Theory Of A Death Worker

It's finally happening, I'm sharing my witchy life on The Fediverse! (Dun, dun, dun!) I'm kinda weary to share this part of myself, given some of my practices are kinda taboo, but here goes!

Those who know me on Mastodon might have seen some of the posts where I've vaguely mentioned witchy things. (I'm not very vocal about it due to the fact that people can be assholes.) I've never directly mentioned my spirit work before due to its taboo nature, my spirits and I are in very good standing to the point that when my boyfriend died our relationship still continued. You read it right, I'm dating a ghost. (It is a very odd situation, trust me I know, but it works.) It's been interesting for both of us, he seems to be indifferent to most of it. (He thinks it might be a bad idea to post this, I guess we will see.) I've considered writing a book with his assistance, it would be interesting to write a book with a ghost as a co-author.

My cousin's spirit is still annoyed with me, I never thought I'd have a ghost give me the cold shoulder over religious differences, but here we are. I hope she can find a way to understand it and actually talk to me again, I didn't get a lot of time with her while she was alive, and I'd like to make up for it.

I understand my spirit work is taboo and not for the faint of heart; Hell, the first time my boyfriend possessed me, I nearly passed out from his death trauma projecting onto my body. It took time before he could exist peacefully within me, but it was worth the wait. I was able to co-exist with my best friend almost instantly, but that was always a given, I've known her longer and we had an existing empathic connection. I've recently established some form of dream communication with him, I've taken to calling it the liminal plane. I don't know if that's a thing, or even if that's what it's called. It was brief, but it felt amazing. I've also found that he can take my pain in an emergency, I urge him to not do this as I can usually channel it off elsewhere if I'm not completely out of it.

More on the subject of pain-taking, I finally got the courage to have my Guardian Angel (Sandalphon) to remove the veil between me and my deities that seems to go up whenever I experience any type of physical trauma or illness. It's actually kind of liberating, it feels good to actually have someone just be there. In the past, only my ghosts witnessed my pain, and even then, it was just one of them. I also learned how to alchemize my pain into useful outlets, mainly reserves for strenuous rituals or emergency spells. I'm glad I found a way to deal with the barrage of energy that assaults me on the day to day, this is the part of being an empath that really fucking sucks.

Well, I think that does it for now. Do tell if I should post more, this gave me something to write about and break through writer's block!

Till next time, peace out!

I had initially meant to order them weeks ago, but I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I have Task Avoidance ADHD. They arrived today, 1 pound of chocolate coins, two days before I expected them. The God in question, Lugh, was ecstatic. I also put a few on Santisima's altar for good fortune and maybe a little sweetening the pot. Heh.

There's nothing really new to report, I've been talking with my Gods and have decided to try and salvage my friendship with the person who hurt me. It was a stupid misunderstanding, and I don't want to lose the only person who really gets me over it. (On the off chance that you are actually reading this; I am truly sorry that my words hurt you, I never meant any harm by them.) I understand that I am terrible with words, the fact that I openly talk to spirits probably doesn't help my case.

I'm still trying to figure out what happened in Appalachia, something about me changed, and now my body feels wrong and fuck I don't know what to do! I have literally no one who understands me; if I can't figure it out, how the fuck can I expect someone else to? I had a run in with some people from my old cult, it was a pain, but I handled well, I think. (Other things happened as well, but I can't voice them without having people think I've truly lost it.) I guess the best way to describe it would be an ego death, or maybe some type of strange void psychosis/mental breakdown. I feel better for it, my abilities have gotten a lot better. Who knows, my mind feels weird and new now. I used to not be able to feel energy well, now I can feel it all around me. I used to not be able to see my Gods without pain, now they exist simultaneously in my space with me. I'm interested to see what this means for my energy and death work.

My cousin took offense to my witchy side and ditched me. She and I never did really see eye to eye on that matter, what with her being raised strict Christian-ish and me being a weird mystic with a Godly entourage. I do find it a bit stupid, as she did see spirits right up until her death.

I guess I'll end this here, I can't think of anything else to add at this point.

Hello again, assholes, as the title would suggest, you know the rest.

I'm still reeling from everything that's happened this week: from the friendship that sank, to my cousin who died. OK, so only two things. But it still has me in a funk. Hell, it took me all week just to write this! I've been hesitant to write this because I thought I could salvage the friendship, despite the hideous accusations that were thrown at me. I hate that I lost a friend so easily, it'll sting for a while, I think. It was good while it lasted, despite my ignoring the obvious signs of impending explosion. I feel like an idiot. I'm an empath for fuck's sake, this should have been easy to anticipate and disperse.

