katelovesorange

i was up very early. only 5 hours of sleep. i still feel tired of course but maybe i will nap later. now i am just scrolling facebook looking for someone to chat with. i dont want to bother anyone if they are busy , i dont want to be a pest to someone either. sometimes i just need to connect with a friend, like a check in saying i am ok. when you dont live alone you take for granted that your someone will always be there with you.

so my brain is working some what ok today. will try and make a few entries before i go back to work. i am sort of half and half . i want to go back , but like being home too. i like being able to do my chores in a more relaxed manner. most times i am rushing because i have to be at work, or i am too tired because i just got home. self care is very important for me now. i have to be so careful about how i do things so i dont hurt myself. i am trying to stay positive mentally but take that day by day.

i have some chores that need to be done today. will work on those as energy levels dictate. i am working on a knitted bear, it will have to stay at home as following a pattern at work is almost impossible. too many distractions. so far i am only bringing the sewing to work to work on. it really does help pass the time and i finish something too.

i have started to take down some of the outside xmas stuff. will need the stepstool to do the rest. i think i will leave the lights up but will take down the ornaments and garland. i really like the lights.

i put out the bird feeder again yesterday. no birds yet but it wont take long for the birds to find it, or the chipmonks.

i look at the box i have brents ashes in and wonder what will happen to him when i am gone. my son has said he would make sure we stay together. that gave me some comfort. i have been buying seasonal silk flowers to put on his box. i often wonder if he likes it. if nothing else i do. i think it reminds me i still think of him, every day.

i need to write a letter this week to. i have a penpal in the uk. i also was writing to 2 ladies here , but i dont think they want to continue writing after i sent them a letter in dec. thats ok. everyones life is different, and i know mine sure is after brent died.

i am going to break here for now and work some more on the teddy bear. back after supper.

typical of me....thought i posted this

so i got sent home from work yesterday. not because i did anything wrong. the rapid test i have to do every day when i go to work showed 2 lines. not good. so i came straight back home. called work. kinda sureal never thought i would get it.

there has been a covid out break at the retirement home so maybe i should not be surprised. i have had my shots, and a booster. so far the only thing that has changed is the fact that i cant stop coughing. i thought it was acid reflux at first, but its not. its calmed down a bit today. i am doing ok overall though. just a bit tired, but i am always tired.

got a few things done today. dishes, started to brush out the rabbit, i took him outside so the fur can fly away. it was raining so i didnt stay out too long . took another bin to the basement . looked for that stupid shelf, still cant find it. maybe i got rid of it i dont know. i was going to put it on the display tree that my son helped to build last weekend. took the tree down and that bin went to the basement. washed the corners and moved the chairs around. trying to sort out things in the living room for selling etc. made dinner, breaded mexican chicken, and coleslaw i think.

its been hard trying to get this together on my own. i am really trying to remember things that ruth taught me. i have forgotten alot. i ordered the business cards, and they look great! i designed them myself and my son and i designed the display tree as well. it turned out great. now the top needs to be screwed to the base and i can paint. i found a metal display tree in the basement as well. will paint that and it will be used how i am not sure yet. i have one more bin to repack and then i am finally done with xmas.

i also put out the bird feeder today. alot of the snow is gone and i see alot of birds around. maybe the birds can use the rabbit fur as well for the nest.

i am trying new things to sell. first was a knitted ball, and next is a crochet beaded lizard, next will come a knitted teddy bear. while looking for the shelf for the display tree i found a binder with some old patterns for knitting a bear. its small so i think it will be a good thing to make up. something a child might like. also found a basic knitted doll pattern as well. will have to design some clothes for it.

i decided i am going to start using more of what i have canned up. being as brent is not here no point in letting it just sit there. i lucky to have the skills to be able do canning. it saves me money and time on days when i dont have the energy to cook.

so now i am home for about a week. the idea now is to try and get some things done i have been putting off...like dusting the bookcase . washing the kitchen cupboards , and sorting some more of the pantry...see how much i get done...

