katelovesorange

why is it i want someone in my life but i dont want them living in my house, does that make any sense? i would like someone special as another valentines rolls around. brent spoiled me very much on valentines. his ability to surprise me knew no bounds. i miss that about him. i have very high expectations of anyone i let into my life now. i know what i want and dont want. i wont list my wants here other than someone who wants me as much as i want him.

the house feels too big some days. i feel like i have no purpose here other than to feed the cats , rabbit and birds. in the summer i cut the grass and in the winter i shovel snow.

some guy just came by, says he is brents friend. i told him brent was dead. he says he had not heard. i am thinking if you where his friend you would have come to see him long before now. i didnt let him come in , i barely opened the door. i really didnt think i should talk to him anymore. so i closed the door.

later on

its my day off now, i slept about 10 hours. not unusual for me after working 6 days. i feel pretty good and my eyes dont burn right now from being so tired.

todays goals are cages and cat box. later on grocery store and maybe photo copy. the photocopy is for a quilt pattern. the blocks are huge. 14 in. so i need 2 copies , one to make templates from and the other to trace the pattern onto the fabric. it will take awhile to find enough cereal boxes to make all the templates. no rush for that. i still need to find the right fabric for the blocks. the finished project shows red fabric. so i am not sure what i should pick. will keep looking as i will know when i see it. this will also be a great take along project as well. i can work on one block at a time . will be on the hunt for another metal box....lol

time for tea...

its day 3 of 6 and i can hardly keep my eyes open. i am checking the time and have to leave to go back to work in half an hour. it will be a very long day tomorrow.

i didnt get much done today other than some dishes. i made some more scones. they are hot pepper and cheese. i think they turned out really good, if you like spicey of course.

the cats are still on me like glue...no idea why . i have never had cats act this way before. i had one that hid behind the sofa all the time. he was very shy.

i was chatting with someone for awhile. lately he does not message to even say hi. if he is not making an effort , why should i? so i wont and let it die a quick death.

i am thinking of cutting my hair off. i know a strange thing for me. i have had long hair for years and years. my hair is getting so thin now its really bothering me. my hair has alot of natural curl and it will come out when my hair is shorter. maybe i will try it for the summer. even though long hair is easy to look after for me, i dont want my hair to look so sad because its so thin now.

as usual i come home to something knocked off something, and they left me a gift....half a mouse. well at least they are good at catching them.

i have been helping a lady at the retirement home who needs extra care, off the clock. i am not sure if i will get in trouble for it or not, but i know she needs it. she also needs someone just there with her. so i help her with some small things like making her a tea, or something to eat.

i never thought i would make an effort for this lady. we did not start off well at first. i guess time has a way of smoothing things over. she keeps asking for me to stay longer and have a tea. i will do that tomorrow.

so its saturday and i am working all weekend, still split shift and i will still be very tired by monday night. i have to pas last weekend my friend lauren and i went thrift hopping , i donated some things as well. i found some fun things as al and a set of sheets for the single bed just in case son needs to spend some time here again. i really liked having sommyeone in the house again. made me feel needed somewhat. i didnt feel so alone all the time knowing he was here. i miss having him here. it really gave me a reason to cook. it forced me to try and keep up with cleaning too.

lauren also took me to a crafters market. she suggested i try sell some of what i make there. so hence why i am making the hanging birds. i only planned on making a couple. one for me and one for her . it takes me a long time to make just one. its all hand done and embroidered as well. i am certainly not in it to make money. just to some of my work out there. just wish i could find the basket of beads.

later

it has been a very long day. i am ready for bed, i need a shower first. i brought lauren one of my xstitch books to borrow. she was looking for some lettering charts. i was glad i could help.

i made seafood chowder for dinner. it turned out pretty good. i might do it again. i made the wrong scones though...i thought i baked the spicey ones , it was the lemon ones. i ate them anyway. will make some spicey ones tomorrow.

i was able to get some sewing done today as well. its about all i had energy for. i am just so tired. so i will close here for now....

