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Ok, as previously mentioned – I thought I'd do some tarot tags and/or challenges from around youtube and instagram as a way to engage more/deeper with one of my biggest interests, even if I'm missing out on the community building aspects. Can't imagine myself actually running a youtube channel tho.

I thought I'd start with the tag that inspired me to actually do this, instead of the guns-a-blazing no-punches-pulled one that was really tempting me. So here we go with the #TarotNerdTarotGeek. This tag was made by Mags Black over on youtube. By the way, her Tree Whispers Oracle is making me want to try and dip my toes in the oracle world again. Alas, I feel that was never really meant to be... Here we go:

1. Which tarot deck for you offers endless interest or study opportunities and why?

As a system I'm always drawn to Marseille and other early decks, from before all the occult crap (affectionate) got loaded on top of it all. There are so many ways to read – purely visually, your numerology of choice, pips-as-majors, langue d'oiseaux, basic common sense (ten swords sound like a Very Bad situation, two hearts sound like trust and connection) etc. I love the balance between pips and figure cards, there's more room to just... look and see what might be happening between them, as opposed to deciphering each fully illustrated scene in, say, a RWS-themed deck.

As for individual decks I'm really drawn to the Voyager and the Margarete Petersen. The former just has so much detail and work put into it, there's a chonky workbook I haven't looked at, it's vaguely Thoth inspired but doing its own thing, I'm really curious about it, but haven't really given it much attention yet (see question 2). With the latter – there seems to be a lot of “internal” things to learn, rather than external things to study. This is an artist who took creating a deck to a deep, personal, mystical level and that's something I really respect.

2. Which tarot decks hit/or miss your 'Card Stock' spot and why?

In terms of card stock I think for me it's more a matter of the coating. I do get a little disappointed at a very flimsy deck (so far only the Ian Daniels Tarot of Vampyres and the game deck Tarot of Loka), but I don't care how thick a deck goes, it can go as fat as it wants – I don't need to riffle shuffle. The types of lamination though, those get me. I can't stand the too-glossy, sticking-together feel of some decks – like the Voyager. I'd have gotten rid of it, if not for the unexplored depths it hints at. Don't get me started on “rose petal finish” (aka rubber). I've actually been really enjoying the papery feel (and sound!) of both the Tattooed Tarot (Ink and Intuition) and the Erotic Tarot. It's a very matte finish, they don't have gilding and feel very natural in the hand. The Tattooed Tarot card stock is heavier, but both are thick and stiff enough for me, no preference there. Two flops and two faves!

3. Does size matter? Favorite shapes and sizes of decks, smallest decks, largest decks.

As long as the cards are legible and fit on a reading surface they're good enough for me. Some cards are definitely too small for the art that's on them, it's clear the artist hadn't meant for them to be viewed at that size (either a mistake on the side of the artist or the publisher). Some cards are too big to read with. My biggest deck is the Alchemical Visions Tarot, I have it packed away but I think it's something like 14x18cm. Absolute monster the size of a human head, the cards are more suited for altar pieces, pathworking, spell work etc. Mostly I got it for the very jungian guidebook, which I still haven't read – of course. The smallest “natural” deck I have is the Jean Noblet TdM from Flornoy (also packed away), which I think is comparable in size to the decks I trimmed. I have a cropped Tarot of the Magical Forest, Fantasy Universal tarot (the one that still came with multilingual borders), the Nicoletta Ceccoli, the John Bauer tarot, and a Thoth that was originally a “medium” size. That's the only one I have out and about now, so that's the one I'll measure – 5.5x9cm, smaller than a playing card.

4. Is there a favorite tarot artist/author/creator/publisher that you enjoy the most or collect and why?

I don't really do that? I mean, I live in Europe, so I have most access to LoScarabeo and Fournier decks, they've always been around, so just by default those were the ones I used to have the most of before online shopping made it more convenient to bring stuff over from the UK or US. I do find myself very drawn to Fournier's art decks, they're very hard to resist. I don't have the most recent one and I'm trying to be ok with it haha! I'm aided by the fact that I never actually use them. They seem to be based on some completely different system I don't know of – is there a different/local tarot tradition in Spain maybe? Very often they're decorated pip decks, but the meanings the decorations hint at are all over the place. Also they're often very busy, just the artist having fun with it. I like them as just... art objects to look at. But that's never the intention when buying one. I actually want to be able to read with all my decks.