as i check my friends list and see who is online i am reminded of the chat rooms on yahoo. one could go in and find someone to chat with and spend time with others for a while. i miss those. i had many friends in the chatrooms. i knew i would never meet any of them but it was nice to have someone to chat with. i am finding the house too quiet again. maybe because i have to stay home for a week. i use work as a way to talk to people and get out of the house. now i dont have that. i wonder what i will be like when i am not working and really stuck at home because i need a wheelchair....

it is evening now and i am still alone save for the cats of course and rabbit and the birds. most times i dont feel lonely, just alone, wishing brent was in his chair staring at me like he always did. i have no idea why he would do that. sometimes i wonder when he found out he was sick. how long did he know before he had the dr. tell me because he couldnt break my heart. seems i am looking back at our life alot these days. memories are all i have , and i am not making new ones with anyone. my second son is still in the wind and i have not seen the girls in over 2 years at this point. do they think of me ? do they miss me and want to see me? i guess i will never know.

i had a dr appt today. bloodwork was good and i go back in june for another checkin. she is retiring in the fall and said she will make sure i have a dr. i sure need one that is for sure. time will tell how things go. but for now i am doing ok considering the pain i am in. the pain is always there. it lessons or it grows so intense that i cant stand it. always in my hip joints so i can hardly walk. i try and rest when i can but it means not much gets done here and i am very embarassed when someone comes over. i am making more of an effort on some things, but with a free range rabbit the floors always need to be done...lol

i have decided when its time to start putting my quilt together i will get the ladies at the retirement home to help me. i am not sure i will like the layout when done but at least they will see all the squares and see what it might look like put together. few of the ladies seem very interested in that.

the quilt is helping with my grief as i am looking forward and remembering the good in my life with brent is good. most of all its helping to pass the time while alone. i also spend time between clients working on it as well. it really helps to pass the time then. the choosing of colours and stitching keeps my brain busy.

even though i am on a dating site i am no putting much of an effort to find anyone. the few messages i do get are very disappointing to say the least. between the scammers and the sex freaks and the ones who are very demanding i am not very optimistic on meeting anyone. am i really destined to live the rest of my life alone. am i too set in my ways to allow anyone new in my life? i dont know. what i know for sure is i dont want someone coming in my house and telling me what to do.

i dont know what my life will be from now on, but what i do know is that all of it will be my choice......

i had to go out today, besides work i went to micheals to get some floss and a few other small things. i was hoping to get some thread but they dont stock the brand i like. i didnt spend much. it was still nice to go and look around. treated myself to dinner at taco bell, i had a cupon...lol

i picked up my meds and some other grocery items. i managed to loose my notebook in the store. someone found it and brought to lost and found. i was so grateful for that! so i came home and relaxed for a bit. had my salad. then it was time for some small chores and a cup of tea.

it was snowing today. not something i want more of these days. i am still working away on my quilt, slow progress but its still really helping me get through this grief. grief is something that never goes away. i still grieve my girlfriend who suddenly died 10 yrs ago. i still miss her very much every day, just like i still miss brent very much every time i come home and no one is yelling hi honey from upstairs. just like cooking for one is still really hard. i still make too much and then find it hard to eat so many left overs.

i am very tired now and in alot of pain. hip pain mostly, sometimes knee pain. i rest when i can and make due with the energy i have. i miss having help here with chores. some days i feel so overwhelmed with all the things i have to do.

i keep forgetting to post...so i will now and start a new post later

so this has been a pretty good week. found my box of beads and my long rotary cutter ruler and my bias tape maker. tomorrow begins the large block quilt.

i need to find a small hoop as well, i want to set up a small box for making the last of my xstitch teacups. i also have a set of teapot charts as well. so i have alot to keep me busy , besides chores.

later

got some bias tape cut and ironed. i will use for stems on the big blocks. i reasonably sure i have enough fabric for leaves and stems.