these last couple of weeks have been hell. my son discovered i needed a new furnance. 5000.00 later i have that. thank goodness for credit cards. then my modem died. so i was off line for almost 2 weeks. so i had to wait for a new one to arrive. so now i am sorted for that, then the pipes froze as the basement is cooler now , so i have to leave water running on really cold days. so much for saving money....sigh.

i am starting to feel better mentally this last week or two. i am forcing myself to try and keep up on things such as dishes and washing the floors, as the bunny free ranges. with my pain levels as they are right now, i do my best. i am also making an effort to use up what i have on hand. most of it being meat as brent was always looking at that and buying it. i just find it hard to eat. i dont like the taste or texture so cover it in sauce to try and hide what i dont like.

in the mean time i am still making headway on my mourning quilt. i have prepped a few more squares for the week, one being a black and red rose. i found some random fabric in a box i can use in the quilt as well. i was looking for the red basket of large beads for the hanging birds i am making to sell. so far no beads yet. i remember seeing the basket i just cant remember where.

i am still working on getting rid of things. donating things and tossing what is garbage. as much as it bothered my son to keep some boxes i had to explain that i cant get boxes at the grocery store anymore as they are broken down and recyled. so i keep a few of the good ones. i have actually been getting rid of some of the craft things i wont use. i thought it might be hard to do but doing it in small doses was ok.

at the beginning of the year i said to myself i would make a greater effort to write more. so far that has been a bit of a bust, but every day is a new day and i can try more every day.

i have also begun the process of signing things over to my oldest son when i die. his name is on my life insurance now. the next step is to put his name on the house bank account , so he can do what needs to be done in reguards to the bills etc. anything else will have to go through a lawyer now. why? because my youngest son has gone silent with everyone including his grandmother. he has taken money from so many people with no intention of ever paying back that he will get nothing more from me. i will leave something for the girls .

the december colon exam went fine and nothing of note was found. next exam in 3 years. i see the dr next in march. i have to get blood work done next week, i wrote it in my planner as a reminder.

one thing i have to do this week is bring up the bins to put away the xmas things. as much as i love looking at all the things, its time to put it away.

its getting harder to type right now...cats want my attention and are trying to lay on the laptop. so will close for now and will plan for a new entry tomorrow.....

i was not sure how my son and i would get along living together, but so far so good. he has been a big help around here doing the things i would have to pay someone to do. we did figure out that the wall in the pantry will have to be taken apart and figure out why there is no power to the light. today he is working on the seal around the front door.

i am working this weekend. my next day off is thursday. so its going to be a very long week.

brent has been gone a year now. i made it through all the firsts. it has been the hardest year of my life. i really didnt think i would get through it, but somehow i did. with work and a friend and my art i was able to make it through the year.

this week has been very hard working up to this day. thinking about how sick he was and then having to send him to the hospital knowing he would never come home. it was one of the hardest things i ever did. i could see the fear in his eyes when he left. he knew as well. there was nothing i could have said that would have made things easier. i was grateful for being there at the end for him.

i left the hospital that day knowing i would walk alone now. for how long i dont know. i walk to honour brent and i keep things going here for him.

last week i needed a new furnance. a big chunk of money to be sure but at least i had the credit card to pay for it. adam discovered the problems with the old one. he also checked over my car and got that sorted out for me. so i am good for now.

i also told adam that the house and its contents would be his when i die. being as i have not heard from my youngest son in months and no one else has either. he has taken money from who knows how many people and is now in the wind. so i guess he is gone now. as for my grandkids will have to contact a lawyer to be able to see them again.

i am still very busy at work. i have some fillins tomorrow and will be home later so will be too tired to do any shopping. will try on wed in guess.

adam is wanting me to get rid of the birds. i said i would try and set a few free in the summer. no idea how they will survive on their own. i found one bird has passed today of all days. they are getting older now and it should be no surprise now.

i am trying to finish a knitted beanie for a resident. cats are not helping much. so i dont get much chance to knit right now...

its time to sleep....

its the new year. christmas has come and gone. i am glad its finally over. all it did this year was bring back memories of brent and how sick he was, and the fact i was working as usual.

