katelovesorange

the brain fog has been bad lately. i try and remind myself to write , then i forget. i think i need to make myself a reminder note.

i got word after work yesterday that the office wants me to train another student. i am both flattered and scared. i will do my best to turn out a great psw. i start working with her tomorrow. we shall see how it goes.

i am in alot of pain these days. my hips are sore all the time. some days i can hardly walk from one client to another. i put on a happy face and keep going and pretend all is well. having that much pain all the time makes me so tired. when i come home i fall asleep. not something i want to do but what my body needs to do. when i get that tired my eyes cant focus very well and feel like they are burning.

i got some chores done today on my day off. i changed the tea cups and put some things away, and did some laundry. nothing exciting but anything completed is a win right now. i made dinner and it turned out pretty good. i also finished putting the beads on one of my birds. i really like the way it turned out. i need to finish a few more and find a display to hang them. i am trying to get things ready to go for the beginning of may...for mothers day. that is my goal anyhow.

i am still working away on my quilt. finished another block the other day. i need to start looking for a backing. just not sure how big of a piece i need as the squares are not put together yet. i really am looking forward to seeing the top done.

i gave the bunny a brush today. he seemed ok with most of it and i trimmed around his eyes as well. he was happy to get back to his corner when i was done. i have found him eating cat food as well. though not good for him i cant seem to get him to stop . he also likes to drag the water dish around as well. sigh....

i finally found my box of beads...took some time but i am so glad i have finally found it. so now i can put some more beads onto the birds. i might have to buy a string or two....to match but i have quite a few colours to start.

its getting on and i better get to bed....

another valentines day alone. that about says it allfor this day.

i miss all the things brent would do this day. i was very lucky to have met him, my one great love. no one can compare to who he was.

i am not sure if i will meet someone, but if i do i know what i want and dont want. i will not settle for less what i deserve.

i fell asleep watching my show. i didnt want to. it means i find it hard to sleep at night. anyhow, he came by and left a valentines for me. i could not thank him enough. on top of that he left it when i was sleeping. hard to believe i didnt hear him come in, but i didnt. guess i was really tired. he surprised me today , very much so.

being alone is better than being with someone you shouldnt be with....

i was surfing facebook when i got a notice that i have memories to look at. so i click over to the page and found some fun things to look back at, as well as a video of brent and i and a friend. the friend was making flower balloons for me for valentines day. it was 5 years ago now. how time flies by so fast with out you noticing. sure it was 5 years ago but it seems like yesterday, his voice i hear in my mind all the time when i ask him a question. so much can change in 5 years or even a year, a month, a week , or a day or even an hour. i dont know where my life is going to go now, but what ever happens i walk the path alone.

no one can walk this path of grief with me. i have to move through it in my own way for ever how long it takes me. it gets lonely sometimes. unless you have a spouse that has died , you dont really understand how things are. i try so hard to pretend to be ok most days, but inside i am crying or screaming or just plain sad.

today i have to try and get some things done off my list. it is my day off and i should get something done instead of wasting the day. its too cold to go out, and i dont want to get dressed anyhow. rather just lay in bed and pretend i am not in this nightmare. pretend brent is downstairs making breakfast or lunch or dinner. then he yells up and tells me to come down and eat. he has set the table and made something that smells so wonderful i cant wait to taste it, and i wonder how i am so lucky to end up with a man who loves me so much. then i wake up and my dream is all a lie, again.

the sun is out today , bright clear and cold is the day. on days like this i miss snuggling in bed with brent and watching a movie. i fell asleep alot but he didnt care. we where together.

i started to bring up the bins to put the xmas stuff away. its time. as much as i like it, it will look weird in july...

i am working tomorrow, valentines day. its ok it will help pass the day. the evening will be hard. i always seem to be searching for him around every corner. i still have one of his pipes in the car. i sniff it now and then. still smell the tobacco. will this ache ever go away. i pour myself into work so i dont have to feel anything at home. its still too painful. i can understand why people move. its really hard still being here some days.

i just refilled the pill box for the week. i found a box i can live with. if i could just focus on my quilt block i would be able to finish that today too. i cant seem to focus at all today. i am all over. i made my xmas cakes. i want to make some scones as well. almost time to make something for dinner. some days i really miss cooking for brent and how much he would enjoy it....miss you honey

lately i have been starting the entries on one day and finish the next. mostly because i loose track of thought , or i dont have much to say at the time. my life is not that exciting . i have to work today, so its almost time to get dressed and make my lunch for work. i am in alot of pain today so it will be a long shift. i try really hard to not pull on my joints too much, but its hard with the job i do.

i have been adding ground chia to my cereal every day. i think it has been helping but with gradual changes its hard to tell. i am not feeling any worse so thats a good thing.

i finished ironing all my scrub shirts this morning. it takes me a while to iron them all now. i can only do a few at a time before i feel sore. so i do what i can every day until they are done. will wash this weeks scrubs tomorrow and then there will be more to iron again.

