Calvin Diaries

I'm not exactly sure what's happening, but I'm more stable, peaceful and accepting of what's about to happen.

Most of the thing that can happen sucks: I can stick around unwanting or I can move away and be hurting. I can work well without progress or work hard for something I'm having immeasurably hard time to do. Basically, I think this is a point where I think my life is in a stalemate.

All I know is I want to be somewhere unfamiliar and some uncharted territory of my life. This one is too familiar and I'm starting not to appreciate what it is anymore. I need danger, risk and the feeling of need of achievement.

Working hard is ok for me, but absolutely no progression is starting to have a weight on my shoulder. My life is not meant for this, I can do so much more.

In other news that's good, I was able to hit most of my goals other than abstinence today, I hope to keep this on a roll.

It's not that easy to define if I was happy because of him, or because of another reason. Does it matter? I wonder.

We're both happy with what happened, having someone in between us in making connections and pleasures but the thing is, it doesn't sound sustainable. From how it looks, it would seem like it will become reliant more than a one time thing.

It's fun I'm going to admit, it was a wonderful ride, but I'm just not in it to be for it as a need rather than just a plain want. I was really hoping this is an only occurrence never to repeat itself, but from his words, he sounds like he wants another.

I don't think I can stomach another for our “healing”, that sounds bull. This is what might be the defining factor to determine if this relationship is still going to work after all.

The past week has been a roller coaster. Good and bad, happening here and there and I'm getting tired of internal turmoil and external stress pressing me flat to the core.

The Clock strikes Three

The biggest internal struggle of all is the idea that I want to give up on my relationship. I'm a man that believes strongly that love is a commitment, I don't care if things get shitty, if things turned sour, if you're for me, I will be for you regardless of how I feel. I think I was strong about that, that I wouldn't give up but not until I felt like giving up that I realized, it's not as easy as just going all brains and no heart or balls.

Stocks and Hype

I just attended a Financial seminar discussing stocks and it really helps to know some tips from those that succeeded. Although I know I'd make mistakes, it feels better to be more educated. I'm hyped up to invest more!

Hopefully the landscape of my country in terms of investment gets better. Our President is ruining our promising economy sadly.

Deeper Introspection

Yeah as ironic as this sounds I believe in the authority of the Bible, and I'm attending an introspection seminar that will last for 4 months. This is about my status as a homosexual and to learn what triggered it from the beginning and if I can be cured.

I really do wonder what's gonna happen. Excited to learn more about me, but at the same time I'm scared of the possibility to lose my boyfriend.

But this is what I promised him if we broke up, so I'm pursuing it regardless.

Deadpool 2

Deadpool 2 was a pleasant surprise. We went to date on an unusual place today, beyond our safety walls to a more interesting one. He was craving for a brand of wings afar, I was ok to spoil him, so we scheduled an adventure and followed it.

I'm not a movie buff or someone that likes to sit watching the screen, but having an impromptu moment in watching a movie I wasn't hyped for was great. The movie's crass humor was perfect to tickle my funny bone to a disgusting laugh.

As someone that's rarely excited for a movie, watch it if you're for dirty and witty humor.

The first game of Unstable Unicorns

I was so glad the sibling night loved the game. I was scared I just fell in love with it because of the art but it turns out, it really is a great game. What's better than that is my sister-in-law was giggling over the art as much as I am! So it was a perfect buy even for the limited edition version which I was hesitating for.

Spiced Relationship

Yesterday we went on an adventure not many relationships go to and it was spicy af. Could've used a little more intensity but let's just say phsyical means won't be able to handle it.

It wasn't exactly the most well planned of all events as it was an impromptu invitation but I definitely don't regret accepting the offer.

As a couple, what we were expecting at most was a lot of awkward moments with a lot of mistakes ending in just good laughter but surprisingly, the flow was smooth, tiring but it felt great! The chemistry worked so well that it didn't felt like it was our first time.

Overall, as much as I wasn't for it months ago, I would definitely go for it again if asked.

Ok, it begins with this. A really good looking someone suddenly contacted me out of the blue while pinging me on social media.

It was a call, out of the unknown, the voice was timid and shy. I didn't know who it was even when he said his name; as my app wasn't updating real time I guess.

We texted a little and he was asking for a collaboration between me and him, something out of the bounds of just friends, it was shocking and exciting at first only to end the conversation very abruptly.

Come late afternoon, no replies whatsoever.

I was weirded out and tried to contact via social media as a recourse, turns out in his online account “it wasn't him.” It was weird considering the fact that he contacted me with a name before he added me in social media.

