mr.gr3y

//4:45 pm

The rain is incredible. It's been so bloody hot the last few weeks, it's nice to finally have a little break and get some cooler temps. But, it was short-lived, as the rain clouds passed after offering a heavy downpour, and the sun is already starting to shine again, and the heat will return. It's only June as well, and it's been so damn hot! I'm a little afraid of what's to come throughout the rest of the summer.

I'm a huge outdoors person and love camping and hiking and getting outside anytime I can. I ordered a large canvas tent about 6 months ago, and it's been on back-order ever since, mostly due to the huge increase in popularity of tents and outdoor gear due to covid. I've been getting a little anxious about getting it and having to wait so long, but it finally came in today. I'm excited to set it up this weekend and get it all ready to go. I'm hoping it will last a very, very long time. Which, those type of tents are known to last for a lifetime, if taken care of properly (which I will).

This weekend will probably be spent at home doing adult stuff like cleaning the house, grocery shopping, and silly chores like that. But, the following weekend, it'll be time to put the new tent to use. I've already been to the Redwood forests, Tetons, Yellowstone, Arches National Park, Canyonlands, Zions National Park, and a whole slug of random local places this year. I'm ready to expand further. I've got my eye on a lot of places in Idaho, as I haven't explored there much, so it should be fun.

I'm off work and going to cook up some pasta tonight, just because I'm in the mood for something a bit heavier. Then I'll chill and read and write and take it easy tonight.

More later...

/mg

//3:50 pm

Well, I'm back at it. Back on this site, intending to do some rapid fire blogging of my days, or, just whenever I feel like writing something out. This may include random thoughts, observations, or pointless commentary that circles around my head, that ultimately does nothing in sharing it online. But, it's still nice to do. If nothing else, it's a therapy move for myself in just venting and blabbing.

More about myself and life later. There's an incredible rainstorm happening right now where I am, and I want to sit outside on the covered deck area, and enjoy the cool air and the sound of the rain, just being.

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”

― James Thurber

Well, this year has been an absolute shit show.

It started off amazing. I thought I had finally figured life out. I had the money, the job, the status, the amazing relationship that I've always dreamed of... it was absolute heaven. I've never been happier, more fulfilled, more excited and just in awe of life and how it all panned out. Finally, I had it. Finally, something was going my way. Finally, I was living the dream I thought I'd never ever have.

But, then it all came crashing down.

And, it did more than just crash down, it broke me.

It all started about the first week of April and since then it's been back to back tragedies. The relationship ending did more than ruin me, it absolutely shattered my soul and still lingers to today. I was caught entirely by surprise. One day, she's literally begging me to marry her – and she didn't know that I was planning on popping the question in the days to come. And then, out of nowhere, literally days after begging me to marry her (yes, for reals), she wakes up and decides that I'm worthless trash and erases me. Cuts it all off and disappears.

Then add in job stress, money troubles, family drama, health issues. And then if things weren't crumbling bad enough, a friend committed suicide. Then, a week or so later, another one did the same thing. And the bad news just kept on coming with further money issues, job stuff, and even my mom getting a cancer scare. Any attempt to escape the cycle was rejected or turned down. It's like I've been stuck in a horrific state for the majority of this year now without finding a way out. Even now, I've been searching for a new job and everything has been rejected or ignored. I'm having to meet about possibly selling my house now, and unsure of what the next thing is. And overall, just feeling absolutely, entirely, lost and alone.

I've been hiding away for months, not doing so well. Some days I'm able to get out and interact with the world. Other days, I'm so lost and consumed in the darkness, it's surprising that I'm here to write all this. I've been battling it all, trying to pull myself out, turn the corner, and move on. But, I just haven't been able to. For the first time ever, after a lifetime of battling the darkness, I haven't been able to pull myself out and push forward.

Some lights went off within me, and I haven't been able to turn them back on. I've only been able to helplessly stand and watch everything burn...

