katelovesorange

sunny day and the laundry is out. sheets and towels. love the smell of them drying in the sun.

finally got to the green house today. drove myself. still not comfortable driving but i did it again. i could not believe almost everything was gone. the girl said most of it was sold 2 weeks ago. its like wow. my garden is going to be pretty bare this yr. a few tomatoes and squash. i managed to get a new hibiscus mine died over the winter. got a bright red one and a yellow one. happy colours.

i also stopped and dropped off more donations. its hard i almost didnt but i knew i had to. i got feed for the birds and then came home. i was very relieved to be home.

there wont be any plums this yr as the trees didnt flower. i guess they are not ready yet. maybe next year.

i sold a pair of doves this week too. so yesterday i managed to get 2 more marked to be put into the empty cage. have to clean the cage first. but i thought the marking would take longer. i need more red food colouring.

no idea what to make for dinner. all i want is a pain pill and a nap. and i slept like 9 hours last night. with fibro some sleep is never enough. i feel like i am always tired but keep moving so i dont fall asleep. i did some weeding in the flower beds last night so maybe that was it. i was only weeding for about a half hour. not long but long enough i guess. i will still try and get some form of garden going even if the grandkids will never see it. i miss them so much.

its another day. i am still learning how to find my way around this site. i didnt grow up with computers. i learned to type on a manual typewriter. when electric typewriters came in, well i thought i was in heaven. so easy to type on. but in this day and age i think all kids should learn to type properly. with so much work now being done on the computer it is a good skill to have.

i really slept in today. so i feel like i am way behind on things. everything is a repeat on tv so not much to watch. guess its more housework and sorting today. got a few more bags ready to go yesterday.

i have no idea what to do about finding an apt. so far the ads i have seen all of them are way more than i can possibly afford on my own. the only reason we can live here is because we are both paying half the bills. i remember my first apt was 225 a month...and i thought that was alot. guess i keep looking. couple of the pictures i have seen have the kitchens set up very strange to me. the sink is right beside the stove...i dont get it. so wont even bother if the set up is like that. to me its a safety thing.

time to start chores i guess. its another dull day so no laundry on the line. just making dinner and dishes and cat box and and and....

break time...tea and sandwich. i am so tired already. and have not even gotten to dinner.

so after tea i feel a bit better. got some laundry out and changed the bed. i still have not decided on when i will call work. my ex used to call be selfish. i dont see it. i give and give and give till i am empty. maybe that is why i dont want to go back to work. i am empty.....

Have You Ever Seen the Rain Creedence Clearwater Revival

Someone told me long ago There's a calm before the storm I know it's been comin' for some time When it's over so they say It'll rain a sunny day I know shinin' down like water I want to know Have you ever seen the rain? I want to know Have you ever seen the rain Comin' down on a sunny day? Yesterday and days before Sun is cold and rain is hard I know been that way for all my time 'Til forever, on it goes Through the circle, fast and slow, I know it can't stop, I wonder I want to know Have…

the lyrics say it all i think. i see the dr. today about my eye. see if i can go back to work. and if not what do i do then? i have no idea. i dont think i can go back to school yet again. i am going to force myself to drive today. i have to. if i dont it means i wont get hours at work. my job is to go from house to house to look after people and walking wont cut it. i have not driven in 5 months. if i make it to the doctors office and feel ok then i will drive to the thrift shop and drop off some stuff and then home.

i looked for at the apt listings yesterday and didnt find anything. same ones i have been seeing for days in the price ranges i cant afford.

the cats are really going to miss me when i go back to work. if i go back to work. i have been home for so long they are used to having me around. they sometimes wonder around the house meowing trying to find me. oh and i cant pee alone....even at 2am....sigh

later on...well i did it. i drove. went to the doctor, staples, and thrift shop, then home. my hands were shaking so bad when i left.

good news on my eye. dr says i can go back to work. he is also fast tracking me for my left eye. great news on that.

as for work...will i even get any hours? i had to turn in my phone. so of makes me think they dont want me back. but they keep saying keep in touch, but not once did anyone call me to see how i was doing.

so i sorted out more books to be donated and have them ready by the door to be taken out. its really hard for me to do this as a book lover. but i need to do this so someone else wont have to. i also sold 2 birds today. so a few bits of good things today....

The Mamas And The Papas Lyrics Play “Monday, Monday” on Amazon Music Unlimited (ad) “Monday, Monday”

Monday, Monday, so good to me; Monday morning, it was all I hoped it would be. Oh, Monday morning, Monday morning couldn't guarantee That Monday evening you would still be here with me. Monday, Monday, can't trust that day; Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way. Oh, Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be. Oh, Monday, Monday, how could you leave and not take me? Every other day, every other day Every other day of the week is fine, yeah. But whenever Monday comes – but whenever Monday comes You can find me crying all of the time. Monday, Monday, so good to me; Monday morning, it was all I hoped it would be. But Monday morning, Monday morning couldn't guarantee That Monday evening you would still be here with me. Every other day, every other day Every other day of the week is fine, yeah. But whenever Monday comes – but whenever Monday comes You can find me crying all of the time. Monday, Monday, can't trust that day; Monday, Monday, it just turns out that way. Oh, Monday, Monday, won't go away; Monday, Monday, it's here to stay. Oh Monday, Monday Oh Monday, Monday

i like alot of older music and this seems to suit today. so much to do so little time it seems, and so little energy. its a cloudy start to the day. todays goals. try and make an appt with eye dr. try and get a copy of a t4. and do some sorting. some say to toss things you have not used in 6 months. well there are some things i only use once or twice a year but still use them .