5. Any favorite art styles or themes?

This might be weird because I do have a style/theme I have a very hard time resisting and end up having a lot of, but it's not something I like to read with? Not sure if the decks that do actually speak to me have any cohesive theme/unifying thread running through them. But – I'm a sucker for goth, goth-y, gothic decks. Whether it's various vampire decks, Bohemian Gothic, Anne Stokes. I don't know, I think I just admire how goth folks go All In on their aesthetic. Like, they are Committed. I also always had a fascination with nuns – how someone can be so wholly about one thing. I admire and envy that sort of single minded focus. Also these decks might just be Very Cancerian – both dark and soft/romantic at the same time? It's a mystery.

6. In what ways are you a tarot nerd or geek with tarot cards? (Bumper sticker, branded clothing, jewelry, tattoos, deck collections, artwork etc)

This one's easy – I don't think I have any external, physical marker of this geekdom other than whatever my current “collection” consists of. I have around 40ish decks, and all were bought with the intent to use them, not to just have them. Over the years I've given away many titles, enabled other people, kept making room for new decks – always searching for something more Me. I've read professionally for a little while as a side gig? I have a few books, but none I could actually recommend (other than Robert M. Place's “The Tarot: History, Symbolism, and Divination”), I always just preferred handling the cards and getting my info from a broad range of online sources, like on tarot forums – individual voices of practicing readers, over theorists and occultists. I just love learning about the cards, whether it's new-to-me systems (someone should do a proper exploration of the Picard system) or new takes on old faves. I often check out “beginner” materials, to see new approaches and get a feel for how tarot is perceived out there today. And simply enjoying the wealth of info online which just didn't exist when I was starting out – it was ten years between me first getting into tarot and hearing someone do an example reading on a podcast that actually made everything click into place. Now there are millions of youtube videos where you can see readers in action, hopefully saving a lot of people a lot of early frustration.

And that's it! Mostly I'm a tarot geek simply because I love it so much. I love its simplicity and complexity. I love that it can be a mundane brain exercise and a tool for mysticism, mediumship, and other more “woo” stuff. I love how people of all walks of life find their way to tarot and see value in it for themselves. And I just love the art and tactile qualities of a good deck. Sometimes all I want to do is watch something and shuffle the cards, a very soothing stim.

Well, the first week of May has been a bit different? Doing ok with not-getting-things, not doing too well with going-deeper. Or at least that's the perception I have. A week or two ago something/a collection of things flung me back into an emotional flashback and I've been slowly getting out of it. Seems fine now, I'm not in distress, but I'm tired from it all and still a bit disconnected from really anything around me. So I took things a bit easier, slept more, binged some shows, watched some movies.

I didn't try to keep up with a daily sketchbook practice, going for something new instead to shake me out of this stagnation – making a big piece to learn inking with a dip pen. I did keep up with the Daily Stoic Journal, even though the prompts are really not speaking to me right now. Lots of talk of pursuing excellence, the sort of stuff that – while I understand is part of the stoic ethic – undermines self confidence in a very modern self-help-y way (if you're actually ok with yourself you're not going to buy into all the self-help industry has to offer). So things have been a bit of a struggle overall. But I'm optimistically chugging along.

I had a vague idea to do some tarot tags from youtube and instagram on here. Just to engage with my hobby in new ways, even if it's not serving to build community. Might be interesting to document some thoughts and be able to come back to them way down the line, see how they change, if at all. I like that, I feel that giving myself a whole new type of activity (writing out lengthy tag responses) will help with behaviors I want to avoid (so much tv...) It's a plan.

Damn, the year is flying. I think the only new thing to report is – I've already bought a new tarot deck, checking off the only purchase of this sort I've allowed myself for this quarter. Not sure how I feel about it. It had been on my online sort-of wish-list of cheap decks (not the ultimate wish-list of “if I save during the year I could get one of these indie decks”) but then when I saw it at the store, physically, it was so easy to convince myself it's better to get it now than order it later, it'll be less of a waste without all the extra transport and packaging etc. So, lesson there: do Not go into physical stores that might carry the temptation. Somehow it's much easier to stop myself when it's online. Things just hang out on wish-lists or even in baskets and that's fine, that's almost like having gotten them. But the thing being physically present, right there, but not Mine is a bit too overwhelming it seems.

