katelovesorange

well i knew i would be paying for my fall out of bed yesterday morning. i feel like crap. pain everywhere and i am coughing a lot this morning. so i guess its time for some pineapple juice. it helps with my coughing.i think i found the idea online someplace. it does help with in about an hour. the coughing started about 4 years ago. took 2 years to figure out its from acid reflux...part of having fibro. so i take meds for it every day. its just some days are worse then others. my digestion is now very very slow which is how i can go so long without eating . anyhow the pain is bad today , from falling out of bed and all the running around i did .

i found a book on verbal abuse yesterday when i was at the thrift shop. looks like it was never read. it was recommended to me last fall and i found the book title in my wallet when i was looking for something else, so i guess i was ment to find the book yesterday.

there was no time for art yesterday,so maybe today. it was raining and cold and very windy yesterday. good day for errands. the traffic was not bad but waiting in lines everywhere is what took a lot of the time. i found some art supplies for 50% off at micheals. there was no sock yarn to be had there . which really surprised me as there is always sock yarn. i guess with the lock down people have time to knit and craft. there was a lot of empty shelves there like the grocery store.

i am not sure i like going out by myself right now. it was very stressful driving all day and i kept thinking if i have a melt down i dont have a phone to call anyone and kept wondering were do i go what do i do then.

i suffer from bad depression now. worse since the acute development of severe signs of fibro. i think i have had the depression since grade school when i was bullied so bad. over time is had gotten worse and worse. the verbal abuse i suffered from my ex certainly has not helped my mental health at all. i am on meds for it but wonder some days if they really help. i never skip them though.

floor is washed now and i have a bit of time to write while i wait for it to dry and try and think of something for dinner. maybe i just take something out for brent and leave it at that. i am not wanting to spend a whole lot of time in the kitchen today. i did however buy the things needed to make the fruit cake again.

with it being much cooler today i will do some work on the bookselves and add more things to the donate box.....

it is supposed to be cool and rainy all day. so maybe jeans and not a skirt. last night i got up at around 2 to go to the bathroom and the wind was blowing so hard straight into our window. the wind was cool and felt so good . i pulled up the blanket and was soon back to sleep.

so today i go to the eye dr to get measured for my cataract surgery. i hope i am not going to be waiting forever to get in. it is what it is. lots of things have changed since the lock down. i dont imagine life will ever be the same again. i have been looking for a source for masks that are reasonably priced and are in stock. still hard to find right now. its also a shopping day , grocery. i am going to be so tired at the end of this. i want to get letters mailed and some photocopying done. if i remember to bring a bag of donation with me to drop off. then i have to think about what to make for dinner....sigh

the vision in my right eye is ok. it gets blurry when i am tired or stressed. my eye can blur out when i am driving too. that is what scares me the most. i think i will need a new lens in my glasses after i get my left eye done. my left eye ball does not eve face forward anymore. looks weird. i find it odd to look at myself in the mirror.

i have been up since 5 when i fell out of bed trying to get up. how i have no idea. but decided i was better off in my chair then bed right now. will make coffee and tea shortly. brent says he wants to go fishing. i am going to be so tired later because of being up early and doing all the errands.

so back now. 12 stops later and 6 hours...i am so tired. i got my surgery books for july 23. stopped in at work to let them know. not sure if they were happy or not. but my eye has to be done weather they like it or not. got most of the errands done except 2 i think so not bad for being out alone again.

i spent a bit of time yesterday updating my vision board. as life changes so must our vision of our lives. found a few pictures to add for interest. i believe that vision boards work just need to be patient for the universe to help you achieve what you desire.....

its overcast and cloudy. supposed to get lots of rain today. but the heat is much lower and i think the humidity has broken. so the house will cool down a bit and wont feel so oppressive even with the fan on.

i did some watering even though it may rain. i have to be careful weeding as i almost fell forward into a flower plant as i lost my balance. fibro sucks. i loose my balance a lot with this disease. i have to be careful when doing things such as climbing the step stool. i do that to get things from the top shelf. sometimes i can use the long tongs but not always with something heavy.