the hard part right now is picking a colour of fabric for the beaks of the small birds. i dont want the first thing you see is the beak. so i keep trying. i still have not found the basket of beads yet, but i keep looking.

one of my clients asked me if i missed having a man around. sometimes i do. i miss someone at night when i go to bed. i have never slept well when i have been alone.

later

yesterday was a very long day. i am still feeling tired but have to get dressed and go out. i have 4 stops to make. i also need to think of something for dinner. i dont want to sit someplace and eat alone today. some days i dont mind but today not so much.

its valentines on monday. brent always made such a huge deal about it. spoiled me and made me feel so special. i miss that alot. when i have so many special memories of him and still cant believe he is gone.

i know i would get alot more sewing done on my quilt if i didnt have 3 cats climbing all over me when i am sitting in my chair. working on this quilt has really helped me move through the days. every block i pick has a reason for being in the quilt. i will write something to go along with the quilt when i am done and hopefully it will stay with the quilt when i am long gone. i always wonder about the history of some old quilts, but with nothing written down all you have is the beauty of it to admire.

i am spending a couple of hours today getting some quilt blocks ready for the week. i need to do this during the day to make sure the colours are right together. i am planning on 20 different blocks with 1 large central block with a house on it. the laying out of the blocks will be very exciting. i was thinking of asking the ladies at the retirement home for advice on placement. they have been watching me make this quilt for months now.

the little pots i ordered for laurens birthday are almost ready. she will get them after she comes back from montreal, about a month from now. i just hope she will like them. they are more expensive than i thought they would be , but i did order them, so will buy them.

did my shopping today, got the usual, cat food cat litter etc. even found some marked down greens for the rabbit. he ate all the big handful i gave him.

later...

i did some photocopying and got groceries. the photocopies are for the next quilt i am setting up. still a take along project. i have decided on yellow for the background. i figure i will need about 4 or 5 meters just for the blocks. this will be very different for me as the pattern pieces are so big and the over all blocks are 14 in plus seam allowence. so i think i need a bigger small box...lol...

why is it i want someone in my life but i dont want them living in my house, does that make any sense? i would like someone special as another valentines rolls around. brent spoiled me very much on valentines. his ability to surprise me knew no bounds. i miss that about him. i have very high expectations of anyone i let into my life now. i know what i want and dont want. i wont list my wants here other than someone who wants me as much as i want him.

the house feels too big some days. i feel like i have no purpose here other than to feed the cats , rabbit and birds. in the summer i cut the grass and in the winter i shovel snow.

some guy just came by, says he is brents friend. i told him brent was dead. he says he had not heard. i am thinking if you where his friend you would have come to see him long before now. i didnt let him come in , i barely opened the door. i really didnt think i should talk to him anymore. so i closed the door.

later on

its my day off now, i slept about 10 hours. not unusual for me after working 6 days. i feel pretty good and my eyes dont burn right now from being so tired.

todays goals are cages and cat box. later on grocery store and maybe photo copy. the photocopy is for a quilt pattern. the blocks are huge. 14 in. so i need 2 copies , one to make templates from and the other to trace the pattern onto the fabric. it will take awhile to find enough cereal boxes to make all the templates. no rush for that. i still need to find the right fabric for the blocks. the finished project shows red fabric. so i am not sure what i should pick. will keep looking as i will know when i see it. this will also be a great take along project as well. i can work on one block at a time . will be on the hunt for another metal box....lol

time for tea...

its day 3 of 6 and i can hardly keep my eyes open. i am checking the time and have to leave to go back to work in half an hour. it will be a very long day tomorrow.

i didnt get much done today other than some dishes. i made some more scones. they are hot pepper and cheese. i think they turned out really good, if you like spicey of course.

the cats are still on me like glue...no idea why . i have never had cats act this way before. i had one that hid behind the sofa all the time. he was very shy.

i was chatting with someone for awhile. lately he does not message to even say hi. if he is not making an effort , why should i? so i wont and let it die a quick death.

i am thinking of cutting my hair off. i know a strange thing for me. i have had long hair for years and years. my hair is getting so thin now its really bothering me. my hair has alot of natural curl and it will come out when my hair is shorter. maybe i will try it for the summer. even though long hair is easy to look after for me, i dont want my hair to look so sad because its so thin now.

as usual i come home to something knocked off something, and they left me a gift....half a mouse. well at least they are good at catching them.

i have been helping a lady at the retirement home who needs extra care, off the clock. i am not sure if i will get in trouble for it or not, but i know she needs it. she also needs someone just there with her. so i help her with some small things like making her a tea, or something to eat.

i never thought i would make an effort for this lady. we did not start off well at first. i guess time has a way of smoothing things over. she keeps asking for me to stay longer and have a tea. i will do that tomorrow.

so its saturday and i am working all weekend, still split shift and i will still be very tired by monday night. i have to pas last weekend my friend lauren and i went thrift hopping , i donated some things as well. i found some fun things as al and a set of sheets for the single bed just in case son needs to spend some time here again. i really liked having sommyeone in the house again. made me feel needed somewhat. i didnt feel so alone all the time knowing he was here. i miss having him here. it really gave me a reason to cook. it forced me to try and keep up with cleaning too.

