katelovesorange

day one of 6 day work week. not sure how i am feeling this morning other than i might have pushed myself too much yesterday trying to get things done. i moved alot of things and tried to make the house a little more presentable. its coming but like anything with me it will take time.

day 4 now. i was just too tired to write anything. i was too tired to even think. tonight i will be in bed early and hopfully get a better amount of sleep. today is also 4 months since brent died. it will be another hard day. i will keep it all to myself. i started a quilt right after brent died. its theme is hearts. all 5 in blocks. it will be dedicated to him when done. it has really helped me keep my mind off the fact he is gone forever.

i finished my grief themed card on the weekend. lots of likes on it but no trades. thats ok , i think i will be making them more for me than anyone else. i think now my creativity if finally coming back. slowly. but its coming back. when my friend ruth died suddenly , i lost my creativity then too. so i knew it would come back. just did not know when.

i have been brushing the bunny, he looks pretty sad with only half a brushing. when he stops running from me again i will try and brush him a bit more. i dont think he likes the feel of the brush much but it has to be done or he will be covered in matts.

my pain meds are kicking in. its the few minutes in the day when my pain is at its lowest. i revel in this time. it soon will be time for breakfast and to leave for work.

i have a pick up after work. something to add to my teacup collection.

it is the next day and i am tired as always. i never seem to be able to get my shit together. my mind is so foggy all the time. if i dont write stuff down i forget. so i carry a small book with me all the time at work. i keep notes and lists and reminders.

i did some work in the garden today. did some weeding for about an hour. planted some iris i saw on the side of the road no one wanted. no idea what colour it will be. i gave some to my neighbour for her garden too. i will try and remember to plant the sunflower seeds tomorrow.

day off today. tomorrow starts another 6 day run. so will try and get some small jobs done as well as some yard work.

i have to change the bed and do laundry. i am still working on the sunroom and moved the ironing board out there this morning. its a work station now so i can go out there and do ironing of blocks and fabric. i ordered some fabric online last night. being as the fabric stores are not going to open anytime soon. see how this goes. i ordered 200 blocks of 5 in precut fabric. save me time on that , and it will be cheaper too in the long run i think.

i am thinking the moving of things around is a good thing for now. its helping me move forward. i cant leave things as they are as a shrine to brents memory. i would never be able to get out of bed. speaking of bed i want to move that but its and all day job as its a water bed. so i dont think i will be doing that alone. wish my sons would offer to help me. maybe 2 days a month to help with odd jobs would be great.

its getting a bit easier to write. my mind is slowly coming to order. every day i am finding things a bit easier to cope with. i still have to remember if i want it done i have to do it.

i have noticed lately that my printing has become terrible. i can knit and sew but i cant seem to print worth a darn. my hands shake alot too not sure if that has alot to with it. i am glad bought the typewriter. i would like to try and use it today. will see how much energy i have later.

i have not lost any weight this week...but at least i have not gained any either. i am eating but not the best i could be. just dont want to cook for one. i have to eat to take my meds. its seems a waste for me to cook, i may not finish it. so its a waste of time and food and i hate waste.

my fear of being alone is always going to be there i think. its something i have to accept. no one wants an old lady. i am sure brent would say i am not old and i am still beautiful but life is what it is today and he is not here to kiss me and tell me his loves me.

i did grocery yesterday. didnt buy much...mostly stuff for the zoo. i didnt see anything i even wanted to eat. i have no desire to eat. i feel sick most of the time and yesterday i was dizzy all day. no idea what that was from. only thing i can think of its a fibro thing.

so many things need to be fixed here. i have no idea how to do it. i need a new tap in the kitchen. the toilet keeps running, which means i pay for the water. wish i knew someone who would help me with things like this. i cant get parts anyhow. everything is still closed.

the first flowers are dying off in the garden. brent would have loved seeing them. he loved my flower choices. i cant remember what is next to bloom but i love the colour. i did some weeding and whipper snipping. makes the yard look a little neater.i will have to deal with the side yard too. not sure what to do about porkys pen. the area of the yard was dug up and it could grow something but the light there is not the best. i need to buy some dirt too. to try and level out some of the ruts in the yard.

i finally got around to changing the tea cups today. didnt take long. its just every time i look at the cabinet i think of brent and how proud he was to find it for me. almost everything in this house reminds me of brent in some way.

i did some work in the sunroom today. i swept the floor and took some things to the shed. i think i will keep the tools in the house. with the current crime rate around here it might be a wise idea. i set up the wicker again and moved around a few other things. i think it will work. i started out there so i could move the ironing board out there with the fabric. now there is no space for the ironing board...oh well. i can always move something again...my life has been so upended this last 6 months. its like my whole life has moved sideways and its never going back....

my first mothers day without brent. even if the kids where not here at least brent was. i just feel sad and unloved, not worthy anymore. i know i am not the only one alone today for whatever reason. it is just hard and i feel forgotten.

so i spend this morning watching my show till 11 and cutting out little bits of fabric for the quilt. i will have lots to work to do on it when i am done. i got the next square set up for my take along box.