It definitely didn't help that I'm sort of in-between things. I'm not into a piece of media, I've just finished re-reading a favorite book, I don't have a project going on. I've been trying to “shop my shelves” for tarot inspiration but it wasn't doing much for me. That could be because I'm in my “off time” – I do flow in and out of it over the months and years, and I don't think it's a matter of That Perfect Deck that would keep me anchored in and excited about this interest. But it's another lesson – potentially regrettable purchases happen when I'm adrift. I do have to say it's not as harrowing as it used to be, this lack of focus. The purchase was more of a “why not?” than a “thank GOD, something new!”

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In other news, I'm very satisfied with my sketchbook progress. Maybe I haven't drawn exactly every single day, but I did fill more spreads than there are days in April so actually I'm a little impressed with myself. It's helping to think of it as a diary, not as a product to complete, or to show off. Maybe I will – at the end? But having most of my making be Not for others' consumption feels pretty good.

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Still writing daily in the stoic journal, not really pulling cards along with the entries anymore, but hey. This consistency is still astounding for me. Although – as I mentioned on mastodon – this twice-a-day journaling kind of takes up my mental “slot” for “writing”, and I've been feeling a need to explore my thoughts a bit more broadly than the little prompted sections in the book allow for. Maybe that will be the focus for May? Make/allow time for “proper” journaling. Maybe I'll figure out some useful things about being adrift? Let's find out.

I thought this reading I was doing was a good opportunity for a catch up. I asked whether I'll make it to the end of the year with this no-/low-buy depth project, and while the cards don't speak of calamity and complete breakdown, they illustrate a series of ups and downs throughout the months.

I got the feeling to pull two rows of four cards and it seems they're illustrating the year's quarters.

• Column one, covering January through March – the struggle is real, feeling like I'm in a mental prison, stuck, no clear direction. By the end of it I do find an inner direction, and learn important emotional lessons, especially about my relationship with myself.
• Column two, covering April through June – this Valet looks like he's spending, but the 2 of Clubs gives me a “working” feeling – he's spending to support his work and keep the gears turning. So far this is true – I have purchased some art supplies already this month. They're on the “approved purchases” list, so aren't causing me any inner turmoil. In fact, I've been very productive creatively for that cost of a new sketchbook and a few pencil colors. I'd say that's a big win. I'm hoping to follow this sort of energy throughout Spring – allowing for purchases that help me go Deeper. (Already eyeing a cartomancy book).
• Column three – July through September. This one looks a tiny bit dire. I wonder if my health issues will return/get worse/flare up around that time. Summer is my least favorite season when it comes to physical sensations, and I see myself “searching for joy”. This could be a temptation-filled period, but I can prepare myself. There's a book series I wanted (again from the “allowed” list) that's a big splurge all in one go, so I haven't pulled the trigger yet. I'll keep it in my back pocket for this harder time.
• Column four – October through December. The difficulties look minor, low temptation, last stretch. I think because Autumn is my favorite time, I'll be rejuvenated with all the feelings that come along then. I'm usually very inspired thereabouts, and I can see how there might not be a big enough emotional hole to feel the need to stuff it full of objects.

To tie it all off in a bow I pulled a general theme card from my handmade found art oracle and got two people tenderly embracing while standing in the sea. I think it's telling me to follow the flow and tone set by the first quarter, where I learned to be more emotionally nurturing towards myself. A year-long challenge of this sort will surely provide plenty opportunities to practice self-compassion and learn even more about my inner workings.

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Aside from that little column two summary – very active in my sketchbook in the last two weeks – I don't have that much to report. I barely ever open tumblr anymore. I watch art videos, studio vlogs, sketchbook tours etc as a backdrop for my own activities. There's some gardening.

I've had a tiny bit of a health thing that kind of dampened my youthful, Spring momentum, and I haven't been spending as much time with the Playful Heart tarot as I'd hoped. Especially since the creativity moved from the deck's study journal into a sketchbook, but maybe I can alternate them a bit. I'm sure I'll return to the inner child fun when I'm back on my feet, traipsing through the forest and such.

Hope everyone is having a good start to the Spring months. Keep going with your goals and resolutions!