my oldest also had a birthday, he is 37now. hard to believe. time has gone by so fast. he has done well for himself and for his family. he is visiting his grandmother out of town this week. i am glad he decided to go see her. i am sure she misses family alot now that her husband is gone too.

it is a few days later and my life has been turned upside down. my son and his wife have broken up for reason only known to them. he has come to live with me until he can decide what to do next. i dont have a problem with that. i am very happy he could ask to come back home. i would imagine it was very hard for him to ask. i know he is not happy with the clutter but i did promise to make an effort for it to be better for him. it will also push me to get rid of more stuff a little faster too.

we are also locked down again. so its 3 weeks of everything being closed again. i am being tested every time i go into work. i am glad as then i know i am negative being as i work with seniors.

my friend has asked for 2 more of the bird ornaments , so i have been working on those as well as my quilt. the birds are fun to make and small enough i can work them up pretty quick.

i got called in to work on my day off today. i says ok i will come in if i get paid double....and dam if they didnt say ok. so i work 2 hours today and get paid for 4. big bonus for me. in the long run i will be working 10 days. it will be a very long stretch until my next day off, but i have bills to pay as well all do.

today is a day i will always remember in a special way. i made brent his final dinner. roast chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes , gravey etc. this was his last full meal he ever ate. some how back then i knew this was our last xmas together such as it was. i did my best to make it special for him. he loved his food, and i was so lucky he loved my cooking. i am truly grateful for having him in my life. he taught me so much in the brief time we where together. the best thing he ever taught me was that i deserve the best of life has to offer and not to settle.

i think of that meal often. i remember the look on his face when he ate his chicken. he looked so happy and thrilled to have something other than hospital food. i have not done much cooking in the last year , it reminds me too much of brent. i look in the freezer at all the food that was supposed to feed brent and wonder what to do now. the only thing i make every day is my hot cereal in the morning. it keeps me going most of the day and i had protein to it as well.

these past couple of weeks i have been working on an ornament. fabric birds, hand sewn by me. i found the pattern online and have changed a few things but i really like how they have turned out. i made a few for my son and his family. i hope they like them. i go see him on sunday for a brunch type of visit. being as i am working this weekend , split shift on sat and sun so it will be a quick visit. even though it will be quick still will be great to see them all .

i made some xmas cake last weekend. it turned out great! but then again i love xmas cake. i wont be doing anymore baking for now. i did so much cooking and baking for brent. he ate alot too. making anything now seems a waste, i dont eat very much right now..

one of my orchids is going to bloom. the flower spike has a few flower buds. in another month or so there will be flowers. i cant wait. such a small bit of colour in the white expanse of winter.

i have started to write my penpals again. its been hard as i just dont know what to say or how to explain my grief. the fog is starting to lift but in small amounts. i still cant seem to create anything on paper, but its a start.

i got a message from the office the other day saying how pleased the retirement home is with me working there and how helpful i am to the residents. for me it was something i really needed to hear as the last few days have been hard. but its good to know i am where i need to be. makes me feel good about my job choice as well. some days are harder than others but i do my best to make the client happy and make sure they are ok. it might be just as well i am working so i can keep my brain busy and off the fact that i am alone....

i start 6 days today, it will be hard as the holidays this year will be for me. i just smile and carry on and pretend i am ok. i am so lost and lonely without brent. i miss him so much. i still have so many of his things here. i wish i knew what he was thinking when he died.

i still have to do my self covid test before work. no test no work...fair enough. so i am going to go do that and finish getting things ready.

today is a day i will always remember in a special way. i made brent his final dinner. roast chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes , gravey etc. this was his last full meal he ever ate. some how back then i knew this was our last xmas together such as it was. i did my best to make it special for him. he loved his food, and i was so lucky he loved my cooking. i am truly grateful for having him in my life. he taught me so much in the brief time we where together. the best thing he ever taught me was that i deserve the best of life has to offer and not to settle.

i think of that meal often. i remember the look on his face when he ate his chicken. he looked so happy and thrilled to have something other than hospital food. i have not done much cooking in the last year , it reminds me too much of brent. i look in the freezer at all the food that was supposed to feed brent and wonder what to do now. the only thing i make every day is my hot cereal in the morning. it keeps me going most of the day and i had protein to it as well.