i need to get some housework done and of course clean the aviary. if it warms up i might try and do some more weeding. its a never ending job. i am paying for what i did yesterday. i tried to be careful and not overwork myself but it still hurts. i am the only one now to get stuff done.

so i have been moving things around in the house. i guess so it does not remind me so much of brent. will be hard to donate his things but what else am i going to do with them. i cant keep them forever just taking up space.

i have a huge headache today. i was hoping it would go away after i got up. no such luck.

i am also moving things around in the sunroom too. i have set up a work area and will set up the ironing board out there too. being as no one is allowed to come over it does not matter how i do things now.

it is just me and my zoo.

my first mothers day without brent. even if the kids where not here at least brent was. i just feel sad and unloved, not worthy anymore. i know i am not the only one alone today for whatever reason. it is just hard and i feel forgotten.

so i spend this morning watching my show till 11 and cutting out little bits of fabric for the quilt. i will have lots to work to do on it when i am done. i got the next square set up for my take along box.

i need to get some housework done and of course clean the aviary. if it warms up i might try and do some more weeding. its a never ending job. i am paying for what i did yesterday. i tried to be careful and not overwork myself but it still hurts. i am the only one now to get stuff done.

so i have been moving things around in the house. i guess so it does not remind me so much of brent. will be hard to donate his things but what else am i going to do with them. i cant keep them forever just taking up space.

i have a huge headache today. i was hoping it would go away after i got up. no such luck.

i am also moving things around in the sunroom too. i have set up a work area and will set up the ironing board out there too. being as no one is allowed to come over it does not matter how i do things now.

it is just me and my zoo.

end of the day and i am home. my legs hurt tonight. i am not sure if i should take any pain pills before bed. maybe see how i am doing in the morning. it still is hard to come home and know that brent is not just upstairs working. i miss hearing his voice. i miss him yelling down hi honey really loud. most of all i miss him holding me at night so i can sleep.

i dont sleep well. few hours now is all i get. i am up half the night wondering around. and this food thing is freaking me out. i am tired but cant sleep because i am alone, ok the cats are here and the doves and the rabbit but i am alone because i dont have anyone with me. not sure if i want someone else living here. i still miss brent too much. so much of this house reminds me of him. and shit i dont want to move again.

work was ok today and it was nice to just get through the day without any problems. i am in alot of pain right now. sometimes its hard for me to sit in my chair or lay in bed. some nights i just cant get comfortable no matter what i do. brent always made me feel safe and he would make fun of my nesting...lol . but he didnt mind he knew i needed to be comfortable as possible to sleep. now it does not matter as i cant sleep anyhow.

i got some work done on the quilt this morning. i should keep track of how many pieces i put on it every day. i want to finish this. i will send it out to be quilted. it will need to be washed when done so get all the pencil marks out. i never thought of tea dying it before i started but it still looks ok on white.

my friend brought over a sewing project she is hoping i can put together for her. its cut out and about half done. took me some time to figure out the pattern pieces and what goes where. but maybe get it done in an afternoon.

if the weather is ok tomorrow maybe bring some things to the shed. and try and get some weeding done. the gardens are looking terrible with the grass.

i was reading through some of the post in the grief support group. lots where saying how they cry alot. well...i have not cried for brent in a long time. i am not sure how this is supposed to work i have never grieved a husband before. i dont think i need to cry everyday all day. but it still baffles me on why i have not. maybe i am trying to stay in control for work and home and life in general. in weak moments i feel him near me. my heart skips a beat when i think of funny things or a memory of what was special to us. sometimes i wonder if he was ever really here. was he only in my imagination? i look around and see his things and know he was here, for a short time he changed my life. he made me feel worthy of love and i am grateful we met. that we both took a chance. i shall miss him always and wonder what could have been.....

my day off today. i slept in thank goodness. i feel somewhat rested. i have a list of things i want to get done today. but i also dont want to spend the whole day doing chores. i got a few things done yesterday. i am still not sure what to do with the sun room. do i try and finish it myself or just leave it. i need to decide something before i start moving things around again. once the stores open again maybe that will help me decide. i need to start a list of things i need i dont normally buy, like light bulbs.

i am still working on the quilt. trying to put on at least 2 pieces a day. and working with that aim i can start to see some progress now. once this side is done i will embroider the accents.

i did some work in the sunroom. moving the furniture around and sweeping . most of the big things near the door is for the shed. i have alot to bring to the basement as well. not sure which i should do first. probly the basement. it will take many trips to the basement to bring all the jars etc down.

i am going from one extreme to the other where food is concerned...i am either eating alot or not at all. most of the time i am not hungry i eat because of the meds i am on, or i am bored and lonely.

this quilt i am working on has become almost obsessive. all i want to do is work on it and nothing else. i can see the progress as the pieces go on but i dont understand this obsession. i go to bed thinking about the next pieces to go on. i get up thinking of what i can do next. i just dont get it.