This post feels a little late, but I've been having too much fun last week to write one on the weekend. The vibes have been very springy, partner and I continued our balcony gardening adventure, getting more sun, going out with a picnic blanket. I've been reading my new fiction book and just feeling very well overall. And – as I wrote on masto – I did end up opening that one tarot deck I bought early for my birthday in the summer. But this time it wasn't a desperate feeling of deprivation, or needing a mood boost, or a reward. I was having a great time and thought: this deck looks like it would match these light spring vibes very well, would I feel ok with opening it? And upon reflection – I would, and I did – both open it, and feel ok about it. It's the Playful Heart tarot and it got me farther into my creativity, experiments, doing things with my hands. I made a new journal for it and almost every day I craft and draw in it – alongside entries with tarot readings, spreads to try, and of course card meaning exploration. I still think going from multiple new decks a month to one per quarter is a good result.

Speaking of breaking? bending? massaging? the rules, I had a tiny bit of a snafu with clothes shopping. I haven't made any rules about that because I have a minimal wardrobe and don't really shop for clothes casually ever. I go usually once-twice a year when the weather turns, or when I completely run out of something. I was on my last pair of hole-less pants, so I went on a tour of all the downtown shops. Didn't find the sort of pants I'd like, and found myself instead buying a ton of tshirts. I didn't need any. Even if I agree that only wearing my three faves on rotation is a bit too sparse and I could use a few new ones – I definitely didn't need That Many, and not in one go. So on one hand – wow, I wish I'd made a rule/guideline about this. Even if not a big general one, then one for this specific outing. On the other hand – I have such a hard time finding stuff that fits ok, maybe it's ok. Maybe it'll even give me a confidence boost? I don't feel too bad, but there is a Lesson here for the future: going out for Any Purchase (outside basic groceries) requires reviewing/sketching out some Guidelines.

Going back to the creative mood, I've been trying all sorts of traditional and digital media, watching just a ton of videos from artists' studios, sketchbook tours etc (usually in the background when I myself am creating, so I don't count that as lost social media time). Feeling inspired and “on”. I realize I need to intentionally make time for art, it's a form of self-care, processing and expressing emotions, a bit of a meditation, a time just for me. I've also reinstated “normal” daily meditation. Doing only 15mins now, not sure if I want to grow it out to a longer chunk, or to do a second session later in the day as a sort of reset. I'll see. Still strong with the Daily Stoic journal! But I stopped pulling tarot cards with the entries, seeing as I do so much tarot elsewhere already.

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Alright, I don't think there needs to be a separate summary part, actually. This month has all been about art art art. My partner's also been getting busy with their music and painting, so it's been a very inspiring atmosphere, we seem to play off each other well. I can only hope April is just as exciting.

This week was about resting from all the Everything of last week, it seems I was into so many things? And, somehow, this empty resting got me really squirrely for a purchase. I was sorely tempted to get a new deck (just one per quarter! instead of 2-3 per month! That's still good, right?) or to open the indie one I managed to buy locally and put away for my birthday. But in the end I decided it's just a lack of stimulation, and the partner and I went for an adventure downtown, for the first time in like half a year or so. So there were new flavors, new sights, lots of people to look at. I did get a fancy book of ghost stories (as per the rules – fiction is allowed and I'd already re-read a book to clear out the disappointed aftertaste another book has left), and some watercolor paper to try more art on, more of the supplies I already have but couldn't really use properly. Partner bought an art book so that's another source of inspo. I'm not purchase-squirelly anymore and am enjoying myself experimenting with more mixed media stuff.

I know at least some of the buying urge is the need for enrichment in my covid enclosure. Can't really go do things, or meet people, seems like the only answer is to bring things in. But the weather is changing, soon it will be alright to go out, even if not downtown. Just to do different things. Picnic in the park, throw a frisbee around or something. I remember I tried to do a no-buy year maybe last year or 2020 – but the realities of the pandemic soon got me to rebel – “the world is bleak and I need treats”. And I gave up, thinking surely there will be a better time. But as we know there's no point trying to wait until things go “back to normal”. This is normal now. And guess what, things still keep happening. Now there's both a pandemic and a war. A better time might never come, so I'm doing my best to stick to the depth year plan I've outlined for myself.