My cousin's death didn't hit me as hard, I guess that's one of the perks of being a medium. I mean, it didn't really come as a shock given her medical history; stomach cancer plus the general lack of a large intestine kinda makes living a bit difficult. Her spirit appeared within a day, still reminiscent of her death form. I've seen enough grisly deaths to not be massively affected, but I could still feel her unease at possibly being stuck looking like that. Thankfully, once the three-day period was up, she was able to gradually appear differently. She has opted to stick around rather than move on; I know other people might find this odd, but I like to give spirits the choice, provided they behave themselves. She goes between my current residence and my other cousin's place, I think it's still setting in for her. For someone who died a less than painless death, she's taking it surprisingly well!

On the lighter (or darker) side of things, I managed to read Hell Followed With Us in under a day; I even wrote a mini-review on Bookwyrm! I tend to gravitate towards books that blend religion, queerness, and horror, I just can't get enough of the premise! HFWU was an amazing book; even though it was short, it still managed to get the point across beautifully. The characters were likable, the premise was well-thought-out, the mental imagery was chillingly beautiful! All in all, it made for an awesome experience! I just started reading The Spirit Bares Its Teeth, I love the whole “Trans kids with fangs and teeth and what happens when they bite back” premise of these books!

I really should write more stuff about my mediumship, but at the same time, I don't really feel like being the next cliché. I think I'm OK with just writing the occasional blurb, I certainly don't intend on trying to be an authority on this stuff, I just like sharing some of the weirder aspects of myself!

Thanks for listening! (even if you are just The Void.)

Hello again, Fediversians! I return to you today with a tale of frustration and woe!

I'm writing this two days after I initially intended to write it because I've been dealing with the aftermath of a misunderstanding that quickly blew itself way out of proportion. Likewise, I loathe to even write this because it feels like a betrayal, both on my part and on that of my friend's.

On Saturday, I conducted a late Ostara ritual because we had initially forgotten it was a thing because neurodivergents and planning go together like a toaster in a bathtub. It was a last minute affair, but, it went surprisingly well for something with less than 7 hours of planning. We had fun, it was a nice group bonding activity; I even had a close friend assist me with the ritual! It all went swimmingly until an ex-member of the paranormal group showed up to “crash the party”

It just went down hill from there, even managed to chase away my close friend. The person in question managed to trigger my friend; I would've run his ass off if only I'd realized what it would've caused.

It only got progressively worse, like a real life dumpster fire. After said person's rowdiness sent my friend running from the space, he only continued with his posturing, belligerent bullshit. He threw gas on the consecrated flame we'd used for offerings and nearly blew up the 4x4 fireplace, continued to harass me and another friend for the rest of the night, and dragged in two unwanted guests! No one wanted to toss his ass out on the fact that he's both mentally unstable, immature, and a raging trumplicant, thus making the whole night nearly unbearable until we all rejoiced with relief when it was time to leave!

He also must have had some type of energetic attachment because something nearly killed me that night. Admittedly, it could have just been his rotten energy mucking everything up. He really drained me, which pissed me off and fucked up my sleep for the next two days. My ghosts couldn't even be near me due to the fact it brought up childhood trauma for them both!

Anyway, I just thought I'd vent here. I know nobody reads these, but it's nice to have an outlet that's anonymous unless I explicitly tell people!

It was a lovely little congregation called Unity Center for Positive Living; it wasn't very big, but it felt like a nice reprieve from the darkness that has settled over my St. Timothy's.

I got back to Seattle late last night; didn't think I was going to make it, to be completely honest. I was jet-lagged as all hell and just generally felt like crap, I tried pulling energy from one of my Gods and we nearly killed each other! I got home at 1:08 and didn't actually fall asleep til somewhere around 3-ish, I remember asking them to please try and wake me up on time. I woke up at 7:45, just before a friend called me to ask when she should be ready.