Come a few days after talking, we got to converse about his looks and about the “fraud” who was trying to get him to collaborate with me. He denied the being the texter, I just shrugged it off and took it as a inquisitive challenge.

In the end he said yes, not confessing though, but he opted for it in a surprising manner.

And now we're just conversing continuously and it's exhilarating to meet someone new that looks so good.

The Male Physique

I've missed taking photos of my body with nothing on. I know it sounds vain, and maybe it is. But I've loved the male body in general, the strength it brings while the curvature portraying so much life and sensuality.

I would really love to take photos of another person instead to test out this mettle and to expand my portfolio. If only I could get models to do so without any hint of kink.

Absentee Admins

Currently our admin employees are going haywire and leaving out. It's a shame, loss and a prick to leave without proper transition — they're going out without due process and guess who's having problems? Us, people that need her for operations. What's horrible is that it was her own fault and her lack of transparency with her words. Ugh, now I'm doing her job for the mean time.

You know, I had an amazing start: All the motivation and ability to wake up, discipline and keep up with my proposed improvements but as time passed, my conviction to stick to it diminishes. I don't remember if I wrote my why on my first diary, but I guess I'll write it now again:

Waking up Early

While it does feel horrible to wake up late, it's amazing to do so because of all the self-help you can do. Journal, meditation and reading, the remaining time before work or stressful activities is amazing because of the moment it can provide you for a momentum of productivity.

Read a Book

Though I'm into Audiobooks, there are some books that don't have it's audio counterpart. That aside from the fact that I'm reading a local book that I don't believe will have an Audible record any time soon.

My brother also tells me that by reading it with your mouth as well, you improve your ability to be fluent in speech which helps with my next endeavor of being a public speaker.

Reading the Bible

Yeah, it's controversial. My lifestyle doesn't exactly glorify the religion but I still do believe in all it's core messages. Coming from a history of atheism and agnosticism, I have no doubt that it is THE book of life, and I will continue reading it and believing in it's philosophies till the day I die.

Meditation

I've come to believe the ability of being mindful helps a lot. Both in the aspect of mental health, capacity and ability to think right. It's 15 minutes of your life that will affect the rest of the day, on the few times I'm able to, I accomplish a lot. So, while sometimes I degrade it's importance on a fast paced world, the act of doing nothing for extended minutes clears my engine to perform optimally.

Abstinence

The thing about habitual masturbation is two things: * It loses it's pleasure overtime and becomes a need more than a want * You become more selfish into thinking you're more important than others I want to be free of these two shackles, both don't feel well overtime and heck it affects my relationship with others. The goal is to be self-less overtime and to be more disciplined about my life. Life shouldn't be about what my body wants for myself but unlocking my capacity and using it for others.

Besides, it is one of the greatest pat on the back regarding self-discipline.

Prayer on Mornings and Evenings

You know, regardless of your faith saying your wishes and goals helps you achieve it. More so, is when you believe they will be answered by someone who seeks out the best for you.

The thing about the God of the Bible is that even though he knows what you want and need, he likes to hear it as well. I never understood this at first as a kid, but now that I'm in a relationship, I get it. It takes a different kind of active effort to say what you think they know and make them know about it rather than just hope they would get a clue. It takes a different amount of trust to lift it up than to just hope and excuse it's because you didn't ask for it.

Communication is two way, to read the Bible is to inherit the message, to pray is to send a message. I've always just inherited the message without having any idea what it's for. I'm really hoping this can change that.

Podcast Reimagined

I honestly still haven't decided if it will be humor or of serious topic but I believe in podcast as a way to inherit knowledge. It's one of my go-to and what works for me. Problem is I don't have the edge to work on it.

But I still plan to pursue it, regardless of success or numbers. I will work on it and achieve it this year.

——– Reminder Ends Here ——-

Love and Adventure:

I'm going to a financial seminar this Saturday and I was hoping to meet a friend over at the city where the event is taking place for a “unique experience”, I'm not usually for it but I was stoked about it. Unfortunately it wouldn't push through since he's leaving the country by then.

It strangely occurred to me that this time, I wanted it. I usually won't but this time I had that adrenaline over it. I'm not taking this as a good sign of where I am standing as this isn't a compliment to my status or character in a respect that I prefer.

Yesterday I gave my bf a snack since I was near his office, lent him some of my care products and yet, I didn't get a kiss to end the night. I know I shouldn't expect but it was really sad for me considering it wasn't a usual day. I would consider it excused if it was just any other schedule but on those days I've made an effort, I really hope he would appreciate it with a kiss out of the abundance of his heart, to return the very least.

