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Plans for next year have solidified. I wrote a little bit about it on Mastodon, but to sum up:

• the only real big focus of next year will be figuring out a way to document and record whatever it is I deem important about my days – trying to catch all the memories/events, ideas etc. No special journaling, no habit tracking (pressure) or to-do lists. (Obviously I can write to-do lists, that's just not part of the Main system and goal). I will not be documenting that process here, that's a bit too meta for me.
• this blog will probably become some sort of tarot place? It'll become 100x easier once we set up some sort of local file-sharing thing at home, because sending files between devices is a nightmare, and I'd want the tarot posts to feature images.

Running a tarot blog has proven challenging in the past for other reasons too, so that's another thing to maybe figure out. I don't really read all that much for myself, so I wouldn't be sharing personal readings, and I don't want to be beholden to a potential audience by committing to a schedule of readings “for the collective”. I don't consider myself erudite enough to post coherent educational posts (although I'm happy to answer questions and help out one-on-one). Usually if I find something interesting I put it in one of my tarot notebooks, they're much easier to use as reference than an online blog space. What does that leave me with? The kind of exercises and example readings I do for fun but don't really need to hold on to? I guess I'll just post whatever I feel like and not put extra limitations/parameters on what that is (again – freeing up brain space for the primary focus of the year).

Upcoming posts ideas:

• review/thoughts on the deck I'm currently studying
• what tarot decks I'm looking to work with next year, at least from the ones I already have/are in the mail
• a look at my year ahead cards – I haven't really done this before, but I'm curious to try. (So kind of sharing a personal reading, I guess?)

Ok, I am out of words, talk to you soon.

Time for some personal updates:

• I've been away from and/or quiet on social media – trying to weather the birdsite influx to mastodon and all that came with it (lots of muting, unfollowing, filtering etc). Still feels a bit overwhelming, might need to prune more. Also my phone crapped out and I didn't re-install instagram on the new one (can't be bothered with finding/resetting passwords). Basically only still stuck on youtube.
• RIP to the no/low-buy part of my depth year. It's time for getting gifts, setting up next year's planning etc. It's whatever at this point. Despite opening the door to buying, I'm not immediately digging into the things I've brought in. They're in their little corner waiting for when the brain needs new stimulation.
• Following the ban lift I – of course – did get and open a new tarot deck. I spent a lovely day yesterday learning tarot-relevant astrology basics (more than I ever managed towards my Thoth studies before). Invigorating!
• Speaking of planning – I want to keep playing with what I note down and how I do it. Turns out just “being present” more doesn't fix my memory shit. I've been really happy with the ideas harvesting I've been doing (one type of bullet I use), now I'm thinking it might help for memory-keeping/sense of time, if I make use of my “good thing” and “event” bullets to maybe make little weekly/monthly reviews of what's been happening? One place where I can see everything at a glance, and how it relates to each other?

Anyway, maybe I'll be back if I figure out what exactly I want to focus on next year/if there's a specific plan I want to follow etc. For now it's back to sending international packages, where the postage costs more than the contents. Mmm, holiday spirit.

So I haven't written in a long while, can't say if these summaries and thoughts are new or repeats. I'll write them down just in case.

I haven't written much in general over the last months because one of my “depth” breakthroughs was about relationships. I've stopped chasing after friends that are drifting away, and it seems that's where most of my writing happened. It's not like I'll turn them away if they re-appear, but I'm done trying to invest in friendships that disappear once people's lives become busier. A new relationship, work things, I get it, things get in the way. But if I'm only entertainment for when your life is empty, nuh-uh. It's not even fair-weather friends, because even the best personal news goes unaddressed. (By the way – this isn't a call-out for anyone who might be reading this, don't worry. The people I mean are years-long “friends” who don't keep up with any personal link I might have sent them for staying in touch).

So, that's good for me, I think. I'm more appreciative of the few contacts I do have. Plus it's not really like I could've kept up with All the people that I'd want to have in my life in the capacity I'm imagining. I'd be online all the time. And I was, in the not so distant past, at the beginning of the pandemic. So it's for the better in that sense, too – I'm successfully less online!