getting back to the topic of friends. i never had many friends in school. i thought i had one good friend who i could count on, but shortly after my oldest son was born she suddenly stopped talking to me. i called her sister once and she didnt know why either. so that is one mystery in my life that will never be solved.

i never met many people when my ex and i where moving around so much. i didnt notice it at first. it was only when we stopped moving i discovered i had no one to write to about my new life here. i often thought it was better to not make many friends as then it would not hurt so much moving. it took 2 years after moving here before i met anyone i would enjoy spending time with. in time we became very good friends , a lot of people mistook us for sisters. she died suddenly from a stroke and she was only 55 years old. i grieve for my sister every day. she understood my head and my heart.

i truly believe my ex was happy i was home and very much alone. our first move was 2000 miles from home. i was very much isolated and felt abandoned. he was gone all the time and i was left to figure out what to do with myself during the day. i had one cat at the time to keep me company and no friends or family close by. there was no such thing as internet at the time so it was just letters or the once in a while phone call.

although my first move was 40 yrs ago it still does not take away from the fact that a lot of military wives were left to there own devices to sort out life in a new city.....

i am finding the more i write the more i can write. some days it flows out like water out of a tap. and other days i struggle to turn the tap on. lately i have been able to get some memories written down. i do this mostly for my kids. so maybe they will get to know me through my blog. i never thought i was a hard person to get to know. that explains why i have so many friends ....not. i dont have any close friends. no one i would invite over for coffee. no one who would invite me over.

the heat is very oppressive. i find it hard to keep going and stay awake when its like this. i get sleepy and fall asleep when i dont want to. i guess this is one time when i might consider air conditioning. i have things i need to get done and sleeping the afternoon away is not one of them. the heat is also affecting how the fibro pain is in my body. its worse. i take extra asprin when i need to but i still feel like i have hit the wall. my whole body is swollen . fingers are swollen, rings are very tight now.

brent has gone fishing this morning. he does not start work until 11. so i guess he has time. i on the other hand am waiting for my pain meds to kick in so i can start chores. i am not sure about going grocery shopping as i am not the best right now and i will need a shower before i go out.

i need to try and finish the last few bookshelves this week. only 3 more to dust and set up the display. it just takes so much energy right now just to do anything with this heat and pain. as for cooking i dont want to turn anything on to heat up the house. no sure if i can get away with not cooking all week. probably not.

sometimes i miss living alone because if i didnt want to eat i didnt have to feel like i needed to cook for someone else. i didnt eat much when i lived alone. mostly very small meals and tea. i never had potatoes in the house. i was canning though. mostly jam as i really like toast and jam. i am doing this intermintant fasting. i dont eat for 16 hours and then i can eat for 6 to 8 hours. its helping. so because of that my window is now 11am to 7 pm. i have oatmeal at around 11 and then nothing usually till dinner. sometimes i have an apple around 2 but i would rather have a meal around 3 or 4 and thats it for the day. but with brent working till 6 we eat later. which reminds me what to make for dinner today in this heat.....

its sunday and its hot. so far i have done dishes and laundry and fed the birds. i am now ready for a nap. i think its the heat.

brent said he was going to go fishing but changed his mind as he suspects there will be lots of people out today to scare the fish away. he also loved his cake. i made a chocolate cake with christmas jam in the middle.

we went out for dinner last night so its left overs for dinner . i can live with that. i dont even want to go do shopping today. maybe i go tomorrow. i can shop at a slower pace and not feel so rushed. see how i feel after changing the aviary. that always takes alot out of me.

yesterday i felt terrible all day. like i hit a brick wall and could not recover. i was tired and sore and felt sick all at the same time. i could barely move without feeling dizzy. i am doing ok today , but day is not over yet.

i managed to get some art time in. which is nice. time is limited in the sun room as it will get really warm in there today. so i have to make time before noon.

today is also fathers day. my father died when i was 30 . half my life ago. i think of him now and then. we were never close so dont miss him in my life. we were never a close family , i guess thats why i dont miss my siblings or their kids. my youngest son drove 6 hours to visit his grandparents on my ex's side and my aunt(my mothers sister) could not spare and hour to visit with him and his daughters. i was so sad for him. that was the last straw for me. how can you not drop everything and visit family even for an hour. so now there is no reason for me to go back to my home town.....