i got the cages and aviary done. always a dusty job but glad its done. just small chores for the rest of the day. i am gonna relax with a tea and work a bit on my quilt. spending time picking the blocks and doing the planning has been good for me. remembering the good things that was in our life. i sure miss him on days like this. i dont know what he would think of the quilt now, i would like to think he would love the messages behind it.

as i was getting dressed after my shower i noticed my side of the bed has become a nest of pillows. all around me lay pillows. i dont know if it was to keep me safe or keep someone out. something for me to think about i guess. after i change the bed and i am putting all the pillows back on, there are 6, i put them all down his side of the bed. sometimes in my sleep it still feels like he is there somehow.

yesterday i was thinking since i am now the go to person to train people for this job, i should have a raise, a big one. i am now doing the job of someone above me, so i should get paid more, in my opinion.

its a rest day for me. nothing on tv so i am just puttering. doing some small things. will need to make some snack things too for work.

later...well its time for bed now...will post and if i am not too tired will write tomorrow...

the brain fog has been bad lately. i try and remind myself to write , then i forget. i think i need to make myself a reminder note.

i got word after work yesterday that the office wants me to train another student. i am both flattered and scared. i will do my best to turn out a great psw. i start working with her tomorrow. we shall see how it goes.

i am in alot of pain these days. my hips are sore all the time. some days i can hardly walk from one client to another. i put on a happy face and keep going and pretend all is well. having that much pain all the time makes me so tired. when i come home i fall asleep. not something i want to do but what my body needs to do. when i get that tired my eyes cant focus very well and feel like they are burning.

i got some chores done today on my day off. i changed the tea cups and put some things away, and did some laundry. nothing exciting but anything completed is a win right now. i made dinner and it turned out pretty good. i also finished putting the beads on one of my birds. i really like the way it turned out. i need to finish a few more and find a display to hang them. i am trying to get things ready to go for the beginning of may...for mothers day. that is my goal anyhow.

i am still working away on my quilt. finished another block the other day. i need to start looking for a backing. just not sure how big of a piece i need as the squares are not put together yet. i really am looking forward to seeing the top done.

i gave the bunny a brush today. he seemed ok with most of it and i trimmed around his eyes as well. he was happy to get back to his corner when i was done. i have found him eating cat food as well. though not good for him i cant seem to get him to stop . he also likes to drag the water dish around as well. sigh....

i finally found my box of beads...took some time but i am so glad i have finally found it. so now i can put some more beads onto the birds. i might have to buy a string or two....to match but i have quite a few colours to start.

its getting on and i better get to bed....

another valentines day alone. that about says it allfor this day.

i miss all the things brent would do this day. i was very lucky to have met him, my one great love. no one can compare to who he was.

i am not sure if i will meet someone, but if i do i know what i want and dont want. i will not settle for less what i deserve.

i fell asleep watching my show. i didnt want to. it means i find it hard to sleep at night. anyhow, he came by and left a valentines for me. i could not thank him enough. on top of that he left it when i was sleeping. hard to believe i didnt hear him come in, but i didnt. guess i was really tired. he surprised me today , very much so.

being alone is better than being with someone you shouldnt be with....

i was surfing facebook when i got a notice that i have memories to look at. so i click over to the page and found some fun things to look back at, as well as a video of brent and i and a friend. the friend was making flower balloons for me for valentines day. it was 5 years ago now. how time flies by so fast with out you noticing. sure it was 5 years ago but it seems like yesterday, his voice i hear in my mind all the time when i ask him a question. so much can change in 5 years or even a year, a month, a week , or a day or even an hour. i dont know where my life is going to go now, but what ever happens i walk the path alone.

no one can walk this path of grief with me. i have to move through it in my own way for ever how long it takes me. it gets lonely sometimes. unless you have a spouse that has died , you dont really understand how things are. i try so hard to pretend to be ok most days, but inside i am crying or screaming or just plain sad.