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Buying is... weird? The no-buy part of depth year was supposed to apply to tarot decks. I immediately changed the rule to “maybe a deck on birthday and christmas” and then again to “maybe one deck per quarter?” So that didn't exactly work. And I got decks as gifts as well, aside from those I got for myself. But I still learned a lot:

• I spent much more on those few decks than I usually would. When buying monthly I'd never pull the trigger on a big indie spend. The special quality of a Limited Purchase Opportunity justifies the bigger spend, but...
• Expensive decks can be just as disappointing as cheap/mass market decks.
• I've written already how it's about the using that makes tarot satisfying, not the getting, but!
• Sometimes you do need a new thing in your enclosure, and I think I've learned to recognize that impulse. Instead of jumping straight into “what new deck can I get?” I look at old decks I've packed away, I read a book, I try a new art supply.

I'm no longer looking at the month's “pocket money” as soon as it comes in and thinking, “Right, what can I spend this on?” I just use it for books and art when the time is right/the opportunity arises. I don't feel as deprived, with the free pass to spend on fiction and art, but also it's made me feel as if I'm not... really... doing anything special? Like, I forgot I'm on a depth/low-buy year and just kind of bought a game out of nowhere, for the novelty. It's one I've always known I'm probably gonna get but I didn't even put down special rules about this sort of spend because of how rarely I buy games. Which makes me think – maybe a year long project is just too long to keep focus? If I'd remembered the whole concept for the year it'd be instantly clear that the answer to “should I buy this” should have been “no.”

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Next year I'm thinking of doing a couple of shorter experiments, maybe 3 or 4-month long (so I don't forget I'm actually doing one), each with a different focus. I'm hoping what I've learned in terms of art habits and spirituality (I consider both significantly “deepened” or at least expanded! Success!) will remain, alongside a diminished tarot “fervor”, and I can for example go deeper with the nature around me, or learn to be more giving/generous, or alternatively/in a different season – really try to save some money, as this low-buy year really didn't work for that.

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Another thing I'm having a bit of a focus-issue with is journaling. I loved doing my tarot journal + list of random thoughts, ideas, good things, events on the other side of the page. But I've started the #DROPM78 mindful tarot challenge and it's messed it all up. I now do what little writing is required for that and can't be bothered with the regular journal, but I've really been relying on the idea-list for a lot of things. I don't want to spread out across many journals. I think I'll drop the challenge (at day 22) and go back to the previous format. I've been bookbinding little booklets for that previously, but maybe that's also a kind of obstacle/distraction? I could just do it in any old notebook, I harvest the ideas into a file at the end of the month anyway, it doesn't matter what the notebook is, that's probably as much looking back as I'm going to do with it anyway. It's more about the process of thinking things through on the page.

Kind of like here – sorry for the ramble! I could've just updated the blog as soon as each of these ideas crystalized. Had I remembered I'm doing and recording The Thing. Maybe shorter projects will be better for archiving as well? Time will tell. Logging off now.

Here's my little unfinished brainstorm trying to reinvent the mysteries of the rosary as something much more ecological, rather than theological. I had the idea for each set to include a whole spectrum of natural phenomena, from the very broad to the smallest human application. They don't go 1:1 with the Christian ones within their sets (although that granularity looks like it could be very useful sometimes, especially in the Sorrowful Mysteries). Rather, I take the theme of each set and start anew.

The Joyful Mysteries are very much about the power of creation, so here's my take: 1. The Mystery of the Big Bang – how did that even happen, how is it still happening, will it continue and fade out, or constrict back up? Every perceivable thing being an effect of this singular event. 2. The Mystery of Natural Laws – the interconnection of processes, how the particles of physics make up chemistry, which in turn makes up biology, which in time translates into neurology and consciousness etc. How all our atoms were forged in the hearts of stars. 3. The Mystery of the Earth Organism – how amazing that some planets can support life, how all that life is intertwined into one inseparable huge organism. 4. The Mystery of Our Ancestors – the evolution of humanity in particular, our ancestral species, our cousins. How from the earliest times we, too, were driven to create. 5. The Mystery of Culture – how the human drive of creation adds up into cultures. How cultures differ, how they're shaped and passed on – in language, art, religion. How it all shapes us even as we shape it.