another early morning. brent has gone fishing. so early meds and wait about an hour and then set up to make cake. i dont feel terribly energetic right now. i am hoping that improves when the pain meds kick in. i didnt sleep well either. it was too hot and i could not get comfortable. i was thinking of sleeping in my chair but was not sure i could sleep there either. its very frustrating to sleep 8, 9 even 10 hours and still feel like you have not slept at all.

one of the things that happens with fibro is your teeth start breaking off. that started in my 20s. i broke it eating a cucumber. and then again some years later on valentines day i broke another and the dentist agreed to pull that one too. now they are breaking off in bits and now i have half my molars gone with craggy bits at the gum line. no idea if i will be able to afford dentures. this is such a horrible disease to have. my life has been stolen from me by something there is no treatment or cure for.

its bright and sunny and its going to be a very warm day again. 35 humidex. so wont be doing much in the afternoon. have to water this morning. the plants dry out so fast this time of year and being as they are still so small i dont want them to die.

just let 2 of the cats out of the basement. no idea how long they have been down there. i suspect since last night as brent was probably getting his fishing stuff ready.

got my first pen pal letter yesterday. it was a nice surprise. i mailed mine out to her a few days before. so she will get hers soon. it sure is nice to get mail that is not a bill or junk.

i washed up some more of the hand made items i am going to start to display on the bookshelves. i didn't notice how many pottery goblets i had until i started to unbox them. a lot of them are just singles. some are pairs but all are unique. i have been washing all the amber glass too. some of the bigger pieces will be on the shelves as well. with half of the books now gone there is room. its also time to change the tea cups in my display case. twelve cups out and twelve cups in. most of the cups are stored in the pantry. i have not really counted how many i have as i donate what i dont want any more. i have been collecting tea cups since i was about 14 or 15. i just love the shapes and flowers and the colours. so when i open a box of cups and put them in the display is like opening a present. something new to look at.

i am sure there are lots of profound things one could say about life and its meaning, but right now i live each day as it comes and hope for the best with this disease i cant expect more.

gee i am certainly rambling today. some days i dont have much to say and other days i cant shut up. and some days i would love feedback on this so i know i am not crazy with how i feel about things in my life....

my cat thor decided it was time for me to get up. it was 6 am. sigh. today is brents birthday. he said he didn't want any celebration . i thought i would give him his present anyhow. i bought it last summer before we stopped doing any celebrations and i didn't want to lose it by hiding it again. tomorrow he is going fishing so will make a cake then. he loves cake so its not out of the ordinary i make cake.

i am also thinking of getting an angora bunny. why i have no clue. but i can also sell the fur. i don't think with my coordination issues i would be able to spin very well. but i am scaling back the birds. but its only one ;bunny as i don't need a population explotion of rabbits. they breed easy too. and i don't have the space for more than one right now.

it will be another very hot day. so early and late watering again. maybe a bit of weeding too. i can bend over to the ground to get the weeds but its the pain in my hips that gets to me later. i am paying for all the walking yesterday this morning. my hips are in a lot of pain and my hands. i only get so many good pain pills during the day. i take a few asprin when i have to as well. the dr wont give me any more as she thinks i will become addicted to them. i use them for pain management not to get high. sigh. people who dont have cronic pain dont get it at all.

when i was sitting in the shade and eating my sandwich yesterday, it was by the water. i was able to hear a few birds and see the waves. it was nice to just be , nothing needed to be done and no one wanted anything. i am very aware of the fact that moments like that are going to be few and far between. i remember taking my mother outside when she was dying and she wanted to just sit there forever in the sun. i get it now. i was also the only one out of 4 kids who did take the time to take her outside.

i am a first born child. i am also the first born of 4. 2 boys 2 girls. as a first born a lot was expected of me. such as helping with general house chores etc. at an early age i felt i walked my own path. i cant sing , i cant play music. but my siblings can. but i can knit you a sweater or a pair of socks. i never felt i belonged in my family. i always felt i was adopted. i as my mother once and she said no i was not but i have my doubts as i am so different from the others.....