We made it about 30 minutes early, the whole place had a sort-of old yet still sturdy kind of vibe. It did initially spook me when I spotted the cross, the inside was reminiscent of the always-well-hated Baptist congregations of my tortured youth. A pianist played music from an old hymnal, it seemed to be renditions of classic Christian hymns re imagined for a more open faith. The Priest (Pastor?) was an older woman whose name escapes me at the moment, (I think it was Joyce.) she seemed to have a healthy energy to her, which is always a good thing in a Church! The service started off with a brief meditation period, and then we were off to the races!

I kid, I kid! In reality, it was relatively slow. It was a range of prayers, a few feel-good chants, a reading from Luke, (though I'm not sure of the translation) another slightly longer meditation on the reading, some healing prayers for friends, family, and foe alike, and finally a dismissal.

It's Palm Sunday, Lent, so the reading was on the crucification. Afterward, we meditated on the reading. From the point of view of the donkey. (Trust me, I know how it sounds.) It was kinda nice, we were told to imagine ourselves on that desert road, on the way to what certainly must have felt like utter doom. I found myself shifting through several emotions as my perspective changed from disciple to disciple, to Jesus himself. I felt a range of emotions: Anger, hopelessness, longing, fear for the unknown, anguish.

It's times like this when I am equally thankful as I am annoyed to be an empath. It can either be a boon or a bane, there is no in-between. I feel like a Goddamn Pensieve, just getting random emotional bursts before they flitter away just as fast as they came! It's good too, sometimes, when someone is hurting and I can relieve their pain. My Aunt always said I was a healer, I never believed her til now. I actually openly mentioned my other Gods and my abilities and didn't have someone smile and nod like I'm in a fucking funny farm or give me some cheap little condescending smirk! Ha!

I still have friends at St. Tim's, I'd feel bad if I just up and left. It's like I haven't been going long enough to be received, but I also had my baptism renewed there. I might just alternate between the two, both are equally nice, so I think it'd be OK.

We had a small meal after where we chatted with some of the other members, it was nice. I didn't sense any hostility, just joy at making new friends. I chatted about my abilities and my Gods a bit, nobody laughed or brushed me off, one woman even mentioned she dabbled in tarot as well! Overall, it was a good day!

I'll end this here, as I can't think of anything more to add. Good day and happy existence to all who read me! (and those of you who don't, as well!)

Hello, Hi, I'm the asshole, it's me! (I'm trying new greeting formats; bear with me.)

I return again with bitching of a possibly sensitive nature. You all know it, some of you hate it: Religion! I don't usually bitch about religion on the count that it can make some people react irrationally (I will not be providing examples, see www.reddit.com/r/religiousfruitcake for details) religion and I have always had a bit of a love/hate relationship; as in the religious idiots in my life loved to hate me for who I am. I've come to the revelation (heh) that despite my past with it, I'm still kinda religious. I don't like to be without my rosary (despite my Gods' continuous reassurance that I'm OK). Just recently, I had a mini panic attack when I realized I'd left it at TSA and may not have time to retrieve it. I actually considered saying fuck the flight! Thank Gods I have a friend who puts up with my bs. I still find myself asking silly questions sometimes with my pendulum, just to be sure I won't burn forever once I've finally shoved off this mortal coil.

My previous Church made me hate God. (due to their terrible understanding of archaic writing) I found solace in the arms of a Goddess I couldn't name in Wicca. (I would later learn that this was a Goddess called Asherah, wife of Yahweh.) I continued with this until having an odd experience with a God that wanted to claim me, (which I stupidly mistook for a demon attack) and running full sprint back to my Church's grubby, groping little hands. Looking back, this is not a good look on me. Thankfully, the God that tried to claim me (Veles) looks back on this as humorous.

This strange will they/won't they with alternate beliefs would continue until my 18th birthday, in which my abusive bitch of a step-grandmother, would finally die. After that, I gradually began exploring the fact that I had certain abilities that my Church claimed were from the devil. I explored them in secret because I still lived with Church members until I turned 19, then I moved in with my cousin. My abilities skyrocketed due to my near constant exposure to the dead, his girlfriend who is a psychic medium, and her cousin who's a witch. I gradually began to be able to comprehend not only other's thoughts and feelings, but spirit forms as well! I thought it was my imagination until she started confirming what I saw. I sort of teetered between Gods during those 10 or so months.