these past couple of weeks i have been working on an ornament. fabric birds, hand sewn by me. i found the pattern online and have changed a few things but i really like how they have turned out. i made a few for my son and his family. i hope they like them. i go see him on sunday for a brunch type of visit. being as i am working this weekend , split shift on sat and sun so it will be a quick visit. even though it will be quick still will be great to see them all .

i made some xmas cake last weekend. it turned out great! but then again i love xmas cake. i wont be doing anymore baking for now. i did so much cooking and baking for brent. he ate alot too. making anything now seems a waste, i dont eat very much right now..

one of my orchids is going to bloom. the flower spike has a few flower buds. in another month or so there will be flowers. i cant wait. such a small bit of colour in the white expanse of winter.

i have started to write my penpals again. its been hard as i just dont know what to say or how to explain my grief. the fog is starting to lift but in small amounts. i still cant seem to create anything on paper, but its a start.

i got a message from the office the other day saying how pleased the retirement home is with me working there and how helpful i am to the residents. for me it was something i really needed to hear as the last few days have been hard. but its good to know i am where i need to be. makes me feel good about my job choice as well. some days are harder than others but i do my best to make the client happy and make sure they are ok. it might be just as well i am working so i can keep my brain busy and off the fact that i am alone....

i start 6 days today, it will be hard as the holidays this year will be for me. i just smile and carry on and pretend i am ok. i am so lost and lonely without brent. i miss him so much. i still have so many of his things here. i wish i knew what he was thinking when he died.

i still have to do my self covid test before work. no test no work...fair enough. so i am going to go do that and finish getting things ready.

its sunday of my weekend off. i slept in until after eight. it felt so good to just be warm and toasty and comfy in bed. but i have to get up or i wont be able to sleep tonight. i have a few things i want to get done today. my son is coming by to check on the snowblower and see if he can get it running. he will also put up my spice rack. after that i will move some pots and paint the next section of shelf in the pantry.

its now tuesday and i am sore and tired. my spice rack is up and snow blower is running. i guess i should learn how to use it. the more i do on my own the more i relize brent is truly gone. for example setting up the tree, he would have done that and i would have put the lights on. he loved putting the ornaments on and would spend alot of time making sure it was perfect. it was fun watching him decide what to put on the tree.

work went ok yesterday, my student showed up and she says i am a good teacher. i never thought i would be training anyone at all, but i guess since i have been doing a good job at the retirement home they think i should show someone else. i am ok with that, i just hope i am not training someone else to take my job.

finished a square for my quilt yesterday. will make time later today to prep another couple of squares for the week. i am working on the weekend so will have some wait time for sure.

there is a staff meeting this afternoon as well so i will miss my story this afternoon. i was planning on doing some shopping at the grocery store for the week but it will have to wait for another day.

talked over my will with my son some more on sunday. will need to get it on paper now and be very clear about how things are going to go. he was grateful i was doing this now instead of waiting until the end. but really no one knows when the end is.....

i really have to start remembering to hit publish when i write an entry. its december and brent has been gone almost 11 months. i decorated the house and put some lights up outside. its ment to help me cheer up a bit.

there are still a couple of bins to bring back down but over all i think it looks pretty good.

my oldest son is coming by today and we will go over my will and where all the important documents will be stored. he has a key to the house and i told him of the plans for the animals. they will pass naturally as they age. no more cats will be brought in and i make sure to take any eggs to prevent any new birds. most of the birds are near 9 or 10 yrs old now. so they will start to pass of old age.

much later....

my son just left and i have dinner on.

we talked about the will and what i would like done. i would imagine it was a very uncomfortable conversation for him. but we got through it. i will start filling in the papers and then have it signed.

we had a good visit too. we talked about alot of things , and we came to an understanding about the house and things. so the first step is done. i always thought i would die first. but i guess i was wrong on that part. anyhow once this is done i will feel better about some things. i know is something that has to be done.

i managed to get the house looking half decent over the last few days, and the table cleared and looking good with some xmas cheer....

as the days go by this month it will be harder and harder , remembering this time last year....i sure miss him.