The Sorrowful Mysteries are about destruction and dominion. The original ones do well with listing out the atrocities of humanity, I try to fit those into the last three, while allowing space for some natural destruction as well: 1. The Mystery of Impermanence – nothing is forever. Entropy progresses, death comes for all. Some things simply are destruction (black holes?) 2. The Mystery of Natural Disasters – Earth destroys as much as it creates. Natural disasters have always been a part of its history, even without humanity's contribution. Mass extinction events, floods, earth quakes happened for millions of years without our input and aren't things we can control (for the most part). 3. The Mystery of Evil – how every single human has the capacity for petty cruelties, a small spirit, the potential of violence under the “right” circumstances. How we can't just brand some people evil and be rid of them, how we must acknowledge “goodness” is relative, and also a choice not everyone has the luxury of making. 4. The Mystery of Patriarchy/White Supremacy – the Big One, how systems of power and oppression perpetrate mass violence through racism, colonialism, genocide, war, misogyny, ableism and other normalized atrocities baked into a status quo. 5. The Mystery of Capitalism – an extension of the 4th Mystery – how our culture progressed so far into capitalism that a literal handful of people is killing the whole world for greed and somehow that's allowed.

The Glorious Mysteries are about resurrection, and connection over domination. I'm having the most trouble with these. I can't structure them as neatly – from broad to narrow. And I'm not entirely sure what they could be, as culturally we haven't been there yet. Nature should be the blueprint, but I feel that has been covered in the Joyful Mysteries, which makes sense. Creation is re-creation, the cycle has two phases. I feel the Christian version speaks of hope, and finding inner strength to start again. Regaining your sense of power. So far my version goes something like this: 1. The Mystery of Decomposition – all death feeds new life. The wondrous work of the organisms that break down dead organic matter, repurposing it, returning nutrients to the soil, which in turn feeds the whole food chain. Similarly letting go of things that no longer work for us, makes space for things that do. 2. The Mystery of Hope – how even in the darkest times, humanity has shown hope and perseverance, finding even the smallest things to defy the fatalism and darkness. Individual acts of kindness, small individual actions, symbolic opposition (minimalism, going green etc) 3. The Mystery of Activism – from those people who care, arise groups and organizations that have a chance to, and often do, effect real change. Voting, community aid, no-police zones. Doing for their communities what the governing systems in place fail to or simply won't do – food not bombs, antifa. 4. The Mystery of Social Change – the broad pro-human rights changes happening over the centuries – decriminalizing the existence of whole groups, cultural shifts towards acceptance, inclusion, accessibility. Most things are still being dismantled and I can't imagine it will ever be over, this is a constant work in progress, with things like land back initiatives, ending the “war on drugs” and the prison industrial complex etc still in the works with a long way to go. 5. The Mystery of Global Triumphs – moments where humanity succeeded in cooperating as a whole, like eradicating certain illnesses, manufacturing vaccines, restoring lost species. The value of sharing, freely communicating knowledge. Our potential, individually and as a species, if we seek to connect and celebrate diverse perspectives and solutions.

That's it for now.

Things sure do keep on happening. Summary:

