Saturday 9th January No house news, the viewing yesterday was a virtual one in the end, and the agent will chase up Monday to see if he wants to come and see properly. Blegh. I was hoping my luck was going to change and it didn't. Work for OK for a Saturday. Nothing awful. Finished on time and came home. Just a nothing day.

7th January 2021 – the stupidness reigns

Sometimes being a DN is madness. I get my list today and triage it in the usual way. So firstly there is a bit of a swap about and I take on an injection of something called Denusomab, only to find the actual injection is sitting in the pharmacy waiting for someone to collect it – and that someone isn't me. I ring a patient's wife about visiting to change a tracheostomy strap – it takes 2 nurses – to say we'll be there about half 10 – oh no she says, that's too early – my husband won't be up by then, can't you come about midday? Er, I have a big list of people already and don't you know there's a pandemic on – you're sodding lucky we're coming at all and you want to be pissy about what time you'd like us to come? Then another call – need to visit in the morning, not the afternoon and I get ' well D is in the bathroom emptying the stoma – can you come later – no, I can't, I need to come in half an hour, not this afternoon, there's other things we have to do this afternoon – and then when I arrive he leaves me on the cold doorstep for over 5 minutes and when he comes down he says he didn't hear the door bell – we don't know when they're going to be out of earshot of the door bell – we come for their benefit, not ours. He definitely left me there on purpose in the cold knowing I wouldn't leave. And then another chap – was going to come and change a catheter – oh – what time will you be here – answer – not quite sure yet, but this morning sometime – oh actually I don't want you to do it today, can you wait a few weeks – er no – the product is only licenced for 12 weeks and its already been in for 10 so we need to do it next week, not a few weeks. And then – oh hospital transport is picking me up at 7am tomorrow – no the DN cannot visit at 7am – we don't start by then – so its me who phoned the son and ensures he will come in the morning first thing to give some insulin. Please do not 'clap' for the NHS – f'ing hypocrites.

Wed 6th January

So lady from before Christmas is still 'thinking' about things and working out numbers. Its not a no but its not an offer. However I now have a viewing booked for Friday. My premium bonds didn't come up so maybe my luck will change and this viewing will result in an offer. This next person is an investment buyer apparently. Had fish curry and devilled chicken with my bubble today. Nice to leave HH and drove up the motorway stopping only for petrol, motorway was almost empty and no hold up getting into Croydon. The sun came out and for a few moments it felt almost spring like. Came home and there is frost on the cars already, and no doubt I will be scraping it off my windows tomorrow morning going to work. The last time I worked and left the heating off during the day, it took 2 hours for the house to feel warm after I came home, so I think tomorrow I'll knock it down a bit, but leave it on. I have left over curry for tomorrow for my lunch.

5th January – day whatever (1? new lockdown?

There was nearly chicken for lunch today. I drove down a track to a farm to see a patient – just before lunchtime and there were 4 chickens doing their chickeny thing, pecking for food and ignoring me in the car. I slowed up; I came to a halt; I honked my horn, I even got out and shooed. Eventually all 4 got out of my way and fortunately chicken was not on the menu

Monday day 4 (4th) January – day 0 new lockdown mark 'I've lost count'

I died in my bed last night and have been to work today. I was with my 2nd patient when my phone went – Dart Teignmouth – came up on the caller ID. I rejected the call and they called straight back. I answered this time and said I'd call them back. So I got back to my car (in the cold and the wet) and called my agent for an update. Basically no joy – no interest over Christmas and the possible buyer from 23rd Dec have emailed to say still thinking, but no further news. So called Dart and Mrs Rice wants to put her house back on the market and they were calling me to make me aware. Apparently she does still want to sell to me but doesn't want to lose her onward purchase. Its a race now for me to get a buyer before she finds a new one. No further calls from my estate agent. Now work is going to be going extra mad – hospitals are full and will be chucking out people who are MRFD but a/w care packages and some of that will fall into RS and it is possible we will be having to help them out. Who knows. So then the deep joy of listening to the 'one who cannot be trusted' on the telly at 8pm to find out what else we now cannot do. Its not making that much difference to me barring the extra pressure in work, as I don't do anything other than sit at home and go to work. At least I can meet my friends individually for some walks and social bubbles continue. I'm probably here for the duration now and better get used to it

day 3 of 2021 – 3rd Jan Was awake and awake last night – got up to loo multiple times, got drink, sat up and read, lay back down, got back up – drank tea at 3.30am and finally dozed off. Felt rubbish this morning and didn't get up until half 10. I had drunk some coke (left over from Christmas) which probably didn't help but unhelpful thoughts running around my head was the main thing. I cleared away the home made Christmas tree today, and then have been for a long walk. We did a 2 + 2 walk today remaining socially distanced. For a while we sat outside the Harvester pub in Beechurst park (pub shut) on the benches well separated. The sun even came out for a while. I walked up, then around and then back, so walked from 1.45 to 4.15 when I got home. The house was freezing and has taken hours to warm up. I've been sat with multiple blankets on me. Its hard to think about anything other than the stupid house business and then I feel guilty that whatever happens, I'll be OK, I have a house, enough money and a job which isn't going anywhere. Fed up with the cold and the tedium. However at least sleepy now and hopefully will sleep and work will be distracting tomorrow.

