i need to do around the house. i dont eat. i go to work but its all i can do. i am so sad its all i can do to make it from day to day. its all the creatures that keep me here. who would look after them. they all need me. they have brought me this far. i am so alone. i go days without talking to anyone besides my clients at work. this reminds me of when my ex would leave to go on military tour and i would be alone for months on end and not talk to anyone. i would not go out . i would not go any place but the grocery store. i know its not brents fault but i feel abandoned. does this get any better? i spend so many nights alone curled around pillows wishing it was brent.....

its my day off and i really have not done much. i had planned on doing the cages and aviary this morning. got chatting with my son for 2 hours. then while i was having breakfast he comes by for me to meet his new dog. he was here for about an hour. finally remembered to give him his mail , there was a big pile of mail too.so i managed to get the cat boxes done and one cage. everyone is fed and watered in the back room. i managed to brush the bunny some more. he was a little more relaxed about it. will try and do a little more tomorrow. poor thing is going to be almost bald by the time i am done. apollo the rabbit follows me around like a puppy . he allows me to pick him up but only on his terms, like cats. but i can catch him and carry him when i need to.

it was raining this morning too so never got my seeds planted. when it cools off later i might go out and do that, if i remember.

i got some dishes done and made some lunch. i also cut some more pieces for the quilt. it takes a long time to do the prep for the sewing, but right now all i have is time. no where to go and no one to see. my uniform is ready for tomorrow. so a quick shower before bed tonight and i am done.

i often wonder what my life will be like a year from now, a month from now or even a week from now. i cant see me planning anything even after the lock down. dont want to disappoint myself.

i still have laundry to bring upstairs and jars to bring downstairs. i just dont have the ambition to do it. not big jobs but just ones that need to be done. its like i still need to uncover the single bed . i am giving lauren the boxspring for her day bed. the rest of the bed i will put on the curb i guess. i have no use for it. it was brents before he met me. once we got together i dont think he used it again.

it was only 9 short years that we had together. i will always remember him as a good man. he was good to me and treated me with love. no one is perfect, i know he had faults. but he was perfect for me. i would like someone in my life again but i also know that want and need are two different things. if i ever meet another man he will have to work very hard to convince me to let him into my life.

i find this time of day the hardest. its early evening. when brent and i would sit outside and have a tea or coffee and chat about the day. or just sit and look at the trees and flowers. the dwarf iris are blooming and many dandilions in the back yard. should keep the bees going for a while. i am seeing the wild pansies all over the yard. there are forget me knots too. lupins are everywhere and some have a flower stock. soon they will bloom too. the cherry bushes have so many flowers this year. maybe i will get enough to make some jam. i cut all the chives and dried them. i am sad brent will not see this again i am sad he will not have the joy of growing something with his hands. he took great pride in making the yard and gardens look the best they could. i will do my best to make the yard look good, but it will never be as nice as brent......