Then there was Washington. I ended up having to move due to my step-uncle being pressured and attacked by the Church, it sucked, but it had to happen for my next burst of growth. I moved into a room in the house of a friend of a friend in Centralia, I began experiencing attacks within a few days: nightmares, vivid dreams of my death, banging on walls and callings, scratching, growling, voices. Y'know, typical haunted house bullshit. One experience freaked me out to the point a played a recorded exorcism prayer on repeat all night. I had an attack by what I know understand to be a shadow entity, it didn't want me there and tried to force me to leave. I didn't. I wasn't about to let it chase me out, I knew in my gut there had to be a reason. I stayed with the old man until another roommate moved in, the activity only worsened when he showed up. I stuck it out for as long as I could but ended up leaving when I found out the roommate was a serial rapist. I would like to note he had a lot of dark shit attached to him, the old man had been having nightmares before he showed up, they worsened when he moved in.

I also began attending a local pagan group at a shop in town, I still attend as it's been a great way to make friends. I met a lot of interesting people, also around this time I began identifying as christopagan. I found that I didn't really hate Jesus, just his followers. Then my Boyfriend died. This prompted a shift of faith, I effectively told my Christian deities where they could stick it and promptly reignited things with Veles. I eventually came to have a good relationship with them when I realized they were still around, I even bought a pendulum, so I could get more straightforward answers! The answers I got confirmed that my old Church was indeed following a false God (It's called the evangelical egregore, which I will explain in another post) I began to redevelop (and redefine) my relationship with the divine. I was able to confirm that yes, my other Gods were here to stay, and no, Yahweh, Yeshua, nor Sophia had any issue with that!

My abilities blossomed after that, I can even communicate without the need for a pendulum now! (I still use it as a visual aid to show I'm not talking out my ass) Steadily, I began to be able to do more stuff, like Reiki and finding lost items. Then my best friend died. I knew it instantly, a feeling of dread, and there she was, in all the gory detail that comes with being shot. I nearly caused my friend to have a wreck when I screamed, thank the stars above he was well-used to this shit by now. It took me a bit to accept that I wasn't crazy, I even went on medication to try to get rid of her, to no avail, of course. It's just normal now, she's still here, we even still talk. I began dating her brother not that long after, we were both hurting, so it made sense that we could possibly heal each other. Then he was killed by a cop in L.A. (if you haven't sensed the pattern by now, then you still have a small shred of innocence, savor it.) I see him too, but it took time.

Now we get to the juice part, God-a-palooza! I don't even know what made me interesting, maybe it's the cloud of tragedy that follows me everywhere like a weird umbrella of death. I don't even remember which one was first, I think it was Santisima (Santa Meurte) It went from a steady drip to a dam bursting, every couple of months it was a different God or spirit of some kind. I couldn't see them as anything more than flashes in the beginning, a strong thought, a feeling that wasn't a feeling, a shadow or phantom in the night. After a bit, I began to see them as clearly as I did spirits, full in form and carrying all the Grace and Might a being of their status should! I've also had them appear casually, in sweatpants or jeans, barely recognizable as divine save for the ring of golden light adorning their heads. Hell, as I write this I can feel Odin's presence, Lugh sits just outside, smoking a Virginia Slim on the wing of the plane!

I also have the ability to channel spirits and Gods, I use it when I meditate sometimes. I used it last night when somebody needed advice on how to deal with an energetic issue and I didn't have the answer. I understand the controversy around this, and while I may not be able to put the stigma to bed, I am going to try and dispel some fears and confusion. It's not painful or even uncomfortable, (for me anyway) it's actually quite nice, like a divine blanket covering your soul. It kinda feels like I take the backseat while the deity uses my corpse to speak, I am aware, but I can't really interfere. It's not forceful, if I really want them to leave they will. I've had people describe what I'm like when it happens, I've already asked my psychiatrist if it could be DID, they seem to agree there are distinctions between that and this. And no, I don't get any power-ups, they are limited to my body's capabilities.

It's been an interesting journey, going from fearful protestant to still-kinda-freaked out mystic weirdo. The fact that it's nowhere near over both scares me and excites me, I think my Gods/Goddesses reflect on that as well. I don't know what the future holds, but I'll face it with them by my side!

Hello all, it's me again!

I'm not sure if I'm going to keep this short and sweet, or long and detailed. Probably some mix of the two.

For the past 5 days my friend and I have been in East Ridge, Tennessee, I came out to do a handfasting for two close friends. It has been an interesting experience, to say the least. I came out here over a year ago, but the handfasting was called off due to financial troubles. The ceremony was lovely, I hope I did well as an officiant. People tell me I did well, but I've never been good at taking praise where praise is due! My friend took pictures, they are up over on my Pixelfed. (I hope my alt text makes some of you giggle!)