day 2 2021 (2nd January of course)

Woke earlyish; washed my bedding; went for walk with Kathy; came home. Thought about doing some tidying up in garden but really couldn't be bothered. Cold. To coin someone else's phrase, tried not to beat myself up about doing nothing. Did a little more of my crochet blanket but only a little. Watched a dvd and then watched one of my favourite films, Castaway, and had a couple of little sniffs – you know

Friday 1 January New Years Day 2021

I didn't stay up to see in the New Year, Gina rang me, then I watched a DVD and then read my book in bed and decided to just go to sleep. Woke up and its the New Year. Had a nice Skype with Martine and Min. Walked to Sainsbury for a couple of bits and then drove up to Handcross to have a socially distanced walk in the countryside with Sarah. It was a dry walk – no mud – and there was a little wintry shower which stopped pretty quick. We did about an hour and a quarter, it was flipping cold. Natalie has had a notification that she needs to self isolate from the NHS app – she thinks it was someone from work, who has since tested positive. I messaged her this afternoon to see how she was, and she has coldy symptoms, all bunged up with a cough, a headache and the lemon cake tasted weird. They've been for a covid test and now are waiting for the result. I haven't seen her so I am safe. Well as safe as can be anyway. She seems to be taking some naughty pleasure in the fact Katie is quite poorly. The GP has provided her with a sats machine to measure her oxygen levels and apparently she has some discomfort in breathing. The grandmother has taken the girls to the shops today despite the fact the girls shouldn't even be with the grandmother let alone be taken out to the shops.
I've made some more progress with the 2nd balcony blanket and this needs to be finished before I make a decision about a crocheted baby blanket – this baby will have so many blankets!

Wednesday 30th December

2 days of work. Yesterday I flitted between Cuckfield, Balcombe and Handcross putting in a lot of miles. On the way back from Handcross, there was a disturbing noise coming from the nearside wheel – I do hate disturbing noises from the car – they are often expensive. So I stopped when I was able and got out and had a look – there was a large twig caught under the wheel arch – so I pulled out the offending article and saved myself a big pile of dosh and the noise went away. Yesterday I took some stitches out of a man who had an arm wound – he'd been in a RTA and had his arm stitched in hospital but with it partly not healing over and partly scabbing some of the stitches had kind of got lost – I had fun finding and removing them – some of them were well hidden and a couple were embedded and I had to almost dig out, but eventually I got them all out. Not fun for this poor man but I had a lovely time. I've been hoping for a phone call from the estate agent, but not a dicky bird. I've pretty much eaten up all the leftovers. Its been so cold, cold in the morning, cold in the car, cold in the office and cold at home. I've turned up the heating and put on my knitted slippers. I'm tired, not sleeping well again. No vaccine news for us nurses. They started giving in the community now in Clair Hall, there's a suggestion that if there's vaccine left over at the end of the day, rather than wasting it, it will go to NHS staff – but how we know this I have no idea. I have registered on the community trust web site for vaccination work. Might make a change. Covid numbers are bonkers and Katie has a confirmed test but is being very uncooperative with Nat and Christian about when her symptoms started etc, so they are isolating just in case, but I don't know if technically they need to. I shall be dropped shopping off to them tomorrow but won't be going in.

Saturday 26 December The end of Christmas bubbles and I am now back to being home alone. It is peaceful and quiet and I like it. I am exhausted after 2 non stop days. I've eaten too much and had a little too much alcohol yesterday. There's a big pile of left overs in the fridge including Harshi's home made turkey curry sri lankan style. The wind is blowing outside and I can hear rain. The big news of the holiday is the impending arrival of a new baby – we haven't had a baby in the family for ages. I shall be a 'great aunt' a phrase which conjures up thoughts of grey hair. dust and fireplaces in my head weirdly. There's been lots of talk over the past 2 days of engagements, proposals, weddings and babies. Harshi asked me – 'what should I call you – can I call you mum?' . Culturally Sri Lankans don't call their mother in law by their first name and I think its just something she can't get her head around and of course she can call me mum. Because Natalie don't like being left out – Christian can also call me mum if he wants. However Natalie has a tendency of calling me grandma as I'm grandma to the cat