I've been trying to do more writing related to how I'm feeling. This is meant to help me become more aware of what's going on within me and to help me better adjust my goals, mood, and life-direction. I kept a journal for many years prior, writing in Moleskine notebooks every day, and I got in the habit of writing out a list of the events of my day, ie., I went to work, then I did this, then I did that, then I went to sleep, etc.

Although this process is nice in some ways to keep logs of various activities, I find it far more useful to log my ideas, my experiences, my opinions, and perspectives. After all, if I were to pass along some sort of journal to my kids would they prefer to read a list of things I did each day that was completely void of any personal depth, or would they rather read into my mind, my struggles, my worries, doubts and fears, and maybe, just maybe, get a better understanding of who I was, and am, while going through my life experience?

Either way, writing is a fabulous tool. Anyone that writes understands this. I'm sad I got away from it for so long. I'm trying to get back into a good groove where I can freely express more without writing about writing as I've just done above. Blah.

I had a very intense meditation session last night, which lasted for 8 or more hours. I do these once in a while where I go deep, purposefully wanting to peek around the rocks of my soul and see what kind of critters are lurking underneath. Sometimes I don't find anything and I seem to wander a bit, or just hang out in that space. Other times, I turn the first rock over and uncover a mountain of memories, trauma, and emotions that I've buried away for a long time that instantly comes crashing down on me like waves in the ocean during the startup of a storm. By the time you pull your head up for a breath, the next wave is about to smack you down and make you lose your balance.

A few things I've learned while going through some processing today, where I allow the subconscious mind to sort through everything that came up. I struggle with anxiety tremendously. Previously, I didn't give much attention to the thought of anxiety being an issue for me. I've suffered tremendously with depression my entire life, but I never really looked at anxiety as a source of turmoil in my life. But, now I see it all very clearly. I deal with a ton of anxiety and it often times debilitates me. It holds me back from making decisions of all ranges and levels in my life, from major changes with career or life paths, to simply hanging out with a friend or not. Often times I'm crippled and just want to hide away.

This new found awareness can absolutely help me address this more appropriately, clearly, specifically and compassionately.

Another meditation lesson that came us how I need to let go a lot more. I worry so much about so many things (back to anxiety again), and I like to have control over things to avoid situations going bad (again, anxiety). I also take on the weight and responsibility to make sure others are happy in my life. All these things are rather exhausting for me, which makes me want to hide away as well. (I apparently just want to hide away).

But, do I though?

Well, yeah, to some extent. My views and interests in society are rather poor the past few years. I don't have much ambition towards fitting into society and playing along with 'The Game' (this reality, society, the rules we humans have created and set for ourselves). I prefer to hide away and just do my own thing. In fact, my goal is to sell everything I can, downsize as much as possible, and disappear into the woods in one of those tiny-houses, living debt free, working simple jobs to make ends meet, and spending the majority of my time living. Huh. Such a strange concept, right? To want to spend the majority of my life-experience actually living instead of just playing the role of the slave and following along with the programming we all have.

I'm grateful for my new found awareness. It feels good to have one of those click moments where things come forward and make sense. But, beyond that, I'm glad I'm taking the information and utilizing it. I do want a new path, and new results, and this coming year I think will be one of further awakening, development, and life-creating. I'm not exactly sure what will be happening, but I have no doubt it will be big changes. Maybe in terms of my life-situation, as things are already starting to shift dramatically. But overall, the biggest changes will be with matters of the soul.

More later...

/mg

I've noticed that I can write more freely when I know I'm posting anonymously. I have another blog on this site that I write on, which I've now revealed to close friends and family. I struggle to write on that one, even with simple life-updates and such, because I know that they know it's me. I tend to censor myself a bit, and don't want to discuss things sometimes because I don't want them knowing what's going on in some cases, or to a certain level of detail, or to know how I feel about a certain situation or experience. Sometimes, I just don't want people to know. You know?