a busy day. i hit the floor running . i was out early to water the plants and have to go back out this evening to water again. i then headed out to see if i could get some rolls of paper for the aviary floor. i was almost out. i was so relived to get some. then it was to get stamps to mail out letter to new pen pals. now starts the waiting game. then it was over to walmart to get meds. standing in line to get in. standing in line to pay for them. i wondered around the store. it has been a long time since i wondered around alone. it was nice but the pain soon caught up with me and i had to find a place to rest for a bit. then it was over to thrift shop to make a donation and see if i could find a top to match a skirt i bought last fall. wondering around that store sure took alot out of me .

i then decided it was time for something to eat. went to a drive through and got a sandwich and drink. it was nice to sit in the shade alone and eat. i was uncomfortable driving still. but had to if i was to get my errands done.

i came home and had a cup of tea and sat in my chair and soon had an unwanted nap. not sure how long i napped for but the show i was watching was over.

then i started dinner and fed the birds. i didnt get a chance for art today. so i am hoping i will have time tomorrow. having brent working from home really has messed with my routine.

some days i wonder why i am even here. i feel i have no purpose any more. since i was told i have fibro i know what my life will end up as. i push myself to get things done before i cant do them anymore. sooner or later i know i will need someone to come in and help with personal care. so that is one reason i am trying to get rid of things now while i can and i can decide for myself what i keep or get rid of. i dont know when my life will take a down turn but at least i know it wont be a surprise....

a nice sunny day. got the plants watered early and planted the lettuce...finally found the seeds. as i get more into the disease of fibro i am getting more absentminded. i hate it. i am forgetting where i put things and that annoys me even more.

started to straighten out the sun room being as i am in there now some of the day. i am working on it in little bits at a time. its hard as i am sore today from the work i did yesterday. all the heavy lifting i am guessing. i have taken some extra pain meds.

time for tea and a break. been going at it since 9 am. no idea what i will do for supper yet. not even remotely interested in eating today. i will have to though because if i dont my meds will make me sick otherwise.

i am still doing some repotting as well. but its now where do i put these plants. i have only so many windows. but on the good news side my orchid is blooming. its so pretty. no smell from the flowers but they last a long time and there are several branches off the main spike. the second orchid has a spike but no buds yet but it takes a long time for the buds to grow.

i am so tired these last few days and have to really push myself to get things done. sometimes i just want to crawl back into bed and just sleep for days.....

I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden Along with the sunshine There's gotta be a little rain some time When you take you gotta give so live and let live Or let go oh-whoa-whoa-whoa I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden

I could promise you things like big diamond rings But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover So you better think it over Well if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true I would give you the world right now on a silver platter But what would it matter So smile for a while and let's be jolly Love shouldn't be so melancholy Come along and share the good times while we can

I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden Along with the sunshine There's gotta be a little rain some time

I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden

I could sing you a tune and promise you the moon But if that's what it takes to hold you I'd just as soon let you go But there's one thing I want you to know You better look before you leap, still waters run deep And there won't always be someone there to pull you out And you know what I'm talkin' about So smile for a while and let's be jolly Love shouldn't be so melancholy Come along and share the good times while we can

I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden Along with the sunshine There's gotta be a little rain some time, I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden

Written by: Joe South

my wild roses are blooming today. they are the most wonderful things to smell next to lily of the valley and lilacs.
i was out plants the new squash and herbs. i lost a lot with the frost. i must remember to water later.

time for tea and some art. i need to stop at the dollar store for some supplies. glue mostly. this is the first time i have actually used up a glue stick. usually they just dry up on their own. feels weird. usually the paint or glue dries up before i can finish it.

another day another list of chores. seems i do the same things every day, floors, dishes , make dinner , laundry, and general cleaning. i should not be too sad about that, 6 months ago i could not see. when my retna detached i was blind. i have a cataract in my left eye that needs to be removed so i am waiting on that. and because i am waiting on surgery i dont know if i should go back to work yet. i dont want to be back at work for a week and find out i have a slot at the hospital. it will be scary again but i know i have to do it. then on to get the other lens in my glasses done.

i am still not comfortable driving. i have been avoiding it. i guess with the failure of my vision with driving i dont feel i want to be a problem on the roads....