Hello. I hope you're well. I mean it though. Like, really super thriving well.
I just wanted to tell you that it's hard to see you sometimes and today is one of these days But don't mind me It's fine
It's just that I feel uncomfortable and I don't know why Well, I do, actually It's the mirror that makes me feel uncomfortable
You see, You hold the mirror at me and make me see the nasty bits that I don't really want to see especially in myself
It's necessary, I know, painful but necessary, to be with myself and see myself clearly, uncovered, reflected in my perception of you
I guess I should thank you for speeding up the process unconsciously maybe, but let me assure you, that it works painfully well
I think I see you, but what I can see is a story of you, my own perception, and while not being you, that story I tell reveals me to myself
Am I pushing my agenda or co-creating with you? It's hard to live the talk but asking myself this question gives me hope it's like meditation: I lose myself but eventually notice and gently bring my focus back to the meditation object which in this case is being and creating together
with practice these loops of distraction are getting shorter and maybe one day I'll let go fully of the subconscious belief that my idea is the best one because I know that it is not and I want to really listen to your part with a wide open heart and embrace the fact that I can do it on my own but it's so much more fulfilling to do it together with you
I dance between my different selves analogue and digital present and numb stuck and otherworldly
It's funny to be them all at any given time and float beyond what I think makes me and see what awaits me as the many selves that I thought to be separate merge into one lump of I
I see that, and I can't help not to cry from laughter what a joke of a guy am I
A mixed-bag, an idealist, an intellectual masturbator, and egocentric exhibit of faults of character and pollutor extraordinaire and more
Damn. How can I be? It's hard for me to see through the shame and guilt of all the silly shit that was so completely unnecessary and yet I did it still, well, not all, in fact, as fear prevented me numerous times from doing all the good stuff I knew I should have done.
What a joke, holy smoke, there's so much wasted potential and even if I'm aware of it nothing comes of it and I keep on wasting it, deliberately, on a daily basis. Good stuff.
Why? Why not. I can. Can I? How could I? I don't really know (obviously, can't even answer a simple question) I just sorta kinda do. Continuously waste potential. It's tragic, really, ironic and funny. ha ha So I laugh and cry at this silly I
It's what I am I guess what I get to work with I fail way too often but I try (well, at times I do) And these parts of me are me, still me, but luckily there's more to what shapes me into this momentary expression of the Universe unfolding through my silly selves
That feeling gives me hope and courage to embrace all the parts and dance together awkwardly, loosing the rhythm, tripping over my own constantly untying shoelaces but perhaps that's okay there's always another day, no – moment, second, this precise one in fact, when I get to make an informed, conscious decision which self to manifest as me in the present and how to be in the world right now and now and now and now ... ad infinitum
The wind doesn't care if my vibe is good or not
it blows at night, when I'm asleep, and during the day, completely unaffected by me in it's ferociousness without care for my hope in it's relentlessness
it blows strong and in squalls even stronger according to its own will and unspoken laws
I can be with it and bend to it and work with it but I can never master an element
Perhaps, and please indulge me, not everything needs to be monetised.
It's counterintuitive, I know. I've been trained, like we all, to look for new streams of revenue promising freedom and security and exponential growth so I keep on looking (subconsciously or not) for another channel of income to flow
It's all oh so appealing but, perhaps, not everything needs to be monetised.
Wait, what about profit and scaling? What about paying for my basic needs? I need to monetise my time, advice, care, talents. It's not only good, it's necessary.
Is there an alternative way of being? And if not, then can I imagine it to exist? And if not here (I know, it's tricky), then in a parallel world, with no constraints.
Perhaps. Perhaps there is a way. My heart indeed tells me so, even if my mind disagrees.
I respectfully notice your objections, but I've learnt to trust my heart. Mind is too easy to trick and the forces of culture know all the right ways to keep me stuck monetising myself to death.
Letting go of you is not easy we've just met and it felt like time disappeared yet you are leaving because of commitments you have made to yourself leaving space for me to be myself again
I don't deal so well with short encounters anymore I'm more of a long-game-space-loving-type-of-person And you're teaching me to let go of what I think and what I know (nothing) which I know I still need to practice.
So, thank you, wholeheartedly, for the space we created. Together.
I'm deliberately hugging you goodbye tonight even if I will still see you tomorrow The night might change how you feel or there might be no tomorrow. I'll stay here with a heart wide open singing with the falling stars feeding the sacred Fire Simply Being. A Rock. Alive.
If I die today don't miss me I've had a wonderful life and even if it finished abruptly I'm so happy to have lived it and now depart.
I had to die one day anyway and today is a good day like any other.
There were things I wanted to do, and important words to say, but, I guess, I won't have the opportunity. Not in this life anyway.
Now I'm gone and what is left is space, empty, that I'm leaving for you.
This space, that I occupied in your life, wether big or tiny, is my gift to you.
I wish you to use it well. Let it be the most fertile soil and a breath of new life for what's the most meaningful for you to emerge.
I'll keep sending you rays of eternal love and joy from wherever I'll be next. There's no need to miss me. Just enjoy the space.