I guess this means I have different masks that I wear for different people. Do we all do that? I have no doubt that we do. I mean, for example, as much as I have a potty-mouth and can curse up a storm and blast out a punk-rock-style attitude with some people, I certainly wouldn't do that to my parents, and don't. It's not that I'm being fake towards either side of the spectrum, but, maybe it's just a matter of respect? I don't know. I'll roll with that one and feel good about it.

It can be hard, though. At times, I do want to just write and vent and discuss things openly. Sometimes I do want to throw a fit a little or to complain about the way things are. I think it's healthy enough to do, so long as it doesn't become the only pattern that I support or exercise. Sure, venting is great, but then action needs to take over to make corrections or changes where appropriate. Sometimes nothing can be done with various life-situations, though, and venting about it can alleviate some of that stress and pressure. Sometimes you just want to say, “this sucks”, even though you can't do anything about it. And sometimes I want others to know how I feel about things and will express them accordingly. But, that's not always the case.

Truth can be dangerous. And more often than not, it will piss you off in some manner. Sometimes people would prefer the illusion due to its comforting nature, instead of facing the blunt truth of things. Sometimes, a lie is easier to swallow. To some, a lie is worth protecting because the destructive nature of truth is obvious. We will go to great lengths to defend and protect our illusions. Many do so in some pretty severe ways.

I'm sure we all could relate and admit we've catered ourselves towards the pattern of comfort and familiarity, although we knew doing so didn't represent what was really true. Many prefer to play along with the game and embrace an illusion instead of standing alone yet remaining close to the truth. We all do it at various times in our lives. And it doesn't necessarily mean it's bad either. It just is, as it is.

I don't want to offend people, usually. Sometimes I don't care if I do or not, depending on how I choose to align myself in various situations or circumstances. Especially when it comes to embracing your own values, needs and matters of your specific life-situation, sometimes you just have to do what you need to do, even if it makes others upset. The intention doesn't have to be one of intentional harm towards another, as opposed to making the decision that's based on love (protection, enhancement, development, etc) towards yourself (or another). There are always multiple ways to look at every situation. And every situation presents various results and consequences that one can receive and experience depending on their perspective, needs, desires, and belief-system.

Being anonymous gives a new kind of relief and power that sometimes isn't found otherwise. I mean, look at how people comment and interact with each other online for example. People can turn vicious! But, they can also do tremendous acts of love, compassion, and kindness. All the time we hear of anonymous donations made by people to support causes or individuals. Or random bystanders that jump in to assist others in times of emergency and then disappear forever. For me, and for so many others, anonymity allows freedom, especially within writing and creativity. It allows a deeper level of expression where I'm free to explore and try new things without carrying a certain level of guilt with me for experiencing different views on a situation, person or life overall – even if those are short-lived and don't represent how I truly feel overall except within that moment itself.

I'm not sure how my life would change if I were to fully open up and speak freely at all times, regardless of how others would feel about that. I'm guessing that I might create a few more issues for myself by doing so, and probably cause some hurt feelings in others. But, even with the 'mask-shuffle' of life, I don't feel that I'm lacking, or depriving myself of my life-experience because I'm cursing in front of some people and avoiding it in front of others. I'm fine with the awareness of those differences. I don't think others would mind either as I know they do it in their own ways as well. The work persona, vs. the home persona, the 'alone with the spouse' persona, the 'playing with the kids' or 'hanging with the boys', etc.

The masks we wear...

... interesting to think over.

More later...

/mg

It's funny to look back at my previous writings on this site. So much has changed in such a short little time. In a few posts, I was talking about feeling like the third wheel with my best friend and his wife, even stating that sometime in the future I hope to have my own person, but highly doubted that it would actually happen. But yet, about 8 months later, I am with someone in one of the greatest, most fulfilling, rewarding, passionate, intimate and uplifting relationships I've ever had, by a long shot.