That moment pierced me a little, and the worst thing is, I'm sure he wouldn't realize it.

It's not the most obvious slope, but I'm sensing a gradient downhill moving forward.

I think I've skipped a day or to before posting another journal and it's quite discouraging but I'm sure habit forming isn't easy, so I persist.

Siblings night with our partners

We had a siblings night at last that we are all complete with our partners. Wine and discussion about trivial topics was an experience, though it wasn't the best introduction it was a start. It was nice to see my sister in law so pleased to see with who I am with at last.

Apathic

Just awhile ago, my stomach hurt about 3 inches below my navel. I wasn't sure if it was bowel, appendicitis or other diagnosis I got from the Internet. One thing was for sure is that it was paralyzing and a weakening pain. After mentioning it while chatting, it was sad to hear that he wasn't concerned for my well being at all. He didn't ask what it was, he didn't show a single hint of worry about what I was going through, his apathy stung more than my physical condition.

Discipline and Hormones

I can't believe that on an age above 25, I'm still as sex driven as ever that I'm having a hard time to abstain. I've failed thrice and I'm not at all pleased. Hopefully this week, I do better.

Promises and Delayed Goals

Procrastination has always been my worst enemy next to fear. I promised my brother a Powerpoint presentation to salvage his offers that he refuses. It's been months already, I think I offered it on February and I still haven't started. Sad to say, but it's still in the shelves nowhere in my priority.

Unstable Unicorns

I bought a limited edition card game today, hopefully it was worth the deal. I got the limited edition but for an additional $5 than getting the ordinary one. The kicker is that it had limited edition cards that might be worth $10 each.

Gaps in the Walls

I was weirded out that the air conditioner was hot lately, I thought it just needed replacement. Fortunately, I figured it out last night, there was a huge gap that was pressed by the CCTV wires that made heat enter in bulk. I covered it with paperbags, seems like the room's colder now.

Cleaning and Relaxing

I've always loved cleaning when I'm doing it. Today I bought a mop, it was so fun to move it around and see the wet spots get clean. If I only had the time, I would do it more often.

Dgroup and Discussions

Oh my, I love having these discussions. I missed it! Connecting faith with our everyday lives, scriptures and it's relevance and being more in tune with people of the same wavelength. Well I can't exactly say thinking the same but I sure do miss having that environment and people around me. I really hope I can continue this routine.

I'm not sure how to title this, but what I can tell you is that today is the first day I failed on the following things against my new habit forming: * Meditation * Reading a book * Abstinence

Do I feel bad about it? Yeah. I can't seem to wake up as early with much energy like I can do in the early part of this change at heart. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm sick today, but I miss the fresh feeling of having no one in this structure but me, my dog and the cold room to bask in.

Abstinence and Giving in

I'm not trying to reason out for my failure but the thing about abstinence is it makes me very horny to the point of struggling with being unfaithful. Yeah, when given too much leeway I get interested to do it with anyone, and I think that's horrible. I think relieving myself of that temptation is so much better than disappointing my partner but my own faith goes against it.

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with this dilemma definitely.

Looking away/for more

I'm starting to lose sight of what I have and wondering what it would have to have what I don't have. I know, it's not a good downward hill but it just is so bad to compare and to feel unloved and to feel like being on the losing side of the stick. I promise to fight it, I don't plan to give up what I've committed to. I just hope I'm not making a wrong choice to stay.

Fear and Financials

I still haven't worked on my Powerpoint that I should've, for speaking engagements. It's been so long and the opportunities pass my by already. How can I prioritize these things? They feel so elusive against my time and priorities.

As for helping my bf's two friends. One seems very obsessed with social media efforts, and another interested on it. I don't believe in it that much, but I sure know how to manipulate them. Problem is: I just don't know how worth it it is to give effort to these matters.

Goodness out of the Blue

We're so used to evil that good surprises us.

Last night, I was at an ATM to deposit an amount. It was frustrating since the machine didn't want to accept my last 4 bills, I tried three times to get rejected. So I ended it with a bad taste in my mouth and left hurriedly.

A man with not the most pleasant exterior soon came behind me for the same machine, I left with a hurried pace since he doesn't seem to be the type to be placing a large sum of money in the machine. Funny how I thought he was sketchy because of his “laid back” outfit. As soon as I locked my car, he ran to me and knocked on my window, only to discover i left my card on the ATM.

He could've easily just pocketed it, but he rushed out of his way just to hand me what is duly mine. I appreciated that of him, and a lesson learned that night: judge less by exterior.