• had my birthday, got a really cool tarot deck and the previously mentioned bass guitar. It's good! Currently learning the Cure's Lullaby and the Cranberries' Zombie.
• there was a terrible heatwave which completely dampened any impulses to do anything whatsoever for a while.
• had another one of my tarot realizations – I don't seriously read with cute or modern decks, even though I like the aesthetics and playing around with them. This has considerably lowered any purchasing urges, at least of stuff from the Fancy Wishlist I have going. It does highlight how few decks I do read with and that there isn't a single RWS among them...
• started a crafting project of making Nice boxes for those decks that I do like to use more often.
• looking to maybe start a new color sketchbook next month? I think having Only the ink sketchbook is making me insecure and I draw less in effect. Having a backup of “look, you still know how to do this, you don't completely suck” might help?
• traveled to Poland, managed not to buy garbage both to bring there, and to bring back here. Still came back with a handful of cherished little gifts I received from friends and family, and grandma's rosary and Holy Virgin medal I was going to put on the ancestral shrine for her but ended up doing something else with.
• speaking of – I'm investigating the Way of the Rose and coming up with a reclamation of the rosary that would work with the fellowship's “ecology, not theology” motto, but that's a whole separate post (coming soon).
• did end up traveling around for transition reasons and am now after my first T shot – woo!

That about sums it up! Nice mix of minimizing, mindfulness, and going deeper with self, interests, and connections. I expect to post a brainstorm about an ecologically-themed sets of rosary mysteries some time soon. Take care, everyone.

Well, it’s been a while, again, but this time there is quite a bit to report. There have been many purchases and I’m feeling a mix of things about it all.

Very few purchases were from the “to avoid” category (magic books – disappointing), so that’s good. The mistake there was I got tempted into it because someone else was buying. But the point wasn’t not to spend “my” money, just not to introduce more shit of the same sort into my life until I’m done with the previous batch. So that was a bit of a fail.

A purchase toeing the line – I got a fountain pen. I planned for it. I was trying to use up all the mismatched fine-liners I had at home, and I did go through quite a few, but it turns out they’re shit to write with. And what that did was just make me not-write. But I need to journal. Not just a few sentences in the Stoic Journal in the morning and evening, but proper long-form entries, digging through my feelings. Nothing beats the smooth flow of a fountain pen, and all my previous ones were broken one way or another. Hopefully I’ve learned from those mistakes and won’t mess this one up as well. It’s not strictly an “art supply” but I’ve been making good use of it in my “ink only” sketchbook, bringing back memories of doodling in class. And I think it does bring me closer to the physical world, anchors me here with the smell of the ink, the weight of its casing, the ritual of refilling the cartridge from the bottle. It’s made my life better and I don’t regret it. And I have so many inks standing around waiting to be used, would probably last a lifetime.

I do regret falling for the same trap of “it’s not my money” and getting a fancy fat notebook to go with the pen. I was going to play a solo ttrpg in it and I started off quite enthusiastically but basically abandoned it a few days in. I hope to go back to it for the fun creative writing exercise that it is, but the weather has been stifling and not much creativity has been happening overall, so I’m not too bummed out about it yet.

The biggest purchase is something that I couldn’t have even predicted when I was planning this Depth Year adventure. I got a bass guitar. The only thing that’s making me a bit squirmy about it is that it was very close to a Mistake. A brush with a big Failure. It happened right after a big emotional upset and could potentially have been a pick-me-up sort of thing. It wasn’t, not directly, but it could have been, if I hadn’t been more careful. And that’s a bit of a jump, cost-wise, from a tarot-sized pick-me-up to a whole-ass instrument. It’s not exactly that I had a moment of “need to purchase”. It was more like – I was really crushed and tried to think of things that would make me feel better, and since my partner had a new guitar and was spending a lot of time on music, I thought it would probably feel great to be able to spend more time with them while also supporting their passion and maybe learning something for myself. So I suggested I could learn the bass-lines to the songs they play. It wasn’t a bought-it-as-soon-as-I-thought-about-it purchase, at least not by choice – partner got very excited and we went the next day. Generally I’m having a lot of fun, and it’s definitely contributing to the here-and-now grounding, and art, and self-expression, so I kind of got lucky that it turned out to be what I hoped. But it very easily could have been something else.