With that out of the way, we get into everything that happened in between! I was initially happy to be back on my old stomping grounds, the mountains have always been my refuge. It was an enjoyable experience despite all the horrible shit happening to the South, though it still makes me uneasy to know people from my home are causing such pain. Bad shit aside, I managed to make two new friends and even helped them! I played my first game of DnD, (a Helluva Boss one-shot) it was a lot of fun, and I'll be joining in on a few games back home! I wanted to check in on my cousin in Alabama, but with what I've dealt with in the past, it didn't feel safe. We got to check out Buc-ee's again, I am still no less creeped out.

The flight back has been decent, the first flight (ATL-IAH) was stressful due to the fact I forgot my rosary at TSA and proceeded to have a mini freak-out. Thankfully, I have a friend who puts up with my disastrous ass, and was able to retrieve it! I still managed to lose my Odin spear pendant, but The All-Father is understanding of the fact that I am about as put-together as shattered china. I prayed to Hermes and Odin before the flight for a speedy trip in exchange for an offering of their choosing, I shall make good on that when I am able. My Gods have kept me stable through this trip, and for that I am eternally grateful! My connection is improving rapidly, divination has confirmed that it is them who are speaking to me. I still don't know how to feel, to be honest.

I am planning on going to Church with a friend tomorrow, (a UU congregation called Unity Church) they didn't seem overly impressed with my church when they came. I love my Church, but the teaching as of late has been worse than usual, it's even given me a dreary feeling. I usually feel pretty energized, it's been my first foray back into organized religion since the cult I was raised in. I'm not totally upfront about my christopagan beliefs, for obvious reasons, but still, it's been nice. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon, but Unity Church does have its pull. I think it'll be OK, I'm going to think it over with my Gods.

Speaking of Gods (and other randomly assorted entities), I've been claimed by Lugh, King of The Tuatha Dé Dannan. So, at current, that's: Lugh, Lilith, Veles, Odin, Loki, Freya, Thor, Yahweh, Asherah, Sariswati, Santa Meurte, Yeshua, Sophia (The Holy Spirit/Wisdom), Saint Benedict, Saint Joan of Arc, and Mary. I'm honestly not sure how I keep them all straight, they just seem to rotate in and out. I've confirmed with a few psychotherapists that I'm not nuts, which kind of annoys me because, well, come on, really? My dead best friend (as well as her dead brother, my late boyfriend) was not present for most of the trip, they said it was because of bad memories. It was interesting to be without them, they did show up momentarily at the picnic, but they left quickly. They're back with me now, it's nice to have them back. I know I sound crazy, I've come to accept it.

I guess this ends the post, I don't really have anything left to write that won't make me sound like I've gone fully off the deep end. Until we meet again, happy existence!

I assume I'll be home when I post this, it may also be tomorrow. Sorry.

UPDATE: I'm home, it's tomorrow.

Hello again, wonderful denizens of the connected collective known as The Fediverse. I have returned.

As I sit here in the dark, thinking on where I am, where I was, and what my future has in store, I can't help but laugh.

It's been 3 years since I left everything and everyone that I'd ever known, since I tossed out the old and dove into the new, since I left my home to come to a strange place with even stranger people.

It's been 9 months and 12 days since the first person I could ever truly know, and who ever truly knew me, died.

It's been 2 months and 22 days since my boyfriend died by a gunshot to the head at the hand of a bloodthirsty, racist cop.

It's still fresh in my mind, even though their spirits remain with me.

On brighter things, I seem to be progressing well on my, admittedly unorthodox, spiritual path.

Even though I wasn't able to save my best friend from her boyfriend's jealous rage, I got the chance to relieve the pain of someone in an identical situation. Small miracles, I suppose.

I have some type of odd natural attunement to energy, emotions, and auras, and a magnetic personality according to the Gods I exist under. It seems to be vastly different to other traditions like Reiki.

I've had pushback and negative reactions from a few people I know, plenty of claims that what I'm doing is “wrong” which is funny considering they're pagan. I've chosen to ignore the unfounded bitching, my Gods are my business, nobody else.

I usually try to keep personal bitch posts to a minimum, considering I'm moderately certain people from the cult I grew up in are stalking me on The Fediverse.

Until next time!