lauren also took me to a crafters market. she suggested i try sell some of what i make there. so hence why i am making the hanging birds. i only planned on making a couple. one for me and one for her . it takes me a long time to make just one. its all hand done and embroidered as well. i am certainly not in it to make money. just to some of my work out there. just wish i could find the basket of beads.

later

it has been a very long day. i am ready for bed, i need a shower first. i brought lauren one of my xstitch books to borrow. she was looking for some lettering charts. i was glad i could help.

i made seafood chowder for dinner. it turned out pretty good. i might do it again. i made the wrong scones though...i thought i baked the spicey ones , it was the lemon ones. i ate them anyway. will make some spicey ones tomorrow.

i was able to get some sewing done today as well. its about all i had energy for. i am just so tired. so i will close here for now....

these last couple of weeks have been hell. my son discovered i needed a new furnance. 5000.00 later i have that. thank goodness for credit cards. then my modem died. so i was off line for almost 2 weeks. so i had to wait for a new one to arrive. so now i am sorted for that, then the pipes froze as the basement is cooler now , so i have to leave water running on really cold days. so much for saving money....sigh.

i am starting to feel better mentally this last week or two. i am forcing myself to try and keep up on things such as dishes and washing the floors, as the bunny free ranges. with my pain levels as they are right now, i do my best. i am also making an effort to use up what i have on hand. most of it being meat as brent was always looking at that and buying it. i just find it hard to eat. i dont like the taste or texture so cover it in sauce to try and hide what i dont like.

in the mean time i am still making headway on my mourning quilt. i have prepped a few more squares for the week, one being a black and red rose. i found some random fabric in a box i can use in the quilt as well. i was looking for the red basket of large beads for the hanging birds i am making to sell. so far no beads yet. i remember seeing the basket i just cant remember where.

i am still working on getting rid of things. donating things and tossing what is garbage. as much as it bothered my son to keep some boxes i had to explain that i cant get boxes at the grocery store anymore as they are broken down and recyled. so i keep a few of the good ones. i have actually been getting rid of some of the craft things i wont use. i thought it might be hard to do but doing it in small doses was ok.

at the beginning of the year i said to myself i would make a greater effort to write more. so far that has been a bit of a bust, but every day is a new day and i can try more every day.

i have also begun the process of signing things over to my oldest son when i die. his name is on my life insurance now. the next step is to put his name on the house bank account , so he can do what needs to be done in reguards to the bills etc. anything else will have to go through a lawyer now. why? because my youngest son has gone silent with everyone including his grandmother. he has taken money from so many people with no intention of ever paying back that he will get nothing more from me. i will leave something for the girls .

the december colon exam went fine and nothing of note was found. next exam in 3 years. i see the dr next in march. i have to get blood work done next week, i wrote it in my planner as a reminder.

one thing i have to do this week is bring up the bins to put away the xmas things. as much as i love looking at all the things, its time to put it away.

its getting harder to type right now...cats want my attention and are trying to lay on the laptop. so will close for now and will plan for a new entry tomorrow.....

i was not sure how my son and i would get along living together, but so far so good. he has been a big help around here doing the things i would have to pay someone to do. we did figure out that the wall in the pantry will have to be taken apart and figure out why there is no power to the light. today he is working on the seal around the front door.

i am working this weekend. my next day off is thursday. so its going to be a very long week.

brent has been gone a year now. i made it through all the firsts. it has been the hardest year of my life. i really didnt think i would get through it, but somehow i did. with work and a friend and my art i was able to make it through the year.

this week has been very hard working up to this day. thinking about how sick he was and then having to send him to the hospital knowing he would never come home. it was one of the hardest things i ever did. i could see the fear in his eyes when he left. he knew as well. there was nothing i could have said that would have made things easier. i was grateful for being there at the end for him.

i left the hospital that day knowing i would walk alone now. for how long i dont know. i walk to honour brent and i keep things going here for him.

last week i needed a new furnance. a big chunk of money to be sure but at least i had the credit card to pay for it. adam discovered the problems with the old one. he also checked over my car and got that sorted out for me. so i am good for now.

i also told adam that the house and its contents would be his when i die. being as i have not heard from my youngest son in months and no one else has either. he has taken money from who knows how many people and is now in the wind. so i guess he is gone now. as for my grandkids will have to contact a lawyer to be able to see them again.

i am still very busy at work. i have some fillins tomorrow and will be home later so will be too tired to do any shopping. will try on wed in guess.

adam is wanting me to get rid of the birds. i said i would try and set a few free in the summer. no idea how they will survive on their own. i found one bird has passed today of all days. they are getting older now and it should be no surprise now.

i am trying to finish a knitted beanie for a resident. cats are not helping much. so i dont get much chance to knit right now...

its time to sleep....