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I looked to the card reading for Q3 I posted previously, and the 5 of Spades and 2 of Hearts are still relevant. I did find out about a medical condition and have unexpectedly spent money on both the doctor’s visit and costly supplements to slow down/reverse the problem. But I think most of the “doctoring” pertains to my decision to medically transition. Tickets to another city, doctor’s visits – there are the basic, expected costs, and then there are the costs of “being on an adventure”. They’re very much allowed in my understanding, as long as we’re paying for experiences and not pointless Stuff. The 2 of Hearts is a more literal connection – I’ll be traveling back to my home country to see family. They’re doing really well with Covid there and there’s not going to be a better time. So of course, expenses. Tickets, souvenirs for Gran etc. But again – as long as it’s making memories, it’s fine by me.

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That said, I wouldn’t mind if I managed to Not Buy anything for a while. Maybe even ‘til the end of the year. Well, that won’t happen, the last part of a trilogy I’m reading is coming out in October so there will be that for sure. But I’d like to be more Vigilant about it all. I don’t know, I think I got used to not-buying certain things that I completely let my guard down, and other stuff started slipping in. So here I am, renewing that commitment.

There have been successes, of course. I patched up my fave pair of pants, twice, instead of getting new ones. The garden is yielding fruit. I’ve even done a little bit of magic (well, ongoing) for more/better/new engagement with my passions. If only the weather would let us all live. It’s easy to be passive and lenient in the heat. Maybe that’s a lesson to figure out – how to withstand the Terrible Sensations and Low Energy of Summer without giving into watching tv endlessly and/or finding stimulation in easy purchases?

I haven't been here for a while, not many new developments.

• Sometimes I forget to journal in the morning, but I make it up during the day/all in the evening in one go, I wonder what that's about.
• I have received an unplanned but very appreciated tarot deck from my partner for our wedding anniversary. Not sure what that does to my one-per-quarter rule, I guess that was for my own purchases/planned stuff? I had the Playful Heart Tarot as my Q1 deck and the Erotic Tarot as my Q2. I have requested Tarot of the Drowning World as my Q3 birthday deck, and it's waiting in a closet somewhere. I have planned for the last one to be either the Lost Hollow Tarot or the Claude Rochias marseille, to be honest it doesn't matter which one – it's close enough to the next year that I can always reconsider the other option once this low-buy depth year is over.
• My art frenzy has subsided. Creatively, I've had a super productive April, and I managed to ride on that high through May as well. But June has been a drag, and I so wanted to finish this sketchbook up in Spring. I have maybe 5 empty spreads left and they've been empty for two weeks now. Maybe it's time to stop pushing creativity and go do something else.
• Spiritual practice kind of in shambles. A little bit. I want to go back to proper tarot journaling to get my head on straight, but there's a desire there for a New Pretty Notebook and a New Pretty Pen – I have so much ink, but all my pens have busted nibs and it's all going unused. I don't know what's more important – improvising a creative solution in line with the low-buy principles (binding something from scraps, getting all crafty, using up non-fountain pens that I have) or allowing myself the type of experience I'd actually like. Why is consumption so tangled up in everything else? And why does my autistic ass (affectionate) refuse to enjoy other writing utensils? Maybe there's a middle ground (buy pen to gain access to all the inks, make book?)

In one bigger piece of news related to the being-here-ness of depth year, and to experiencing the here-and-now through bodies, I've harnessed the power of the Internet to help me navigate my new country's of residence medical system and finally a result has manifested – I have my informed consent visit for accessing transgender care next week. Hopefully the next steps will be a bit more swift – it took 6 weeks to set this up.

And that's what's up. Stay safe in the heat, everyone.

I've been experimenting and I think I arrived at a very satisfying general spread, which at the same time makes it easy to kind of “step out of” those rigid meanings into a more intuitive, free-flowing, visual reading. A spread to do it all! So far the querent responses have been positive, so that's an endorsement from both sides of the reading table.

It's a deconstructed version of the Celtic Cross, so follows the same restrictions (?) – not really great for yes/no questions, or asking about other people. Pretty good for understanding the complexities of a certain situation, gaining clarity, insight into one's self. Perhaps also generating more particular questions to answer later.