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That one-deck-per-quarter did give me an idea, though. I already bought one deck for my birthday in the summer, because it was very conveniently available. If I buy one this spring, then I'll have two to open for my birthday. Then buy one in autumn and one in winter, and I'll have two to open at Christmas. Seems right. I've had quite a few revelations about my current deck collection over the first three months of the year. Dived into deeper study with some, made more casual friends with others. Three more months before introducing something new seems a right amount to see if any other understanding unfolds. And then there will be another six months with only two more. This deck limit really helped me narrow down what I want. (The deck I'll secure in spring is the one I'd be most sad about going out of print if I waited to buy it later/next year/closer to a proper occasion).

I have one surplus deck on my wish-list and it's a mass market. I don't know how much I want it for itself, vs because of the fact it looks like it'd match my current fave really well. Either way it's cheap and easily accessible, if I don't get it – it'll still be there later. If I slip up or can't help myself – I have it pre-selected and hopefully won't go on a rampage. If my current fave falls out of favor, I might not even want this “companion” deck at all. So I don't see much of a problem here.

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Current plan: keep going with art experiments. (I'm trying to alternate one original vs. one study, to not get completely discouraged.) And try to be open to other things – Lynda Barry writing exercises? Gardening? Sitting down to catch up with friends/reply to messages? Whatever wants to come.

This has been a week of intense art experiments. Mixed media, markers, pencil sketches, comics. I've enjoyed playing around with what I have and finding out what I could do with it. I still have a ton of ideas and excitement but it's tipped over into overload. So many things to do with Lynda Barry's book. So many things to do with tarot storytelling. So many supplies to still try (or try again, or practice more). Spring has me fired up, but it's too much in one go, need to slow down, get back to the present, and just Do The Next Thing.

Because of the above, “the next thing” has mostly been cleaning up, putting stuff away. Clearing the desk to make it open and inviting. Changing the couch covers for something lighter, giving the room more air, more space. I like a surface that's ready to use, something I enjoy about hotels. They're just empty and functional. Not for storing a ton of stuff, not for just “spending” time in. For using for your needs. My only problem with how things get cleared away in my current set up is they need to go in boxes under my desk. Still close at hand and yet a bit too difficult to immediately access. I'm thinking about this sort of wheeled caddie thing? Still not sure where it would go to actually be at hand. Just thinking.

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There have been two personal purchases – a set of water soluble wax crayons (great for the mixed media work I've been doing – textured and chaotic. Not yet sure how I'd use them in a more controlled/deliberate way) and the Lynda Barry book. Treating both of them as “art supplies”, or generally things that push me more towards art – the thing I most enjoy doing recently. All's fine on the spending side. Although I am again confronted with the fact that many people, even affluent people, don't shop recreationally. They save that $60 art book purchase for Christmas. Makes me think about patience and delayed gratification, or where they find the strength to do that, or where else they find satisfaction. I'm still in the silent tantrum stage of not-getting-a-treat every month. And training to accept things as they are.

Oh crap, I forgot – I did buy the itch.io game bundle for Ukraine. I don't regret the money at all, but I am a bit disheartened at the distraction it provided. Even just browsing through the 34 pages of items has been such a time drain (I'm not finished yet). Need to think how I'm going to engage with all that stuff. I could have not looked at it at all, I suppose. Now I've downloaded everything that looked interesting to me so I guess it's just going to sit on my computer? Unless I use it as creative inspo.

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All this busy art-ing had me completely halt the tarot study. I've been posting a backlog of readings I did in one or two sittings, I haven't engaged with my books or journals. Only played around with the storytelling. Which while still tarot, doesn't exactly dig deep. Oh well. Can't go deep with all the things simultaneously, I'm already doing a huge internal overhaul, so I'm not too torn up about it.

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I have been very successful at not checking/scrolling through tumblr. Less successful at staying off the laptop. There was a lot of organizing to do this past week, required mailing and quick message exchanges. And then with all the overwhelm I did treat youtube as a bit of a retreat. Though I did mostly watch art things, so quite a good result overall.

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No special new plan of action – just staying open and curious about each next thing, and finding peace, acceptance and joy in what is.

I realized being online really messes with time perception. I knew I wanted to be more present, and that here-and-now are the same, but usually I focused on/felt the Here more. To be in the space, in the body. But the sense of time itself is so different online and off. Days offline are longer, more memorable, filled with more variety. I've started doing more things by hand on purpose, to keep me here and now, like doing the dishes.

The more things I do in meat-space the less I mind chores. Previously, chores were one of the very few things I did in meat-space (vs being glued to the screen – for art, entertainment, socializing – everything), so doing them was unpleasant; it seemed like it was all I was doing. Now that I do a variety of things in meat-space, chores don't stand out so much and are actually quite pleasant, just another way to remind myself of my agency and effect on the world.