today i have to try and get some things done off my list. it is my day off and i should get something done instead of wasting the day. its too cold to go out, and i dont want to get dressed anyhow. rather just lay in bed and pretend i am not in this nightmare. pretend brent is downstairs making breakfast or lunch or dinner. then he yells up and tells me to come down and eat. he has set the table and made something that smells so wonderful i cant wait to taste it, and i wonder how i am so lucky to end up with a man who loves me so much. then i wake up and my dream is all a lie, again.

the sun is out today , bright clear and cold is the day. on days like this i miss snuggling in bed with brent and watching a movie. i fell asleep alot but he didnt care. we where together.

i started to bring up the bins to put the xmas stuff away. its time. as much as i like it, it will look weird in july...

i am working tomorrow, valentines day. its ok it will help pass the day. the evening will be hard. i always seem to be searching for him around every corner. i still have one of his pipes in the car. i sniff it now and then. still smell the tobacco. will this ache ever go away. i pour myself into work so i dont have to feel anything at home. its still too painful. i can understand why people move. its really hard still being here some days.

i just refilled the pill box for the week. i found a box i can live with. if i could just focus on my quilt block i would be able to finish that today too. i cant seem to focus at all today. i am all over. i made my xmas cakes. i want to make some scones as well. almost time to make something for dinner. some days i really miss cooking for brent and how much he would enjoy it....miss you honey

lately i have been starting the entries on one day and finish the next. mostly because i loose track of thought , or i dont have much to say at the time. my life is not that exciting . i have to work today, so its almost time to get dressed and make my lunch for work. i am in alot of pain today so it will be a long shift. i try really hard to not pull on my joints too much, but its hard with the job i do.

i have been adding ground chia to my cereal every day. i think it has been helping but with gradual changes its hard to tell. i am not feeling any worse so thats a good thing.

i finished ironing all my scrub shirts this morning. it takes me a while to iron them all now. i can only do a few at a time before i feel sore. so i do what i can every day until they are done. will wash this weeks scrubs tomorrow and then there will be more to iron again.

the hard part right now is picking a colour of fabric for the beaks of the small birds. i dont want the first thing you see is the beak. so i keep trying. i still have not found the basket of beads yet, but i keep looking.

one of my clients asked me if i missed having a man around. sometimes i do. i miss someone at night when i go to bed. i have never slept well when i have been alone.

later

yesterday was a very long day. i am still feeling tired but have to get dressed and go out. i have 4 stops to make. i also need to think of something for dinner. i dont want to sit someplace and eat alone today. some days i dont mind but today not so much.

its valentines on monday. brent always made such a huge deal about it. spoiled me and made me feel so special. i miss that alot. when i have so many special memories of him and still cant believe he is gone.

i know i would get alot more sewing done on my quilt if i didnt have 3 cats climbing all over me when i am sitting in my chair. working on this quilt has really helped me move through the days. every block i pick has a reason for being in the quilt. i will write something to go along with the quilt when i am done and hopefully it will stay with the quilt when i am long gone. i always wonder about the history of some old quilts, but with nothing written down all you have is the beauty of it to admire.

i am spending a couple of hours today getting some quilt blocks ready for the week. i need to do this during the day to make sure the colours are right together. i am planning on 20 different blocks with 1 large central block with a house on it. the laying out of the blocks will be very exciting. i was thinking of asking the ladies at the retirement home for advice on placement. they have been watching me make this quilt for months now.

the little pots i ordered for laurens birthday are almost ready. she will get them after she comes back from montreal, about a month from now. i just hope she will like them. they are more expensive than i thought they would be , but i did order them, so will buy them.

did my shopping today, got the usual, cat food cat litter etc. even found some marked down greens for the rabbit. he ate all the big handful i gave him.

later...

i did some photocopying and got groceries. the photocopies are for the next quilt i am setting up. still a take along project. i have decided on yellow for the background. i figure i will need about 4 or 5 meters just for the blocks. this will be very different for me as the pattern pieces are so big and the over all blocks are 14 in plus seam allowence. so i think i need a bigger small box...lol...