I remember my mindset when writing those older posts and the person I was during those times. It's such a shift to how things are now. I find it funny because I wasn't seeking out a person. Although I welcomed it, I didn't want to get into a relationship. I wasn't trying to meet anyone at all. It just happened, kind of unexpectedly. I just aligned myself with who I wanted to be, for myself, realizing that I didn't need anyone to be fulfilled or complete or anything of the sort. I embraced the truth that I am already complete, and I am entirely content on my own and was satisfied with the idea of being solo. It seems, though, that when I stopped chasing after what I kept telling myself I was lacking, that's when things really took off in my life. This has been proven to me time and time again, whether it be with relationships or jobs, etc. When I stop focusing on the lack of things, I realize I already have it, and seem to attract new people and experiences that align with the energy I give off and focus on. It all seems like a bunch of hippie bullshit, but, it works.

Moral of the story, stop focusing on what is missing or lacking. Stop feeding the beliefs that the acquisition of those items or persons is what will make you feel what you desire to feel. Instead, just align with your truth. Recognize who you are now and that you already are perfection. Then, focus on the love you can give instead of the love you're demanding be given to you. Watch how your life changes.

More later...

/mg

I haven't written anything in a while, because... well, who cares. Is blogging even a thing anymore? Not that I started this site to be a public blog and get followers/readers and all that crap, because that's not it at all. This site doesn't work that way anyway, which I really enjoy, (although allowing me to follow blogs would be nice so I can easily read their new posts). I started this as a way for me to write, anonymously. And by 'write' I mostly mean vent and complain about whatever I want, because let's face it, that's what we all love to do on the internet, right? It's not bad, though. I find great value in venting through writing. It helps me 'get it out', so to speak. Often times, I see what's in front of me on the screen and I don't like it, don't agree with it, or just don't care. I let it pass and move on with my life, although feeling a lot better for having vented a little. My mind seems more clear, or at least a little less negative. Life can be a bullshit process sometimes, and it can feel good to just vent and complain about things, even if it doesn't represent ultimate reality or how we truly feel. There's value in everything.

I've realized that I miss the process of writing. I used to do it religiously, daily, in a variety of different ways including carrying around pocket moleskine notebooks that I would fill up constantly. Then, converting to the online world to write blogs of various names and titles for years. I loved the art of writing and wouldn't go a day without it. But, as time went on and schedules became more hectic, and life being the shit-show that it is sometimes, writing slowly began to fade due to lack of time needed to do it the way I enjoy doing it. My issue is that I didn't force time to be allowed for it. I gave my time away to other things. I left writing on here earlier in the year because I kind of switched to Twitter as my main outlet. Just quick little bursts of writing, or retweets, to share news, photos, or whatever was important to me on that day/time. If nothing else, it was my life-log. It's not a very good way to keep a log, though, and I deeply miss the process of sitting down with the laptop, a nice cup of tea, and just writing.

I've been writing daily on a website called, 750words.com, which allows you to write freely with the goal to reach 750 words a day. This process is like a mind-dump, to help clear the mind, organize thoughts, or to help with whatever project, issue, or challenge you're facing. It's a good tool and has helped me appreciate the writing process again, realizing that I can easily shift the time throughout my day (even if just setting aside 10 minutes each morning) to allow for writing time. Or, in cases like right now, just start writing in between some work things. It's only a few minutes of time and gives me a good little break. I think it helps with my day, or at least my mindset towards the day. Maybe it makes me a better person in some way? Nah. Maybe not. Once a stubborn asshole, always one. I'll continue using that site I think, for basic mind-dump stuff, but will resort back to this site for more journal-type writing. I love the privacy-focused mission of this site, and I'm happy to be a paying supporter.

For the most part, dear reader (if any other than myself), this blog will be a place for me to vent and express whatever thoughts I have about whatever life-situation arises. This may cater towards a category of writing about depression and common experiences in life that we all go through, or, it may be me just blabbing about whatever. I don't know. But, I think I need to keep writing. I think everyone needs that sort of time to go within, in whatever way makes sense for them.