I'm trying to get off the laptop as much as possible, keep it powered down and a pain in the ass to use. I need the internet a few times a day to catch up on world events but it's too easy to go on social media. And apart from storing notes on tarot and reading e-books, there's hardly anything for me to do on the computer. (Need to move those books to the e-reader).

I'm doing better about not going on tumblr, I've definitely stopped scrolling to the bottom of my dash. I'm more discerning with the youtube vids I'm watching, they have to bring me value. It's also easier to just switch them off if they're not providing.

I instated a little journal on my phone, as recently explained by struthless on youtube in his video on micro-journaling. I'm hoping it will distract me from social media – I'm going to write in it when I reflexively unlock my phone for no real reason. This might mean uninstalling the emotions check-in app, I don't want to double up. It will also serve as a place to summarize my day for my own benefit and future reference, something I've been trying to do on mastodon, but which meant firing up the laptop in the evening because I kept forgetting to do it. And once the laptop is on...

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One of the prompts in the stoic journal got me to think about what objects gave me the most value so far this year, and it's been all my art supplies. I love making physical things. I've had fun collaging, book binding, making the cover for my study journals, using art in magic and devotion. Whether it's for self expression, decoration, or for a functional purpose, I've had the best experiences cobbling things together from odd bits and ends I've collected over the years. I know I want to prioritize traditional media art and craft (a little bit daunting seeing how unfamiliar I am with it and how comfortable and relatively good I am with digital media), but it got me thinking about getting more supplies.

I know a lot of the fun comes from the challenge of working with what you already have and I'm not intending to go all out with purchases. It's one of the areas I haven't clearly defined the rules for in this no-buy year and here it is, coming around to bite me in the ass. I'm definitely seeing a gap in my stash for mark-making tools that would work on top of different surfaces. So I'm looking into pastels and maybe basic sharpies for now. I'll soon need to figure out a storage solution for all these materials to be easily accessible, instead of living in a box in a cupboard somewhere – trying to make the thing that brings me most satisfaction as easily accessible as possible, and the things that most steal my time – as difficult to access as possible.

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I'm still going deep with tarot, even if it's not the main focus of this year right now. I keep getting reminded that that should still be survival, and mental and emotional health, seeing as the pandemic is still ongoing and the world is on fire in many other ways. I'm studying the Ancient Italian deck from LoScarabeo – daily readings, studying the images to arrive at my own meanings for the pips. I'm dreading doing the Majors because that's usually the most boring part to research for me. But I have good books to lean on when I finally get there, so hopefully I won't just drop this project right in the middle. Maybe the need to complete the artsy part of it will also help as motivation – I already made the journal, the pages are titled, I can't just leave it like this! But I'm also trying to prepare myself to let it go if and when the project runs its course, even if it's earlier than I think it “should”.

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That's my next step. I've worked hard to stop “should”ing at myself. The negative self-talk is mostly gone, or easy to ignore. The hard part now is – I'm holding on to other draining things. Other habits, interests, social groups I'm doing on autopilot without really getting anything out of it.

Plan of action:

1. question more things – why am I engaging with them? Let go where I can.
2. stay off the computer, only turn it on for a specific purpose – news, letter to a friend, organizing a tarot project etc.

Well then, that was a lot of intensive work. I have dug my heels in and focused on openness and curiosity, over planning and pressuring myself to keep to a schedule. The results are fantastic in terms of my personal well-being (and surprisingly not-terrible in terms of staying on top of things). I must remember to keep going with this.

In terms of tarot I packed even more decks away. Maybe not for good, but I'm experimenting with TdM style decks for now, testing the assumption that non-scenic pips give me fewer things to be dissatisfied with. My main study focus has been the Ancient Italian tarot, which I intend to carry over into March for a month-long exercise. I'm crafting a journal for these studies, filling it in, it's been fun. Reading more scholarly and more playful books about TdM (itching to buy a practical-approach book, too, but I want to finish at least one of these first). Haven't lost interest yet!

I've been using the Thoth exclusively for my journaling pulls and it's been working fine. Also my trimmed version is tiny and I like how handy it is, just sitting with the journal. Other than that I occasionally pull out a deck for fun, most recently the Tarot del Fuego – still curious to see if the keywords exercise I did with another Fournier deck would match up with this. Maybe later.