Human's Desire for new Things

Yesterday while waiting at the bank, I read a series of tweets regarding the breakup of someone against his childhood partner. Quite possibly that would be at least 8 years of being together, intimate and knowing the soul of another being.

What's worse is that it wasn't exactly a mutual separation, it was because of cheating.

Now I'm not going to wash my hands and say I haven't cheated, I have and have been cheated on as well. To define, cheating at it's core is to basically put your pleasure above the relationship's needs — whether it be physical or emotional. We can be technical here but the core of cheating is when you intently enter an act which can damage the relationship in your pursuit for selfish pleasure.

If it was a one time thing, it would've been ok but the succession of the cheating of the woman even probably lasting for 2 years from what I understood is dumbfounding.

Who trades a long lasting relationship for a new one? One where the man pursues her everyday and cherishes her beauty? To say that the guy may be an ass a little, but for her to return and ask him to give her another try says otherwise.

I could go on, but I just want to say. Human nature is peculiar, unpredictable and could go illogically downward just because of impatience or boredom. There is no guarantee anyone will stay if we're to bank on people's natural tendency to chase for “more”

Me, me and me

Everyone's innate position in matters is “What's in it for me?” and it's evident with my partner. Beyond thinking about the advantages for him, I'd really wish someday he'd come to ask himself “What can I do for him?” in the aspect of making me happy.

Make no mistake, he does make me happy. By being beside me, by complying when I ask for hugs or kisses but I always have to ask for it. If I wanted someone obedient I would've gotten a dog. I mean, when you love the person, shouldn't these matters come naturally? The urge to kiss and to be intimate?

I miss the desire to be kissed. So many have been wanting for me and yet here I am, stuck with the one who show the least amount of want for me.

Payday and Improvements

Ahhh... I hate having to compute for payments because all the deductions are scattered and chasing data for different places and reminders is such a pain. I think I've made about 3 revisions for the payment finances and it's killing both me and the finance department.

Thankfully today I had another light bulb moment to fix this, and I'm going to start on it today.

Meditation to Sleep

Today, I think I fell asleep on my meditation session. I woke up at 2am thinking it was 6am only to find my setup of a pillow on my back and my phone on my right. Pretty sure I didn't get to finish it consciously.

I'm not sure how either, but this 7am I scrambled to find my phone that's position under my hug pillow. Unfortunately, I haven't turned off the WiFi. I woke up impromptu due to the fact that I did it in panic since I couldn't find it in the two times I tried in bed, then searching my desk, bathroom and back.

Favoritism

When I was asked by my little sister to fetch her to go to our family dinner, we were talking about how my mother favored me as if it was a curse, and yet I claimed it was a blessing because of her favor both in material and emotional aspect. She was quick to rebut to tell me that she's gained more from our mom than I did, with one instance inheriting a huge sum of money without earning it. I argued that although that is a huge sum, the incremental value she has given me over the years had more weight.

Somehow I didn't believe that last statement, it was more of justification for my competitive personality. In the end, I somewhat believed that she was right, she had gained more benefits than me. Although that is to say, she became an object of her wrath as well so it might seemed balanced.

I guess what I'm just saying is that, I kind of wanted a little bit more — just like all of us do, always.

I'm thankful that in the end of that discussion, I was able to inhibit myself from saying offensive to preserve the travel. I sure wish my sister was more respectful and grateful though.

Mesmerized by Physical Beauty

I am very shameless that I feel like my partner has the face I have dreamed to love every since I was 14 years old, he's a dream come true and an imagination come to life. I know for a fact, that no matter how much others have better perks such as character, affection and admiration for me, his face, his smile and bubble just brings me so much joy which is hard to bargain against. I'm just that crazy for him. I just really hope that he can be more empathic with my feelings rather than just naturally considering himself wants above my concerns in our exchanges and dates.

Hard Truths vs Sweet Lies

Maybe it's because I'm very much in love with him, or maybe it's just my conviction of how I plan this relationship to be but it's shaking to realize the person you want to marry doesn't see the same thing about you as well: That I still feel like any other guy in this world full of options.