More later...

/mg

The purpose now, Fulfill the need; The desires, the reasons, the place to bleed; Gone. My duty complete. Let it go? The time still screams, The voices guiding the distant blow, Is that so? Is that so?

Now, Returned to the place, Among the shells of past, Hollowed out familiar friends, Floating around the grave-less rains. Bring the next one forth, In time, I'll wait from the deep. Hold the ghosts; The known – the given, The tossed aside and sunken need, I remain, unknown, Alone. This is home.

It didn't feel like it at all. I guess that's the crazy thing about getting older. When you're a kid it's this huge event and it actually feels like your birthday. You have parties and your friends come over, there's cake and ice-cream and probably even some decorations. But now it's just like any other day. I get a few text messages here and there – most forgot or didn't mention anything. And I just hang out by myself all day and do whatever I want.

I went to lunch with my mom which was nice. We went to a Mexican food chain that's really good and sat outside away from the rest of the people and just talked for a bit. We don't really talk too deeply about anything – my family aren't much of great talkers – but in our way of talking, it was nice to hang out. I really love my mom. Sometimes I get too caught up in the past view of her I had when I was growing up, which was the view of a parent – an authority – instead of a real person, a human, who was younger than I am now when I look back on most of my childhood memories.

After lunch, I went shopping and spent a ton of money on new clothes that I need for work. I have to dress up quite nicely (although I downplay it a bit) and I have needed some new clothes for a while and have been putting it off. It was a good $250 for a few items from H&M. Most of their stuff doesn't fit me as I'm so tall. It's hard to find clothes that fit well.

Afterwards, I went home and cleaned up my house quite a bit. A new friend of mine wanted to sync up and she came over in the evening. She really loved my house and seeing all my plants in person (my entire house is full of plants), as she'd only seen photos of it all on Instagram previously. We decided to get some Thai food and watch a movie from the 80's called Starman. We laughed about how silly it looked and some of the acting. I'm sure people in the future will do the same to the movies we find fantastic now.

I don't mind hanging out with people. It's nice to not be alone and all that. But at times, I can't help but think that I'd rather be doing something else instead. Sometimes I feel I have to be all extroverted and peppy in order to entertain them or make sure their emotions are acknowledged or whatever. I felt a little of that earlier. I kind of just wanted to sit in my little office space, put on some good tunes, and write or play some games or something.

I've been in 'hiding' for a while now, so it's probably good for me to socialize a bit more besides with my employees. Or, maybe not? Maybe I need to go deeper into the solitude – deeper into myself – and really figure some sh*t out. I don't know.

I guess I'll just go with the flow.

I have to go back to work tomorrow after being off for 4 days, and I am absolutely dreading the idea of it. My boss is coming out this week to chat, and I think I might mention that I'd like to transfer to another role or company (as we have a bunch of different companies in various industries under our umbrella). Getting some time away from the job has helped me realize how stressful it is, and how unfulfilled I feel with it all. I've been in this job for almost a year now, and I haven't felt fulfilled in it. In fact, I feel dreadful at the thought of having to go into the office and pretend I'm extroverted and only have one emotion (happy) while people are assholes to me all day. It's not the best experience. So, maybe if I put it out there I'd like to be considered for anything else that comes up, it might lead to something better that I would enjoy more. Who knows. Worth a shot anyways. Worse case, I keep going at what I'm doing and figure things out as I go. It sounds crazy, but the Universe has a way of things working out in one way or another. So far I haven't been stuck for too long in something I've dreaded. Opportunities and changes happen when it appears to be time to do so. Learning to put my intentions out there and then trusting the process of it all unfolding has become a big lesson for me over the years. This time is no different.

I'm also considering taking some online coding classes so I can learn how to do some of that world and maybe change up my career entirely. We'll see.

It's late and I'm rather tired, so I'm going to call it a night so I can get some sleep and not be groggy all tomorrow.

Give love. Be love.

/mg