its like tossing winter coats and sweaters because you dont need them for 6 months. my canning things i use all year round. i do a lot of small batch canning. jams ,vegetables fruits, etc. i learned this skill on my own. i read alot of book on how and to find recipes as well. one of my kids does canning , maybe i pass my jars to him. i was wondering what i would do with them.

the stress of this last week has caught up with me. i made myself a tea and was going to have a break to knit and promply fell asleep. didnt get as much done as i would have liked. the bone crushing fatigue hits me like nothing else. so i will stop here and have a hot cup of tea.

sunday and its partly sunny and still cold. brent took me out for breakfast. we ate it in the car but still a treat to get out.

i am terrified of driving right now. it is because my eye failed while i was driving the last time and i was on my way to a client. my left eye needs a cataract removed so not in the best shape right now.

i lost interest in doing anything. knitting , drawing or anything....i just sit and stare at a screen...or do housework... or declutter. tues we are going to be dropping stuff off at value village. so will be getting out then too. i am so sad its all i can do to get out of bed. yesterday while out i had to stop myself from crying. i was wondering how i was going to do this alone soon.

when i lived with my ex our first move was to the east coast. almost right after we got there he left . i was alone to unpack and find my way around the city. i had to do the shopping alone and i didnt drive yet so it was walk or take the bus. i had no clue what i was doing. i was 21 newly married and alone. no idea what was expected of me other than not to go out anywhere except to buy food and pay bills. i had one cat at the time, sam. he was orange and white. good cat but i should have known when he didnt like my ex much. animals know good people and bad people. i guess i am really good cause animals gravitate towards me where ever i go. i am so very broken but i guess animals can sense this and maybe they want me to know i am good.

another rainy day. its cold. so today i drop off my taxes and hope i get something back. i will need the money for 1st and last months rent now. still have not found anything around here i want to live in. i kind of know what i am taking, but it will be determined how how big the apt is. the idea of moving never leaves my mind now. i am terrified to live alone. no one will worry about me if i fall, or need help. i dont know if i should just wonder off into the wild and be done with it.

i have projects i must finish and pass on. i also would like to pass on my various needlework books onto someone who will enjoy them as much as i did. i know you can find alot of the information online but i still feel books are important in ones life and learning.

all this worry about selling the house and finding a place expends so much energy. i am tired. so very tired of being afraid and of the thought of dying alone.

the decluttering has begun. so far its about 80% of my cookbooks. ones i have picked up over the last 30 yrs or so. mostly the unusual ones. but i guess its time to pass them on. so they will get donated. some things will be put online and sold such as furniture.

this is still so overwhelming for me.. i feel like i am spinning my wheels. oh and the one apt i did feel inclined to see...already rented. it will take some time to clean out the house and find an apt. not going to happen over night but will have to take this one shelf at a time.

i had no plans or desire to ever move again. i moved too much and too often when i was with my ex. i hate it. but no choice now. being forced to live someplace rather than being able to choose where you want to live is hard.

i never thought i would be living alone again. and now with fibro is going to be even harder. i had some help with brent. and he was great when we had to go out of town for my eye. but what do i do if something else happens. i have no one i can call. i thought i had a few friends but they have drifted away. i cant depend on if my kids will help . so i have no idea how i will make it ....

i dont know what todays shit show will bring. the house is going to be listed soon and i have to start to pack up. i hate the thought of moving yet again. i am tired of moving. and i have to get rid of more stuff. i had started to get rid of things but no where to send it yet. i found out yesterday that value village is back open. so i guess it can go there. and it means i will have to start driving ready or not.

so now as i decide what to get rid of which is really hard i wonder every minute what will happen to me. seems i have been tossed aside without a second thought. i was putting things in a box and brent says i should take a picture and try and sell online. and all i am thinking is that is a ton of work over something i will probably get frustrated over and quit anyhow. and there is what do i do with the birds. do i let them go and hope for the best? or do they go to freezer camp for a guy we know who has a hawk and needs food too.....so i have no clue on what to do...i feel like i am on the shit side of the merry go round.

i am looking for an apt now. its hard. during a pandemic there is not much out there. what i want and what i get are 2 different things. what i wanted was to live in my house till i died what i got was you have to move again cause your man is a fuck up.

the shit has hit the fan and we have to sell the house. so in a few months if it sells i will be moving into an apt ... alone. after all this work and time and effort its all gone. i dont know where to go from here . i dont want to go through this again ever. so once i move again thats it thats all no more men. and thats all i can say today.

looking out on the yard today it made me sad to think my grand kids wont be around to enjoy it. i have no idea when i will see them again. i miss their laugh. i miss them calling me grandmother. the one thing i was really looking forward to was grandkids. and i think i blew it when i decided to live with brent. seems my kids dont trust him. and now i have my doubts. i am on the fence of believing him and asking him to leave so my kids will talk to me. but i cant afford to live here alone. he pays half the bills.

being as i wont be seeing the grandkids anytime soon leaves me not wanting to do anything outside, like gardening, going for a walk, or even just sitting on the porch. i keep telling myself tomorrow. but tomorrow never comes. i avoid looking outside when i can. i am glad from my chair i cant easily see the outside. i dont even want to sit in the sunroom. it needs to be dusted and vaccumed right now which means tons more work. yet another job on my list of things to do .

no tv to watch today. all my shows are repeats. so i guess it leaves me more time for work. its very hot today with a humidex. so will go out later to the flower bed and do some weeding in the shade.

almost too hot to knit. my hands are all sweaty. so today is washing floors , dishes and mats. i made an appt to get my taxes done. no idea how much i will get back but something is better than having to pay.