It's mainly two lines of five cards, with a few extra at the top if you'd like. Makes it easy to see the make up of the suits, numbers, interesting repetitions and patterns – like one row being all majors, the other a mix of minors, or certain elements visually hemming in others. You can do the free-form layer of the reading before, after, or during and in between interpreting the positions, however you like to work – I kind of go back and forth.

Here's how it goes:

Generally the bottom line is the outside world – events, things beyond your control, and the top line is the inner world – what's happening in your psyche, how you move through the world. The main central structure of the original cross is reflected in cards 1 through 7. I see them as such:

• cards 1, 2, 3 are “where” you are – the past, present, and future events surrounding the issue at hand – what actually happened, where does it look like it's going etc.
• cards 4, 5, 6 are “who” you are – what has shaped you and your conceptions around this subject in the past (upbringing, important events), what you aspire to be in the future (who you want to be, what values drive you), and the you now, in between those two states, a sum, a blend of the two external cards
• card 7 – optional, is the “what crosses you” card, which here I take as the sum of the two “present” cards – “who you are now” interacting with the “where you are now”; it sets the tone of the reading (but you can also just feel out the two present cards for that – is there tension, do they play nice together etc.)

The two vertical pairs on the outside of this main spread – 8 and 9 on one side, 10 and 11 on the other – are the “staff” of the Celtic Cross spread:

• 8 – how you are affecting the situation at hand, your contribution, what's in your power
• 9 – other factors affecting the situation, other people, things outside your control
• 10 – your hopes and fears about the future of the issue
• 11 – actual outcome of the situation

There are effectively four future cards (3, 6, 10, 11) to look at and explore the interactions of.

If the story of the main spread doesn't include any guidance for a clear way forward, you can add two more cards flanking card 7, our summary of the problem:

• 12 – what not to do, what to move away from and leave behind, what's not helping, your weakness
• 13 – what to do, what can help, your strengths and assets

I try to make those as practical and actionable as possible.

If you want, you can lay out the “staff” cards farther away, to have a clearer view of what's where, but I like laying it all close enough to form clean lines of five cards. While I dart in and out of this more flexible reading during analyzing the spread, I will consciously try to look at the cards as if they were spreadless at the very end – what would I say about the situation if I were only presented with these main ten cards out of context? There's always a little something extra that pops out.

And there you have it! Hope you try it out next time you need a Big One and that it proves as helpful to you as it has to me.

Things are very slow when you're not “should-ing” and just being open to the here and now, to the natural progression of events. On one hand I'm really enjoying the slowness. I'm not sure it's slowness exactly, time just stretches out into more? So, I like that. Things happen in roughly the same amount, but they feel like more – more present, more saturated. On the other hand I'm still doubtful sometimes – like trying to write this update. What am I to report? Things are.

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I notice “appreciating things” isn't something to be forced or developed in yourself, it's a matter of noticing, and in that noticing things become apparent. Some things reveal their good qualities and a good feeling arises. Most things reveal their lack of quality, and that's fine. Don't need to appreciate them beyond that lesson. Wish I knew what to do with them. Need to wait them out, I suppose, not a fan of just tossing something when there's still some use to it, even if it could be better and I'd choose differently now.

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I realized the needful “more” feeling I had/have about tarot comes from many different sources. Sometimes the feeling is more of a “purchase” feeling, and tarot is an easy purchase to make. Sometimes there's nostalgia – I might still, maybe next year, hunt down all the decks that were my firsts, which I no longer have and are out of print. But a lot of the time the “more” was about not getting to interact with the cards as much, as often, as deeply as I'd like. I've remedied that on reddit, of all places. Often people are looking for help interpreting something, for a free reading, an exchange. I can dip in and out of the threads at my convenience, without the mental burden of doing this for work, connect and help some folks out, imbue the meanings of my cards with their stories. It's good.