i have had my shower and go to work later today as i work evenings today. i always have something to work on at break time just not sure what to take for lunch. wish my driverside window worked as i would go get take out. with the lockdown there are no walkins right now and the weather is supposed to be crappy later anyhow. i am never going to finish weeding out the gardens at this rate.

its mothers day weekend. i am not expecting anything so i wont be disappointed. not sure what i can do with myself other than work on my quilt. maybe i will treat myself to some sushi or something else fun. being as i cant shop at micheals right now. or maybe just stay home and hide.

i am still trying to write most days, but my brain is so foggy i find it hard to sort out what i want to say. the grief is very over whelming some days.

i am still working on my quilt, the big one. i try and put at least 2 pieces on a day. i think of it as a piece for every day brent and i had together. i just never knew it was going to be such a small number of days but we had love and joy and we built a home. i am still trying to come to terms with living alone again but its hard some days when you come home to an empty house.

i did it. i went and bought some booze. i had a huge drink and it helped me relax and forget somewhat. i bought some peach schapps. i put some in a glass added juice and drank most of it in about 5 min. i just needed something to help me forget for just a little while that i am alone. so alone. i just wanted someone to talk to. someone to laugh with. like brent and i used to. i miss him so much.

i am trying to write everyday. i think of things to write about when i am at work. when i come to sit here in front of my laptop my brain is blank and i feel like i have nothing to say anymore. what ever i say seems to mean nothing to no one.

i have not had a drink since that first one. i dont want to. seems the one was enough for now.

there has been no luck on the dating site. i message a few guys and get no replies. the ones that do message me are not worth talking to. so i am quietly alone again. i am not sure how brent would feel about me being back on the dating site. but i did meet him on a dating site so i guess he could not say too much.

i am home now. i had a cup of tea a tuna on a bun and an apple. that will probably be it for the day. i might have a snack later depending how i feel.

i am tired and so glad i can put my feet up.

brent has been gone 3 months now. seems like yesterday i was with him at his bedside holding his hand. but its spring now and the snow is gone. some flowers are blooming and all i want to do is hide forever.

i am doing my best but i am finding it hard to keep up with the work. brent was such a good help around here.

i had some of his ashes put into is pocket watch. i really like being able to at least have a little bit of him with me. i talk to him and wonder how he feels about how my life is now.

a year ago i never thought i would be alone again. its like when you go into a job interview and they ask you where do you see yourself in 5 years. and all i want to say is i dont know where i will be 5 days from now never mind 5 yrs. i never thought i would be alone for my birthday. brent would have been 65 this year. i was so excited for him. he could slow down a bit and enjoy life. it will never happen now. i am sad for that.

tomorrow i start 6 days again. its going to be another long week. i have my uniforms ready , socks are washed and dry now.

i traded for a card today. first one since brent died. i am not sure how i feel about it. i have to get the card in the mail soon or i never will. i want to make some new ones but my mind is still blank. i sit in front of the blank cards and i see nothing.

just took the garbage out. something brent would do, i can do it but sometimes the cans are heavy with the cat litter.

i was looking at the yellow daffodils in the garden and they look like they are glowing in the night. it spitting rain and the flowers look like they have small gems on them. they where very pretty to look at.

friday i did the banking yesterday. went to the grocery store , got some cat food and veg. i need to start going through the freezer and giving away what i dont want. i bought the meat mostly for brent and well i dont think i will eat that much meat.

i am almost ready for work. lunch is made and just have to make sure everyone else is fed and watered before i go. it is cold and snowing today, cloudy and very dreary. its on days like this i miss brent the most. we would spend the day inside doing things together. nothing exciting just everyday stuff. but we were together and i miss simple days like that. i miss making him coffee in the mornings. i have 2 huge tins of coffee i dont know what to do with and of course all the meat in the freezer.

i better go and finish getting ready for work. its going to be a long day and i am really missing brent today. he would have loved seeing the flowers.

another evening alone. i try and find someone to talk to but i also dont want to bother anyone. i feel like i am intruding. or when we are talking they wonder away never to come back.

i have been calling an old friend from high school. its been good to chat with them again. we have been chatting almost every night with me doing the calling.

i have pulled out an old and very large project to work on. i had started a quilt some years ago. its not something i can take along with me. i am spending time working on it while watching tv. i think brent would have liked it. i never showed him as i would have been tempted to take it out and work on it. there is stuff everywhere now. thread and fabric and the box i store it in. he would not have been happy with that. so i left it in the box. so now that i am alone again i work on it. the quilt top is covered in pencil marks so i know where to put the pieces. i can only hope it washes out. i put a few pieces on every day. i look at it and think this will never get done, but it does not matter. only person who will see it is me.

i picked up brents watch from the jeweler last week. i has some of his ashes put into it. as weird as it sounds its comforting to have him in my pocket. i talk to him sometimes. not out loud of course. but its still nice to know he is with me. i miss him more every day. my days feel so empty.

i am having a hard time sleeping. i wake up and then toss and turn sometimes i doze off , most times i dont. so i get up and come down and sit in my chair and watch tv and surf facebook. i never thought i would be this lonely in my life again. it was bad enough when i lived with my ex. now alone here in this house its worse.