Slowly I'm begging to realize, even if I see him as the one but he doesn't see me as, is he still the one? Sometimes, as much as his honesty is one of the best trait he possess, I'd like to hear sweet half truths from his lip or better if he can phrase it better that I can feel that he loves me better than anyone that can satisfy him beyond physical means. In all my effort to make him know he's special to me, I don't know if he made that much effort to me that I know I'm way beyond an option, that I'm a choice and a choice he will stay with, that he had made peace with. Maybe, I'm just asking too much, maybe this is what it feels like to be in a long relationships, little acts can be missed as “it should be” rather than “I'm glad you did”

Wireless Mobile Development

Ever since, I have been developing android via my laptop due to the limitations of an AMD processor. Yesternight, I had the eureka moment of “Is it possible to use my phone wirelessly as a test unit?” and after a day of research, I was able to. It was a long and confusing research, but the result was worth it. I'm now able to develop using much larger desktop screen to both develop and watch tutorials.

This should speed my progress a lot, I'm extremely happy about this revelation.

Later Mother's day Gift

I'm proud to say, though late. I was able to get my mother a gift. I doubt anyone did otherwise sad to say but I think the most important of all aspects is for her to know that someone thinks about her, someone remembers her, and her worth.

It was a hard choice being a plus sized woman, although I saw a beautiful kimono overlay at Forever 21, I ended up buying a coveted cheese tart from a Japanese brand that had a high reputation in my circle. She's not into fashion after all but definitely has good appreciation for food.

Good Morning with 5 hours.

Today I had 6 hours of sleep, do I feel great rather than my usual 9 hours? Nah, but it's manageable. The goal is to have more time in the morning for myself, and for 2 days straight, I'm accomplishing it. I'm starting to understand that feeling is not fact, and it doesn't make you go anywhere. What makes you move from point a to b is a decision and the effort to fulfill it.

Goals for today:

• Pay the bills
• Pay for PVD IDs
• Pay for Calling Cards
• Pay POBox Shipping
• Android Development Progression
• Salary Dispersement
• Jacket Purchasing
• Mom's Notice to Explain

Mother's Day

I'm not really someone that's fond of events nor remembers it. Yesterday was mother's day and I haven't prepared a thing for her. I don't know if it's my direct responsibility as for 28 years of living, I had no pressure about it. But I'm starting to think I have a part and have to do something about it.

Sad to say, it was kind of sad and uneventful. I didn't feel like she was appreciated. She isn't the best mom, but she did somethings well. Unfortunately, she's not improving her status and might be damaging it recently. Regardless, I still believe she needs to feel special on a day that was made to glorify her, even just a little bit.

Secluded Date with Friends of BF

I was supposed to go on a business meeting with one of the friends of my boyfriend, but it turned out to be life and heart to heart talks instead about sexuality, emotions and love. While it was kind of awkward that they weren't my direct companions, it felt good to connect to people outside of my comfort zone.

Three things struck me strongly in that conversation: * People do long for the companionship of their attracted gender that's purely platonic, for the possible affection and difference they bring * The Ladder/Bucket Theory – While men only see one ladder up, from friends to lovers, women can segregate their attraction in between platonic and romance. They can control themselves from moving one person to the other. * It is not right in any way to find “friends” in a dating application. * Some people treat Mother's day as glorified while I'm passing it just like any other day. This friend I met up with took a lot of time to buy last minute gifts and prepare reservations just so that her mom would feel the love abound. * Nothing is permanent – She was at a point that she can tell herself while she was with her ex “He's the one” and yet they broke up. It felt painful to hear, I can only imagine how it felt. To me, what's scary is, I think I've found myself in that position to. I'd like to think he's the one as well.

Application for Goals

In the age of technology it's a wonder why people don't abuse it as much. There's not much idea that hasn't been executed, published or has been made. Last night, I decided to keep my goals to my face rather than the back of my brain: what better way to do that than keep it in my phone? So, I installed an application called Coach.me, to help me keep in check. So far, I'm happy with it's features: * People huddled into the same goals as a group * A community that struggles together * Checklist for progress each day or on assigned intervals

This is day 1 with this app, I really hope this is a progress regarding my dreams and aspirations coming true.

Waking up well with 4 Hours

I never thought of waking up with 4 hours of sleep as I am usually comfortable with 9 hours as my daily routine. But here I am, functioning with 4 hours and 30 minutes of sleep plus a 15 minute nap and I feel wonderful and productive.

I made this choice to extend my productivity. Waking up at 10am to 12pm feels like everything's in a rush and you have no time for yourself: Like a leaf getting dragged in raging rivers, or a car with stuck acceleration pedal in a high way full of cars.

Today, I felt the beauty of pacing, I felt space, time and availability. One of the most limited resource in this world is time and we seem to be obsessed with speed but I tell you, taking it slow, enjoy the moment and making sure you're aware of the present is far better than throwing your most precious commodity because people are ravaging for it is one of the worst expense you will take.