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I've been working quite consistently in my sketchbook, it feels like a sort of diary without actually being a visual journal of events. The themes, sketches, characters all carry memories of this time. If I'm not reading an interesting book, this will be my predominant leisure activity. I never had a sketchbook perform this particular function, it's nice. I do miss making bigger illustrations. Did one for mermay but an external prompt isn't the same as something coming from the inside. I've only had that creative frenzy in two fandoms, and recently I've been thinking about why. I need to deeply identify with one of the protagonists, and the story needs to help me process something about myself, past or present. It's strange that only two bits of media have managed that in my adult life, or ever – Hannibal (the tv show), and The Raven Cycle (a book series by Maggie Stiefvater). Or I guess I could be grateful that they were there at all! Not one, but two! Still, hopeful of encountering something just as inspiring, even if it doesn't meet the suspected criteria above. That type of creative urge – needing to let it out, feeling like you might burst with it – really propels my artistic growth. Maybe one day I can make original characters I care about (how does one do that?) and then I could always have the urge to create? Not sure that's how that works.

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End of transmission. Looking forward to the newness of June. Excited to be almost at the halfway mark of this project.

I feel I've been doing really well in working at embodiment the last few months. I'm enjoying my time offline, even if sometimes I get lost inside a book instead of a youtube rabbit-hole – still a bit escapist but at least there's a story feeding my imagination. I've started enjoying “chores”, appreciating them as opportunities to do something different with my body, more ways to interact with the physical world.

I did notice I'm starting to lack in spirituality. Everything's so material and here and now, I've misplaced my magic filter, so to speak. Some seasons are more conducive to it than others, Autumn and Winter are my favorite, that's when the Dark Mother calls me the strongest, and I have many practices built around Her, so that feels “properly” religious. But I was wondering whether my spiritual practices and beliefs are just too fragmented to provide this... long term satisfaction I'm longing for. Or they can't be retrofitted into the physical if they don't arise from it in the first place? I'm not sure, I haven't examined it thoroughly yet. Sometimes my focus is on the Dark Mother, other times it's just the nebulous fire of life and magic, just that raw power. Other times it's the great consciousness of the universe. Other times again it's strictly ancestral spirits. (Now that I'm reading this back it all sounds very elemental...) I know enough to not force one thing over another, I need all these as that's just how I feel. I do wonder if I could be better at engaging with any one of those branches more consistently. Or unify them somehow under a bigger umbrella of spiritual practice.

Did a tarot reading to examine this subject in general and it seems to be calling me out for caring about appearances. Like someone's going to judge my nonsense practice, therefore of course I have to post about it publicly to show it who's boss. But maybe there's something to it – maybe I'm judging it as wrong somehow, and that's what's blocking me from fully engaging? I like the elements idea, maybe I could check in each morning as I unveil the altar/shrines – go through each of the elements/branches to see if any of them feel more powerful/needful that day? See if I could bring them along into my focus on the physical. That could be the mission for the rest of May, if I manage to remember.

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Speaking of tarot readings I yet again got so super frustrated with all the non-substantial decks, I actually reached for my old, simple, plaid-back yellow-box RWS yesterday and it felt very nostalgic and nice, laying it out in the bedroom, under the fairy lights. I don't know, I feel decks nowadays don't really do symbolism well. Even when the concept is there, the execution is often very poor. Like in Ian Daniels' Vampyre deck – the book goes into all the detail of like... how many petals are on a flower, and what a dress means, there are so many “symbols” in each card, but none of them made visually apparent or distinctive. It all blends into one beautiful painting where everything is of the same (non-)importance. As troubling as the RWS is, at least the images are clear. And no, it wasn't my first deck, I resisted getting it for a long time, thinking of the unappealing art. But then I thought I should probably at least give it a try, see why it's become such a classic and I don't regret it. Yes, I put it away after a while, in search of something more exciting, but the more excitement I experience with new decks, the more I appreciate the not-so-flashy, sensible, reliable tool that is the RWS. Same for Thoth-based decks (just go with the Thoth), same for pips (can't go wrong with a classic TdM). This has, of course, been a grouchy rant, and I'll be back to New Deck Excitement next quarter haha!

Alright, the laptop's heating up quite dangerously and so I must go. Hope to remember about my spiritual plans tomorrow morning. Take care, all!