This month's going with the flow also directed me into new avenues of witchcraft, so there was quite some inspiration there for a variety of activities. In addition to that my partner and I finally launched an artsy/magical joint website we've been talking about for ages.

In terms of being more present in the physical world – we started seedlings for our balcony garden. The tomatoes already needed replanting, we got some gnats in the wildflowers – there's always some tending to do. In the newest meatspace developments: I'm trying to use the laptop as little as possible and shut it down in between uses. I remember how great it felt when we stayed at an airbnb with a shitty internet connection – my days didn't have a constant distraction-hose blasting my brain, and daily tasks and activities were clear and simple. Chores were as entertaining as leisure and I didn't feel the need to plug into social media. I wonder if I can recreate this without those externally imposed limiting conditions. Especially since I'm trying to stay informed about world issues, so that keeps me coming back online quite often. We'll see how it goes, that part of staying present is still in trial mode.

Overall I'm very satisfied. I notice a significant decrease in “should-ing” at myself and the world in general seems much more interesting when I'm in “receiving” mode, rather than “task” mode. Onwards and upwards.

Phew, there hasn't been an update in a while. I got over the limbo, that turbulence. I've been practicing loosening those reins and just being curious about each day, and a lot has been happening. When you follow your curiosity and the things presented to you, a lot of great stuff can happen that you couldn't plan for yourself if you were in control – surprises, discoveries, opportunities for growth. Same with openness to my emotional self – acting from my needs instead of neglecting them and pushing through them makes things happen, internally and externally. Acknowledging my feelings as important has made me happier and more confident . And that in turn gave me more inspiration to do things, and more energy – even for stuff that's not my favorite. Going into things with curiosity and a sense that I have my own back and won't force anything just makes everything easier.

There are psychological, spiritual, and magical methods I've been using to keep this trend going and to cement it in my consciousness. I know all of this but there's a difference between knowing something intellectually and knowing it on a level that you can naturally act from and trust, a lived truth – I'm not sure I'm there yet. I'm still writing daily in the Stoic Journal, and pulling tarot cards with each entry (almost exclusively using the Thoth deck in February). I've expanded my daily care to include check-ins with the Mood Patterns app, building those emotional skills. I wrote a prayer to remind me to surrender control, but some days are easier than others when it comes to that, I don't remember to live by it all the time, still need a lot of reminding. I did the feeding your demons practice a couple of times, I think it'd help if I was more consistent with that. And I have a big magical working in progress for this theme of surrender (but more “fun” inspiration has been getting in the way).

I like seeing myself being bolder, bringing up things that bother me which previously I'd try to shrug off, invalidating my discomfort. I like taking opportunities that show up without having to fearfully overthink them. I love where I went with my witchcraft, being guided to resources, making use of them to more inspiring results. I love the art that's been happening, almost as if it was meant to be – I'm just finding things and putting them together in delightful ways. And I love how all of it is interconnected, how it weaves together making one whole. But right now I'm weary and it's making me wary.

I'm worried about how much has happened, how fast, how intensively. It seems like another build up to burnout. I jumped into some things, worked at them really hard, and then left them kind of half-way done, my energy lowered. Hopefully if I can continue with some of the above methods I can make it back around to this flowing, open state. Or that at least some of what I've learned sticks around with me as an inner truth to live by. (New thing to figure out – once my energy is back up will I naturally flow back to those half-done things, or will I try to force myself back to them because I “should” finish things, or will I naturally and easily move on to the next thing?)

As a matter of record here's some of the stuff from February:

• beautiful beads I strung up from just stuff I had lying around, looking at them reminds me that wonder is all around,
• new magic experiences and the tools they inspire – made a charm, in progress of making a brush, planning to make some more spirit houses and vessels,
• unplanned top to bottom cleansing, blessing, and warding after hearing a disembodied voice in the bedroom (actually that could be what took the most out of me this month),
• started on a website with my partner, something we've been talking about for a long time,
• doggo diary drawing series, he's so cute and low pressure,
• found art oracle,
• spending a lot of time alone, outside, and allowing that to be a free-form adventure,
• let my family know of my new name choice,
• had a week-long email exchange with one of my favorite relatives about my trans experience,
• started seeds for our garden

and more I'm sure!